Thank you for the welcome. I can't imagine life not worrying about FWH flaking out on me, messing up our life, and me scrambling to put my life back together again. It has always been all about him. I'm tired of following him around like a puppy dog, even if he is dragging me through the mud.
I talked with our DD's 11, 13, 16 and told them I L their dad, but that I am tired of his lack of honesty which causes me to be constantly anxious and upset. I told them I have given up on his changing, and that I will D him eventually, but I don't want to blow up their lives, so I am considering waiting until they are able to live on their own.
I asked them if their lives would be better
1. If I don't D their dad while they live at home, they have to put up with the fighting, but everything else remains the same.
2. I D their dad now, they don't have to hear us fight ever again, and everything else changes in their lives.
They said they don't want their lives to change, and that they can put up with the arguing. They said it isn't that bad. They each said they get sad, anxious and angry when we argue. One daughter said she just thinks, "There they go again." It isn't every day, and said they can keep going to another part of the house to get away from it. They usually end up in one of their bedrooms, together whenever FWH and I argue. Our home is pretty large, so it is easy for them to get away from us.
I thanked them for their honesty. I told them the can come to me any time and talk about their feelings. My youngest later told me she didn't want her life "blown up." She wants things to stay the same.
I emailed FWH that I am done. He emailed me of the "work" he is doing on himself, and new things he is evaluating concerning his parent's D when he was a little boy.
He also said that when I don't attack him, he "avoids" less. I emailed him back that he came into our M an avoider, and I recognized his attempt to blame me for his avoidance trait. Nice try.
Whatever. I'm off the yo-yo. If I get excited about his progress, he'll just stop working on himself again. He only perks up when I'm giving up. His personal work is not ever stemming from his own need to fix himself. It is just reflexive to throw me a bone so I'll stay and put up with his avoidance crap.