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Newest Member: NeedSomeAdvice (45762)

User Topic: OM lost his job bc of the a
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with emotions over this development. In the name of honesty in marriage, I told WW about OM being forced to resign. She was understandably upset at this and also because the story is getting out including her name being mentioned as his ap. However...
I am angry that she became upset and withdrawn. I know it's unreasonable for me to think that she wouldn't be upset, especially since she was partially responsible for this. But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty. Short term: I suppose I'll get over it. Long term: I'm not willing to endure another 15 years of her heart being elsewhere.
2 months since dday #5. There won't be a dday #6

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the OM a minister that lost his post?

I like the verse: (paraphrased) those whom much is given much is required. So take that and find a secular job creep.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep, he was

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may not be mourning the loss of her AP....I would bet she is ashamed that her A is now full time town news, that the OM lost his job and she has created a mess in her family.

Just a thought.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Mom's AP was a minister. Still is. They're married now. I wish the hypocrite had faced some consequences. Your wife's AP doesn't deserve an ounce of sympathy. The fact that she thinks he does is beyond concerning.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are several people in relationships that I know of and the other person was their counselor. One is a psychiatrist.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2373 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quoththeraven1 - she's upset cause she had as much to do with it as him and probably feels very responsible. I know that my FWW felt very responsible for OM's marriage, but if he would have lost his job over the A and everyone would know, she would probably have been more suicidal than she already was.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it feels like disloyalty

If it walks like a duck....

It IS disloyalty.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering she hasn't been very remorseful..and took the A underground for a few more years..I don't think she is ashamed of her behavior at all. I think she is embarrassed that the affair is being gossiped about..and she is worried about her reputation. She had an affair with a minister..and a man who was her friend's husband...that paints her in a very bad light.

Oh well. When you carry on an affair you should expect consequences.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7920 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

could you please explain why you think you are being unreasonable?

it sounds like she is again choosing him over you.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3177 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, both pro and con. I read each one carefully. In answer to the question about why it might be unreasonable to think the way I am currently, it's the time factor. I don't know that it is possible to simply turn off feelings that have been nurtured carefully for 15 years. Those feelings were wrong, but they are still there in her heart. I expect her to work on this, and I am willing to allow time for this to happen. I am not apologizing for resenting those feelings, but to act on my anger is not appropriate. So, my reaction, while not reasonable is like hers: disappointing, but to be expected. Dig?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but to act on my anger is not appropriate
. I am not attempting to be snarky, but why not, in an appropriate manner? The story of the money changers in the temple comes to mind.

IMO, righteous anger is one thing, mindless is another. Wouldn't it be appropriate for her to help you deal with your anger?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3177 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And on a side note, I am glad to hear from you but I sure wish it was because of better news. And I wholly agree with 5454real about righteous anger vice mindless.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5103 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sooo sorry..
I wish I could hug you.
Noone deserves to be cheated on but for 15 years I have no words..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
redrock
♀ 21538
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty.

It would anger me as well. There are consequences for destructive choices. His predicament is of his (and your wives) making.

Her feelings may be difficult to turn off, but now is the time to dig into the fact that the foundation of those feelings are lies, fiction and fantasy.

I love a great movie. A director uses character, music, light, mood, and very specific shots to evoke a reaction from the audience.

I still remember what it felt like when Sergeant Elias was killed by Sergeant Barnes in Platoon. I had a whole bunch of feelings. I sobbed like a baby.. that movie was freaking great. It sure felt real, but it wasn't.

Having a certain feeling doesn't make it authentic. It is time that your wife woke up to the fact that she is a GREAT director of lies. She lies best and most convincingly to herself. And at some point it is just going to get tiresome and sad for you to watch. She needs to stop wallowing in the feelings and examine the person behind them.

I would advise her to Turn off the tragic meter. Wake up and have the courage to see it for all the ugly it was in glorious close up.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:52 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Heartache; that was almost as good as a real hug. I don't get any of those. I am still on my island, even though everyone pretty much knows now. Friends are afraid to call me, I guess.
Redrock, I hear you loud and clear. As I do 5454, but I still think that the time factor is significant. I suppose that a question regarding why would have been appropriate on my part. However, there are two problems with asking for explanations. 1-I don't trust her answers. 2-I don't feel like asking anything.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to hear from you too, Skan

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my QTR1! What a conundrum.

...there are two problems with asking for explanations. 1-I don't trust her answers. 2-I don't feel like asking anything.

Betrayal is exhausting.

But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty.

And it is disloyalty! Her reaction is like a slap in the face!

IMHO, I think that you are over thinking her position.

Why are you trying to fathom her 15 year trysts with this creep? And the added insult of her sympathy with said creep about his come-uppance?

You are too kind. Try to think of yourself, your own healing. Be kind to yourself.

And when you catch your wind, please let your displeasure and irritation be known to her.

Loyalty is a piller of a safe marriage.

I'm not willing to endure another 15 years of her heart being elsewhere.

'Nuff said!

Please protect your own heart.
(((((QTR1)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1145 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
quoththeraven1
♂ 35458
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when you catch your wind, please let your displeasure and irritation be known to her.

Loyalty is a piller of a safe marriage.

Sound advice.

Now unfortunately I'm kind of waiting to lose my job as well. I need to call a meeting and let everything be known with this congregation, but so far I haven't been able to do that. I hate the thought of causing embarrassment to my wife after she has made a change, and I don't really feel like inviting further consequences on myself after everything I have been through. But I have much for which to answer myself.

It's not just the scandal with my wife, but the things I did that I insisted on admitting out of fairness. Those things will also be known. It doesn't seem very fair that our consequences will be equal, Little Prince Charming and I, but I guess that's how it is.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now unfortunately I'm kind of waiting to lose my job as well.
I'm not quite sure what's happening here, are you employed by the same church where the OP was pastor?

Anyway, back to this:

to act on my anger is not appropriate.
IMHO, it is absolutely important. Now, I'm certainly not advocating hurting anyone, but honestly expressing rage and anger over such a horrific betrayal is perfectly normal, and a natural consequence of what has happened.I think people that stifle that anger are harming themselves. Anger can be very helpful as a vehicle for change. So much injustice in the world has been righted because people got angry.

hate the thought of causing embarrassment to my wife after she has made a change
You will not be causing embarrassment to your wife; she has brought embarrassment on to herself. Why are you absorbing the fallout for what she and the OP did? Let go of the outcome. Actions have consequences, and they will have to suffer the fallout of their own actions. You have nothing to do with it.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 2:45 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 49
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