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Newest Member: MistersMommy (46014)

User Topic: Just confronted xAPs BW.
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent XAPs BW a text a couple hours ago because I didn't believe that he had told her the truth and wanted her to know. I also wanted to apologize again and let her know that if both our children stay at the school I will stay out of their way.

She responded at 1:00 saying this was the first text she had received from me. After texting back and forth she called me.

I explained to her that I thought xap had told her everything and then told her my side of the story. She was understandably upset and angry with me and told me to stay away from her and her family, which I said I would do.

I don't know what to think now. I am shaken by the conversation and feel awful for ruining their lives. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. Should I have just let it go?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
TimeToManUp
♂ 37538
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You definitely did the right thing.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
HFSSC
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa, fwiw, I think you did the right thing. She now has the information that she needs. Now, do the next right thing and respect her request for NC, and continue to work toward healing and fixing yourself and your stuff.

Please also be prepared for her to call/email/text with some anger. Even though I didn't want OW to contact us, it was very difficult for me to stop texting abuse at her. Not saying it was right for me to do that, but it's how I reacted.

If she calls or texts, just say again that you are sorry and get off the phone as quickly as you can. Please don't ever try to justify or explain yourself.

I am proud of you for doing this.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2934 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
caspers1wish
♀ 28720
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She had a right to know, and you were advised in an earlier thread the right thing to do was tell her. Focus on you now and maintain NC, and it just goes to show what a total liar your xAP is.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 813 | Registered: Jun 2010
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing. He intercepted your other text.

Of course she's angry, she has every right to be. She's certainly not going to thank you for the information. However, she deserved to know and if he wasn't going to tell her, someone needed to.

Now? Leave them be. Do *not* contact them again. NC, NC, NC.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you did the right thing. Now let it go and move forward with your healing. Good job.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I...feel awful for ruining their lives.

Alyssa:

You were in the process of ruining YOUR life, and YOUR spouse's life. That is reality. And that is what you should feel awful for, difficult though that may be, at this juncture where fantasy (your affair) life transitions...harshly and cold turkey...back to reality (your marriage) life.

Your xAP is the one who needs to feel awful for ruining "their" lives...they are HIS betrayed wife and HIS child. He lied and cheated on them.

And you gave his wife and child something they haven't had since your affair with xAP started: the truth.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you did the right thing. Now let it go and move forward with your healing.

This ^^

I know that I have sometimes thought about the ramifications to my APs' family, and it really does not do any good. I found that it put my focus in the wrong place.

It is ok to feel, but do not take on the responsibility, it will only distract you from the work you need to do.

It is out of your control, you did the right thing.

Good luck to you and your family.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your gesture was wonderful. At least the OS has comfort in knowing you feel your behaviour was wrong. Imagine in my case when I received text after text from the AP stating that she loved my husband completely, missed him horribly and wanted her very best friend back????

I will never be able to let my guard down for this woman!!!!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know that I did the right thing, even if she doesn't realize it right now. I have no plans to contact her or xap ever again and am going to focus only on my marriage and rebuilding my relationship with my BH.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
stupidgurl
♀ 36763
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You actually helped her out. She knows now what her WH did, she knows you are done with AP and are going to stay away, one hard thing for BS's that I see from their posts is that they want to know for sure the A is over. She has the reassurance due to you telling her you want nothing to do with him,

but more important

YOUR BH has the reassurance that you are done with AP. You should have done this a long time ago, but woulda, shoulda, coulda....

Now your own BH has proof that you are no longer involved with AP, now you need to:

change your number
change your email address and cancel any email you used with AP
change jobs/schools if possible, unless they decide to switch
and in general cut off any ties that you had to AP

have you read After the Affair, it gives good advice on moving forward.

You can't undo what you did, but you can control what you do from now on


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!

R'd


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2012
NewWorldMan
♂ 33607
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely did the right thing. In doing so, you've pretty much squashed the fantasy. It can never be what it was. There is no more entertaining the thoughts of "what if".

Looking back, I wish I had done the same. My ex-AP's BH has no clue about what his wife was up to. And as a result, I went back to her multiple times after breaking it off. I was addicted for sure, and prolonged the agony.

You can now free yourself of the thoughts and fantasies. You can now move forward to a better and honest life.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2011
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH is looking into getting my number changed or at least blocking their numbers. My Facebook account is gone, and my BH has all info for my email addresses. I also downloaded a key logger app for my cellphone yesterday and attempted to download one for our laptop also. Now I just need to do one for my kindle, but when I looked yesterday didn't find any apps.

I have a meeting with my boss today to discuss everything. It will be the first time I have seen her face to face since this all started, and although I'm nervous I am looking forward to it cuz I can finally tell her everything and then be done with it.

I am also super excited to say that I have found a new job!!! I just have to shadow one of the staff once or twice and then they will offer me the position officially!!!

My BH and I have decided that no matter what the outcome is for our daughter staying at this school, we are going to pull her from the program and send her to a new preschool. The only way we will not pull her is if xap and his child leave the center we are at now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Alyssa))

May be a tough day today, but you did the right thing. Now you can really get to work on serious R and self-examination.

Congrats on the new job, wow!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS is what your BH needed from you. Your actions, following through, the lies to stop, and TRUE NC.

THIS is the start of real healing and reconciliation. You'll still be on the roller coaster for awhile, but you're on the right path.

Congrats on the job.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd....

Can you be my WS???? Lol. I agree that you have taken a huge step in correcting your behaviour and your marriage....how wonderful for both of you.

Of only more WS could just get it like you did there would be a lot less D and a lot more R in the world.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 16

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