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My dying mother's siblings are making her even more miserable...

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joeboo posted 9/4/2013 21:50 PM

My mother was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. She comes from a large family that has always been very close. I understand it may seem very biased, but I have traveled the world and have never met anyone more compassionate and giving than her. So it seems natural that she would have no enemies. The issue is that she that she exercises compassion at the expense of her own comfort. If you told her you were hungry, she would give you her last piece of bread.

Fast forward to the present. She is doctoring and myself and my siblings are rotating taking her to appointments and helping her however we can to ensure she is comfortable. She is even in great spirits most of the time. However, she has a few siblings that are a little more than pompous and want to raise hell with her about getting doctors to make appointments sooner, etc... Most of them have their hearts in the right place, they just have their heads up their asses too far to see that it is stressing my mother out a little, but she is so grateful for their concern that she does not want to contest them.

Here's the kicker. One of her younger brothers remarried a year or so ago, and has a wife that is probably one of the biggest and most arrogant narcissists asses I have ever met. The problem is that she knows when to flip between it and charm depending on her wants. Now I understand why his sweet girl (my cousin) didn't attend their weeding. I have seen my uncle's new wife's true colors.

We were going to take my mother to an appointment so the doctor could explain to her that her illness was terminal. As you can imagine it was a very trying time and delicate mostly for my mother, but for me and my siblings as well. Us kids decided not to divulge any of the information from the previous appointment to my mother's siblings until my mother learned her own fate. Some of her siblings were getting pissed because they wanted to know everything right away but we told them they would need to wait until after the appointment. So they sent my uncle's new wife (i'll refer to her as "the rotten bitch" from here on out so you know who I am talking about). So the rotten bitch insisted that she be included in the appointment because my mother's siblings didn't think we were taking good care of her. It couldn't be farther from the truth, we just didn't think they needed to know anything until my mother knew. So know they are calling my mother and badgering her to give doctors names and numbers so they can get everything straightened out. No, I am not worried that they are stressing me out, I am worried that they are being manipulative bullies to my mother just because they are nosy.

I asked the rotten bitch to back off a little and she started getting real snotty with me acting like I have no idea what I am doing. Truth be told, I have been through this before and I am very detail oriented and have served my mother's dying needs very well and very proudly. My mother even reiterated with me the same sentiments for which she is very appreciative. My mother then asked me to just pacify the rotten bitch because it is less stressful for her than having me contest her. I told my mother I would oblige with her wishes as long as the rotten bitch does not challenge me.

Here is my dilemma. I have to sit and watch the subtle stress of my dying mother who in no way deserves to be treated like that. On the much larger scale, I need to honor my mother's dying wishes to not tell the rotten bitch that she is a rotten bitch anymore so it doesn't make it more stressful for her. I wish I could get the rotten bitch to leave my mother alone and let her die in peace, but her siblings keep egging the rotten bitch on.

What would you recommend I do? I do not want to upset my mother any more, but it just so wrong as she really doesn't deserve this.

[This message edited by joeboo at 9:52 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

lieshurt posted 9/4/2013 22:02 PM

I am so sorry about your mother hun. You are all in my prayers.

As far as the rotten bitch, I'm not sure. I don't care for my family and I don't care about keeping the peace with them, so I'd probably threaten her with a restraining order or a baseball bat to the knee caps.

Sad in AZ posted 9/4/2013 22:18 PM

Your mother's well-being is tantamount at this time. If you have to twist her dying wishes a bit to put her mind and body at ease, so be it.

Take the rotten bitch aside and threaten her within an inch of her life that under no circumstances is she or anyone else to push ANY issues with your mother. Then, when in mom's presence, be all smiles and cheer. FTB

Dreamboat posted 9/4/2013 22:29 PM


My heart goes out to you and your mother.

I don't know if my suggestions will work, but one suggestion is to tell rotten bitch that sorry, I can only give info to blodd relatives per Dr's orders. Or for HIPPA reasons. Or make some shit up. But basically say that sorry, she cannot be included in any appts or info simply because she is not a blood relative.

Second, and I think most important, is to find a way to shield your mother from this outside interference. I think you are inferring, from this post, that your mother is terminal. IMO, that makes you her guard. When my mother was terminal my sibs and I made any kind of excuse, realistic or not, to keep away people we thought were toxic. Move the phone out of she sleeping area, literally guard the door, be prepared to create a human shield, whatever it takes. Let thru those people who are not toxic, just keep away people like evil bitch. Make your mantra "I am sorry but she is resting"

I don't know if you have contacted hospice yet, but I can tell you that they were absolutely wonderful to my mother an our family. They provided in house care and were so supportive of my mother's wishes and of our family.

Again, I am sorry for your impending loss of your mother.

h0peless posted 9/4/2013 22:37 PM

You don't need to lie to her. Tell her and your uncle to fuck off. Tell her exactly what you think of her in the process. Burn the shit out of that bridge. You would not be out of bounds.

She and the subset of your mother's siblings who are forcing her on you sound like assholes. Your mother deserves better but so do you and your siblings. You deserve to have this time with your mother without their interference.

I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:38 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

joeboo posted 9/4/2013 22:46 PM

Thanks for the replies and the sympathies. She is in the early stages of fast growing inoperable and untreatable stage 4. So she has a little bit of quality of life right now, but that will soon dwindle.

The rotten bitch is relentless and my mother pacifies her and tells her she can attend appointments. My mother asked me to pacify the rotten bitch too to keep peace in the family. I gave the rotten bitch and my uncle a piece of my mind in very direct, blunt, and politically incorrect terminology that anyone could have understood. But now that my mother made her request, I feel more obligation to her wish than my satisfaction of telling the rotten bitch off with all the four-letter words in the book. No matter what would happen, it would get back to my mother and my priority in this situation is to offer her the credit due for the hell I but her through growing up.

The rotten bitch is incredibly narcissist, so maybe just completely ignoring her would be the best option. Maybe I could keep my mouth shut, make my mother happy, and piss of the rotten bitch all at the same time. I swear I don't even hate my fww's AP's as much as I hate the rotten bitch for what she is doing to a dying old lady.

click4it posted 9/4/2013 23:02 PM

oh goodness joe...

hope you can spend as much time with your mom as possible and that she can have as much peace as possible doing the things she loves. (((((((hugs))))))))))

Nature_Girl posted 9/4/2013 23:24 PM

Talk to your mother's doctors & caregivers. Tell them that this rotten bitch is ruining the last little bit of life your mother has left. They have the power to tell that bitch to stay the hell out of the doctor's office, she's not welcome at appointments, and so forth. They can cry HIPPA and all that good stuff.

Is there a church, pastor, priest, guru, or someone your aunts/uncles know & respect? Would this person be able to carry your STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY MOM message to the clan & bitch?

cayc posted 9/5/2013 08:05 AM

The rotten bitch is incredibly narcissist, so maybe just completely ignoring her would be the best option.

Actually yes, this is the best tactic. Let what she says/does roll off you like water on a duck's back. If you're forced to acknowledge that she's spoken say, "hmm, that's a very interesting opinion" and then carry on with whatever you were doing.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

nowiknow23 posted 9/5/2013 08:30 AM

Nature Girl has some great points, joeboo. And you are right - don't feed the NPD.

My mother is dying as well, so I understand how stressful these coming days can be. One tactic that we use with the more difficult personalities in our family (although no NPD there - just difficult people) is to give them jobs that make them feel as if they have some power in the situation, when all they are really doing is rearranging the flowers, so to speak.

One sibling was given the task of putting together a site where we could post updates, another with collecting everyone's email addresses and setting up a Yahoo group for mass email notifications. Stuff like that. Keeps them busy and out of the way while they can feel as if they are contributing.

Sending you strength and comfort, joeboo. Don't lose sight of your own self care in the days to come. (((((hugs)))))

movingforward777 posted 9/5/2013 09:51 AM

You could always tell "rotten bitch" that the appointment is on Wednesday, and then take Mum to her appointment on Tuesday....
Sorry you are going through this. It seems that death and dying brings out the worst in people. I'm sure they all think they are doing what is right, but it is not right for your Mum. She is the most important thing right now, and deserves to live out her days doing the things she wants, saying her goodbyes the way she wants, and spending time with who she wants. Respect her wishes, but protect her from the bullshit!
HUGS and prayers for you, your Mum and family.

joeboo posted 9/5/2013 19:30 PM

Thanks for all the advice. I guess I will keep my mouth shut for now. I was very proud of my mother today as the rotten bitch called her this morning and she told the rotten bitch multiple times no thank you when she was repeatedly badgered to give her the doctors name and phone number that is performing the next set of tests.

I will mind my manners for my mother's sake, and every time the rotten bitch opens her mouth I will daydream that I am chasing her down with my pickup and she is running away and screaming.

I have to do something because a few times a day when I think about it my blood pressure goes through the roof. I have lost all respect for them and will cut all ties the moment my mother passes away. I hope that will be a long time, but I know the end is drawing near.

Crushed1 posted 9/5/2013 22:42 PM

(((Joeboo, Mom, family))) I'm sorry you're having to deal with this NPD crazy woman during such a trying time.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/5/2013 22:52 PM

(((joeboo and family)))

TrustGone posted 9/5/2013 23:12 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. She sounds like a wonderful person. I agree that maybe you could possibly give the rotten bitch something to occupy her time more wisely. I would just ignore her and go about taking care of my Mom.

Unfortunately, when my Mom was dying, her sister called the hospital when she found out we were cutting off the respirator. My Mom had a living will that told what she wanted and we had discussed it before, so I knew what my Mom wanted us to do. I was also her power of attorney. Anyway her rotten bitch sister called and demanded that we not cut the ventilator off and accused me of killing my Mom and we only wanted what Mother had. I was livid. The bitch didn't even have the decency to come to the hospital to see Mom and then thought she could demand us to go against my Mother's wishes. I told that bitch to go to hell in no uncertain terms. Then after Mom dies she told us we couldn't have Mom cremated and she needed a descent funeral. My Mom had always told me what she wanted. She said let them take what someone else could use and cremate the rest. She did not want to be buried in the ground. It freaked her out at the very thought of it. Again I told her to go f@#k herself and did what my Mom asked me to do. When I had the memorial service for Mom, the bitch sister didn't even show up to pay her respects. I never heard from her or spoke to her again and I never will.

Anyway, try to enjoy the time you have left with your Mom. Losing your parents is one of the hardest things you will ever face. It is right up there with the pain of infedelity. The only difference is you know they didn't have a choice and they would never betray you. God Bless your Mom, you, and your family. (((HUGS)))

5454real posted 9/5/2013 23:31 PM

Sorry you're going through this brother. Is Mom willing or has she signed Healthcare power of attorney over to you yet? If she has/will, tell them all to go piss up a rope and take care of your mom.

BTDT with my Dad.

Can Mom refer all calls to you?

Why don't they understand? Well meaning or not?

Sending strength

million pieces posted 9/6/2013 06:53 AM

Just wanted to add that a trip to an estate lawyer may help with future issues.

k94ever posted 9/6/2013 07:50 AM

And really Joe, if the sister isn't listed on the HIPPA forms she can call and harass the doctors all she wants. They CAN'T release the information to her.

Just make sure the sister IS NOT listed on any of the HIPPA forms.

Thanks for stepping up and being your Mom's advocate.


tushnurse posted 9/6/2013 08:05 AM

Having experience on both sides of this coin, as a caregiver, and a family member, I have a few thoughts that I would like to add in.

Does she have her Durable power of attorney filled out? If so that is a very useful tool to keep Rotten Bitch from shoving her nose in it all.

Since she has been told she is terminal she should be eligible for Hospice/Palliative care. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Get them involved sooner than later. They provided all kinds of support, care, and it's covered by insurance. These folks can then take over and be the bad guys, and they will. Especially if they pick up on the nuances that mom is stressed. For these caregivers it is all about quality of life. They may be able to also help the siblings really grasp the fact that no matter how many doctors you go to, that there really aren't curable options.

I would also strongly recommend talking to your uncle privately, and let him know that even though Rotten Bitch means well she is creating havoc, and Mom is too saintly to say anything, and to please have him have her back off.

HIPAA will assist when it comes to her calling and getting info, but if Mom is agreeable to her coming to appointments, it's implicit that she is comfortable with the Dr talking with Rotten Bitch present.

((((and strength))))

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