I am 32 years old and met my partner in June of 2010. There was an instant connection. He was easy to be around, made me laugh, was sensitive, intelligent, and fun. By September he had lost his job and was faced with having to move in with his parents in another part of the state. Since things were going so well and we were falling in love I offered to let him move in with me. We combined households and were living a good life while he looked for work. We had a couple of bumps in the road, mainly us having disagreements because he would lie about some minor, insignificant things - mainly how much something cost. Fast forward to 2012, thing were going great we had discussed marriage, had 4-legged kids and were enjoying life. He was working his dream job teaching high school. I was so proud and ecstatic that he was following his passion! In October 2012, I had a breakdown. I work in public service and as a result had some very traumatic experiences that led to a diagnosis of PTSD after I attempted suicide by drug overdose. I was having nightmares, panic attacks and resorted to using unhealthy coping to manage these issues. After my diagnosis and subsequent therapy, I was on the right track. Things were going good and I was dealing with the demons that I tried to avoid for so long. He committed to support me and stand by me during all of this. In the beginning of 2013 I started a job in which I traveled internationally for work sometimes being gone for a week. By mid-March he was forced to resign from his teaching position (due to extended illness secondary to mold in his classroom-another long story). At this time, mid-March 2013 I was preparing to go on another trip for work and he told me that a friend of a friend was going to come over while I was gone so that he could work on his resume. I encouraged this as my partner was feeling depressed at having to leave his job. I came home from said trip and he told me this guy came over and he did his resume. Then a few days later after having a couple of drinks he slipped up and said this OM had come to our home THREE times. When I inquired as to why, he said that OM was recently coming out of the closet and WS wanted to "be a good influence on how gay people should act". I became highly suspicious of this, asked if he had a crush on OM, etc and WS replied "no, he's ugly, just trying to be friends". WS had told me that this person worked in the hotel industry, so when I looked in WS's phone I saw OM's name but listed as a teacher at WS's previous school. The following months I'd asked WS repeatedly if he had an affair. WS continued to deny it and accused me that I "must feel guilty of something for making such accusations". Meanwhile, we tried to continue living our life together, he repeatedly told me he loved me and wanted to be only with me. In June, WS confessed that he had extreme anger issues over my PTSD and suicide attempt the previous year. WS wanted to separate, us go live with our parents while we worked on individual issues to make the relationship stronger. Once at the beginning of the separation he even asked "Do you still have our wedding rings?" and suggested we marry in NYC in August. A few days later we had a falling out and WS said that he didn't want to be with me. This led me to contacting suspected OM who confirmed that WS had PA/EA lasting about a week in around St Patrick's Day in March, in which he stayed the night in OUR BED. WS ended the the A. Just to add to it all, in late March (the 22nd, I think) WS viciously verbally berated his sister's boyfriend, resulting in a huge family fight. When I tried to figure it all out and help settle the tensions, WS sent me a text message "I'm taking Xanex and checking out". I often wonder if the cause of his fight and "Xanex" checking out was due to guilt for the A.
I have suggested trying to rebuild trust and friendship. He refused to speak or see me so our only way to communicate was by text and email. We would chat cordially but then it would degrade in to him calling me names, in which I tried to demonstrate my new found health, sobriety and commitment to doing good for myself and him. Again, these efforts were met by name calling, accusations and him actually denying his affair-again. It's like he is trying to rewrite history (and I think he believes it) to make me out to be some monster when I was supportive of him losing 2 jobs, always worked more than 1 job to support "US" and tried to give him whatever I could. He claims he stopped loving me after my PTSD diagnosis in October 2012.
I find myself thinking about him constantly. Wanting to rebuild love and trust with him, only to be met with hate, anger and nastiness and on a few occasions rebutted his mean acts with mean acts.
Listen. Why would you want him back? He betrayed you. He lied to you. He's tried to get you fired. He's insulted your mother. He scewed another man in your bed after you supported his fired ass. And all of this time, he's blamed you, berated you, and done nothing to own the shit-storm that he's caused. He's certainly has shown you exactly what and who he is you need to believe what his actions say.
I would urge you to very carefully examine exactly why you think that you want this man back in your life. You are young, no 2-legged children, unmarried - your best move may be to run as fast as possible. Because he's certainly shown you that he cannot be trusted to be alone while you're off working. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
What is confusing to me is, he had his affair in March (the only one I'm sure of) and in June, after our trial separation proposed a wedding date. Then I figured out all the juicy details and suddenly I was the psycho, manipulative liar when I uncovered his deceit.
You represent the mirror that shows him exactly what kind of person he is. It is to his benefit to turn it around to be your fault. That way he doesn't have to feel so bad about his actions. See? It is all about denial and justification. Once denial is no longer an option (you have proof) then justification has to be ramped up.
I can really relate to wanting to rebuild the relationship and hoping to find the man you know is there. I've done that for years now and just early this year gave up and walked away. For me the cheating was extremely painful but the lack of work to help me heal was what did the real damage. I didn't feel worthy, not only worthy of fidelity but worthy of true remorse, hard work and true commitment.
It has taken a long time to realize that these are his issues, not mine. He is broken and sick and doesn't have what it takes to repair what he broke. That is not a reflection on me at all. I think I felt that if I could somehow convince him - help him - to face his demons then he would turn into this healthy creature who would look at me and realize he couldn't live without me. Didn't happen.
It is a tough road to deal with infidelity while also grieving the end of the relationship. Keep reading and posting and you will find so much help here.
Big hugs to you.
I'm stuck remembering the beauty and kindness that is in him.
I felt that way about my ex for a long time as well. There were so many things that were simply amazing about her. They were certainly a part of who she was. There also so many dark, ugly parts of her. I chose to not focus on those when we were together and it took months of constant reflection for me to finally be able to see them. Just a bit more than a year later, I think the beautiful parts were a veneer and the ugly ones were who she was at the core. Maybe you'll realize that too as time progresses.
From what you described here, he doesn't sound like a narcissist. More like a sociopath. They use people until they feel like they've outlived their usefulness and then they discard them, often in an incredibly cruel manner. To those of us who have feelings and relate to people in a normal way, that is incredibly damaging.
If I were you, I'd focus on the reasons why you chose to be in a relationship with the dynamics you described. Why do you want to be with a project instead of a healthy, whole person? What do you get out of that? How does it effect you in the long run?
I don't know if you're into reading but if you are, I'd like to make a suggestion. You might find the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty helpful.
There is a healing library link on the right. It has a ton of helpful info.
This link goes to the Tactical Primer - since he is already moved out and you are separated it is probably more useful as a reference as to how you are not crazy, did not do anything wrong and these things are almost uniform:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
This link goes to the 180 in the BS FAQ:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
Hang in there man. You will be okay. You'll find a lot of help and support here. Make sure you are eating right, drinking enough water and sleeping enough. Taking care of yourself helps get through. Good luck.
eta:
Link is on the LEFT. Sorry. Not the right. Fucked pronouns, misdirected links, I just need one more brainfart for a daily trifecta.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 5:35 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]
Frankly, I think you deserve far more than a selfish jackass that hits the road just as soon as things get hard for you and he's no longer the center of attention and might actually have to pull his weight in the relationship. And then has the nerve to blame it on your illness. FTN.
As a Paramedic I think it's in my blood to help people with their problems, the hard part is realizing and accepting that he doesn't want my help, hell he doesn't want contact with me at all.
Until now, I never really looked at him as a project, I thought I was doing the things that couples do; being the strength to your partner's weakness and vice versa. When things were good, things were great. I truly felt that we complimented each other.
I've done some great work on myself with my IC, have found a spirituality that I had long lost and desperately tried to show the progress that I had made only to be met with doubt, hate and name calling. I just felt that I had something to prove not only to him, but myself.
I know that I may never be able to make sense of it all but have desperately tried to figure out why, to put a mental timeline together of everything that happened.
Truth is, he probably is sociopathic. His mother and aunt had warned me in March (after he took several Xanex to check out) that he uses people, never accepts responsibility for his actions and blames others. I listened but didn't want to believe, because after all this is the man I love and he was clearly suffering- I just didn't know why.
My messages are a bit of a ramble, I apologize, I'm having a hard time brining it from a thought and transferring it in to text - a bit overwhelmed.
You may never make sense of it or get any answers that make sense. You have to learn to be okay with that. You have to ACCEPT what happened and let go of the crazy-making urge to find sense and logic in a situation that is completely fucked up.
Also, I don't want to make myself sound totally innocent. When we conversed last and the conversation degraded I fell in to a self-fulfilling prophecy, and responded quite fiercely to his hateful, abusive name calling, incorrect accusations, etc. I just had enough and I broke, even though I had gone in to with the best of intentions.
He also thinks I'm trying to sabotage his relationship with his family. I was VERY close to his aunt and his father, and when all of this went down I reached out to the people who know him best for help. I tried to explain the situation and events as unbiased as possible. They were very supportive, helpful and provided me great insight.
I don't feel that my intentions in communicating with his family were an attempt to blackball my WS, I truly did want insight. Am I fooling myself by believing that my intentions were good?
I have done some things that weren't the nicest, like letting some of his family know about the A.
You two had built a life together, and he shattered it by having an A. You have every right to "out" his A to his family, friends, etc. Very common. Don't feel any guilt, or place any blame on yourself over this.
Reconciled
He claims he stopped loving me after my PTSD diagnosis in October 2012.
This is really sad, and probably very hard for you to realize.
I hope you can remember it if ever you are tempted to turn back to him.
I'm certainly not telling you what to decide, but this is very hard...to be betrayed during a personal crisis.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
In June, WS confessed that he had extreme anger issues over my PTSD and suicide attempt the previous year.
He refused to speak or see me so our only way to communicate was by text and email.
hell he doesn't want contact with me at all.
If he blameshiftaall the "fault" onto you and your PTSD, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for bringing OM into your bed.
It takes 2 committed people to make a relationship work; sadly, he is not committed.
((((Supermedic513))))
I put my super-sleuth skills to work and looked at cell phone/text message bills. I did an internet search of every number I didn't know or wasn't sure of, including plugging those numbers in to Facebook. One of the people I found that was on Facebook and also VERY OBVIOUSLY gay I got the nerve to send a message to this evening.
I just had a nice conversation with this OP tonight and he confirmed that they met on a gay cruising app for a quick "blow and go"...again at my home while I was out of town teaching. The biggest kick in the groin is the fact that this hookup occurred about a month to a month and a half after I got out of the hospital after my PTSD/suicide attempt. When I was trying to recover and needed my partner's strength, he was actively looking for sex with other people.
I just don't understand how people can act like this. When my partner was at his weakest, I got stronger. Yin/Yang, Give/Take kind of thing. When I needed him to be strong, he cheated. And lied to cover it up and then when caught, lied some more.
I just wonder if this has ruined me for other people. Is betrayal too much for me to ever trust anyone that I'm intimate (or want to be intimate) with? I have been surrounded by wonderful caring friends and family these last couple of months. They've done their best to help me, cheer me up, advise me but I feel quite alone in a room full of people now.
I thought my partner and I were better than the gay stereotype.
He only let you see a part of him that he thought you wanted to see, it wasn't the real him. The real him is the one you see now.
Once you realize that, as painful as it is, you will be able to move on.
This is not about you. Not about your love, not about your behavior, not about your weaknesses. This is about the kind of person he is; a user and a manipulator.
((hugs))
I think we all feel this way for while after D-day and it's aftermath. IC helps and time helps. What also helped me was my determination that X's behavior was not going to define the rest of my life. He took enough from me, and I wasn't going to let him take more. It took a long time to get there, but I made it. You will too. ((Supermedic))
