One more, I wrote this yesterday, taking some from what I wrote in a post from Recon. I definitely know I struggled with this.
When infidelity hits your marriage, so many facets of your life are affected. I don’t think there is a corner it hasn’t reached to be honest. One that I know every betrayed spouse struggles with, probably the most??? Sexuality. Let’s face it, it takes such a huge hit.
Suddenly we wonder in the beginning especially, am I no longer attractive? Do I suck in bed? Are my breasts not perky enough? Is my belly too flabby after having five children? Were his affair partners better in bed than I am? Did they do things for him that I don’t? Are they more exciting than I am? What is it about me that he doesn’t like anymore?
Let’s also not forget about those lovely “mind movies” that plague us, both in and out of bed. Sex for many months was difficult for me, because in my own mind? His affair partners were in bed with us too. I couldn’t get them out of my head. I’d wonder to myself, did he do this with them? Did he touch them like that? Did he make this noise? Did he caress them the same way? Did he kiss them like he kisses me? Did he ask them to do special things for him? Did he do special things for them? I couldn’t make them go away and it made it very difficult for me to stay in the moment with Jake. There were times that I even had to stop what we were doing. I’d have to tell him, I just can’t, because “they” are here.
Then came the time where I felt I had to “reclaim” him. Make him mine again. I wanted to PROVE to my husband that I was better than they were. Then I wanted to take it further and basically rock his world so much he would never even THINK of having sex with another woman again. Except, I was trying to be someone who I wasn’t. He knew it too. He just wanted ME.
I struggled for a very long time with sex. I mean, you all know, 4 affair partners, one long-term one for over 2 years that would give him sex if he just looked in her direction. Add in the fact that he’s looked at more porn than a 20 seventeen year old boys. I’ve had a lot of things happen to me with my health and had two abdominal surgeries within 4 years and my stomach looks like a road map. I nursed five children for a LONG time. My breasts…well…they don’t hang the way they used to.
Yet through it all, my husband kept telling me that I was beautiful and sexy. I didn’t believe him, I kept thinking “He’s just saying that” to me because he has to. I couldn’t believe that after all of those affairs and sex with other women, that he still found me attractive and still wanted to be with ME. I’ve made several posts about my struggles.
For a long time I felt that I was no longer special to him sexually. What we shared was no longer ours.
I think I’m in a good place now however. I’ve gotten to a place where I’ve begun to take back my sexuality. I’ve been able to reclaim this part of my life, and I’ve been able to reclaim it with gusto and I feel better about myself than I did before I found out about his affairs. Honestly, this is why I asked for so many details. So I could dispel the “passionate sex life” that I envisioned they had.
Plain and simple? They didn’t have that passion I thought they did. Not even close.
Did he enjoy it? Of course. He enjoyed it because it was sex and he was all about him getting off. He enjoyed it because of the secrecy and the risk he was taking, it was his high. He loved that they wanted him, he loved that he could grope a breast or an ass and suddenly AP#2 was naked and spreading her legs with invitation. AP#1 practically begged for the attention and sex, she’s beyond broken herself.
But passion??? Absolutely none.
They had awkward sex on a desk, or on an office chair and sometimes on a couch at AP#2's home. There were three positions he ever had sex with them in (and at the time he complained about our monotony? ROFL). I know that there were times he went soft. I know there were a lot of times he could not finish through sex and he had to finish himself off. I know they didn’t kiss very often because there was no intimate connection between them, it was JUST SEX. He continued to go back because they were EASY. With AP#2 he could just unzip his pants and she was down on her knees. He had no respect for her at all.
With us? We have had passion. He has made me cry during sex due to sheer intimacy. When we have sex, we try to please EACH OTHER instead of him just trying to get himself off. We look at each other in the eye, we talk to each other. He has never gone limp on me. He doesn’t finish and then hurry me away because he feels shame and guilt over what he’s just done.
I asked for details because it was far worse than what I’d imagined myself. And now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what we do share sexually is special. What he had with them, meant nothing. I know he never really tried to please them specifically. He never made effort to ensure they got theirs. He does with me. There are times I can’t (meds) but he tries his best. He won’t allow himself to finish until I do. There are times that we have sex that he won’t finish at all because he just wants to please me.
I no longer have mind movies. Those women are not in our bedroom anymore, not even in my mind. When we are making love (something he never did with them) it is he and I focusing completely on each other.
I’m building my confidence back. I believe him now when he says I’m beautiful and sexy. I believe him when he says he only wants to be with me. I no longer hide my naked body from him because to HIM, there is nothing more amazing in the world. My scars do not turn him away. My breasts, though not as perky as they once were, nursed our babies and he sees them as perfection. My stomach isn’t flat but it’s ME. The more emotionally healthy I get, the more emotional intimacy we have, the more communication we have, the better I get with my sexuality. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am with my body and in the bedroom. If I think about it, I’m pretty awesome, and he gets to reap those benefits!
