hi there....my story is in my profile...but i just wanted to tell you that the way you are feeling is understood. in one way or another...we have all been there...terribly hurt.
but let me tell you this....if i could rewind my life back a few years ago, when i first learned my h had cheated on me...i would have done so many things different. but you know what? i just wasnt strong enough to really, really, really be a strong woman. i just wasnt.
and at the time, i couldnt even really listen to the people on SI...i faked like my h was doing what was in the healing library...made excuses for him...and didnt divulge to the group here what my h really was and wasnt doing.
i was too embarrassed and hurt to admit the truth...to myself.
but, i wish so much that i would have listened. and i know that it is still early for you...but if some way, you can find the strength really listen to what was posted just now on this thread and really do it....even if your heart isnt in it yet..but do it. you will see that no matter what happens you will feel so much better about yourself and the kind of woman you are.
if he comes back, you will feel good and confident knowing that he came back to you the right way....on your terms. and if he doenst, then you will know that you stood your ground and accepted no BS....so he bailed...and you wouldnt want a man like that anyway.
the veterans on this thread know exactly what they are talking about....i honestly would have saved myself 2 years of more drama and false r if i had been strong enought to:
1. kick his ass to the curb. and i mean, to the curb...and mean it when you do it. dont just say it, but do it. cry behind closed doors if you have to, but let him go...and tell him good riddance.
2. have your conditions for r firmly in place. a remorseful cheater will have no issue doing any of what you require. and if he doesnt, let that be your dealbreaker...seriously.
3. understand that you cant win him back. never. and you dont want to win your husband back. he needs to come back to you on his own. no exceptions.
4. so, you screwed up contacted the ow...so what. we have all done it. i have to. but stop. dont contact her again. she has no control over him, and is not making him do a damn thing. he cheated and is in contact with her because he wanted to....make no mistake about that. she is irrelevant to you and your m.
5. if he is out of the house, do not let him come back. i made this mistake, until he shows you that he means business about meeting your r requirements. and what's the rush. taking him back too soon is a mistake. let him show you that he is serious. and this can be done in a matter of weeks...that time apart will not kill you. and it wont make you lose him either. i was scared about this too...but be strong.
6. 180 his ass HARD. no acceptance of phone calls unless it is about the kids or bills....no chit chat, no response to texts, no calling his friends, family, no excuses to make up to communicate with him...nothing. he should be dead to you unless it is about the kids or bills...and that can be done via text....to the point and all business.
these are just a few of the things i wished i had done...that so many people even on this thread told me to do, but i didnt listen. ended up in false r for 9 months because i was "too scared" to lose him.
those days are over. and i feel so much better. and you will too...i promise you that one.
let him go. and if he is serious...and i mean really serious about being sorry and serious about not fucking around on you again, he will come back, hat in hand...head down...humbled...wanted to do whatever it take to make it work.
a wise SIer once to me that he needs to be willing to "move heaven and earth" to save the m and make me safe.
anything less i tell you from experience is a load of serious bullshit.