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HurtButHopeful? posted 9/5/2013 13:28 PM

Do I have to be legally getting Divorced or Separated to post here?

I do not want to D right away, and blow up my children's lives. I am choosing to live with secret keeping, emotionally stunted husband until the children are growing up, unless I just can't stand seeing him everyday anymore.

Here is a link to my last post on R that led to my deciding to emotionally D H.

I. Have. Given. Up. Hope. For. Our. Marriage.

newlysingle posted 9/5/2013 13:36 PM

Of course you can be here. You need to do what feels right for you in your own time, so there is no pressure. However, I think you'll learn over time being here, that getting a D does not necessarily mean that you will be destroying your children's lives. Kids are smart and they know when things aren't right. Sometimes, choosing to not be in an unhealthy relationship can be the best thing for them.

I'm almost D from my STBX. I can tell you that for me emotionally, it has been the best thing. I'm learning to let go of the anger and really enjoy my life again. While the situation is not ideal, my kids are okay. They spend time at his house and even with OW. It makes me sick, but she is nice to them. My dd really likes going over there. It's a hard lesson, but I've learned to take it for what it is. I've learned by staying with him and living full of resent and anger would have been worse for her.

Feel free to stick around, get advice and read what we're all going through. Only you know what is best for you, but I just didn't want you to think that D was the end of the world either. It is often a new and wonderful beginning.

nowiknow23 posted 9/5/2013 14:22 PM

Hurt - of course you can post here! I am so sorry for where things have ended up with him.

Are you thinking of making an exit plan? Even if you can't or won't D right now, it may be helpful to you to start planning for that eventuality. Start collecting documentation that you will eventually need. Start thinking about what decisions will need to be made during the actual D. Some food for thought:

- What assets do you two hold? How are they held?
- What debts do you two have? How are they listed?

- Think about insurance policies, investments, retirement accounts, real property, household property, etc.

- Consider the point at which you feel you'll be able to D. What pieces need to be in place before that can happen? Kids turn 18? Kids out of the house? Kids out of college? What are your hurdles? Be specific about them.

Phoenix1 posted 9/5/2013 14:44 PM

This^^^, what NIK said.

I did the same thing you are doing now - stuck around with the lies and secrecy until the kids were older. My plan was to wait until all were graduated from high school. I fell short by two years because of yet another D-Day and OC and I simply reached my limit. During those years of private hell, I thought long and hard about my exit plan, as NIK suggested. I gathered information, thought about the point of actual D, gathered evidence against him, and thought about my financial future with him gone. Even though the D came earlier than I had originally planned, my planning paid off and I was in a much better place all around when it happened. The final D-Day triggered a new round of emotional pain that I had to work through, but I had already laid the groundwork so I wasn't scrambling legally through the pain at the same time. I am VERY glad I did the planning. If you want to PM me about this, please feel free.

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/5/2013 18:47 PM

Thank you for the welcome. I can't imagine life not worrying about FWH flaking out on me, messing up our life, and me scrambling to put my life back together again. It has always been all about him. I'm tired of following him around like a puppy dog, even if he is dragging me through the mud.

I talked with our DD's 11, 13, 16 and told them I L their dad, but that I am tired of his lack of honesty which causes me to be constantly anxious and upset. I told them I have given up on his changing, and that I will D him eventually, but I don't want to blow up their lives, so I am considering waiting until they are able to live on their own.

I asked them if their lives would be better

1. If I don't D their dad while they live at home, they have to put up with the fighting, but everything else remains the same.

or if

2. I D their dad now, they don't have to hear us fight ever again, and everything else changes in their lives.

They said they don't want their lives to change, and that they can put up with the arguing. They said it isn't that bad. They each said they get sad, anxious and angry when we argue. One daughter said she just thinks, "There they go again." It isn't every day, and said they can keep going to another part of the house to get away from it. They usually end up in one of their bedrooms, together whenever FWH and I argue. Our home is pretty large, so it is easy for them to get away from us.

I thanked them for their honesty. I told them the can come to me any time and talk about their feelings. My youngest later told me she didn't want her life "blown up." She wants things to stay the same.

I emailed FWH that I am done. He emailed me of the "work" he is doing on himself, and new things he is evaluating concerning his parent's D when he was a little boy.

He also said that when I don't attack him, he "avoids" less. I emailed him back that he came into our M an avoider, and I recognized his attempt to blame me for his avoidance trait. Nice try.

Whatever. I'm off the yo-yo. If I get excited about his progress, he'll just stop working on himself again. He only perks up when I'm giving up. His personal work is not ever stemming from his own need to fix himself. It is just reflexive to throw me a bone so I'll stay and put up with his avoidance crap.

I quit.

sunsetslost posted 9/5/2013 20:38 PM

Good for you. It's a hard decision to make. Don't let him rob you of any more of your life.

eyesrnowopen posted 9/5/2013 21:57 PM

For years I nicknamed my WH secret squirrel. He and his family never talk about or admitt to anything. I used to think it was,conflict avoidance but now I see it more as control, manipulation and just mean intimacy avoidance. The behavior is meant to be disrespectful and undermining. I knew I was ready to D when:

1. I love myself more than I love him.

2. I no longer care what he thinks about me. I value and respect myself. I don't need his validation.

3. The "Why" is no longer important. I don't need to spend endless hours trying to figure out why he does what he does. I came up with my own "why" and I don't need to try to make him " get it".

Now I have my life back! I can focus on me and my kid's needs. I choose to focus, value, respect and love myself too much to sacrifice the rest of my life for him. The kids (16,14) are much calmer and tell me that they have thier Mom back. They would never have chosen this or wanted change in their lives but are coping and thriving in our new situation. Even my son who still has a hard time, he said I'm paying more attention to him. ( 14 yo never want attention). So that's saying something. My kids still have a ways to go and need therapy. But, it was exhausting dealing with his secrets and mood swings. I'm happy to be moving on.

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