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erzulie posted 9/5/2013 19:09 PM

And lost. Last time, I was unmarried, 34 years old ... I was destroyed for a time, but healed and rebuilt. Even married. Been so happy, coming up on 7th anniversary ...

... he has been on Ashley Madison since 2011, looking for discreet sex. He is caught. I am blindsided. Dumbfounded. Now, I'm 44 years old ... my life is completely different. I am in shock to be back here again.

I have no idea what to do now, or which way is up.

In such agony.

somanyyears posted 9/5/2013 19:16 PM


..

..no-one should ever have to go thru this crap twice..

..so sorry to see a 'repeat customer' here ..

..one positive thought...

'at least you knew where to come for support' ..

..take good care of yourself.

smy

gonnabe2016 posted 9/5/2013 19:22 PM

Erzulie....think about this logically. Isn't AM a *let's cheat* website? It's not as if it were just some dial (900) xxx-xxxx website for sex talk or a legitimate *dating* site where you can just message back/forth and 'bail' if it gets too intense. The odds of your WH being on AM for 2 years and not 'hooking up' with someone are slim to none, IMHO.

I am really sorry that you find yourself here again, but you know the drill.....
{{{hugs}}}

emotionalgirl posted 9/5/2013 19:25 PM

((((Erzulie)))) no one should be here twice. Remember though your life is completely different, you are 44 yrs old not too old to leave the asshat if that is the path you eventually choose. I hope you find your peace.

erzulie posted 9/5/2013 19:59 PM

Yes, it absolutely is a "let's cheat!" website. In addition to him saying he didn't have the courage to "go through with it" - he also said he was "just about to tell me."

We had an appointment on Sept. 14 to meet an adoption counselor. Obviously, I canceled.

I'm not trying to paint him the villain; that doesn't help me. What I'm trying to sort out is - how do I breathe, for starters. How do I put one foot in front of the other, next.

I don't want to become destroyed and lose another 2 years or more of my life. Is there a "get out of infidelity jail free" card somewhere I can draw?

I am so devastated I can barely see the keyboard. My two dogs are looking at me with fright.

I did ask him to NOT come home ...

nowiknow23 posted 9/5/2013 20:08 PM

Oh, honey. I wish there were such a card. I would hand deliver it to your door.

Sending you strength and comfort. Keep breathing. Just worry about breathing right now. The rest will come. ((((erzulie))))

BrokenPieces posted 9/5/2013 20:33 PM

Erzulie,

I remember you sweetie. You are a strong, wonderful woman and even though you are beyond crushed, you WILL make it through this.
Breathe
Drink
Eat
Time

Be ever so gentle with yourself and take care of you.

I am praying for you hon.

Williesmom posted 9/5/2013 20:36 PM

((Erzulie))

I'm so sorry.

SweetheartVixen posted 9/5/2013 20:45 PM

I remember you. I admired you and your posts helped me.

I am so sorry that you are going through this again and in so much pain.

HUGS

jo2love posted 9/5/2013 22:04 PM

(((erzulie)))

I'm so sorry. Sending you strength.

Crushed1 posted 9/5/2013 22:14 PM

((((erzulie)))) I'm so sorry. When I saw the words "I'm back", my heart sank for you.

erzulie posted 9/5/2013 22:18 PM

Thank you ... I don't know what I feel more, impressed, or saddened that some remember me (although I definitely will accept the comfort that provides). I really thought, for years now, that this chapter of my life was behind me.

I took care of this man, made amazing sacrifices in my own time and priorities, to help him through graduate school - for over three years. He graduated, and then went shopping for sex online.

I don't want to be a victim. I want to understand. I want to be empowered. I want to know if I had any hand, ANY hand in responsibility for all of this (I'm not saying I blame myself - just, well, looking to take control of the whole picture, if you will). I want to heal from this. I want to make better decisions. I want to not waste my life. I want to not wake up one morning, and find myself cold, bitter, and unable to trust.

How on Earth do I accomplish any of those things - let alone all of them?

Right now I have zero confidence that I can.

I have two dogs - don't laugh, but here goes. One of them, middle aged, healthy - had him since a pup. The other, a somewhat disabled senior I rescued as a senior. Been taking care of her, helped her beat cancer even. She depends on me now more than ever. I feel like I have to be strong for them. I can't just fall apart, and not be there for what they need.

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

All I ever wanted was to be a loving wife. A good person. A good doggie mom, and someday - a good human mom, too.

Bereft with agony, and trying my best to hide it from my hypersensitive, intuitive dogs.

Failing miserably.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/5/2013 22:20 PM

Shit, EZ. I am so sorry. If I had the awesome power to turn back the hands of time...trust me....I would absolutely do that for you.

Adoption hopes...up in dust. But you don't want to paint him as the villain? Why? It sure as heck sounds as if he deserves it.

You do not have to lose anymore of your life because of this guy.

How do you breathe? For right now....you just *do*. You put one foot in front of the other because....you *have* to. Shit happens and life goes on. Dishes get done, bills get paid, kids have what they need for school.....because those things *need* to happen.

You don't have to put up with anymore of this *cheating* bullshit, erzulie. Take back your power.....

unarmbears posted 9/5/2013 22:27 PM

(((((erzulie)))))) I am so so sorry!

Breathe and drink lots of water. Get some yogurt or a nutritional drink or some ice cream to eat.

No matter what you have been through before, this is now and now you had put your trust in someone. He betrayed that trust.

Keep breathing honey! You will be okay. You don't have to make any decisions right now other than to breathe, eat and try to sleep.

You know you can do this. You feel broken right now, but you are here and we can help support you through this awful mess.

Don't let him gaslight you! He wasn't going to tell you. You found out did you not?

There is villianizing him and then there is the reality of what he has done. He was either intending to or did cheat. He wants you to think he was going to stop. Those are facts.

That's all you need is the facts. It may be a tough realization that this man could do this to you. He chose to do it. It's not like he flirted in the bar over too many drinks. He expended the effort to search online for discrete sex.

You will get through this. Give yourself time to sort through your feelings and your plans. Remember, you are grieving. You will go through feelings of wanting to bargain to feel better, you will be angry, depressed, blame yourself and all those things we do as humans in grief.

Keep posting and remember to breathe.

erzulie posted 9/5/2013 22:31 PM

Here's a sick irony for you.

The article I did - researching trends in Internet Infidelity - is still available in the Healing Library.

Maybe I should read some of my own findings.

Jrazz posted 9/6/2013 00:17 AM

(((erzulie)))

We're here for you. I can't imagine how this feels. Sending hugs.

erzulie posted 9/6/2013 00:23 AM

I'm so sick inside that I cannot sleep or function.

Typhoon of catastrophic thoughts.

My dog is on expensive therapy and chemo medication. How am I going to afford it on my own? I work, but we are definitely a 2 income family.

I am so full of agony, I can't seem to right myself.

I have to go to work in the morning, and face meetings and deadlines. My face looks like a pufferfish.

This cannot be happening again.

Jrazz posted 9/6/2013 00:27 AM

Remember that the agony is acute in the beginning, but it's not always going to feel like this. You just take itsy bitsy steps and we'll help carry you. Step 1 = breathe.

sinsof thefather posted 9/6/2013 01:26 AM

I don't have any words of wisdom but I just want to send you a hug.

(((erzulie)))

Josephine01 posted 9/6/2013 02:04 AM

Oh (((erzulie))) I am so sorry.

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