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No one knows I'm pregnant ...

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thebirdcage posted 9/5/2013 17:19 PM

Let me summarize: our first son was stillborn in March 2014. Dday was April 2013. After dday I found out I have a genetic blood clotting disorder that caused the stillbirth. We committed to R in April and did some HB. I found out I was pregnant in May. I am half way along with a high risk pregnancy.

I've been in hiding. I hate to say it but I am kind of ashamed that I took back someone who hurt me so bad and that I got pregnant again so fast. Only immediate family knows I'm pregnant. And two of my closest friends.

This weekend there is a big college football game and my SO got us tickets. We haven't gone anywhere or done anything fun in 5 months. I know at this game the likelihood that I will see friends that don't know I'm pregnant, friends I lost for going back with my SO, his friends and the OW who is his ex, are really high. I'm so nervous. Everyone is going to judge me and I'm ashamed. I know I made these decisions and I don't regret them and I should hold my head high. No one knows what it's like until they are me and have been through what I've been through. But it's still hard. I don't think staying hidden is healthy.

Anyone else deal with this shameful feeling?

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/5/2013 17:30 PM

No matter the circumstances. You have a baby growing inside of you. That is a miracle and will become your life! DO NOT be ashamed of that!

Hold your head high and be proud of what is happening inside you! Plus stress cannot be good.

thebirdcage posted 9/5/2013 17:40 PM

Correction: March 2013 not 2014...

And I am
Not ashamed of this baby- I am beyond happy for my rainbow. But it's one thing... One very difficult thing to be pregnant after a loss and its mother to throw R and all those feelings into the mix. This has all been so challenging. I know running into people and the looks I am going to get are challenging. But I need to face it at some point... Right?!?

Silentthoughts posted 9/5/2013 18:02 PM

No one knows what goes on behind closed door in any relationship. I'm sure you won't be the only one who has been hiding secrets. Enjoy your pregnancy and let all those people think what they want. Being pregnant is hard enough without all the other things you are dealing with. Your decision to r is between you and your so. Everyone else can take a flying leap!

Rebreather posted 9/5/2013 18:31 PM

Celebrate your baby and hold your head up high. None of us deserved to be judged for trying to save our families. Those who do cannot be worth our time.

SpiderGrl posted 9/5/2013 20:13 PM


This is my very first post here but I couldn't pass up sending you a big long distace hug.

I'm currently pregnant with an HB baby, too. 8 wks. I've not faced the loss of a baby, though, so I can't even wrap my head around your mixed feelings. I know mine are caaaraaazy. We've not told anyone irl. My h is excited, I'm not excited but not unexcited... Very weird unnamed emotion.

Walk tall and project all the love you feel for that little love and people will have no other choice but to be happy for you. I wish you the very best of the best.

thebirdcage posted 9/5/2013 21:53 PM

Thank you all for the support! I am so grateful for a place like this to go....

cuppacoffee posted 9/6/2013 08:28 AM

same for us here. I'm almost 12 weeks. we got pregnant after dday on our anniversary.

we haven't told anyone and we don't plan on it. our families are not going to approve.

luckily i have some baby weight from the last baby and i'm not talking to my mother so i should be able to hide it for a long time.

i'm kind of worried about meeting up with the husband's friends at a wedding in a few weeks because OW will find out from the friends. His excuse for the a was that he was lonely and I didn't have time for him because we had kids.

I feel ya girl.

But your baby is a miracle and if others are angry too bad so sad for them.


JanaGreen posted 9/6/2013 08:42 AM

((HUGS)) and congratulations on your precious little baby. I got pregnant with my daughter immediately after a loss (D&C January 8 2009, positive HTP February 11) and I am totally with you that it's very hard to be pregnant after a loss! So many emotions! Add the betrayal into the mix and that's SO much to deal with. But please do not be ashamed. I know it's hard. But none of them know everything about YOUR situation and the choices you made. Just as you don't know - they might be dealing with something similar in their life that nobody else knows about.

((HUGS)) and good luck.

tushnurse posted 9/6/2013 08:56 AM

Birdy - What a wonderful exciting time this is, or should be for you both.

The loss of a child is something that no one should ever have to go through, but you at least had your answer, and are doing things that need to be done to have a healthy baby this go.

I say hold your head high, and be proud, talk to your H about your apprehensions, and tell him you fully expect him to treat you like a queen, and dote over you at this event. Show the world, just how over the moon happy you two are. If others continue to judge, screw em, they don't care about you, and just being ugly to be ugly, or make themselves feel better about themselves.

Take some time to get fixed up, get some cute clothes, feel confident, be confident. Let that speak for itself.

((((and strength))))

mchercheur posted 9/6/2013 09:15 AM

Take some time to get fixed up, get some cute clothes, feel confident, be confident. Let that speak for itself.

Just keep telling yourself "Nobody knows what it is like to walk in my shoes," & that its none of their business to judge you.
Best of luck to you sweetie

tryinginmi posted 9/6/2013 10:57 AM

Hun, I'm three years out and 15 weeks pregnant. I'm going through many of the same things. I know WH's family thinks this baby is me bob trolling him because of his A. We have a company picnic next weekend where I will be faced with everyone that watched and knew about the A. The cOW may also be there. It's a very large company, so who knows. Part of me wants to rub it in her face, the other half is so ashamed of tying myself to this man again.

I just want you to know your feelings are normal.

Morhurt posted 9/6/2013 12:03 PM

I think talking really honestly to your H about how you feel and what you need from him will help. If you need him to treat you like the Queen of Sheeba, tell him that. If you need space while you're there, tell him that.

I'm learning to really communicate what I need my husband to do to help me feel safe. It's hard (for me, not him) but it helps.

Maybe if he can show you all day/night that you mean the world to him and this baby will be the light of his life it will take your mind off the haters.

I hope you're able to enjoy yourself. But if not, leave (with H). You need to do what makes YOU feel good.

disillusioned12 posted 9/7/2013 00:32 AM

I don't have any advice to add that has not already been expressed. I just want to congratulate you on your rainbow and wish you the best.

My son is a rainbow also and I can relate to some of what you are feeling. ((hugs))

As others stated, hold your head up high and try not to worry about anyone else's opinions. Easier said, I know. You are a beautiful person and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hearthache again posted 9/7/2013 00:49 AM

I kind of felt the same way with our last pregnancy. It was about 1 1/2 years past dday#1 when I got pregnant and found out about A number 2 when I was 18 weeks pregnant. My H ended the A 2 months before I got pregnant. We got pregnant on New Years Eve.

I then realized that let them judge. This is my life and I am living it my way. Same for you this is your life not theirs.

Don't ever be ashamed of yourself. You are the only you that will ever walk this earth. You are unique and there will never be another person like you on this earth. Celebrate that and go into that game knowing you are also creating another unique wonderful person inside of you that was made through love, even through it was not the best timing.

You will look back on this and think why did I even have those thoughts. My now almost 3 year old is one of the best things I have ever had the privilege to help create. He is an amazing little guy. Our life is better with him in it.

thebirdcage posted 9/7/2013 21:40 PM

Thank you everyone for the support! I am so happy to have a place like this to share my feelings/ fears/ etc. the game went ok. We just tailgated with some friends of mine. They found out I was pregnant and knew about the previous loss and A and were nothing but supportive. It was a great surprise. We didn't go into the game so we didn't run into other people. I later found out from a friend that the OW (his ex) was there. It stirred up all these emotions. Of she had an common decency she would move away from this city and never be heard of again. I wonder if she feels as much pain as I do? If she thinks about me or him? She seems to have a fabulous life (according to a friend who FB stalks her lol). She travels and has a great job and is always out at cool restaurants and bars. The only time I've seen her is a few days after her abortion (which was sup my H'a baby but we later found out she was sleeping around like crazy) and she was out drinking having a blast while I was dragged out by my friends, not having eaten for days and fighting back tears at every second. She bothers me so much. I hate to waste energy on her... But she does cross my mind from time to time. But I guess I just have to think... I lost my baby because God took him and I am so blessed to be expecting my rainbow... That's something she doesn't have... Yet.

Morhurt posted 9/8/2013 00:47 AM

I'm so glad the game (tailgating) went well and that your friends were all supportive. Yay!

Hearthache again posted 9/8/2013 22:01 PM

Of she had an common decency she would move away from this city and never be heard of again

They never had any morals before the A why would they after.

OW#1 who I can not stand because she tried everything to get my life still lives in our small town. She was horrible. She even used my children as pawns in her stupid quest to get my life. He son is the same age and plays rocket football just like my boy. We have to make the decision next year when we sign up do we mention keeping these kids on separate teams. He child is scrawny and not very athletic. I doubt he will play for very long. My son is a star on the team with every coach on up to high school, can not wait to get him on their team.

Am I a bad person that I hope my son lays her son out if they ever play against each other? If so I am ok with that.

So happy that the day went smoothly and good for you.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 10:02 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

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