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Plans for anti-dday anniversary

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mrmarx posted 9/5/2013 03:42 AM

So I am in the midst of planning for four dday anniversaries. I've decided that I am going to plan them as celebrations of from where we were then to where we are now. If my wife states fuck you I don't want to celebrate anything, I am definately okay with that too. But it's generally in her nature to want to celebrate things instead of mourn.

So I would very much appreciate your opinions, however in advance my job is not up for debate whatsoever.

DDay one (which is where I am at for planning right now)

1. problem is we will be in a massive trigger zone for that day, essentially mimicking events from the year before, just one day earlier due to my work.

So: I am going to get a relative of mine who she really likes to come to the event to keep her company.

Am going to take her out to this chocolate place she likes

going to give her massage

going to take her to buy a dress (trust me this is the most terribly boring thing for me, she goes to about 15-20 shops, very picky)

going to run her a bubble bath

going to put sticky notes about the things I love about her in the shape of a love heart on the wall

going to get her cheeses and orange juice for brekkie (she loves that)

going to take her out for korean bbq for dinner (her favourite dinner food)

going to buy her a book (she loves books)

Does this seem wrong for a dday anniversary? Am I overcompensating/ not doing enough/ not validating her feelings/ not being respectful of what a dday anniversary is?

[This message edited by mrmarx at 3:44 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 9/5/2013 06:11 AM

Make sure you discuss this plan with her beforehand. On our antiversaries, I wanted him to acknowledge it, but there was no way in hell I was going to celebrate the day(s) he broke my heart.

Tread lightly.

mrmarx posted 9/5/2013 07:00 AM

Thanks Lucky2haveme,

I did ask my wife what she would want and she said "don't stress over it" and "if you have something planned that's okay, I would rather it be a surprise"

But I want it to be a good surprise, one that acknowledges her feelings. I know that day is going to be really hard for her due to it being a massive massive 'trigger' for her.

If it's okay to ask, how would you like your dday aniversary acknowledged? Through a letter? I'm just at a loss, also if I tell her the plans it will ruin the surprise, and she loves surprises.

Kelany posted 9/5/2013 07:15 AM

*I* personally would never want to have any sort of "celebration" reminders of DDay. Yes, I'm all about reclaiming things, but that...just too much for me.

I would appreciate acknowledgement. A letter would be awesome for me personally. I do like the idea of the sticky notes all over. And, lots of I'm sorry's.

I have technically 3 DDays. All in the month of July, 1 year apart. DDay3 falls on our youngest son's birthday (sucks right?) so I focus on that. We do have another way to focus on it now too, as it's my husband's sobriety date for sex addiction. However, still, I wouldn't want to celebrate the day away.

But then We didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary for the past two years because it fell right after my DDay's. I didn't even want to acknowledge the days.

TrulySad posted 9/5/2013 08:19 AM

For me, DD isn't a day to celebrate. They are anniversaries of days that literally broke my heart and life apart.

What would mean the most to me is seeing the understanding in his eyes. I'd want him to tread carefully that day because I don't know where my emotions would be. A simple quiet time, spent holding each other, nothing entertaining, but more just silently reflecting on what has happened.

I haven't reached this point yet, but hopefully my WBF and I will get to a day where we can say...this was a perfect day. No pain. No triggers. Just us and how incredible it feels to be "us". Now that day, that's a day I'd celebrate with all the things you wrote about, and then some.

tired girl posted 9/5/2013 08:43 AM

What are her LL's?

ETA: With this being her first, it can be touchy. You don't want to seem like you are celebrating it, or ignoring it. Very fine line and difficult for you. Talk to her.

[This message edited by tired girl at 8:44 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

mrmarx posted 9/5/2013 08:50 AM

ETA: Thanks tired girl, her love languages are gifts and words of affirmation

So I sat wifey down and said I really wanted to talk to her about the day. I told her all of my plans and said that I didn't want it to be a nasty suprise

She was really happy about it and gave me a huge hug. She said that she may get upset during the day especially due to the work commitment being a huge trigger and that the plans may need to change because of that.

I said I completely understood but I feel really great that we will be able to do something together. She also recommended going to have a bbq at a park where I spoke to main slut. To reclaim that spot.

So excited, I feel awful about this dday the most than all the others. In a way the infidelity doesn't hurt as much as this other thing I did to my wife. So I'm really scared.

Weirdly enough I think wifey will be less upset than me about the day. From everything she said! So I will need to make sure I don't retreat into my shell or anything like that.

She said she doesn't want a letter, which I guess is strange, she said that she wouldn't be able to handle that. That it would be too painful.

Maybe I'll write one anyway and if she does get really angry and upset I can let her know I have written one and if she would like it she could have it?

I'm so nervous about this day.

[This message edited by mrmarx at 8:51 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

DecimatedHeart posted 9/5/2013 08:50 AM

I, personally, think it is a great idea. You are focusing on 'pampering' activities more so than 'celebrating' activities, where the goal seems to be making her feel loved and appreciated. On our antiversary, the last thing I want to do is sit around crying and feeling sorry for myself. I want to embrace healing and joy and progress. Or better yet, be so distracted by a wonderful day together that the fact that it's an antiversary doesn't even enter my mind. I'm Irish -- when someone dies, we mourn, but we throw them a party. This is similar to me. But everyone is different - you know your wife best.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 8:50 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 10:58 AM


I am glad that you sat her down and talked about it before it just happened. This way she understood your meaning behind the things you chose. Projecting your own feelings into your surroundings is a big way to have misconceptions. It also allows for your wife to not be surprised on a day that held so many nasty sunrises for her.

Next week is our 25th anniversary. We are celebrating it this weekend with a night in the mountains at our very favourite spot . Hubby gave me the evening away for valentines day and we both decided to use it for our anniversary. The place we are going to is secluded, made up of one main lodge and small private luxury cabins. A gourmet meal with wine pairings is included. Wood burning fireplaces, big feather tick comforters no phones, tv's or cell phone coverage.

I have mentioned to hubby many times in the last month I have been very apprehensive about our anniversary. It is one day before our 1 year Dday....last year my anniversary card actually said Happy Birthday and neither of us discovered this until a week after Dday......oh how messed up we were! So I told hubby I wanted to just enjoy the day, exchange visions of our next 25 years....set some new goals. He actually took it one step further and wanted to surprise me with a new wedding band(lost his after a shoulder surgery 2 years ago and he has been wearing mine ever since. He sat me down last night and said it wouldn't be ready until the 9th. He is making sure we enjoy ourselves this weekend and celebrate our huge accomplishment. To think we can actually celebrate this milestone in full R is a dream come true.


mrmarx posted 9/6/2013 21:01 PM

Thanks for all of your replies. I know I said I didn't want an argument about my work but I thought I would update you all on the fact that I have been able to swap around some work commitments for DDAY. I will still be going to work on the anniversary, but under a different scope. So I've literally swapped things around.

The downside is that it has made quite a few people who rely on me get a bit annoyed. But nothing I can't handle. Will probably buy them some beers or something.

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