"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sleepless34 posted 9/4/2013 20:13 PM

I have entered a new stage in my journey. The first month since DDay, I was a raving, ass kicking, pissed off B**ch! I was so mad, and I was letting it all out. I layed into that MoFo every which way til Sunday and he was scared....I wanted answers, vindication, justication, I wanted to make him see how messed up this is and how insane and irrational he was acting, how HORRIBLE of a catastrophic train wreck this is to our family,to the kids, to me, to our finances, to everything about our life as we knew it....

And I got nothing for it. Except that my anger let him feel justified. Let him feel like he is doing the right thing. Let him feel less guilty.

Now, I finally **got it** and I am presenting myself as the ice queen. I have another meeting at the Divorce therpist and last time I was a hot mess, so angry. He still made a jackass of himself, but I wasn't as productive as I should have been either.

Anyway, tomorrow, I will have strength and be the Ice Queen. Calm. Cool. Collected. Logical. Rational. Not angry or mean.

Just reasonable. Just realistic. Because I really don't need anything else, because he has nothing- he has no justification, and everything he is doing and saying and his actions about the kids and the money- they are all unreasonable. And I will state my case calmly and the therapist will validate me. And it will drive him bonkers.

I will likely need have a Xanax, but doesn't the ice queen deserve a little help!!

Any strategies for keeping cool...let me know! I can use some new tricks up my sleeve.

inconnu posted 9/4/2013 20:30 PM

Wear sexy underwear and bitch shoes. Or whatever makes you feel comfortable and really confident in yourself. Wear something that makes you feel really good about yourself.

Practice the phrases "I understand why you might feel that way" or "I'm sorry you feel that way." You won't be agreeing with what he says at all, and eventually he'll figure that out. Or not.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/4/2013 21:51 PM

Sit back and let the therapist do her job. Let her observe how sick he is so she will know how to proceed.

I monopolized the short visits we had, and I think the therapist could have made some progress with WH, but I had no idea of how sick he truely was until I found the phone/texting/ craig's list sex forum chats, etc.

anewday78 posted 9/5/2013 11:22 AM

This is great advice:

Wear sexy underwear and bitch shoes. Or whatever makes you feel comfortable and really confident in yourself. Wear something that makes you feel really good about yourself.

A large part of "fake it until you make it" is focused on the outside and I think a lot of people dismiss the impact that one's own appearance can have on what's going on inside. The way you dress, wear your hair, and carry yourself can generate a powerful outward impression which, in turn, can make you feel sexy, cool, confident, and in control. Make your outsides match the way you WISH to feel on the inside and I guarantee that's exactly what will end up happening. Whenever I'm feeling a lack of confidence, I spend a little extra time getting ready and picking just the right clothes. Once I'm done, that confidence seems to magically appear when I look in the mirror. The bottom line: dress for success.

sleepless34 posted 9/6/2013 01:51 AM

I did it! I was calm, cool collected and I handled myself well. I did wear bitch shoes too.

It was definately more productive, however I felt like by accepting this shit situation, I was taking it in the butt a little by allowing things to progress. I liked the angry feeling so much more. It was so much more satisifying.

However, I think by being calm and polite I was able to better be heard. And if being heard helps me negotiate better later...than so be it.

AHHHHHHHHH!

Phoenix1 posted 9/6/2013 02:02 AM

And if being heard helps me negotiate better later...than so be it.

Precisely! Think strategically and keep your eye on the big picture!

Great job Sleepless! You've got this! FTG!!

inconnu posted 9/6/2013 06:35 AM

Ashland13 posted 9/6/2013 11:14 AM

Yes, Sleepless, you're getting it! It took me a while too, but what I'm learning is that the less I say and do, the quieter I am, the more I am heard.

And now there are other outside eyes watching as we go through this process, so keeping our integrity is necessity.

I wanted to chime in and commend you on a job well done for keeping it together. I did better each time and now take great pride in "saving face" when we have mediation. My new goal is not to let any of them see me lose it. Never again.

One thing I do is reward myself afterward, if I manage to enter and exit without emotional display. I don't spend a lot of money but get a sandwich on the way home or for the next meal, or leave the chores for tomorrow, some minor indulgence just for me.

It really helps because I can put it in my mind when I have to leave to go to the meetings and have it to think about while I'm there, instead of just thinking about the emotions.

Thinking about "afterward" helps a lot, too.

sleepless34 posted 9/6/2013 12:46 PM

It is soooo hard.

Here is the email communication from that DOUCHE today. At Divorce therapy, we discussed me seeing his apartment first before we tell the kids about it (planned for this weekend.) I made progress in the therapy session and am speaking to him ONLY because of the kids. Yet, he has all this anger towards me:

I am taking them to a climate-controlled indoor amusement park. They will love it.

On apartment visit, I do not think 2 hours is necessary. The only purpose is to show you that the apartment is a safe and secure environment for the girls.

from Mr. Integrity:
"Though none of this is legally required, I hope you will gain some comfort as a result of the visit. 5 minutes should be more than sufficient. Just as you are uncomfortable with my presence in the house, I would like a 3rd party to be present during this 5 minute visit."

So, I start communicating with him about the kids and agree to what HE wanted- which is that we both tell the kids together and he start taking them to the apartment...and he starts acting like I am the ASSHOLE???

What is with these people????? HELP!

nowiknow23 posted 9/6/2013 21:15 PM

Absolutely agree to the third party. In fact, insist upon it.

"I have absolutely no intentions of being at the apartment WITHOUT a third party present." or something like that.

As if you'd want to be alone with HIM. Pssh.