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I am really fubar (first time post)

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FUBAR858 posted 9/4/2013 23:36 PM

So my story, been with my wife for 11+ years, married 5, and have a 4 y/o daughter. I found out that my wife was having an A during our 5 year anniversary with another married man. I kicked her out around the 1st of the year and just recently allowed her back home to try to work on things.

Throughout the whole time she would tell me that she was in NC with XAP but found out she was lying about that until I threatened A that I would tell his W.

My issues that I'm having now is that things seem to be getting back to normal - as normal as they can be under the circumstances and this scares me to death. All I can think about is that things were "normal" when she was having the A. I'm starting to second guess everything that she is doing, where she is going,who she is talking to etc. From time to time it seems like nothing ever happened for her. I don't really know what I should expect, like should she be more "lovey" with me or what. She has however given me access to her email accounts where I've seen that she has contacted XAP and tried to delete them before me seeing them. (It has been about a week that she has been NC from XAP.) Before I allowed her back I really didn't care about that kind of stuff, almost like she wasn't in my life. I was focusing on myself. Make myself a better person and making the best of a shitty situation.

So besides the rant, I guess my question is - Will things actually get better or will I always second guess her every move? Will a true R be in the future or am I just being hopeful?

Definitely looking for some support, suggestions, etc. Thanks

h0peless posted 9/4/2013 23:48 PM

First of all, you need to tell the shitweasel's wife. Don't tell your wife you're going to do it, just do. Be pleasant and factual. Think about how you would want to be told. Have evidence.

Secondly, your wife seems to have repeatedly shown you who she is. Do you want to live the rest of your life playing detective? Do you want to try to let go of the suspicion and trust her again? Would that be wise? If you do decide to reconcile, she needs to see a therapist who has experience in infidelity. She needs to figure out why she thinks this behavior is OK before she even starts to resemble a safe partner.

By the way, welcome to the best club that none of us wanted to join. We know how you feel and will do what we can to help you.

woundedby2 posted 9/5/2013 01:16 AM

Welcome, fubar. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. If you haven't read the articles in the Healing Library, you should do that. See the yellow box above Dr. Phil over there? There's a link there. Lots of good articles in there.

As to your question of whether things will get better and whether you can truly have a reconciled marriage. Honestly, yes you can. However, both spouses must be truly committed to R. There cannot be a reconciliation without it. You cannot will it to be so on your own.

No one wants to be their WS's keeper. A life of snooping and checking and wondering and worrying and doubting is not what any of us signed on for.

Best wishes to you.

MeanBean posted 9/5/2013 01:36 AM

Yes you definitely need to tell the the AP's wife.

1) If the AP's wife knew about the affair before you knew, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

2) Keeping the affair secret is protecting the OM marriage. Why are you doing this man a favor? Your only helping him to stay in contact with your wife because nobody is keeping an eye on his actions on his side.

3) Why is your wife more interested in protecting his marriage then to work on yours. Telling his wife will make it harder for her to continue contact with him and to burst their bubble if both spouses know whats going on.

4) Why does the AP get to have sex with your wife and also maintain his "happy marriage" untouched and with no consequences to face.

5)Your wife is still lying to you when she should be willing to do anything to save the marriage. Not sweep it under the rug and continue to lie to your face.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 1:38 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 9/5/2013 04:00 AM

Sorry you are here brother but welcome since you are .you have been getting some good advice so far . Definitely expose the affair , it will help you and burst their bubble! The affair thrives in secrecy. Also it does not sound like she respects you at all. You bring her back to the home to reconcile and she is still in contact with other man? Come on my friend do you really want to live your life like this? Kids or not ! I am not saying not to reconcile but she has to stop and give you exactly what you need to heal. I don't know the status of your marraige before but the affair was all her fault . Right now you took a major blow to your ego and self esteem! We all did. I just don't want to see you make the same stupid mistakes I did ! No weakness , be assertive not aggressive , state your terms for reconcile and if she doesn't like them or agree then file papers. I know this isn't easy believe me . I am not telling you this as a therapist I am telling you this from a guy who walked this path before. I am 5 months in from D day with no remorse at all from stbxw. I know your pain well as do all others here . You are better and deserve better . Take care of you first and your child , stay strong and post often , read books to understand the why and how and I wish you the best of luck in whatever choice you make.

atsenaotie posted 9/5/2013 08:19 AM

Hi FUBAR858,

Will things actually get better or will I always second guess her every move?

Things can get better, but it takes work.

First for your WW. She has to convince you she wants to be M to you, and that it is safe for you to stay with her while she works to fix herself. Typically, this means that her life becomes transparent for a period of time. You have access to all of her email and phone accounts. She does not delete texts until you have had a chance to see them. If she is out without you, she sends you a photo proving where she is. If she will be late at work she calls on the office phone, not her mobile phone, to prove where she is. She sends a NC letter you approved of to her OM. She spends more time with you or home, less out with friends who may have supported the A.

Once you feel safe, she needs to learn why she had an A so she can change the aspects of her personality that led to her A. If it was poor boundaries, then she has to learn what good boundaries are and practice implementing them. If there was some need or hole within her she was trying to fill, she needs to identify that and find new coping strategies to address that need. IC is very helpful for this. If she re-wrote the M history during her A to justify her actions, she needs to own that. If she has other personality issues (addiction, attachment disorder, personality defects), these need to be identified and be well on the way to managed.

She needs to make amends to you. This can be by taking actions to prove her love, to woo you. She can assist you in your healing by answering all of your questions about the A with little or no resentment, even when you ask the same question over and over. When you trigger related to the A she can hold you and apologize for bringing this into your life, for damaging your trust.

While your WW is working on these things (assuming she does want to be M to you and you to her), it is on you to heal yourself. You must get to acceptance that the A occurred, and process the feelings associated with that. I do not believe that you need to forgive, but you must get to a point where you accept your W as a full member and partner of the M.

When you are well on to healed, and her to fixing her internal issues, then the two of you can work on healing the M. You can look back and restore a common story and history of your M. You can both identify weaknesses in your M and practice skills to strengthen it. You can both work at improving communication, expressing love, and setting and enforcing boundaries.

If you both do all of these things, and sustain the effort, at some point years from now you will realize you are past the A. That you again trust your WW and feel love for her.

tushnurse posted 9/5/2013 08:50 AM

Welcome FUBAR - You will find a wealth of knowledge here. You will also find tons of support.

The way things are going right now with R, no they won't get better, and no you won't build trust. However it is possible to do that, and get to a point where a M is healed from an A. It requires both partners being fully commited to it, and working dang hard to get there.

Your wife has done nothing to and is doing nothing to heal from this. I would even bet that she has a secret phone, &/or a secret email and is still communicating with this guy. Right now she gets the best of both worlds, a husband and a boyfriend. One who makes her feel safe, and secure, the other makes her feel sexy, exciting, and whatever else she is getting out of it.

If you have not figured out what you need from her to successfully R then you need to do this. You need to sit down with pen and paper and make your list of requirements for R, along with consequences, and be prepared to follow through with them.

You have done well to focus on you and get yourself strong. This is very important. You should also do a few things that every BS should do, if you have not already...
See an attorney, find out what your rights are, and what would happen should you choose to S or D.
See your Dr, request STD testing. If she is having an A who knows what the other guy has done, and is doing....You have to protect yourself for you and your kiddo. Make sure you are eating, drinking, and sleeping if these are hard and not being done, talk to the Dr about a little pharmaceutical support temporarily. It's ok many of us have had to do that to get us through.

The fact that she wants to pretend all is well and back to normal is a huge red flag for me. This is what a lot of WS's do when they take their A underground, and definitely don't get the damage they have caused. I would encourage you to spy a bit, yah it sucks, but you need to verify that she is being truthful now. She has proven herself a liar, so it's just being smart, and protecting yourself at this point.

keep posting, keep asking questions...

((((and strength))))

kannan posted 9/5/2013 08:53 AM

I think you are dealing with a remorseless wife and rug swept the affair without dealing it properly with some IC or MC.

You kicked her out and did not informed the OMs wife so you kicking her out was a blessing for them to continue their affair without any fear.
If you exposed him at that time to OMW, he may have thrown your wife under the bus and may be running to save his marriage. It may have shocked her out of the fog and realized what she is going to loose.

You told her you will out him and she stopped her contact means. she is really afraid of exposure of OM or they took it underground or still protecting him (any of this is not the behavior of a truly remorseful wife)

Is she truly remorseful and ready to do anything to heal you and ease your pain? If not then why you want to reconcile with her?

What are the consequences she faced?

doggiediva posted 9/5/2013 09:10 AM

There is a very quick way to find out her motivations for moving back home..
As a condition of R, if she is relying on you financially, have a post nup agreement drawn up that ensures that you and your kiddo are safe and secure financially/custody wise...
You will know almost instantly if she truly wants to stay in the marriage for life because she loves you as a partner or if she is just there for the comforts of a familiar home..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:12 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

damaged71 posted 9/5/2013 11:05 AM


For me telling the other guys wife was not something that I wanted to do. But.... I finally got to the point where I wanted him to start having the same kind of fun I did so I told his wife.


Once I did that it was truly the end of things. Up until that point it was all fun and games for him. Once the wife found out it was OVER.

As far as checking on the wife all the time I was in the same place you were. I was wondering if I would ever get over it.

Technically I did but not how I expected. I don't care what my wife does, I truly don't. I told her a while back if you do any of the things on this list I'm divorcing you no questions asked and no turning back. I know if she does she will eventually get caught so it's no big deal.

I know if she does the stupid things she did the first time knowing how much pain it caused me she really isn't the one for me and I am better off anyway.

If she stays faithful I win. If she wanders I also win because I get to remove something damaging from my life.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago and I never want to be that person again. Hopefully you get to where I am someday.

Painfuljourney posted 9/5/2013 11:31 AM

Yes, tell AP wife! She deserves to know. If you want things to NC you need to. To ensure AP also has consequences. AP will also have to make decisions with his marriage.

It's not fair to AP's wife to not know. It's not up to your WW.

1Faith posted 9/5/2013 13:29 PM

Dear Fubar

I understand completely. Normal scared the shit out of me. I hated normal because when I perceived things to be normal my FWH was actually having an affair.

Life at home was normal. Work, kids, family events, etc. All "normal" and yet not because he was choosing to live a dual life. Choosing to seek affection and affirmation outside our marriage. All along, I am thinking we have a "normal" life and a "normal" marriage. Not perfect but "normal"

After Dday and much IC and MC, I could not shake the fact that if I let my guard down and allowed our life to return to "normal" then how couldn't it/wouldn't it happen again.

Gently, it has only been a week since NC with the OM? How long has she been back in your home? Has she had contact with him since she's been back? Things are no where near "normal" after only one week of NC.

She isn't remorseful if she is still having contact with him. A week is nothing at this point, it is a start but there is along way to go.

It appears she is hedging her bets at this point. She wants to see if it can work out with you but just in case it can't (and it can't if she is still contacting the OM for any reason) then she doesn't want to lose the OM as well.

Please be careful. Please keep your guard high. Her actions will speak volumes.

Please look up the difference between regret and remorse. There is a huge difference.

You deserve honesty and truth.

Stand tall. Demand NC. Call the OM's BS and bring this whole ugly thing to light. If she knows then the OM will have to focus on his marriage and not keep up his secret life with your WW.

Good luck. Read the 180 and keep moving.

IC for you. It helps, it does.


duststorm posted 9/5/2013 14:21 PM

Hi Fubar-
I just wanted to echo what everyone else said about telling the OMW. Please do it. She needs to know what she is married to. When I contacted the OWH, he was appropriately upset and wanted to know how long I knew. He took comfort in the fact that I hadn't known long and I was seeking him out.

Also, don't tell your W you are doing it, you will just get excuses. I had told my WH I was going to tell him and he gave me every excuse in the book only to continue the affair under ground. I caught him 48 hrs later and immediately contacted the OWH. He thanked me over and over and even apologized to me for "his whoring wife." If he had known first, I would have wanted him to contact me. As flourish in the dark. Put the SPOT LIGHT on it!!

Broken6 posted 9/6/2013 21:16 PM

I am glad I read your post and the responses. My WH keeps telling me to stop investigating. It hasn't been but a month since D-Day second time with same OW. He wants to try and reconcile and seems to be trying, but he tells me if I can't try and move forward I am going to cause him to have a heart attack. I want it to be normal, but just like you, wonder if that is ever possible. Look where normal got us in the first place. I hope she wakes up and realizes that you are a better person than she deserves. It is harder to stay and try and get through it. Stay strong and stay vigilant, for your sake and your child.

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