"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Birdy08 posted 9/5/2013 18:17 PM

First time posting so here goes...on Easter Sunday FWH admitted to never having broken up w/the woman he was seeing when we first started dating 17 yrs ago/1996. He continued to see her through our engagement (16 yrs ago/1997), marriage (15 yrs ago/1998) and children (son now 20 - from my first marriage, he adopted - and daughter 13). He continued to see her until 2006. During this time she was living out-of-state and they spoke on the phone and saw each other a few times for lunch/sex. Without my knowledge FWH supported her throughout financially and gave her close to 90k (of our money - we both work) over 9 yrs. He never told her about me/kids and, according to him, she never asked anything of him except to send her money each month. I always trusted him with our finances and the money ran out in 2007 and she, obviously with no use for him, disappeared. FWH says he bought this affair into the marriage and compartmentalized. Says he always loved us and he was afraid she would show up on our doorstep. It has been over for over 6 yrs but he just confessed, finally, this past Easter. I became aware of the missing money in '08 and kept asking him what he spent it on. It was always cars, stuff for house, kids, etc. He finally confessed. I am beside myself and cannot deal with this pain. We are in intensive IC and MC. He says he was chasing a fantasy and never grew up until he realized how to really love. The irony is we have always had a wonderful marriage and life. Now I feel like I was living with a stranger. I wish he never told me. The rational part of me says to put it behind and move on but the magnitude of this deception, along with the fact that he stole from his wife and children, is too much pain for me to bear. I have friends who have dealt with infidelity and some have divorced (for much less) and some are still together. No ones story comes close to mine and I feel like the earth might spin off its axis. Looking for support and guidance. thanks.

TxsT posted 9/5/2013 18:27 PM

Birdy ......

I am nowhere near 11 years of an A but I do understand the significant difference of the affect of a LTA. I am sorry that you have had the need to find your way here. I too can understand that you would have felt better knowing this never had happened but now you can figure out what path you want to take. Your H needs to really figure this out and you really need the support and understanding from a good IC/MC. Listen to your heart. Don't rush into anything quickly. Let yourself heal a bit first and watch and listen to your H. Those two things will eventually show you what is right for you.

T

Needadrink posted 9/5/2013 18:28 PM

Hi Birdy08 I am so sorry for your loss and yes it is a loss because you have lost the man who no longer exists in your eyes. My story is very similar to your with my H having an affair with the same women for 18yrs and him then deciding to tell me. I feel your pain, continue with your MC I am having to go to IC as my H works overseas in a third world country, seems to be the story of my life him being overseas while I try to get on with things. sending you some hugs you are not alone in this.

emotionalgirl posted 9/5/2013 18:29 PM

Birdy...I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Your story is agonizing. I am sorry I don't have any advice, or guidance except to say...come here often, read other people's stories. Doing that helped me gain perspective on my own situation.

We all find our path eventually, whatever it may be. Remember there is a light at the end of every tunnel...this is just a damn long and really dark tunnel. (((( hugs))))

Simple posted 9/5/2013 18:40 PM

I feel for you Birdy08. Whether it's a ONS or an 11 year affair, it hurts like hell. My FWH had been cheating with multiple OW for 11 years and money was lost. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether that's reconciliation or separation is not something to think about right now. Just focus on accepting there is a problem, give yourself time to process, get checked for STD - both of you. Don't go in denial that there is a problem, don't shove this under a rug. I only say this because you said this:

I wish he never told me.

Focus also on your health, physically and mentally. Read through the library. I'm sure it will help so much. Give yourself time.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/5/2013 18:57 PM

Ok....wow. What a humongous kick in the gut this has to be for you. I'm so sorry. Good news is that you WILL get through this. You WILL deal with it.

Question time --
What did you 'know' about this OW *back in the day*? You say that he was seeing her when you started dating him. Were you an OW then? (no judgment or accusation, just trying to get a 'feel' for what was happening back then). What did he tell you about her? What did he tell you about her back then?

Were you aware that she was 'on the scene' throughout your courtship and engagement?

You say that he never told her about you/kids. Do you mean that he never spoke about you all or that she didn't 'know' about you all?

What made him confess after being NC with her for 6 years?

He says he was chasing a fantasy and never grew up until he realized how to really love

Ummmm.....and just *how* did he learn to "really love?" Did he get his butt into IC to figure out what the hell was wrong with him that he could have this 'secret' life while being married?.....because it sure seems that the money ran out, she bailed, and he was left with *you*. I don't mean that in a hurtful way....I just don't see how having his LTA bail on him taught him anything about *real* love.

You say that "the money ran out in 2007." What does that mean? Did you all fall on hard times?

Your *rational* part is leading you down the right path. Don't let the rug-sweeper come onto the premises. You want to put it behind you and move on because that is the *easy* way....problem with that is that this is a pretty darn big issue and it needs to be dealt with. If you ignore it, you are only kicking the can down the road.

So what is your WH's attitude like now? What's going on? How is MC going for you two?

Birdy08 posted 9/5/2013 18:58 PM

Thank you all. Glad I found SI.

Alex CR posted 9/5/2013 19:08 PM

(((Birdy08))) So sorry you find yourself here. Finding out about my H's five year LTA I found the shock and pain of it all incredibly paralyzing.

Best advice I received when I came to SI was that I didn't have to make any life changing decisions right away...to take my time to deal with the information, the pain and the fallout.

Take good care of yourself, try to eat and get some exercise...I even obtained a prescription for Lunesta from my doctor as I went without sleep for days and could barely think straight.

There are many stages to this ride but you are not alone....and there are many people here who can help by listening and sharing their experience.

Right now it's all so new...be kind to yourself and keep posting. You will get through this......

Birdy08 posted 9/5/2013 19:17 PM

Gonnebe2016- thx for replying. To answer your questions: after we were dating about 4 mos he mentioned getting together with a friend. I never demanded exclusivity at that point so just assumed whatever. I asked him about it a few days later and he said it was just lunch. Then 3 wks later he said he was seeing this friend again. After that i never heard a word about her. We went away together that summer ('96) and were basically living together after that. He proposed in '97 and we married in '98. Never heard another word about her until he confessed this past Easter Sunday. I noticed that bills began being paid late in '05 and took over the control of our finances. He skimmed money until '06 and then I changed bank accts so he was cut off. He blamed the overspending on "stuff" then gambling but it didn't add up. I was literally pounding him on this for yrs until he confessed.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/5/2013 19:41 PM

Did you know about that he was seeing this female when you began your relationship with him? (I'm going to guess, from what you have shared, that he totally downplayed this....)

So you ended up noticing that the finances were wonky and *took over*.....and soon after that his OW bailed because he could no longer send her cash?

I asked this earlier, what is his attitude like right now? Easter was, like, 6 months ago. What's been happening since then? It seems that he confessed because you weren't accepting of his 'lame' excuses about where the money went?

You WILL be able to bear this. You'll be ok. You just need to process and sort right now.....figure things out.

Birdy08 posted 9/5/2013 20:25 PM

Gonnabe2016- fwh has been wonderful since the Easter confession. Said he couldn't live with my unhappiness over where the money went which I kept bringing up. I was shocked because I never heard another word about this friend since we got serious 17 yrs ago. I feel so stupid. Fwiw I have an MBA in finance and work in the field. Fwh says he never did the right thing any time in his life but loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy. Says he's committed to IC and MC. I can go hours and days and be fine but then the magnitude of his lies and deception hit me like a tsunami.

somanyyears posted 9/5/2013 20:37 PM

..

I can go hours and days and be fine but then the magnitude of his lies and deception hit me like a tsunami.

stealing our reality for so many years..then finally learning the truth

..so many wasted years living in a mirage..

what a waste of a life..

smy

LA44 posted 9/5/2013 20:44 PM

((birdy)) 11 years. It made me gasp. I just wanted to say I am so sorry. Find some safe zones to be right now. SI is definitely one of them.

LA

gonnabe2016 posted 9/5/2013 22:06 PM

Said he couldn't live with my unhappiness over where the money went which I kept bringing up

Sorry to be a harpy....but haven't you been asking about this money for....about5 years now????

His deception and his lies SHOULD hit you like a tsunami. He has some very serious issues. He cheated on you for over half of your marriage. He *took* money from you and your kids and gave it to her. $90,000 worth. Honey, you have a seriously legitimate *beef* with this guy.

Crushed1 posted 9/5/2013 22:34 PM

(((Birdy))) We're missing about $17,000 here and it still makes my blood boil to know my H spent most of it on "hush" money/gifts to the fmow over a 2 year period! I also worked and that was OUR money!!! While that is nowhere near $90,000, it was all we had at that time...and we're now suffering as he lost his job last year. I am sorry you're in pain and am angry that he stole that from you and your family!

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/6/2013 08:43 AM

So, he basically p*ssed away a college education for one of your kids (or for both if it's community college).

Unacceptable.

Since he wants to 'make it up to you' and he claims he's never done anything right, here's his chance to make good FINALLY.

Instead of empty words and promises about how wonderful he's going to be from now on, let him actually WORK to prove it to you.

Legally, he STOLE $45,000 from you. That was YOURS, not his OW'S and not HIS, so he needs to get another job and start paying you back.

I'm dead serious.

If he wants to prove how sincere he is at wanting to do whatever it takes to make you happy, then tell him to PROVE it. His words mean nothing.

It's the LEAST he can do. The very LEAST.

Birdy, you don't have to swallow this and you don't have to brush it under the rug. He needs to put some effort into righting the horrific wrongs he's done for years and years.

Hope he enjoys flipping burgers or stocking shelves at WalMart.

Birdy08 posted 9/6/2013 08:54 AM

Gonnabe- yes I have been asking about the money for the last 5 yrs. he originally blamed it on gambling. He even went to GA! I never believed this and every once in a while, usually when we argued about something else, i would bring up the missing money. Fwh says this woman needed him and made him feel like a big shot. Fwiw she could never hold a job and with him supporting her im sure she didnt really try so hard to find one. What especially hurts is he could have broken this off countless times (ie when we got married he excused his no contact on a "vacation") and even up to the end never told her about me, our children, the fact that he had a family over all those 11 yrs. and at the end he has no money and tells her he cant give her any. She goes poof. He said he thought if she got kicked out of her apt she would show up on our doorstep. And he feared telling her about me/kids vecause she would expose him. What a chump he was. And thing is I never thought he would be the type AT ALL. There really is no one type. It's just the sheer magnitude of his deception and the loooong duration of this affair. Like there was always a third person in my marriage and family. Like a ghost in the pictures.

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 08:59 AM

Unfortunately the she needed me and made me feel so good about that is such a very big reason a lot of guys and girls do the A thing. Isn't there a stupid old song about this theme????? Reunited and it feels so good.......god I will never be able to listen to that again!

T