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I'm feeling broken and numb and shocked and devasted

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Jesss posted 9/5/2013 01:36 AM

Hey... So I posted a couple weeks ago. I'll put that post as my story.
Anyways, I installed a keylogger, and like you all predicted, he has two other user accounts on a dating site. He messages like over 30 women a night while he's away working... Wile I'm bored and wanting to talk to him on the phone, he says he's really sleepy, then goes online to dating sites, and then porn site when no one replied to any of his messages.
I don't know what to do now. I don't want to confront him yet. Last time I did right away and it was too easy for him to deny and lie. I want to be smart this time. I am broke and have nothing without him, I can't leave him yet. I think I will have to eventually. This isn't something I'm going to get over. And it seems like it's an addiction of his or something.
What should I do next? Make a fake profile and see how far he goes? He sends the women fake pictures, but one of the profiles look similar to him. I also found a couple secret emails, he has emails in one of them October 2010!!!!! I was 8 months pregnant with our third child, and taking care of our two others... While he was away "working"....
I am in shock. I just want to be smart. I want him to confess... Is that possible? I want him to hurt and feel guilty and regret ruining his life. How should I do this?

tushnurse posted 9/5/2013 07:53 AM

Sweetie - Get your rear end to an attorney ASAP. Seriously. This guy is acting a total douche. I have no idea what he does for a living, but unless he is working in a sex shop I am pretty sure his bosses would show him the door to find out he is looking at porn, and on sex/dating sites while they are paying him. He could be let go at the drop of his hat.

You need to understand what your financial rights are, and how to protect yourself, and your kids. You also need to find out if leaving/throwing him out right now is a feesable option. Many here who are stuck operate under the notion that they would not be able to afford such things, when the truth of the matter is that there is more help available to single moms' out there than you know.

Make sure you are taking care of you. Eating, Sleeping, staying hydrated, if you aren't go to your Dr. Also I would strongly encourage you to be STD tested ASAP. His behaviors are those of a sex addict, and with that comes risky behaviors that in turn put you at risk. Protect yourself, so that you can care for you and your kids.

Keep posting, keep reading, start finding your strong. It's there, it's just buried with other stuff right now.

((((and strength))))

painpaingoaway posted 9/5/2013 07:59 AM

^^^^^^^what TN said! Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer!

And...Get tested for STD's immediately.

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/5/2013 08:22 AM

Awww Jesss, I kind of suspected you'd only seen the tip of the iceburg when I read your husband's fluff response the first time he got caught, acting as though this was the only time he'd EVER done it and gosh golly, his guilt was eating him alive and blah blah blah.

That just sounded SO contrived, I knew it wasn't true.

Good for you, installing a keylogger. You have a very powerful tool at your disposal - DON'T EVER tell him how you got your information!!!! Never, ever reveal your sources. All that does is tell him what NOT to do next time (if he's lucky enough to have you around FOR a next time).

So that's rule NUMBER ONE.

I'm not quite understanding what these lame profiles are for - are they on a sex hookup site, or are they on a dating site like Plenty of Fish or

In either event Jesss, I think it would be foolhardy to believe he's never met anyone in person or hasn't cheated on you numerous times, sexually over all these years he's been doing this. This has been going on for a long time and to assume it's just been nothing more than silly little messages through a dating site or chatting on the phone would be pretty naive.

First, I'd find a lawyer who gives free consultations and book that free hour with him just to get an idea of exactly where you stand since you're a SAHM and have no income of your own (never a good idea - it takes away ALL your options).

Secondly, I'd start getting all my ducks in a row just in case this does lead to a separation/divorce. You need to start saving small amounts of money - $10 here, $20 there, so on and so forth. Keep it hidden and just for you.

As far as what to do about his long-running and illustrious online dating 'career,' I'd blast his sorry ass right out of the water.

I hope you've COPIED all the proof you found in his secret email accounts - make 2 copies and keep one safe in a sealed envelope with a friend or family member. You never know if you'll need it down the right. You need to be smarter than HIM, as painful as this may be for you.

If you're going to set him up for a sting, you can create a fake profile but don't make this girl over the top - that will look fake. Find an attractive random picture or two of a woman and create a profile with attributes you know he'll find attractive. Again, don't overdo it and make her into some kind of dream girl or he's going to get suspicious. Perhaps her story can be that she's recently divorced or out of a long term relationship and looking for 'friends' as she's not ready for a huge emotional commitment. That will be attractive to your husband as he can't GIVE anyone a huge emotional commitment. But you'll probably need to get a friend or family member (sworn to secrecy) to help you as he'll eventually want to talk to this woman on the phone. So it may require the cooperation of a friend willing to do this for you.

Keep copies of all correspondence, tape any phone conversations he and this 'woman' have (if you can), and absolutely set him up for a first 'meet' at some out of the way place - then show up and watch him squirm.

Honestly, you're not going to make him feel hurt or guilty or any of those things. If he hasn't felt that way all these years that he's been up to no good shopping around for cheap thrills, I don't believe he's going to have a sudden epiphany and realize how crappy his behavior has been. It's almost like he feels justified from what I've read in your profile - he's verbally abusive and something tells me he thinks he DESERVES to have extra curricular crap going on the side. All he did was give you a whole bunch of lip service the last time he was caught.

I'm really so sorry you find yourself in this position and I think you're VERY smart for keeping what you've found out close to the vest - until you're ready to use it. Good luck to you.

Jesss posted 9/5/2013 10:30 AM

Thank you so much for e replies.
I'm so scared to get an std test, first of all now embarrassing! Second of all, I'm so scared to find out if he's actually physically been with any women. I swriously don't know if I can survive learning that.
I feel like my while life hasn't even been real, my life since him that is, my marriage.i can't help but cry looking at my beautiful kids who are late for school today because I can barel function. I want to keep living and not think about my husband but I can't get it out of my head. I slept about 30 mins last night...

Jesss posted 9/5/2013 13:07 PM

Oh, the dating site is POF, but he's just looking for hook ups or cyber sex, pictures....

Skan posted 9/5/2013 13:11 PM

And your beautiful children are why you are going to wipe those tears off of your face, blow your nose, and make that phone call to the doctor. There are STDs out there that can severely impact your health let alone cause your death if they progress far enough. Same thing with HIV. And you want to be the person raising your children, not some bimbo that he installs as wifetress. (((hugs))) Yes, it's just awful, but each and every one of us has had to make that call as well.

You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. (((more hugs)))

tushnurse posted 9/5/2013 15:11 PM

What Skan said.
Sweetie don't be embarassed, heartbroken sure, but embarassed, oh no, please don't be.

The Dr's office is used to hearing this story. They will not judge, and will be sympathetic, and probably offer you some support. In addition it sounds like you could use a little pharmaceutical support right now too. That is OK.
I personally needed antianxiety medications to help me through it. I couldn't eat or sleep. When I didn't get sleep I found it was about a zillion times harder to emotions in check, and not become a blubbering mess. The ativan helped me sleep, and it helped with the panic attacks, when the what if cycle know What if he is cheating, what if he gets a disease, what if I can't leave, what if I give him another chance, what if what if what if....It was unhealthy, and crazymaking.

It is time to put you and your kiddos first. You first, then the kids. Just like on a plane, you apply your oxygen mask first, then the kids. You are no good to them if you can't function. It was them that gave me the strength to keep getting up everyday, and going to work. I needed to be able to care for them.

((((and strength)))))

Jesss posted 9/5/2013 15:24 PM

Thank you. I know you're right. I will get the tests. What do I even say? Can't believe I'm having to think about this.
I couldn't help it, he called me today to say hi and that he loves and misses me. I said "then why are you inviting strangers to your room for sex" (he exchanges pics with ppl from the town he is currently in). He said " what are you talking about" and hung up eventually. I didn't reveal my source. But I don't want to spend everyday checking keylogger, maybe he'll find another way to do what he does now and I don't have to see any more updates. I will still try to talk to him as someone else, incase I ever start feeling like maybe he didn't have physical sex, so I can know for sure. But right now, like you guys said, I need to take care of me and my children, not spy on my dirtbag husband.

I just wish who he pretended to be was real. I loved his and trusted him so much. We been having problems for about three years, but when we were all together as a family doing anything, it'd always be a blast... For me and my children anyway... I hope one day he realizes what he gave up. I don't want to forgive him, he's not even sorry, but if he ever is, it doesn't matter. I'm done. I hope I can stay strong. What do you all do to stay strong? Not fall back into their lies?

1Faith posted 9/5/2013 15:28 PM

If we can help you with anything, let it be this....NONE of this is your fault.

None of it. If you carry any guilt, if you question WHY your WH has damaged your family so horribly, please believe that all the reasons belong to HIM.

This was my mantra: Hold my head up. Be strong. I did nothing wrong!

If he is blame shifting, he is not truly remorseful. He must own his mistakes and poor choices. For you to begin to heal from trauma of this magnitude, your WH will need to find a way to allow you to speak of your pain. I can't imagine reconciliation after infidelity without MC, but some here have managed it.

In your case, IC for you would be very helpful.

I don't want to offer too much for now. I just want you to know that this is a very safe place for you to come and begin to heal yourself.

This is such a long road. The support you find from the members of this forum will make the journey smoother...not easy, by any means...but you'll never travel alone.

Take care of you. You can't control the behavior or choices or your WH, but you can control how you react to them.

Do what's best for YOU.

Write here often. Lots of wonderfully compassionate and very smart folks here.

Ask questions or just vent. It helps.

Many hugs and healthy thoughts.

You will come out the other side one way or another but you will. Have faith.

1Faith posted 9/5/2013 15:30 PM

PS - Look up the 180 to stay strong...

It is for YOU not for HIM and not for your marriage but for YOU.

Good luck.


kansas1968 posted 9/5/2013 16:21 PM

Well, I would take a deep breath, gather all of the evidence you have, probably want to print it out or move to a CD, and continue to gather. See an attorney just to see what your options are financially if you leave. Right now you are OK, even though you are in an incredible amount of pain. I guess the bottom line is, you have to put yourself and your kids welfare ahead of your pain, at least for right now.

You need to think about who goes, who stays, where would you go, how would you survive financially. If you can figure that out, it will give you the strength to really confront him.

Then confront him with all of the evidence, tell him you have seen an attorney, and start the 180 until he comes around.

Then it is counselling and talking, and reconnecting, if that is possible.

So sorry you have to go through this with small children. Very scary but you will get much support and advice here. Hugs.

hathnofury posted 9/5/2013 22:17 PM

(((Jesss))) I am so sorry you have to be here.

There is a resource thread for those who have spouses into anonymous encounters here:

that addresses items that are particular to this flavor of infidelity. Please add it to the posts you need to read.

Be gentle with yourself, and make yourself the priority now. Not him, or "catching" him. Now that he knows you are onto him, he's likely going underground or quitting temporarily until he can convince you he's not doing what he's really doing. You already know what you need to know. Focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself. The post above is one of many that will help you do that.

erzulie posted 9/5/2013 22:22 PM

I know how you feel. This is my first experience with something like "Ashley". Imagine the chagrin to learn that there are hundreds - HUNDREDS - of women right in my zip code, who are advertising themselves on this website for "elicit, discreet encounters"?!?

What kind of world do we live in? Who are these people? Do I pass them as I walk down the street, check out at the store?

I'm still reeling from shock. I think the bright side of that shock, is just the realization - one we can cling to - that we are not cut from a cloth that could participate in these kinds of things.

Small consolation though ...

Jesss posted 9/6/2013 00:10 AM

Thank you, thank you, thank you... For any and all replies. Not only is it helpful, valuable information, but it really is comforting. I am not going to tell anyone about this. My sister and I got into a huge fight after the first time I caught him because she thought I was being naive to believe it was his first and last time. Turns out she was right. But I don't know... This disgusting man will always be a part of my life, I don't want the father of my children to be known to be whatever it is he is.
So I saw him on the keylogger asking around how to delete keylogger cuz he thinks his gf put it on lol. Made me smile. idiot! I wish he would have just admit everything and begged for forgiveness... At least then I'd know he might be human. I have spent all these years with a complete stranger.

Jesss posted 9/6/2013 00:14 AM

Erzulie, I know right?! What kind of people can do something like that!

My husband used to always say how easy it would be for him to cheat on me, since he works out of town. I didn't care because I "Knew" that he would never even think of actually doing such a thing.

Jesss posted 9/11/2013 22:02 PM

Made new thread.

[This message edited by Jesss at 11:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

EasyDoesIt posted 9/11/2013 22:16 PM

Well, damn. First you need to protect yourself and the kids. Plan A (happily ever after) is not working. You need a Plan B and a Plan C at the very minimum.

DO NOT confront and give an ultimatum unless you're ready to follow through. Before you confront you need to have an exit strategy. Start thinking. Even if all you do is stow away your birth certificate and the last three years tax records, it's a start. It'll help you feel like you're doing SOMETHING. Sometimes that will cause your brain to kick into gear and come up with other ideas. I don't have anything else right now, but I'm sure you have resources that you haven't considered yet. Is there anything you can sell to stash cash? Can you cut back on groceries at all? Anything is a start. Trust me, anything is a start.

Jesss posted 9/11/2013 23:39 PM

Thanks easydoesit. There have been some updates... I wasn't as smart as I hoped to be :(.
I will make a new thread for my new question.

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