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So I am the "love of his life"? Another brain chemical reaction?

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ILINIA posted 9/5/2013 17:24 PM

WS feel free to jump in....I know I am not alone, but I don't get it. For a couple of months he fantasizes about his coworker, sleeps with her, I confront him, and woolah, All of the sudden I am the "love of is life"!

I know we are just under 3 months from DDay, but he keeps reinforcing that I am "the one", "the love of his life", "the person he wants to grow old with", yada yada yada.

Either I don't say anything or ask him why all of the sudden he feels this way. He claims the "scales have fallen from his eyes" and that "he never understood what he had until it was threatened."

It has been for about three months and he hasn't wavered. Obviously, I am skeptical and watching is actions, but my questions are 1) does he say this so I don't leave and he is scared/manipulative or 2) is it some sort of brain chemical euphoria/reaction that he can't control & will eventually fade or 3)it is a phase that all WS go through or 4) something else.

He has never been this vocal in his love for me, so these declarations feel a bit out of place especially after him pursuing another interest.

Input? Any one else have their WS react this way? Did it last the test of time or fade?

crazyblindsided posted 9/5/2013 17:28 PM

Mine said it too, but he went on to break NC and we were in false r too

Watch his actions, if they back up what he is saying then that is good, otherwise they talk a good game to placate us.

OldCow18 posted 9/5/2013 17:30 PM

My WH has said the same. But he said that prior to also...I mean, not every day, or even every year, but I felt I was the love of his life. HA! When I ask how he could have done this to me he says he "got de-railed" but that me finding out shook him to his core and he's back. He's also used the "you don't know what you have until it's gone" line as well.

I'm still not sure he's here for me or to keep his life the way he likes it. Divorce would destroy it all. Time will tell I suppose.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/5/2013 20:17 PM

It sounds like maybe he does love you very much and does want you. He just wanted to have sex with someone else, too, and didn't think he would get caught. You really messed things up for him by catching him. That was not supposed to happen and then "no one would have gotten hurt" by the sideline sex (was his piece of shit thinking).

So, if this is what happened, my concern would obviously be.....when does it happen again? He does know that you are not allowed to sleep with other women when you're married, but he decided it was OK for him? Why?

There are lots of sexy women out there. Some will always be available to him. He has to NOT want to have sex with them, because why? Because he loves you and you are the love of his life. He didn't just discover that he loved you. He just got caught having sex with someone else. He never stopped loving you. He just was a piece of shit and he slept with someone else and was going to do it again. But he doesn't want to lose you. He just had a chance to get laid and took it.

What you do with that is now up to you.

njgal480 posted 9/5/2013 21:00 PM

My FWH said the same thing right after d-day when I found out about his 5 yr LTA!
I couldn't understand it either at first.
But, I kept watching his actions.
And yes... d-day was hitting bottom for him. And after I kicked him out of the house he had a huge wake up call and realized how much he loved me and wanted to stay married to me.
He has continued to stay madly in love with me for 6 yrs now!
So...I guess he really does feel that way.

Watch what your WS does. Do his actions match his words?
Is he transparent in everything that he does? are there no more secrets? has he made all the changes you demand? NC with the OW? NC with anyone who is not a friend of the marriage.
Has he gone to IC? MC?
If he has/had a drinking problem that he blames (at least partially for his behavior) has he stopped drinking and sought out help?

I know it may seem hard to believe that there can be this drastic of a switch in thinking but it did happen to my FWH. And he has sustained those changes in himself.

ILINIA posted 9/6/2013 07:32 AM

Thanks all for the comments. I feel like I am just trying to survive day-to-day, so his comments just seem over the top.

He is being transparent, switched jobs at his company, cut of contact,will participate in whatever mood I am in that day, helps around the house, etc.

I am sure he must be going through many emotions, so I just don't know what to trust anymore. I don't want to buy into it and then all of the sudden he does something dumb again. It just sucks. So I guess I am just going to keep waiting and watching....

catlover50 posted 9/6/2013 09:10 AM


I suspect many of us with remorseful WSs have heard this. And I suspect many are sincere.

I believe it when my H says it. I also believe him when he says he never stopped loving me. I also believed him when he made his wedding vows.

Thing is, feelings change. People promise all sorts of things. I realize that promises are meaningless.

I do think there is something about realizing what you could lose that crystallizes it's value for you. But still, work needs to be done. Why was the value not realized before? Or forgotten? Or somehow "devalued" enough that an illicit orgasm was enough to risk it for? Where were the boundaries?

That's where the action comes in. Figuring all that out, so that those declarations have lasting value.

Good luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:11 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

ILINIA posted 9/6/2013 15:29 PM

Okay, just had to post this. It is an email from WH today. We chatted last night about toning it down a bit, which he did:

I know you question my love for you. I know you think that I didn't love you enough. I don't know how to answer that. I have always loved you, and I think it was more a matter of not fully opening myself up to that love, especially in the sense of suborning my own selfish interests to your interests and our shared interests as a couple. I think I wasn't sufficiently self-aware to even realize it, and trivialized the consequences to myself.

I also know that I totally fucked everything up.

But I do love you, am in love with you, am ready to fight for you as long as I need to. I love you, truly, completely. I long to heal your wounds and make our family whole again. I hope that you'll be able in time to fully accept my love. I understand that it's a struggle right now. I know that I hurt you yesterday, and I hate myself for that. But my love IS real, and if you give me a chance I'll keep proving it to you.

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