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Just confronted xAPs BW.

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Alyssamd24 posted 9/5/2013 12:36 PM

I sent XAPs BW a text a couple hours ago because I didn't believe that he had told her the truth and wanted her to know. I also wanted to apologize again and let her know that if both our children stay at the school I will stay out of their way.

She responded at 1:00 saying this was the first text she had received from me. After texting back and forth she called me.

I explained to her that I thought xap had told her everything and then told her my side of the story. She was understandably upset and angry with me and told me to stay away from her and her family, which I said I would do.

I don't know what to think now. I am shaken by the conversation and feel awful for ruining their lives. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. Should I have just let it go?

TimeToManUp posted 9/5/2013 12:43 PM

You definitely did the right thing.

HFSSC posted 9/5/2013 12:45 PM

Alyssa, fwiw, I think you did the right thing. She now has the information that she needs. Now, do the next right thing and respect her request for NC, and continue to work toward healing and fixing yourself and your stuff.

Please also be prepared for her to call/email/text with some anger. Even though I didn't want OW to contact us, it was very difficult for me to stop texting abuse at her. Not saying it was right for me to do that, but it's how I reacted.

If she calls or texts, just say again that you are sorry and get off the phone as quickly as you can. Please don't ever try to justify or explain yourself.

I am proud of you for doing this.

caspers1wish posted 9/5/2013 12:46 PM

She had a right to know, and you were advised in an earlier thread the right thing to do was tell her. Focus on you now and maintain NC, and it just goes to show what a total liar your xAP is.

Kelany posted 9/5/2013 12:49 PM

You did the right thing. He intercepted your other text.

Of course she's angry, she has every right to be. She's certainly not going to thank you for the information. However, she deserved to know and if he wasn't going to tell her, someone needed to.

Now? Leave them be. Do *not* contact them again. NC, NC, NC.

MissesJai posted 9/5/2013 12:54 PM

you did the right thing. Now let it go and move forward with your healing. Good job.

JustDesserts posted 9/5/2013 13:45 PM

I...feel awful for ruining their lives.


You were in the process of ruining YOUR life, and YOUR spouse's life. That is reality. And that is what you should feel awful for, difficult though that may be, at this juncture where fantasy (your affair) life transitions...harshly and cold turkey...back to reality (your marriage) life.

Your xAP is the one who needs to feel awful for ruining "their" lives...they are HIS betrayed wife and HIS child. He lied and cheated on them.

And you gave his wife and child something they haven't had since your affair with xAP started: the truth.


[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

badchoice posted 9/5/2013 14:54 PM

you did the right thing. Now let it go and move forward with your healing.

This ^^

I know that I have sometimes thought about the ramifications to my APs' family, and it really does not do any good. I found that it put my focus in the wrong place.

It is ok to feel, but do not take on the responsibility, it will only distract you from the work you need to do.

It is out of your control, you did the right thing.

Good luck to you and your family.

TxsT posted 9/5/2013 17:34 PM

I think your gesture was wonderful. At least the OS has comfort in knowing you feel your behaviour was wrong. Imagine in my case when I received text after text from the AP stating that she loved my husband completely, missed him horribly and wanted her very best friend back????

I will never be able to let my guard down for this woman!!!!


Alyssamd24 posted 9/5/2013 20:17 PM

I do know that I did the right thing, even if she doesn't realize it right now. I have no plans to contact her or xap ever again and am going to focus only on my marriage and rebuilding my relationship with my BH.

stupidgurl posted 9/5/2013 22:39 PM

You actually helped her out. She knows now what her WH did, she knows you are done with AP and are going to stay away, one hard thing for BS's that I see from their posts is that they want to know for sure the A is over. She has the reassurance due to you telling her you want nothing to do with him,

but more important

YOUR BH has the reassurance that you are done with AP. You should have done this a long time ago, but woulda, shoulda, coulda....

Now your own BH has proof that you are no longer involved with AP, now you need to:

change your number
change your email address and cancel any email you used with AP
change jobs/schools if possible, unless they decide to switch
and in general cut off any ties that you had to AP

have you read After the Affair, it gives good advice on moving forward.

You can't undo what you did, but you can control what you do from now on

NewWorldMan posted 9/6/2013 00:46 AM

You absolutely did the right thing. In doing so, you've pretty much squashed the fantasy. It can never be what it was. There is no more entertaining the thoughts of "what if".

Looking back, I wish I had done the same. My ex-AP's BH has no clue about what his wife was up to. And as a result, I went back to her multiple times after breaking it off. I was addicted for sure, and prolonged the agony.

You can now free yourself of the thoughts and fantasies. You can now move forward to a better and honest life.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/6/2013 06:21 AM

My BH is looking into getting my number changed or at least blocking their numbers. My Facebook account is gone, and my BH has all info for my email addresses. I also downloaded a key logger app for my cellphone yesterday and attempted to download one for our laptop also. Now I just need to do one for my kindle, but when I looked yesterday didn't find any apps.

I have a meeting with my boss today to discuss everything. It will be the first time I have seen her face to face since this all started, and although I'm nervous I am looking forward to it cuz I can finally tell her everything and then be done with it.

I am also super excited to say that I have found a new job!!! I just have to shadow one of the staff once or twice and then they will offer me the position officially!!!

My BH and I have decided that no matter what the outcome is for our daughter staying at this school, we are going to pull her from the program and send her to a new preschool. The only way we will not pull her is if xap and his child leave the center we are at now.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/6/2013 06:38 AM


May be a tough day today, but you did the right thing. Now you can really get to work on serious R and self-examination.

Congrats on the new job, wow!

Kelany posted 9/6/2013 07:38 AM

THIS is what your BH needed from you. Your actions, following through, the lies to stop, and TRUE NC.

THIS is the start of real healing and reconciliation. You'll still be on the roller coaster for awhile, but you're on the right path.

Congrats on the job.

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 10:47 AM


Can you be my WS???? Lol. I agree that you have taken a huge step in correcting your behaviour and your wonderful for both of you.

Of only more WS could just get it like you did there would be a lot less D and a lot more R in the world.


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