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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Trying Again
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Stop  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been dishonest about what has been happening for the past few months but I am trying NC again. I am not sure I want to stay in my marriage, but I'll never be sure until I take the time to get space from AP and figure it out. I'm feeling good today. Don't have anyone in real life to talk to so I'm here.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you have planned to do when the urge strikes to contact your AP?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK.

Go back to your original post & get real with your answers.


And welcome back.

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I want to contact AP? Books, movies, video games, posting here? I have a ton of home improvement stuff I want to do, cooking, and volunteer work. I think I can keep myself occupied. I need to get my stuff from his place and leave my key there so it's not as tempting.

And about my original post, I still maintain that AP is doing the best he can with the situation. We fell in love, really and truly and despite the fact it hurts like hell, he's giving me the time and space I asked for.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We fell in love, really and truly and despite the fact it hurts like hell, he's giving me the time and space I asked for.

Girlfriend, you need to practice MENTAL NC. That means stop using the phrase "we fell in love" and start saying "the OM". Stop saying "he's giving me <anything>" and start saying "I will weed the yard".

Stop reminiscing.
Stop thinking what if.
Stop listening to "your" songs.
Stop opening up the memory box.
Stop looking at the key.

Send a friend to get your stuff and return the key. Like, yesterday. Why do you still have it?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked me to keep the key in case I want to come back. This is only day one. Hence the feeling good today. I've never made it more than two or three days in the past.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want a divorce?

"I don't know" is not an answer.
Make a decision and commit to it. Either your going to stay married or not.

Stop playing Russian roulette with your BH's heart.

What do you think your BH is doing when you spend nights with OM?

Do you even care?

Your husband leaves because you keep breaking his heart.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We fell in love
With what exactly? The mutual back-stabbing, heartless betraying? The lying? The conniving? The complete disregard for your husband?

That's a scary person to "fall in love" with. For both of you.

You have "fallen in love" with the air-brushed, best behaved, most flattering, made-up, fresh breathed versions of one another. I'm guessing you don't kiss one another with anything less than an Aquafresh/Listerine treated mouth. I'm guessing you're always shaved, bathed, and smelling pretty when you meet him. Neither of you fart or burp in one another's presence. You don't take a crap in his house. What's not to love right!? It would be epic to only have the "best" bits of people eh? But this is real life. Not a fairy tale. There is no "happily ever after". Let alone a fictional, complete bullcrap Prince Charming.

You need to stop doing this to your husband. He does not deserve this treatment. At all. If you're going to stay and make it work, then do it. If not, leave. It's that simple. Marriage is not a revolving door for an ever changing mood. That's no way to live.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked me to keep the key in case I want to come back.

When are you giving the key back? Via a friend, of course.

I've never made it more than two or three days in the past.

Of course not. You don't have a plan. You say things like movies or cooking or whatever, but you don't mean it. It's ok if you lie to us - we're just electrons. But you lie to yourself.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I want to stay married. This isn't just mean Apple being mean. Yes, I am solely responsible for my A. But I don't think my infidelity takes away my right to decide that this marriage is not what I want either. I'm very fearful of being found out here, so I won't elaborate much, but Mr. Apple has done things that are hard to forgive and forget as well. I have pretended I have been trying to do that, but really I've been focusing all my attention on OM and not working on my marriage. I am trying to change that now. I am reading "When Good People Have Affairs" and there is a quote in there along the lines of, "Well, why wouldn't your BS treat you as well as your AP if you treated them the way you treat your AP?"

I am truly not trying to be difficult, but I am hoping to find the support I need here. Again, not trying to divulge too many intimate details, but the A started and three days later, I thought my marriage ended. I engaged in a real, every day, ordinary relationship with OM during the intervening time. No, we didn't fall in love with the airbrushed versions of each other or the rush of secrecy. It is hard, but I can see why I'm doing this.

I don't have a plan about the key. Our friends know that BH and I split and that I was with OM for a while. (Heck, we met each other's families.) They don't know the whole truth and would probably be confused by me not just giving him the key myself. I honestly just figured I could go and grab my stuff when he's out one day and leave the key on the table?


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course not. You don't have a plan. You say things like movies or cooking or whatever, but you don't mean it. It's ok if you lie to us - we're just electrons. But you lie to yourself.

Do you have more guidance? I am basically just willing myself not to contact him. I have to do it this way, the other way - caught in limbo - was just prolonging the inevitable. I wasn't making a decision and it wasn't sustainable. This is my bandaid ripping version of figuring out where I want to go. Either I put my energy into my marriage and it gets better, or I put my energy in and find it is not what I want.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said that you lasted 3 days at most in the past. Today is day 2. How are you feeling? Have you had the desire to contact the OM? What did you do with that desire?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IAtetheApple,

I don't know your story so I'm only basing my comments off of this thread.

I didn't have a fakey, best-foot-forward airbrushed version of a relationship with my AP...he was an ex-boyfriend, so we knew each other for what we were (farts, craps and all ). So for that reason---that our history was based on something "real"---I tend to kind of glaze over when I read about the "unicorns and skittles aspect of an A" because it didn't really apply in some ways to my situation.

Be that as it may: it doesn't matter. It can be a totally fake bullshit fantasyland affair, or it can be an affair between people who used to share daily life, or anything on the spectrum in between. And in the end, it doesn't matter. It all involves lying and sneaking and dishonor and disgust and betrayal.

It is perfectly OK to not want to be married anymore, if that is truly and honestly what you want and not just a reaction to the affair feelings. Sometimes too much damage has been done, and it's just over. That's your business. But (IMHO) it's not a good idea to leave your M for another person, and it's not a good idea to leave your M because of how someone else makes you feel.

Does your BH know you're undecided about the marriage?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
BrokenRoad
♀ 15334
Member # 15334
Cool  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One suggestion you can try. Make a list of all the reasons to stay with your BH.

Put it down when you are done, then pick it back up the next day and add more.
Repeat.


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 44
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't make it through the day yesterday. I called last night and spent ten minutes sobbing into the phone while he told me everything will be okay. He sent me an email around the same time saying he misses me and loves me and is thinking of me.

I want to get better at this. I'm a determined person. This in-between place is uninhabitable.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, BH knows that I wanted out before and that I want us to work on getting our marriage to a place we both want to be at. He's expressed that he is more afraid of being alone than he actually desires to stay married to me.

Thanks for the list suggestion. I will try that.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 5:13 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
IAteTheApple
♀ 39452
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm posting from a new device that I'm only just getting used to so if my posts don't make sense or get edited that is why.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am basically just willing myself not to contact him. I have to do it this way, the other way

Apparently, this isn't working.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

make a decision. At this rate you will by trying no contact until the new year. You won't be successful at No contact until you Stop Using the om as an emotional supporter. You need to start turning to your husband or a trusted friend or you will continue on this cycle. First you have to decide what you really want


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 19

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