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Looking back, do you now see it was going to happen

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TICKED OFF posted 9/5/2013 16:55 PM

Looking back at my marriage before the a (9 yrs ago) the more I realize that all the signs were there years before it happened. In fact, at this stage of the game the more I look back at my marriage post a, the more I think h had done it at least one time before.

He was in a job where people (especially women) flattered him all of the time. And now that I look back I can remember all of the times he would make his cute little comments to a waitress in front of me. (I would sometimes meet him at lunch during his work day) Or the way he would talk to any woman when he would tell his work stories. His subtle little comments thinking he was so funny and cute.

So as I see it now, YES, I do think an a had already taken place or was going to happen in the future. Too bad I was so trusting post a thinking that he could or would ever think so little of me, our marriage or himself.

hardtimesinlife posted 9/5/2013 17:11 PM

Yes. I got an accidental Butt dial from him while he was in an OW's bedroom. Early on. He gaslighted, I couldn't prove anything so had no choice but to believe his lies.

Just like your second paragraph, second sentence, I now second guess everything that happened in our relationship. Makes me feel foolish to have trusted so much. I even trusted a little bit after dday one and before dday two.

Bikingguy posted 9/5/2013 17:16 PM

NO! Oh sure over the years our M weakened and barely existed. Had it started during his period maybe. But no, WW started her 15 year super long LTA about 6 months after our wedding. Really cannot think of problems we were having then. Really wish she had strong enough values to walk away first. Note I am not even wishing she didn't do it, but simply that she left!

painpaingoaway posted 9/5/2013 17:20 PM

And now that I look back I can remember all of the times he would make his cute little comments to a waitress in front of me.
Ditto. Did we marry the same guy????

Ashland13 posted 9/5/2013 17:44 PM

Perv had personality traits that should have been red flags, but his duplicity/deceit was so much that I couldn't quite put my finger on it. He had traits that other men had that I met over time-relatives, friends of his and such, so it was sometimes hard to know if a trait was belonging just to him and I was so nave that a red flag could have hit me right on the head. Some did. Some I knew, some I questioned, like the staring at other women, but would not have dreamed he would cheat, because of the personality he made himself into-model head of household and model citizen. Not now.

Now I recognize things and one of my parents recently said something along these lines, that he thought the personality was "lined up for it"...and that hurt.

But lately when I'm feeling stronger, I think of these traits and things and think that they won't help OW either, will they? He thinks the world is wrong and what he does is fine and we should adapt to him...not the other way around. But he is not like that at first. First it's the charm. The NPD charm.

Simple posted 9/5/2013 17:49 PM

Looking back I saw what my instincts was telling me. But I denied it and my husband, then boyfriend was so charismatic (meaning manipulative) that I ended up the one feeling guilty and inadequate whenever I have suspicions.

I won't deny my instincts anymore. Good news is my FWH knows that I don't trust him and may never trust him and he's ok with that so long as I continue to recognize that he's become a better person.

TICKED OFF posted 9/5/2013 17:55 PM

"pain" Maybe so.....

"ash".....yep, looking back I do see where h's personality was lined up for it.

"Simple".....Yes yes yes......looking back I see a lot of things I should have seen in my marriage post a. But blind unconditional trust hindered my thoughts of infidelity.

And yes "hardtime".....I did feel foolish and maybe still do. Let's just say that it will never ever happen again because if it does I am ought of her once an for all.

Tearsoflove posted 9/5/2013 17:55 PM

Every day of our marriage, my husband told me he loved me and how beautiful I was. However, before my husband was sent on a remote tour overseas, his boss thought it would be a good idea for him to go to a leadership program. The program was only a couple hours from us so he could easily come home every weekend or we could go there to spend time with him. About half way through the program, he stopped wanting to come home and started ignoring us to hang out with the guys when we went there. I told him how I felt about it and that I was worried that his pulling a way was a signal that meant he might have an affair during the remote tour since he'd be away so much longer. He apologized for his behavior and assured me that would never happen. I'm not sure who's timeline is correct but if it's the OW, he was only there a couple months when the affair began. If it's him, he made it about four months. Pretty sad after 17 years of marriage that he couldn't make it away from us until his mid-tour leave. I originally chalked it up to how difficult it was to stay in touch because he was overseas and I didn't have a cell phone. Phone calls were super expensive so we did most of our conversations by email or chat program. But then he had the second affair and couldn't use that excuse.

The second affair, he had to be in another state for four months. He wasn't even there a month when the affair started. I had no idea it was going on. We spoke for at least an hour every single day. He sent me emails telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. It didn't feel all that different from when we were together other than distance. It's been three years and I still can't believe how good he compartmentalized. He was home for a month when her husband called me and I never had a clue right up until that moment.

StepAside posted 9/5/2013 19:00 PM

Oh hell yes. I was reading the signs, but they were in another language. I'm at the point now where I have forgiven my naive self from back then, I didn't have the tools to recognize what was already in side of him and growing.

foundoutlater posted 9/5/2013 19:04 PM

No there was no way I could see it would happen. I saw plenty of clues (like most BS). I have beat myself up for "ignoring" it. You know what though I did not ignore it. The only way I could have seen it would be if I believed it was possible. I could not believe that she would. Unless I had caught them in the act or found blatant evidence there was no way I could see it because of what I believed.

roses303 posted 9/5/2013 19:28 PM

In between the 2 affairs with my BFF (the OW), we were camping together as families. I was in a really bad spot emotionally and remember thinking that WH and OW seemed to have so much fun together and that they probably should have married each other (OW was the one who introduced me to WH when she was married to her first husband). Little did I know that they had just ended an 18 month long affair and would do it again a few years later. I saw the signs, I just didn't think that they meant anything. I never thought either of them were that type of person.

StrongerOne posted 9/5/2013 19:48 PM

Things had been rough, we were not connecting much. There was one evening, I can't even remember what he did or said that made me think this, but I thought, He's having an affair. Which I immediately brushed aside, because he wasn't That Guy. Later I realized that moment was right when his professional relationship with MCOW turned into an EA. So, yes, I knew, but I didn't let myself believe it.

Always trust your instincts...

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

TICKED OFF posted 9/5/2013 20:16 PM

I do know that I too didn't see it slapping me in the face like most of you, but what I am talking about here is post a many years before the a/a's took place.

As most of you have already answered my question, the signs were definitely there well before the a was even a thought, or at least in my case. I look back now and I can clearly see even years prior that he had it in him to create such a nightmare. The problem with most of us is that we had blind faith. Going back post a to the very start of the relationship or marriage would we have ever given it a thought?

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 8:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

stunnedin12 posted 9/5/2013 20:46 PM

Wh is in a profession notorious for cheaters... I used to listen to co-workers (women) rave about how he was such a good guy, blah, blah, blah. I used to listen to how 'they' would all go out, blah, blah, blah. I should have realized earlier, but I really and truly thought he was made of better stuff. After all, we had talked about some of the others (friends) in the profession and how they had ruined marriages.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/5/2013 21:49 PM

Yep, having looked back over the 16 year relationship X had all the right qualities to be a Wayward:

*selfish - check
*me/relationship last priority - check
*empty words about changing behaviour but no action - check
*inappropriate interactions with females - check
*constant need for validation - check
*master liar by omission - check
*lack of empathy - check
*jealous of me, needed to 'one up' me constantly - check


and the list goes on..........

TxsT posted 9/5/2013 21:52 PM

No I did not ever think he could do this. Even with the sagging things in our marriage I could not begin to imagine this.

The hardest thing to know now is that, if we had tended to our M better I doubt the A would have existed at all.

T

TXBW68 posted 9/5/2013 22:03 PM

I honestly thought we were a normal couple dealing with work and kids like everyone else. Just in a "down" cycle. He told me every day multiple times a day that he loved me. He kissed me good morning/good night/hello/goodbye. He held my hand while we watched TV. We had great sex.

But now I see that he was actually pulling away from me. The distance that I felt and thought was "normal" was actually due to him delving into internet sites/chat rooms/porn he shouldn't have been in and over time, 4 OW he shouldn't have been in either!!

I knew our marriage was not #1 on his priority list but I NEVER thought he was cheating...

TxsT posted 9/5/2013 22:11 PM

TXBW......looks like we are on the same page with this one......sorry for you, sorry for me!

T

DyingInside0412 posted 9/5/2013 22:13 PM

When we were first together, I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me. He was so loving and so into me. Now, after finding out he's cheated for the second time, I can't imagine him ever stopping and it makes me so sad.

Bluebird26 posted 9/6/2013 01:04 AM

Yes, I see lots of red flags. The first one appeared just before I fell pregnant with our first son. But I believed his gas lighting, wished I knew then what I know now.

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