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Married to a Liar (first time post)

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coldheart34 posted 9/5/2013 14:50 PM

I don't even know where to begin because story is so long. I will condense as much as possible.

WH and I have been married for 7 years (together 10 years. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage that have been living with us full time since July 2007. We were married Sept 23rd 2006. We had normal ups and downs (mostly related to his ex-wife and the kids) but nothing I couldn't handle. When he got custody I was 27 and wasnt interested in being a mom yet.I had a job that required me to be on the road most of the week so I didn't think it would be that bad having the kids full time (or so I thought).
Fast forward to the present I had my first child in Feb 2012. This was the time my H started having a PA. There were no signs of anything being wrong(at least on my end). DDay was August 17th. I received a facebook message from OW wanting verification that I was married to H. I asked her why she wanted to know and she then proceeded to tell me that she has been in relationship with him for a couple of years. I looked at here name again on the thread and I recognized it as being the name that I saw on a text thread in his phone back in February of this year. The text thread they were talking about sex (she saying what she would do to him) when I confronted him he took the phone as if he was confused by what I was screaming about (he was actually deleting the conversation). I left him that night and he begged me to come home saying he would leave and stay in a hotel. He swore to me that it was just flirting and that he hadnt messed with anyone. I believed him against my better judgement. simply because I didnt have any proof. Now I know I was stupid to believe his lies. Throughout my convo with OW on the facebook messenger I realized she knew a lot of things about him and she even mentioned my daughter name. She said he told her that he adopted my daughter from his sister that didn't want her. she knew he had 3 kids from previous marriage and she knew that he catered partime. I became infuriated. when i confronted him he didnt deny so I left the home with my baby and I am currently living with my sister.
WH is begging me not to leave. when I started checking his phone records I discovered that he talks to OW every day multiple times. and when he isnt talking to her he is texting her. all of which he claim is just talking to her because she is nice and cool. he claims he doesnt have any feelings for her and that she was just "something to do when he was out of town for work." the city she lives in he goes there once a month for work overnight trip. I checked into his hotel records and he has met her in a city halfway 3 times since last year (at his expense) to have midday sex. When I asked him why when he was "partially caught" in February why didn't he cut her off. He told me she started asking too many questions and that he was trying to "ease out of it." which i now know is a lie because he still communicated with her daily since February. He claims he hasn't had sex with her since then (I don't believe him) and that he loves me and wants only me. We started MC but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel because of his lies. also I am 5 month pregnant with our second child. so Im dealing with a lot. to say im hurt is putting it lightly. I am angry and mad as hell. I have slapped and struck him several times on two different occasions since DDay. I want them both to hurt the way I do. I feel so stupid because I should have investigated more. I just don't believe he doesnt have feelings for OW why else would he talk to her all day everyday (including while home with me and Im taking care of my kid and his kids). Any insight would be helpful. Thanks for listening.

me-BS-34 (unsure of R)
WH-37 (wants to R)
DD-19 months
his kids-15,12,10
DDay-August 17th
OW-(works at a call center that is part of his territory in city 2.5 hrs from our home)

unfound posted 9/5/2013 18:50 PM

Welcome coldheart34

Going to MC is good, but until he's willing to be totally honest, transparent and show you real remorse, it's not going to get you anywhere. He's responsible for figuring out his issues. Once he's on that path, the the M can start to rebuild.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Right now you can concentrate on you and your babies. Make sure you're taking care of yourself physically as well as mentally (as much as you can). Maybe IC might be an option, and checking in with your Dr. to make sure the stress you're under is handled.

Has he sent a NC (no contact) letter to the OW? One that you've seen and approved and verified that was sent? That's a good first step to show that he's serious about not having any contact with her.

It's a long road, but you'll be okay. You've found a great place for advice and support.

anewday78 posted 9/5/2013 19:11 PM

Get to an attorney and file for child support. Since his 3 kids from previous marriage live with him, I'd get your children's fair share before either a) his ex-wife tries for custody or b) other woman gets pregnant.
Even if you decide to reconcile further down the road, at least your children's needs will be secured.

Blackhair posted 9/5/2013 19:24 PM


Sorry to hear what you are going, with the young baby it is even harder, but you are at a safe place now, you can get great advice here.

Do make sure to take care of yourself first! I understand it feels like the end of the world, it isn't, you are a strong woman and you can survive this!

180 your H and ignore him, do get a good lawyer to protect you and your kid.

Come and talk to us when you have a chance, hang in there!

Skan posted 9/5/2013 20:09 PM

This is going to sound cold, but you need to hear this.

Do not ever lay a hand on him again. Ever.

He can call the police on you, have you arrested for DV (domestic violence) and it WILL make a difference if you D when it comes to custody issues. You could have a RO (restraining order) filled out against you and be barred from your home. Hit the couch, break dishes, take a kickboxing class and beat up on the bag, but Do Not Touch Him Again.

Lord knows, we all know that urge to do it, but you can't afford to indulge yourself physically again. (((hugs)))

Now, if you have not already done so, please look at the upper left corner, where the yellow box is, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. It's all good information from people who have walked in your shoes. Seeing a lawyer is a great idea you want to make sure what your rights are and secure your children's future. I hate to say it, but you also need to schedule a completely STD/HIV panel of tests. You cannot trust that they used protection, that the OW was "faithful" to your WH, and that your WH didn't sleep with others. Liars lie, you cannot trust him in this matter. You are pregnant and anything that he may have passed to you could impact your baby. Get this done ASAP.

I'm so sorry. I know that you don't want to be here hearing all of these terrible things. But we're all here to help support you. We've all walked the path that you're walking and we'll help you as much as possible. (((more hugs)))

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/6/2013 08:23 AM

Skan is so right. Much as he deserves to have his head shoved through a brick wall 50 or 60 times, she's absolutely right in telling you to stop hitting him. The LAST thing you need is legal trouble or to hand him any ammunition with respect to child custody. This is for YOU benefit, not his.

The thing that struck me the worst and to me, is totally unforgiveable (aside from you being pregnant again and him sleazing it up on the side) is how he completely denounced his own daughter. What kind of so-called 'father' pretends that his OWN daughter isn't his own flesh and blood and claims she's some kind of orphan child cast off by his brother - just to keep his side piece of ass happy and in the dark? That, to me, is a deal breaker.

Secondly, you basically gave up your life and freedom at 27 years old to raise 3 children you didnít give birth to and didnít choose to have. So here you were at 27 working a full time job and taking on the responsibility of someone elseís kids. And the thanks for all your hard work, sacrifice, and dedication is being cheated on, lied to, and having his own precious daughter with you being written off as a family memberís castoff child.

I cannot believe all the wrong that this man has done to everyone in his life that matters. Iím devastated for you and devastated for your family. The fact that your husband couldnít appreciate the great sacrifice you made to raise his children plus your own - and one on the way - astounds me. Simply astounds me.

He never deserved you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:25 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

coldheart34 posted 9/7/2013 07:42 AM

Thanks everyone for your advice. I promise I will not hit him again. I am having the HIV/STD tests done next wednesday with my OB. Im very uncomfortable at my sister's house simply because she lives in a 1.5 bedroom apartment and me and DD are in the .5 room. I wake up every morning in pain because the bed isnt very comfortable. My DD cries constantly. Im considering an in-house separation so I can get my DD back on her routine before the new baby comes. I will have to set up a shit load of boundaries with WH because I REFUSE to do anything for him or his kids. My MC actually suggested it at our last session (in my individual session) which got me to thinking about it. I have a lot decisions to make but I want to make sure I am comfortable and my DD is good because seeing her so upset causes me stress which isn't good for the unborn baby.

Broken6 posted 9/7/2013 12:43 PM

I am so sorry to hear your story. You have taken on alot, and first I want to say, take care of you and your daughter. You especially right now because you are pregnant. Everything else is not the priority, you are. I wonder if moving back into the home, and implementing the 180 would help you? It is your home too, and he is really the one who should move out, given his adulterous actions. Also, trust your gut, if you think there is some impropriety, it is likely it is there. I am learning to trust mine, and it has not let me down. Each time I have had a premonition, I have investigated, and I have been right. Even though you want to believe what he says, trust yourself, not him - he is the proven liar. You will not let yourself down by doing this. I send hugs and support. You are stronger than you think you are.

keptmyword posted 9/7/2013 20:41 PM

Ah yes, it takes an extra special piece of shit to fuck-around on his pregnant wife. Some women can be just as despicable. My youngest son was three months old when my XWW started her sex-for-flattery arrangement with a childless, divorced piece of shit that was old enough to be her father.

That said, do NOT hit him again nor should you display any violence in front of him such as breaking or smashing household items. If you choose to divorce then you can bet that the lawyer he retains will ask him if you ever got violent with him or displayed any violent tendencies and they WILL use this as leverage against you.

First thing, make sure that you understand that his adultery has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. Infidelity is a PERSONAL PROBLEM - not a marital problem. Although obviously, it definitely leads to marital problems just like alcohol/drug addictions.

Here is my advice for dealing with a repeat adulterer and deceiver:

1. Consult with an attorney to know what rights you have in your state.

2. File for divorce. Filing does not mean you are obligated to go through with it. The petition can be suspended or dismissed at any time. What this will do is smack him with REAL consequences for his actions. It will be a harder smack than anything you can do with your hands. It will also send the message that you are no longer fucking around and will not tolerate being fucked around on.

3. Take care of yourself and your children physically, mentally, and emotionally. You and your children should be your focus. You can't help him or change him in any way. He needs to do this himself - if he ever does. Envision and plan your life beyond where you are now. Then, when YOU feel inclined, you can evaluate what you want to do as far as a life with your wayward husband from a more emotionally healthy perspective.

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