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Divorce/Separation :
Raving b**ch to Ice Queen

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 sleepless34 (original poster member #40274) posted at 2:13 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013

I have entered a new stage in my journey. The first month since DDay, I was a raving, ass kicking, pissed off B**ch! I was so mad, and I was letting it all out. I layed into that MoFo every which way til Sunday and he was scared....I wanted answers, vindication, justication, I wanted to make him see how messed up this is and how insane and irrational he was acting, how HORRIBLE of a catastrophic train wreck this is to our family,to the kids, to me, to our finances, to everything about our life as we knew it....

And I got nothing for it. Except that my anger let him feel justified. Let him feel like he is doing the right thing. Let him feel less guilty.

Now, I finally **got it** and I am presenting myself as the ice queen. I have another meeting at the Divorce therpist and last time I was a hot mess, so angry. He still made a jackass of himself, but I wasn't as productive as I should have been either.

Anyway, tomorrow, I will have strength and be the Ice Queen. Calm. Cool. Collected. Logical. Rational. Not angry or mean.

Just reasonable. Just realistic. Because I really don't need anything else, because he has nothing- he has no justification, and everything he is doing and saying and his actions about the kids and the money- they are all unreasonable. And I will state my case calmly and the therapist will validate me. And it will drive him bonkers.

I will likely need have a Xanax, but doesn't the ice queen deserve a little help!!

Any strategies for keeping cool...let me know! I can use some new tricks up my sleeve.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

posts: 446   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Hell
id 6474548
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inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 2:30 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013

Wear sexy underwear and bitch shoes. Or whatever makes you feel comfortable and really confident in yourself. Wear something that makes you feel really good about yourself.

Practice the phrases "I understand why you might feel that way" or "I'm sorry you feel that way." You won't be agreeing with what he says at all, and eventually he'll figure that out. Or not.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6474566
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:51 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013

Sit back and let the therapist do her job. Let her observe how sick he is so she will know how to proceed.

I monopolized the short visits we had, and I think the therapist could have made some progress with WH, but I had no idea of how sick he truely was until I found the phone/texting/ craig's list sex forum chats, etc.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5513   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 6474653
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anewday78 ( member #39357) posted at 5:22 PM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013

This is great advice:

Wear sexy underwear and bitch shoes. Or whatever makes you feel comfortable and really confident in yourself. Wear something that makes you feel really good about yourself.

A large part of "fake it until you make it" is focused on the outside and I think a lot of people dismiss the impact that one's own appearance can have on what's going on inside. The way you dress, wear your hair, and carry yourself can generate a powerful outward impression which, in turn, can make you feel sexy, cool, confident, and in control. Make your outsides match the way you WISH to feel on the inside and I guarantee that's exactly what will end up happening. Whenever I'm feeling a lack of confidence, I spend a little extra time getting ready and picking just the right clothes. Once I'm done, that confidence seems to magically appear when I look in the mirror. The bottom line: dress for success.

posts: 350   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2013
id 6475166
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 sleepless34 (original poster member #40274) posted at 7:51 AM on Friday, September 6th, 2013

I did it! I was calm, cool collected and I handled myself well. I did wear bitch shoes too.

It was definately more productive, however I felt like by accepting this shit situation, I was taking it in the butt a little by allowing things to progress. I liked the angry feeling so much more. It was so much more satisifying.

However, I think by being calm and polite I was able to better be heard. And if being heard helps me negotiate better later...than so be it.

AHHHHHHHHH!

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

posts: 446   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Hell
id 6476058
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Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 8:02 AM on Friday, September 6th, 2013

And if being heard helps me negotiate better later...than so be it.

Precisely! Think strategically and keep your eye on the big picture!

Great job Sleepless! You've got this! FTG!!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 6476060
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inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 12:35 PM on Friday, September 6th, 2013

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6476179
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 5:14 PM on Friday, September 6th, 2013

Yes, Sleepless, you're getting it! It took me a while too, but what I'm learning is that the less I say and do, the quieter I am, the more I am heard.

And now there are other outside eyes watching as we go through this process, so keeping our integrity is necessity.

I wanted to chime in and commend you on a job well done for keeping it together. I did better each time and now take great pride in "saving face" when we have mediation. My new goal is not to let any of them see me lose it. Never again.

One thing I do is reward myself afterward, if I manage to enter and exit without emotional display. I don't spend a lot of money but get a sandwich on the way home or for the next meal, or leave the chores for tomorrow, some minor indulgence just for me.

It really helps because I can put it in my mind when I have to leave to go to the meetings and have it to think about while I'm there, instead of just thinking about the emotions.

Thinking about "afterward" helps a lot, too.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6476574
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 sleepless34 (original poster member #40274) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, September 6th, 2013

It is soooo hard.

Here is the email communication from that DOUCHE today. At Divorce therapy, we discussed me seeing his apartment first before we tell the kids about it (planned for this weekend.) I made progress in the therapy session and am speaking to him ONLY because of the kids. Yet, he has all this anger towards me:

I am taking them to a climate-controlled indoor amusement park. They will love it.

On apartment visit, I do not think 2 hours is necessary. The only purpose is to show you that the apartment is a safe and secure environment for the girls.

from Mr. Integrity:

"Though none of this is legally required, I hope you will gain some comfort as a result of the visit. 5 minutes should be more than sufficient. Just as you are uncomfortable with my presence in the house, I would like a 3rd party to be present during this 5 minute visit."

So, I start communicating with him about the kids and agree to what HE wanted- which is that we both tell the kids together and he start taking them to the apartment...and he starts acting like I am the ASSHOLE???

What is with these people????? HELP!

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

posts: 446   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Hell
id 6476733
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 3:15 AM on Saturday, September 7th, 2013

Absolutely agree to the third party. In fact, insist upon it.

"I have absolutely no intentions of being at the apartment WITHOUT a third party present." or something like that.

As if you'd want to be alone with HIM. Pssh.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6477442
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