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Words vs Action Question

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1bigidiot79 posted 9/5/2013 08:24 AM

I'm new here and just beginning my process of trying to atone for my mistakes with my BS. I keep reading statements like words are one thing but let him show some action. My question is what exactly would a BS be looking for? Here is what I have and am currently doing: (I didn't have a PA, I was viewing pornography and lied about it)

-Put filters on all computers and devices
-Came completely clean, told her everything
-Read the book how to heal after an affair and am trying to follow it religously
-profusely apologized repeatedly
-will begin IC shortly and have told her so. Tried to get her to go to MC
-Written her letters to assure her that I am committed to R
-Told her she can look at anything I have, being completely transparent
-Checking on her every day and continually reassuring her of my love for her

Obviously I want to do anything and everything I can to make this better for her. Is there anything that I'm not doing that I could be doing, something I've missed?

atsenaotie posted 9/5/2013 09:19 AM


You really should ask your BS what she is looking for, as it varies from person to person.

As for atonement, I see the items you listed as good steps to help your BS feel safe staying with you while you work out your issues, but I do not see them as atonement.

I suspect that your BS feels that your use of pornography stole time from her and the M. Have you sacrificed time for any of your things to take some load off of her? Doing more household chores than normal? Cutting back on spending for your hobbies and activities to provide additional money for her to use for fun? What is her love language, and what are you doing consistently to speak that language? Have you voluntarily moved from a smartphone to a text only phone? Are you working on yourself physically (exercise, diet, reduce smoking or drinking, updated wardrobe) to be more attractive to your BS? Do you notice a specific thing each day to complement your BS on, and let her know that she is important to you?
Do you complement her in front of your family and friends and tell them how fortunate you are that she is your W?

So there are some suggestions. My FWW has been good at the not having anymore A part, and bad at the atoning for her A and stepping up as a spouse. I can tell you that just not having an A anymore is not enough. It is a start, but not a M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:19 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

confused615 posted 9/5/2013 10:28 AM

I need to ask your BW.

One word of advice..stop calling what you did a "mistake." It was not a mistake. You made a conscious choice,over and over again,to do what you did. Calling it a "mistake" sort of minimizes the actions. Own it.

PamJ posted 9/5/2013 11:11 AM

What you are doing sounds right, but 'actions' are sometimes NON actions- like NOT doing what you were doing before, so , if she checks every day and you did NOT look at porn or hide anything, THAT will be an action she can notice . After she does this for a while, and it will be a LONG while, THEN she will start to trust you again. Start.

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