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I'm hurt and so confused!

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Cheppawa posted 9/4/2013 18:46 PM

This summer, 2013, was a very tough summer for me. I have been struggling with my marriage for a very long time, but more recently in the past couple of years, not sure why my husband didn’t seem to care about me or be attracted to me any more. He had become quite distant, to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable trying to reach out to him to establish closeness, even in times when I needed him so much.

In July I happened upon a person wishing him happy birthday, which caught my attention for some strange reason. I began to research her and found a blog by her where she mentioned my husband several times, had pictures of him, and one with the two of them after fishing. I went to his fishing sight, and found they connected on there in September, 2010, when he reached out to her about how great he thought her fishing blog was. There were several flirty type remarks there, and by January, 2011 they were talking by phone, because he told her in one of the threads to call him, he was in. This was after 10pm when I had most likely retired, since I had to be up early for work.

My husband, is retired, and is an avid sports fisherman. This woman is also big into fishing, and I noticed on most of her Internet sights she has mostly male fishing friends. Maybe she uses these sights to look for men, I don’t know, but my husband fell for the bait. As I looked at the one picture of them together holding a striped bass, I couldn’t help but think of how they were like two peas in a pod. You see, I never had the opportunity to get heavy into fishing like that with him since during the twenty-nine years that we have been married, I worked a couple of jobs, took care of and ran three kids around, went back to work on my masters degree and took care of home while he worked, fished and hunted. Never even a vacation with my husband because he always planned his vacations with the guys to go on fishing and hunting expeditions. I always respected his sports, and gave him full freedom to enjoy them.

Since the kids are grown, I am still working full time, but he retired in December, 2010. This is around the same time he was developing a relationship with this woman. I was wondering why, with him having so much free time, not working, why we were not spending more time together when I was off too. He always had something to take him out of the house when I would be there. Since his retirement he was staying up half the night closed up downstairs in his den. I would go to bed alone, wondering what he was doing every night down there. I felt like he was avoiding me, and of course our physical closeness just wasn’t there because he wasn’t there. When I would ask him what he was doing, he always claimed he was watching his fishing shows. I think it was quite something different.

I suspected there was someone else, but didn’t want to believe it. Most of the time when he would have a conversation with me it was because he wanted money on the bills, or to light into me verbally criticizing me about something. He was very moody, at times being nice, but most of the time just being plain mean.

I didn’t say anything to him about what I was discovering about his relationship with this woman, until one afternoon, I went into his den and started flipping though his wall calendars reading some of his notes on them. There was nothing specific until I got to the 2011 calendar (it is now 2013). On the November page he had written her initials, her birthday. He had nothing on my birthdate, which was the following month. I thought back. Was this one of the many years he did not even remember my birthdate. I was furious. I crossed out her initials and wrote my name on my birthdate. I was so hurt by everything I couldn’t stay in the house. I drove 20 minutes to the beach to try to clear my thoughts.

It was early evening, the sun had set, and it was stating to get chilly. I pulled on my hoody and sat in the sand. I shook from the chill, anxiety, and hurt. I sent him a text, but he didn’t respond. I tried to call him, but he was on the line with someone else. When I finally reached him he claimed I was acting weird like I was losing my mind. He didn’t want to talk so we hung up.

When I got home I was still a nervous wreck. He said he had a bone to pick with me about posting comments on her blog that she found threatening. Well I never posted any threats, but told her I thought it was very nice of her to give my husband so many props on her blog. How was that threatening? The worst part of this was that he was defending himself, protecting her, and telling me I was crazy to think something was going on. Well, obviously something is going on, and he needed to remember who he is married to, and she needed to know I’m alive and kicking!

Of course , he denies everything. He claims they are just friends, she was having problems with her boyfriend beating her up, and he was trying to get her to leave him. By the way, there are no pictures, or references to her “boyfriend” like there were for my husband… on her blog.

After a couple of days of the worst fights we have ever had in our 29 years together, he claimed he never wanted to get married, but thought he would try it out with me. He claimed he loved me, but couldn’t love me as a wife the way I wanted him to. He mentioned people who stay married for years, but live in the same house separately. He told me, yes we are married, but I had to stop accusing him, and we could live peacefully and be okay. He claimed he would have liked to live his life much differently, more freedom fishing, hunting, travelling, and maybe living somewhere in Florida by this point in his life. (This is where this woman came here from). He said God had a different plan for him and that was with me. So he was making the most of it, and that I should do the same. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, gave me a hug, and asked me to repeat what he had said so I had it clear. I was near speechless! All I could get out was that he wanted an arrangement. He wanted me to agree to live in an arrangement! He asked if I was okay, and told me not to beat myself up about this anymore.

I went to my room and sent this woman a message, I apologized for any of the previous messages I had sent her. I told her I had reason to be suspicious, but had talked to my husband, and that I was closing the door on this. I was done.

I felt like my marriage ended with that conversation with him. I didn’t talk to him about this anymore.

He is still rather distant, and won’t look me in the eyes whenever I have a conversation with him. He wants to know when I get paid because he wants money for the bills. We had sex three times the whole month of August, and I initiated those occasions. It wasn’t that great, because he didn’t put much effort into it. It was almost like he did it just to pacify me. When I mentioned to him that we had sex only three times that month, he said “So what? What does it matter?” I didn’t know what to say, and replied something like, “Well, if you are satisfied with that I guess it doesn’t matter.

I try to mention emotional infidelity to my husband and he doesn’t want to hear it, and discredits it. I sense a very strong attachment when I read through her blog. She claims she has learned so much from him about fishing and "life". At one point she thanked him for fishing items that I knew had sentimental value to him. I asked him where she lives and he said somewhere in the next state, he didn’t know exactly where. I think he’s lying and she lives close by. I asked where he met her to give her the items he gave her. He got upset and told me I was making too much out of it. The items didn’t mean anything to him, and she needed them for a project. She didn’t say that in her blog. She said "it was an awesome thing he did and that she would keep everything together in a special place just as he had given them to her". Then… he mentioned a town thirty minutes away, saying she “circled around” through this town to meet him at the marina where he docks his boat. That was strange! Why did he mention this town when it was not necessary? I think he slipped! She references too many local places with pictures in her blog. I checked some of his previous toll logs and found several trips to the area he mentioned, with no indication of fishing or hunting trips, which is why he claims to go to that area.

He claims he hates when men physically abuse women, and that’s why he talked to her. He says he was trying to tell her to get away from this guy. For three years?! He also told me she has three kids, and he’s not interested in being with anyone with kids. He spoke a bit about her daughter who he claims is somewhat withdrawn. He is too involved with her life to deny a relationship.

She would never respond to my messages. When I first discovered her blog, as shocked as I was, I commented on each post about my husband, telling her I thought it was very nice that she gave him so many props on her blog. She kept my comments hidden, and told my husband I was threatening her! I then messaged her that my husband claimed she was just a friend, and that his friends are mine, as mine are his, and I looked forward to meeting her. She has since disabled any comments to her posts. She never responded! What kind of friend is that?

I can’t imagine what he has told her about me. But I know I must have thrown them a curve when they realized I was on to them! This is probably why he was so angry with me initially, telling me I needed to get help because I was losing my mind accusing him of cheating.

As long as I don’t mention this fiasco everything is okay with us. Every now and then I will make a remark that reminds him this is very much on my mind, and you can see the frustration in his face. He will respond saying I am trying to start something. But I just move on to the next subject, with no reaction.

I trust my intuition and it tells me not to be fooled by his kindness. I have a keen sense for when he is lying. Even though I still love him, and I can’t walk away from the marriage yet… I do have moments of thought’s of being with someone genuinely committed in a solid relationship.

[This message edited by Cheppawa at 6:48 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

lieshurt posted 9/4/2013 19:14 PM

Cheppawa, what keeps you in this relationship? He's been having an affair for a few years and is quite content to continue. From what you've posted, it doesn't seem like you've been in a marriage at all, but have coexisted through the years. What have you gotten out of being with him other than being the one to shoulder most of the responsibility?

kernel posted 9/4/2013 21:04 PM

Cheppawa - so sorry you have found yourself here. Please spend some time reading on here and in the Healing Library. I think you really need to read up on gaslighting and cake-eating because it sounds to me like your H is a master at both. It's time to close the bakery, sweetie. You deserve so much better. Please examine what you are really afraid of losing in this situation, It sure seems like you have a lot to gain by kicking him to the curb. If you need more proof of an affair, then go into PI mode and plant a VAR, do some spying on his phone and email, all that stuff. It seems to me you already KNOW what's going on, you just don't want to ACCEPT it. Like I said a few sentences ago, you deserve better - value yourself, take care of you, and 180 hardcore.

[This message edited by kernel at 9:04 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

sailorgirl posted 9/4/2013 21:39 PM


Please read the post titled: Understanding the 180.

My advice would be for you to implement the 180 and go see a therapist.

Your husband is emotionally abusing you. He has been giving all his romantic and sexual energy to another woman for three years. It sounds like he wants an "arrangement" so he can use you for your money and continue to enjoy his freedom as a single man in every way but on paper.

I am so pissed off for you! I want to shove his fishing rod where the sun don't shine.

I hope you can go to counseling and get to the bottom of why you would allow him to treat you so horribly.

He said God had a different plan for him

I'm not traditionally religious, but I would mention that I've heard God has quite the plan for adulterers--otherwise known as eternal damnation.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:40 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

brkn_heartd posted 9/4/2013 22:04 PM

I am sorry you are going through this. this is not ok to let him have his OW and you an arrangement. Please read the 180 and start taking care of you. Talk to an attorney and find out your rights especially with the $$. My parents had a rough go of it. It is not ok, it is not ok to live in a situation you are uncomfortable with. We are here for you. Take care of yourself. He is trying to cover his tracks and got caught!

kansas1968 posted 9/4/2013 22:21 PM

What your husband is putting you through is not acceptable unless you are content with three in your bed. He is having an affair and just wants to keep you working and taking care of his home while he enjoys his retirement. That is very, very, cruel, and you do not deserve to be treated this way. If he wants out of the marriage, he should tell you so. To just keep you for comforts sake is hidious.

It is so frightening to think of a long term marriage ending, but you have to contemplate that it will just to give yourself the strength not to be afraid to do what you have to do. And that is, lower the boom on him.
Start the 180 and see an attorney and get yourself protected financially.
Then let him know you have seen an attorney. You can either tell him or leave the attorney's card laying around where he will see it.

The 180 and the possiblity of their marriage ending really is the only way to snap them out of the fog. If that doesn't work, then you are better off without him.

Sometimes this can improve a marriage. It will give you two the opportunity to talk and figure out how you can reconnect and start doing things together, like fishing!! But that is only if he drops this other woman completely. It is her that is standing between you and him. He thinks he is in love. Actually, it is in lust.
Hugs for your pain, but you need to get your bitch boots on. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you and you are better than how he is treating you.

emotionalgirl posted 9/4/2013 22:52 PM

I am so sorry that you find yourself here....I as well am new to this site and my WH also had an EA , we have been married 25 yrs. He lied and snuck around to see the OW, this had been going on since May. My WH thought he could cake eat. I like you, was his wife aka slave who took care of everything in our lives. It is true what they say " idol hand make the devils work". After many attempts at trying to get him to see reason, I started seeing an IC and realized my own worth.

Once I had realized I was worth more than his BS I decided I would start really listening to the folks here. I put on my bitch boots, started 180 and got some ducks in a row. I then sent the OW a very classy text ( a letter would also work)explaining to her that she was in fact the OW in my marriage and what made her the OW, also that she needed to own up to that. I also told her that if my WH wanted out of our marriage he needed to man up. I then gave my WH a copy of the texts and told him I was done, he could have her or me, not both. It could have gone either way, but for me it shook him up enough to end his "friendship". I kept copies of the texts so that I could prove I was not threatening her. She took offence big time at being labelled as the OW. I think that many of her kind like to believe that they are special and choose to live in the imaginary world but it is a huge eye opener to have the label of OW placed on them.

I was prepared to walk away, but I was NOT prepared to be his permanent slave while someone else got the best of him. I have a post labelled "I got nasty and sneaky" I list how I have changed my life and the way I allow my WH to treat me and function in our marriage. I am hoping that we will eventualy R but he has allot of work to do first.

I just wanted to give you my story to let you know that many of us understand and matter what advice any of us may give you, each of our situations is unique and we must choose the path that is best for us. No one recommendation or bit of advice works for everyone.

The few pieces of advice I would recommend that you take to heart are these... Find an IC to help you work through your feelings, see a lawyer to get you ducks in a row ( you don't need to file for D, you just need to arm yourself with info), separate your money and protect yourself ( he shouldn't be using your money on his OW) then implement the 180.

Whatever your path good luck and remember that SI is a great place to vent your feelings. ((((( hugs)))))

stronger08 posted 9/5/2013 03:37 AM

Your WH is calling the plays straight out of the WS handbook. From the "Abusive BF" To the "Just friends" bullshit. He now has you squarely under his thumb and is applying pressure. He wants to dictate how your M is going to go. And he is basically telling you that he will continue doing what he wants to. Now you have 2 choices here.

1-You allow him to continue doing what he is doing. Thus making you his doormat to walk all over.

2-You stand up for yourself and call him on his bullshit.

I strongly suggest you take option 2. Stand up to his bullying. Stand up to his cheating. Stand up to his A. This guy is so full of shit its coming out his ears. One thing a WS hates is a strong BS. One that gathers all the info they can and uses it to fight back. He is going to play on your emotions and fears. He will use it all to your advantage. And when he cant lie his way out of things any longer he will blame you for it all. You need to understand his game plan here. You need to strike hard and fast. Of course OW uses her fishing blog as a way to snare guys. Trust me your WH is not the first and wont be the last. Chances are she has a few guys going at the same time. She is a predator who does not care who's M she destroys. Its all about her needs and that's all it is. He thinks he is special to her. He thinks she wants him and only him. Well my friend there is his weakness. And you need to exploit that weakness.

Show his ass the door and tell him to go to her. Cut his cheating ass loose. Then you expose her for what she is. You don't need to threaten her. Just the facts will do. Trust me once the heat gets too hot for her his ass will be dumped. And he will come crawling back. The its your decision if you want his cheating ass back or not. And if you do, its on your terms with your requirements. Now before you do anything take a hard look at the financials. I mean go over everything. Savings, checking, retirement plans, stock portfolio etc. He would not be the first moron to fall for some bimbo with a sad story who needs a few bucks. This is very important to do as it could effect your financial future. Many WS blow through it all on their AP. See an attorney and finds out your rights and liabilities. Play this smart and you will be OK. Play it dumb and you can lose it all. Good luck my friend.

Thefly559 posted 9/5/2013 04:26 AM

Sorry you are here but you have gotten some great advice here ! I am a guy and I am telling you he is a liar do not believe his crap. You deserve much better. Good luck

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/5/2013 08:40 AM

I definitely feel the same way all the other posters do.

Why are you settling for such complete and utter disrespect? And apologizing to his mistress?

I feel really bad for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/5/2013 08:40 AM

I definitely feel the same way all the other posters do.

Why are you settling for such complete and utter disrespect? And apologizing to his mistress?

I feel really bad for you.

heforgotme posted 9/5/2013 09:02 AM

This man is having a full blown A and doesn't want to go to the trouble of getting a divorce. The fact that the woman feels threatened by innocuous comments that you've made verifies that. If she was his friend, why wouldn't she also want to be friends with his wife? That's how it works when things are normal and above board.

You are not crazy. This IS happening.

Hugs to you.

Cheppawa posted 9/5/2013 10:03 AM

Thanks! So much great advice here!

Interestingly enough, last night I tried to (very calmly) talk to him about my feelings and show him some of the communications between them that would lead anyone to believe something was going on. I'm so tired of him telling me its all in my head, I was finally ready to share some of the documented conversations and writings I had collected from his fishing site and her blog. Again, he became very angry... told me I was crazy, fked up, and he didn't know how much more he could take of my accusations. He said by me bringing documented conversations that meant nothing, just that I was pointing the finger at him and he's tired of it. He asked me why I wasn't saying anything about "L", another wowan he has taken out fishing (he claims one time), then showed me her picture from his fishing site. I told him of course I didn't know anything about her, not like all the history of him and this one woman. He claims they are all fishing friends, and I could take all my private eye work and beat myself up with it all I wanted. He said he doesn't take me fishing because I dont know how to fish and he doesn't have the patience to deal with me. He goes out to fish, not babysit me. He was tired of me smothering him, asking where he was and what he was doing all because I think something is going on. I tried to point some things out to him in her blog, and he said I was reading too much into it, and that it was not about him. He was extremely upset and defensive. I told him that was not making me feel any better about any of this. If there was truly nothing to this he would be able to listen and see the things I was trying to show him. He kept pushing me away from the computer, didn't want to hear anything, and took my folder of information away from me and threw it on the floor... saying it was trash. He said, "That poor girl thinks you are crazy" I walked away from that encounter very calmly, with a smile... because I'm starting to get tired of trying to reach him, yet relieved to show him I have so much proof. He is really trying to drive it into me that I'm crazy, losing my mind and wrong to accuse him.

I don't know where I am with all of this, and starting to feel like I just want some space and time out. I'm exhausted, mentally beat up. The 180 makes perfect sense at this point. Thanks.

[This message edited by Cheppawa at 10:05 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Cheppawa posted 9/5/2013 11:36 AM

Speaking of financials... we already have seperate accounts, and he is very secretive about his finances. He retired when he was 55, and I assumed he was in good shape to do so. I know his sport fishing is expensive, but he always claims he's broke when I mention doing something together. He is adamant about me paying half of all the bills. He says its only fair since I live here too. I have never believed the "broke" story. I have always worked and contributed to all living expenses. I truly believe he's got savings that he is hiding from me. He will complain about not having money to cover all the bills when he wants half from me, but he's not trying to work. He seems to be very content with his retirement budget. I have thought hard about ALL of this!

Painfuljourney posted 9/5/2013 12:14 PM

It doesn't sound like you are even married. I'm sorry. But I agree with everyone else. You don't deserve this treatment. He sounds very abusive. He has checked out emotionally and is using you to pay half of the bills, keep his lifestyle going. Get yourself an apartment and 180. Quit having sex with him, making him meals, doing his laundry or whatever else you do for him.

Cheppawa posted 9/5/2013 12:28 PM

Honestly, after 29 years... I am so ready to experience a relationship with some one who really wants to be with me, and appreciates me. I think I am a very good person, at least I try to be. I am tired of feeling lonely. I pray that my heart be moved swiftly so that I can move forward.

Cheppawa posted 9/5/2013 12:38 PM

Thanks so, so much for your support.

lieshurt posted 9/5/2013 12:38 PM

I pray that my heart be moved swiftly so that I can move forward.

Don't wait on your heart for anything. Use your mind and logic to make decisions now.

TheClimb posted 9/5/2013 12:52 PM

I am so sorry that your husband is such a dick. He is mad at you because you figured out what he is up to and he doesn't like it. Affairs love to be hidden. He wants his cake and to eat it to... no more cake for the asshole.

"That poor girl thinks you are crazy"

She is not a poor girl; she is a tramp. F - her.

At this point, your best bet is a hard 180. Hell, if I was you, I would go see an attorney and file for divorce. He should never have insinuated that you were the crazy one.

Again, so sorry you are going through this. This is in no way your fault.

Painfuljourney posted 9/5/2013 12:58 PM

You deserve to be happy and to be cherished by someone who can love you with all his heart. You are still here for a reason. Don't be a doormat any longer. Get real. He's stepped on your long enough.

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