You need to understand what your financial rights are, and how to protect yourself, and your kids. You also need to find out if leaving/throwing him out right now is a feesable option. Many here who are stuck operate under the notion that they would not be able to afford such things, when the truth of the matter is that there is more help available to single moms' out there than you know.
Make sure you are taking care of you. Eating, Sleeping, staying hydrated, if you aren't go to your Dr. Also I would strongly encourage you to be STD tested ASAP. His behaviors are those of a sex addict, and with that comes risky behaviors that in turn put you at risk. Protect yourself, so that you can care for you and your kids.
Keep posting, keep reading, start finding your strong. It's there, it's just buried with other stuff right now.
((((and strength))))
And...Get tested for STD's immediately.
That just sounded SO contrived, I knew it wasn't true.
Good for you, installing a keylogger. You have a very powerful tool at your disposal - DON'T EVER tell him how you got your information!!!! Never, ever reveal your sources. All that does is tell him what NOT to do next time (if he's lucky enough to have you around FOR a next time).
So that's rule NUMBER ONE.
I'm not quite understanding what these lame profiles are for - are they on a sex hookup site, or are they on a dating site like Plenty of Fish or Match.com?
In either event Jesss, I think it would be foolhardy to believe he's never met anyone in person or hasn't cheated on you numerous times, sexually over all these years he's been doing this. This has been going on for a long time and to assume it's just been nothing more than silly little messages through a dating site or chatting on the phone would be pretty naive.
First, I'd find a lawyer who gives free consultations and book that free hour with him just to get an idea of exactly where you stand since you're a SAHM and have no income of your own (never a good idea - it takes away ALL your options).
Secondly, I'd start getting all my ducks in a row just in case this does lead to a separation/divorce. You need to start saving small amounts of money - $10 here, $20 there, so on and so forth. Keep it hidden and just for you.
As far as what to do about his long-running and illustrious online dating 'career,' I'd blast his sorry ass right out of the water.
I hope you've COPIED all the proof you found in his secret email accounts - make 2 copies and keep one safe in a sealed envelope with a friend or family member. You never know if you'll need it down the right. You need to be smarter than HIM, as painful as this may be for you.
If you're going to set him up for a sting, you can create a fake profile but don't make this girl over the top - that will look fake. Find an attractive random picture or two of a woman and create a profile with attributes you know he'll find attractive. Again, don't overdo it and make her into some kind of dream girl or he's going to get suspicious. Perhaps her story can be that she's recently divorced or out of a long term relationship and looking for 'friends' as she's not ready for a huge emotional commitment. That will be attractive to your husband as he can't GIVE anyone a huge emotional commitment. But you'll probably need to get a friend or family member (sworn to secrecy) to help you as he'll eventually want to talk to this woman on the phone. So it may require the cooperation of a friend willing to do this for you.
Keep copies of all correspondence, tape any phone conversations he and this 'woman' have (if you can), and absolutely set him up for a first 'meet' at some out of the way place - then show up and watch him squirm.
Honestly, you're not going to make him feel hurt or guilty or any of those things. If he hasn't felt that way all these years that he's been up to no good shopping around for cheap thrills, I don't believe he's going to have a sudden epiphany and realize how crappy his behavior has been. It's almost like he feels justified from what I've read in your profile - he's verbally abusive and something tells me he thinks he DESERVES to have extra curricular crap going on the side. All he did was give you a whole bunch of lip service the last time he was caught.
I'm really so sorry you find yourself in this position and I think you're VERY smart for keeping what you've found out close to the vest - until you're ready to use it. Good luck to you.
You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. (((more hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
The Dr's office is used to hearing this story. They will not judge, and will be sympathetic, and probably offer you some support. In addition it sounds like you could use a little pharmaceutical support right now too. That is OK. I personally needed antianxiety medications to help me through it. I couldn't eat or sleep. When I didn't get sleep I found it was about a zillion times harder to emotions in check, and not become a blubbering mess. The ativan helped me sleep, and it helped with the panic attacks, when the what if cycle started...you know What if he is cheating, what if he gets a disease, what if I can't leave, what if I give him another chance, what if what if what if....It was unhealthy, and crazymaking.
It is time to put you and your kiddos first. You first, then the kids. Just like on a plane, you apply your oxygen mask first, then the kids. You are no good to them if you can't function. It was them that gave me the strength to keep getting up everyday, and going to work. I needed to be able to care for them.
((((and strength)))))
I just wish who he pretended to be was real. I loved his and trusted him so much. We been having problems for about three years, but when we were all together as a family doing anything, it'd always be a blast... For me and my children anyway... I hope one day he realizes what he gave up. I don't want to forgive him, he's not even sorry, but if he ever is, it doesn't matter. I'm done. I hope I can stay strong. What do you all do to stay strong? Not fall back into their lies?
None of it. If you carry any guilt, if you question WHY your WH has damaged your family so horribly, please believe that all the reasons belong to HIM.
This was my mantra: Hold my head up. Be strong. I did nothing wrong!
If he is blame shifting, he is not truly remorseful. He must own his mistakes and poor choices. For you to begin to heal from trauma of this magnitude, your WH will need to find a way to allow you to speak of your pain. I can't imagine reconciliation after infidelity without MC, but some here have managed it.
In your case, IC for you would be very helpful.
I don't want to offer too much for now. I just want you to know that this is a very safe place for you to come and begin to heal yourself.
This is such a long road. The support you find from the members of this forum will make the journey smoother...not easy, by any means...but you'll never travel alone.
Take care of you. You can't control the behavior or choices or your WH, but you can control how you react to them.
Do what's best for YOU.
Write here often. Lots of wonderfully compassionate and very smart folks here.
Ask questions or just vent. It helps.
Many hugs and healthy thoughts.
You will come out the other side one way or another but you will. Have faith.
It is for YOU not for HIM and not for your marriage but for YOU.
Good luck.
(((hugs)))
You need to think about who goes, who stays, where would you go, how would you survive financially. If you can figure that out, it will give you the strength to really confront him.
Then confront him with all of the evidence, tell him you have seen an attorney, and start the 180 until he comes around.
Then it is counselling and talking, and reconnecting, if that is possible.
So sorry you have to go through this with small children. Very scary but you will get much support and advice here. Hugs.
There is a resource thread for those who have spouses into anonymous encounters here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550
that addresses items that are particular to this flavor of infidelity. Please add it to the posts you need to read.
Be gentle with yourself, and make yourself the priority now. Not him, or "catching" him. Now that he knows you are onto him, he's likely going underground or quitting temporarily until he can convince you he's not doing what he's really doing. You already know what you need to know. Focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself. The post above is one of many that will help you do that.
What kind of world do we live in? Who are these people? Do I pass them as I walk down the street, check out at the store?
I'm still reeling from shock. I think the bright side of that shock, is just the realization - one we can cling to - that we are not cut from a cloth that could participate in these kinds of things.
Small consolation though ...
Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.
My husband used to always say how easy it would be for him to cheat on me, since he works out of town. I didn't care because I "Knew" that he would never even think of actually doing such a thing.
[This message edited by Jesss at 11:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
DO NOT confront and give an ultimatum unless you're ready to follow through. Before you confront you need to have an exit strategy. Start thinking. Even if all you do is stow away your birth certificate and the last three years tax records, it's a start. It'll help you feel like you're doing SOMETHING. Sometimes that will cause your brain to kick into gear and come up with other ideas. I don't have anything else right now, but I'm sure you have resources that you haven't considered yet. Is there anything you can sell to stash cash? Can you cut back on groceries at all? Anything is a start. Trust me, anything is a start.
