I know we are just under 3 months from DDay, but he keeps reinforcing that I am "the one", "the love of his life", "the person he wants to grow old with", yada yada yada.
Either I don't say anything or ask him why all of the sudden he feels this way. He claims the "scales have fallen from his eyes" and that "he never understood what he had until it was threatened."
It has been for about three months and he hasn't wavered. Obviously, I am skeptical and watching is actions, but my questions are 1) does he say this so I don't leave and he is scared/manipulative or 2) is it some sort of brain chemical euphoria/reaction that he can't control & will eventually fade or 3)it is a phase that all WS go through or 4) something else.
He has never been this vocal in his love for me, so these declarations feel a bit out of place especially after him pursuing another interest.
Input? Any one else have their WS react this way? Did it last the test of time or fade?
Watch his actions, if they back up what he is saying then that is good, otherwise they talk a good game to placate us.
I'm still not sure he's here for me or to keep his life the way he likes it. Divorce would destroy it all. Time will tell I suppose.
So, if this is what happened, my concern would obviously be.....when does it happen again? He does know that you are not allowed to sleep with other women when you're married, but he decided it was OK for him? Why?
There are lots of sexy women out there. Some will always be available to him. He has to NOT want to have sex with them, because why? Because he loves you and you are the love of his life. He didn't just discover that he loved you. He just got caught having sex with someone else. He never stopped loving you. He just was a piece of shit and he slept with someone else and was going to do it again. But he doesn't want to lose you. He just had a chance to get laid and took it.
What you do with that is now up to you.
Watch what your WS does. Do his actions match his words?
Is he transparent in everything that he does? are there no more secrets? has he made all the changes you demand? NC with the OW? NC with anyone who is not a friend of the marriage.
Has he gone to IC? MC?
If he has/had a drinking problem that he blames (at least partially for his behavior) has he stopped drinking and sought out help?
I know it may seem hard to believe that there can be this drastic of a switch in thinking but it did happen to my FWH. And he has sustained those changes in himself.
He is being transparent, switched jobs at his company, cut of contact,will participate in whatever mood I am in that day, helps around the house, etc.
I am sure he must be going through many emotions, so I just don't know what to trust anymore. I don't want to buy into it and then all of the sudden he does something dumb again. It just sucks. So I guess I am just going to keep waiting and watching....
I suspect many of us with remorseful WSs have heard this. And I suspect many are sincere.
I believe it when my H says it. I also believe him when he says he never stopped loving me. I also believed him when he made his wedding vows.
Thing is, feelings change. People promise all sorts of things. I realize that promises are meaningless.
I do think there is something about realizing what you could lose that crystallizes it's value for you. But still, work needs to be done. Why was the value not realized before? Or forgotten? Or somehow "devalued" enough that an illicit orgasm was enough to risk it for? Where were the boundaries?
That's where the action comes in. Figuring all that out, so that those declarations have lasting value.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:11 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
I know you question my love for you. I know you think that I didn't love you enough. I don't know how to answer that. I have always loved you, and I think it was more a matter of not fully opening myself up to that love, especially in the sense of suborning my own selfish interests to your interests and our shared interests as a couple. I think I wasn't sufficiently self-aware to even realize it, and trivialized the consequences to myself.
I also know that I totally fucked everything up.
But I do love you, am in love with you, am ready to fight for you as long as I need to. I love you, truly, completely. I long to heal your wounds and make our family whole again. I hope that you'll be able in time to fully accept my love. I understand that it's a struggle right now. I know that I hurt you yesterday, and I hate myself for that. But my love IS real, and if you give me a chance I'll keep proving it to you.