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I can't do this.

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hangingontohope7 posted 9/4/2013 21:21 PM

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. He has taken so much from me. It's just been one thing after another lately. I can't stand seeing his smug face when he drops the kids off. He sees nothing wrong with what he has done to me.

I put on a brave face for the kids. I go through the motions at work. But inside, I'm dying. 2 years of lying about the first A. 5 years of false R, only to end up in another A! God only know how many others there have been. Who the hell did I marry? Half of my life has been wrapped up in him, supporting him, raising his children. I've lost all sense of security. I've lost my home. I've lost the life that I thought we both wanted. And he sees nothing wrong with any of it! He says I'm better off without him. Just like that. One snap of his fingers and I'm gone.

There is no sense in trying to hurt him or get even. He has no soul. The law can't do anything about his infidelity. He hasn't lost a single friend or family member because of all of this.

I know I should keep focusing on my healing. But, nothing can ease the gut wrenching pain that I'm in tonight. The horrible feeling that life simply isn't fair. And that though we tell ourselves that karma will eventually catch up with the ones who are selfish and have no remorse for their actions... sometimes that simply isn't true. Even if the universe does have a way of righting wrongs, it can never make up for the horrible pain that has been inflicted in the first place.

sunsetslost posted 9/4/2013 21:29 PM

Yes you can do this. You will do this. FUCK HIM. He's dead to you now. Move on. Love yourself. Get a massage. Buy an iPad. Smile. Envision your future. Live.

caregiver9000 posted 9/4/2013 21:38 PM

Yes, you can. You are.

Oh, (((HOTH)))...

It is not easy!! It is not fair. And boy do I crave and wish justice were a living thing that existed and had TEETH!

He took. I get that. So YOU start putting back. What part of what he took do you want back after all? Security? Go get it. Happiness? Go get it. Turn away from his smug face. For sure you won't find what you want there.

You say you put on a brave face for the kids. When you put on that face, YOU ARE BEING BRAVE. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the act of putting on the act, of doing whatever it is that you have to while being tired, afraid, weary and pissed off.

You can't "get even." But you can live this half of your life in full sunlight, taking care of you, and finding a way to feel that doesn't involve the pain.

It will pass. I promise.

It's just been one thing after another lately.

That statement right there says you know it will pass too.

(((big, big hugs)))

PhoenixRisen posted 9/4/2013 21:48 PM

Hanging, I get you

Sometimes I feel the same. Its hard esp if we were a supporting player to our ex's husbands careers. So I try to downplay the focus on him when I think of the past. Instead I think: It was MY life, MY kids, MY hobbies... he was just part of it. That part is gone but I'm still leading MY life, with MY kids, and MY hobbies.
Sure we moved places, bought houses, and made friends due to his career (and alone I would not have had that experience..many not even wanted) but that was still MY life.

so ditto sunset "FUCK HIM". Have adventures of your own as part of your life... travel, see foreign movies, eat exotic foods, get a massage.

From start to finish this is your life. You are the lead actor. Some people will drift on stage and act along side you but most are bit players (don't let an under-study (aka ex) steal your applause), at the end you are the one taking the curtain call! ~make it count~

Iamhappytoday posted 9/4/2013 21:52 PM

This really spoke to me. All day today I have walked around going through the motions with these two little girls but on the inside thinking that the pain was literally physical and why am I not moving forward more rapidly? This waking hell while trying to find a job and potty-train twins and make chicken noises and not scream at the walls and break down and cry when I wake up after having another dream with him in it.

Starting over sucks. It does, but I've done it before and I sure as shit will do it again and so will you. It hurts. My dad said he never gave up on my mom until their divorce was final, but I don't think it's healthy to feel that way when they are with the AP's and we have to get better, no matter what our beliefs on marriage are.

You and I and all of us here have to put our selfish pants on and put ourselves first, which ironically isn't selfish. Going through something like this? It's survival. It's a way to know ourselves again.

I know it's hard. I'm right there with you.


I am sending you mental love/support/prayers/gris-gris/mojo!

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

dmari posted 9/4/2013 22:07 PM

I'm sorry you had to go through a false R ~ I can't imagine that pain (and I never want to). Yes you CAN do this because you are already doing it and because you have to. Now all the focus that you had on him and your M, can be channeled to you. It takes time to detach and move that focus but YOU CAN DO IT! You are worth it!

I enjoy reading the karma bus posts but what I believe is karma will come ... to me. You know, the good kind. I am not ashamed of my words or actions throughout this hell and I have taken the high road. I think because of that, I have been blessed with positive karma.

I really don't give two shits about the karma that is heading stbx's way. It's not my business anymore and anyway. That is on him.

I remember being in that gut-wretching pain. It feels like it never ends but it does. Allow yourself to be in pain and be extra gentle with yourself tonight. I am so sorry you are hurting today.

Phoenix1 posted 9/4/2013 22:49 PM


I could have written your post when I was in the same gut wrenching depths of pain and despair with over 20 years of his lies and him living a double life. Soulless? Yep, he's that too. But don't worry about whatever karma may or may not come his way. Live your life YOUR way and don't give him the satisfaction of having so much power over your emotional well-being. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it painful? Definitely. But you CAN get through this, even if it feels like it is minute by minute or hour by hour. It WILL get better. And remember what has been said here so often, the best revenge is living your life well. Fuck. That. Guy!!

sleepless34 posted 9/5/2013 00:28 AM

Instead of Karma, I like to think of it like The boogeyman is going to get him. It is his own boogeyman, when he finally gets it and he will, maybe soon, maybe much later. It is coming....and when it does, it is going to knock the shit out of him. It will be worse than anything you could do. and he will be doing it to himself.

It isn't fair. It is so not fair. It never is. Because there are takers and there are givers.

But, if I had to choose between being me and being him- I would choose me. Because I am an innocent, and faithful, and good, and kind and loving, and happy. He is weak and pathetic and broken, and he will never sleep well at night again. And someday I will. SOmeday you will!

allatsea posted 9/5/2013 03:24 AM

Your post strikes a chord with me. I couldn't have put it better myself. It is totally un-just. We are powerless. They surround themselves with people who validate them so they will never likely have to face the sad truth.

I realised very early on that despite all the pain and anger that you have, that you can hold your head high, lead a life of integrity and be proud that you were not the one that grenaded so many peoples lives for your own selfish wants.

I am beginning to realise that my WW could not even watch a tv drama about infidelity without squirming in her seat. She will never be proud of herself and she will never be able to say that she put the kids first.

I am slowing and reluctantly realising that karma is unlikely to come knocking and even if it does, she won't see it as retribution for this. The best karma is to let them go, get on with your life, pick up the scrap of pride you have left and build on it. Show them that you don't need them and know, just know, that they will eventually have regrets.


[This message edited by allatsea at 3:25 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Bravenewgirl posted 9/5/2013 05:25 AM

Oh wow, I can just feel the pain in your words. I am so sad for you, but please know it will get better.

It sucks that they can dismiss an entire family and a life time of shared hopes and dreams just for the cheap thrill of a new vagina. It sucks that you did nothing wrong and are yet the one left trying to put back together a shattered heart.

The man you thought you married is dead, and he probably never existed in the first place. I have no doubt that he is wrong about 99 percent of things in life, but he is right that YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

Imagine if he came crawling back on his hands and knees asking you to get back together. Would you want him? Would you really want to life with a man that you would have to monitor for the rest of your life? How could you love someone who inflicted so much pain on you?

Never mind about his karma bus. Order up a karma limousine for yourself to sweep you away to a better life.

Big hugs to you girlfriend.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/5/2013 05:26 AM

But, if I had to choose between being me and being him- I would choose me.

^^^^^^what Sleepless said. I believe this is one of the secret keys to being able to open the "detachment" box. So, when you see his smug face, you think, hmmmmm, he's not who I fell in love with. He's not who I wanted him to be, he's not all the things I projected onto him over the years, etc. you slowly (or quickly) start to see the real him, and you start to truly think, "...much rather be me.", and slowly you start to let to and detach. It's not what you ever wanted to do, because this is a person you loved deeply. But, they changed for the worse and now you have no choice but to let them go. Yes, it's very hard and sad in so many ways. It's also necessary.

The horrible truth is that you're living through hell right now. You're in horrible emotional pain. That deserves to be acknowledged. It's a horrible thing, which is filled with disappointment, loss, bitter surprise and so many more horrible things.
I'm almost two years past DDay and sometimes I still can't quite believe my xWW did what she did. But, she did. And today, I hold my head high and am glad I'm me and not her. I hope that for you. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible.

You don't feel strong right now, but you are SO strong.

...even MORE strength being sent your way.


hangingontohope7 posted 9/5/2013 11:04 AM

Thanks for your words of support. I have read and re-read everyone's responses.

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I had a good, long cry last night. I know that I would never want him back. Ever. But that doesn't make the rejection any easier. It's difficult to feel like your life and your happiness can mean so little to someone who vowed to honor and keep you, through good times and bad. I feel like I'm the only one who actually meant and kept those vows. I've supported him through some very dark times. I stayed to work on our marriage and he put on an act for so many years. I will never understand and maybe it's better that I don't.

katiesmom posted 9/5/2013 11:53 AM

I know how you feel and this is how I feel most days. Rejection hurts. It is unfair that they can go on living their life the way they do with absolutely no consequences.

I also hate seeing my ex's smug face when he drops off my daughter. Like you, I've lost all sense of security. I am sad most of the time, unable to enjoy life like I used to. Just going through the motions.

I wish I knew what to tell you, but all I can do is understand how you feel. It has to get better for us. It will get better for us. And, we are better off without these sorry excuses for human beings. Sending you strength and hugs.

EvenKeel posted 9/5/2013 11:59 AM

I am sorry you are having a hard time.

I have faith in CAN do this and you WILL!

We all feel beaten down and defeated at times. Allow yourself that time, but then dust yourself off and regroup.

When I get like that, I envision I am in the movie "The Color Purple" and recite this:

Celie: I curse you. Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!
Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Anyone remember that scene...she is leaving her dog of a WH and wishes him ill-times?

It may be wrong, but it makes me feel better!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

EvenKeel posted 9/5/2013 12:01 PM

I can't stand seeing his smug face when he drops the kids off.

Do you need too? I purposely made sure I was in a different section of the house and left the front door unlocked. I didn't lay eyes on him for a good year.

hangingontohope7 posted 9/5/2013 12:53 PM

My kids are still pretty young, so I feel more comfortable at least standing outside when they leave and when they come home. If its just an evening visit I stay on the porch. He would never come to the front door to get them.

Ashland13 posted 9/5/2013 14:34 PM

I'm sorry, Hanging on, and I feel your sentiments very strongly.

Sometimes the pain is overwhelming, especially, I find, when things work out for him. It's like another wound opened.

Plenty of karma has come for Perv, but he continues to blame all on the universe-or me-now his lawyer-anyone but his own self who caused so much destruction.

The pain can never be erased, but FWIW, I'm trying to find a place to put it, because I feel like otherwise, he could win. If the pain overtakes me to an extent it did before, he could go after me for my children again and use the pain and results-disfunction, panic, breakdowns-he could use that against me and take me to court and take away my kids.

So that's what picked me up the floor today again and hope will help you-it will continue to remind me...we

That would be justice in itself.

ETA: FWIW, it doesn't seem like you need to see him when he arrives to visit your kids. Like, if I'm having a down day, I tell Perv that I can't interact right now and I don't. Sometimes I will sit quietly near the door so that I can make sure DD is all right when she leaves but I don't communicate with him-other times, I don't go in the room or have him wait for her on the porch. You just have to be able to find strength and face that, too.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 2:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

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