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If I truly loved you, how could I do this to you?

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duststorm posted 9/5/2013 21:56 PM

If I truly loved you, how could I do this to you?

This is what my WH said to me tonight. We did a time line tonight, which I think may have back fired. He has said he wants the baby (I'm 8 months pregnant), he said he wants our family (we have another child), and he wants the marriage.

Now all of a sudden this is what he is saying.

I said, thank you for being honest with me. Then I started talking that I was 50% of the marriage problems but he was 100% the A. He said it isn't about the OW (she works with him), but it was about him. Funny how she was recently separated from her H. Then he asked me if I wanted him to leave since he wasn't sure he could be 100% committed to me and "he wanted to be fair."

Of course I want him to stay, but what am I supposed to do with this??? I could have a baby at any time. I asked if I needed to worry about him screwing around, which he said no.

Please help me. I don't know what to do. I do appreciate his honesty, but I have to admit it did sting. He said he loved me and I'd always be a part of his life. I said no, we would be transporting kids to visitation and that was it. Is this the start of him taking a look at what he's done? I asked if all the work we'd done up until now was fake? He said no, he was just looking at things.

Now my heart feels broken all over again. Please tell me what to do. My family lives in another state so he's my only source of support. I don't want my kids growing up without their father. I've been busting my butt for this marriage since he's been back.

I hurt so bad. :(

updated to correct typos, trying to type quickly when upset is not my forte.

[This message edited by duststorm at 9:58 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

duststorm posted 9/5/2013 22:10 PM

oh yes, and this was after I got upset with him and accused him of being cold, withdrawn, and self absorbed...all the things he has been.

My heart is just breaking.

lucy17 posted 9/5/2013 23:28 PM

((duststorm))
I have no advice. Are you seeing MC or IC?
Take care of you!

1DumbHusband posted 9/6/2013 02:12 AM

As a FWH trying to earn R myself, my suggestion is to keep your WH on a short leash. Make sure you have access to all things (cell, computer, iPhone, iPad, bank accounts...EVERYTHING) of his. If he is serious about R, then he will give all of these to you. You can lean on him for support given the circumstances, but make sure you are getting the information you need to feel safe. Also, make sure you take care of yourself for the baby. The added stress this puts on you and the baby can't be good either!

GraceisGood posted 9/6/2013 08:01 AM

If I truly loved you, how could I do this to you?

From what I read here it seems that usually it is the BS that asks this question, not the WS, so from that perspective, I find it "odd".

I have no idea of your H's motivation regarding this, only he does, but this question along with this:

Then he asked me if I wanted him to leave since he wasn't sure he could be 100% committed to me and "he wanted to be fair."

seems more like he is talking his way out imo.

This is just my perspective, I could be wrong, so please don't put stock in what I say. He could be just now beginning to get real, and to be honest many WS are not 100 percent commited to the M even though they are physically there, and as a BS it is hard to hear, but the truth is way better than any lie imo. He did say he wants your family and M, but he may just not be fully solidified in that yet, he may be battling himself, (you know the story about the Native American and the wolf? Perhaps his wolves are battling and he is just not sure which one he is going to feed yet).

grace

hopingforhappy posted 9/6/2013 08:49 AM

One thing that my IC told me re the question of whether my FWH loved me during the A is that he did not love me the way I deserved to be loved. Also, I believe that WH's do not love themselves
while they are in the midst of an A, so they really are not capable of loving anyone else.

That being said, is your WH in IC? He really needs to sort himself out. You can't fix this by busting your butt--he needs to bust his butt and IC is the beginning. He is right when he says that this is about him. So what is he going to do about it? Throw up his hands and say this just can't be fixed? Or do the hard work to sort it out?

FWIW, my FWH said a lot of crazy and contradictory stuff in the first few months after I discovered his A. Don't listen to their words, watch their actions.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/6/2013 09:00 AM

If I truly loved you, how could I do this to you?

Uggg....justification in the guise if an "ah ha" moment.

This sounds like a back slide to any work that he's been doing lately, and I would be leary. I am not saying he did, but this kind of thinking is what I had when I was in an EA. I thought i was being all philisophical and smart, when in reality I was just trying to deflect blame.

"How could it REALLY be my fault since there is a chance I may not REALLY have loved you to begin with"...bull.shit.

Of course I want him to stay, but what am I supposed to do with this???

Call him out for what it is. Tell him that that statement is just his way of not taking full responsiblilty for his actions.

Love has nothing to do with it. He made a commitment to you. He made vows - and that commitment and those vows are not just there when you are 'in love' they are there at ALL TIMES.

Cheating on you while married is wrong, no matter how 'out of love' he may have been in, because his other choices could have been to ask for a divorce, get into counsiling, go to a retreat, read some books, ANYTHING other then have an affiar.

Its bull, he's trying to get out of taking all the blame.

hopefullromantic posted 9/6/2013 09:10 AM

I don't know the background of your story, but it sounds to me like he is still in the A. At least his head is.

If I truly loved you, how could I do this to you?

My guess is that he is rationalizing that he must not really love you because now that his AP is free he wants to be free too. He may even be hoping you will do the hard part and kick him out, so he doesn't have to feel like a shmuck for leaving a pregnant wife.

Until he goes NC he is not going to be able to commit to you. He most likely does still love you, but he is still deep in the fog and can't see it. He needs a reality check. You may have to do something drastic like kick him out, or serve papers, or at least do the 180. Until he sees what he is really risking he will continue to fence sit.

He has to know that you will not share him.

(((((duststorm)))))

sparklezombie posted 9/6/2013 11:02 AM

Honestly, it sounds like he has one foot out the door and is trying to get you to push the rest of him out so he doesn't have to make the decision to do it. He's trying to talk his way out. I would open the door wide. If he wants out, let him out. Better that than to find him straying again and go through this all over again.

duststorm posted 9/6/2013 11:54 AM

Thanks everyone for the replies. I tried talking to him today, pointing out where he contradicts himself. He says " I think we will work it out, we will be fine.". I just don't understand how he goes from I want this to how could I love you? He doesn't believe in IC, he has done it once and we've had MC 3 times. I'm trying to do my part, which is me busting my butt. I'm looking at the bigger picture, our child and baby. I feel like he's looking at himself. He says he doesn't have one foot out the door, he's trying to figure it out. So what do I do? I feel like a door mat. I'm pregnant w his child and he's deciding. What threw me was he kept saying "I'm trying to make this work.". The word trying all of a sudden appears to mean I'm trying to decide if I love you.
When I ask him about it, he says I'm nagging. I just feel I can't do anything right.

Undefinabl3 posted 9/6/2013 12:30 PM

I tried talking to him today, pointing out where he contradicts himself. He says " I think we will work it out, we will be fine.". I just don't understand how he goes from I want this to how could I love you?

I did this, before I told XH about the ONS, after when XH wanted to MC and I went a few times.

While it's a good sign that there ARE emotions going on with your WS, the problem is that he's not choosing you. He's waffling trying to figure out what his best option is...you or single/with OW (if she's even still in the picture)

Having these feelings can be confusing and frustrating. Suddenly I was unable to trust my feelings and my ability to make rational choices - since I obviously proved I didnt know how to make them.

He doesn't believe in IC, he has done it once and we've had MC 3 times.

I am willing to bet its because he doesn't want to feel ganged up on, he doesn't want to be the only one that has to change or do work. It would be 2 against one rather then just between the two of you.....and most guys are not a fan of the third party thing.

This would be ok, if he was getting into books, agreeing to retreats or other couple therapy things that doesnt necessarly involve spewing guts to an IC/MC. Since he's not doing any of that, he just is avoiding being told by yet another person what he did wrong.

I'm trying to do my part, which is me busting my butt. I'm looking at the bigger picture, our child and baby. I feel like he's looking at himself. He says he doesn't have one foot out the door, he's trying to figure it out. So what do I do? I feel like a door mat. I'm pregnant w his child and he's deciding. What threw me was he kept saying "I'm trying to make this work.". The word trying all of a sudden appears to mean I'm trying to decide if I love you.
When I ask him about it, he says I'm nagging. I just feel I can't do anything right.

You ALWAYS have a choice. You could ask him to leave while he makes this choice, since you feel like second choice. What if the tables were turned and you were the one 'making the choice'...how would he feel?

You could investigate and start doing the 180 to start to heal yourself.

Start going to IC by yourself, self exploration and self understanding will always make you a better partner, with or without him.

I guess what i am trying to say is, don't wait. Don't let him have the ball in his court to drag on and on. Take control of your life, and if he follows then great, if not then you have your real answer - actions are always more true then words.

Razor posted 9/6/2013 12:37 PM

I asked if I needed to worry about him screwing around, which he said no.

Gently. Do you honestly believe this answer? Suppose the real answer was *yes* In this situ he probably would still say no. IMO there is no way you can trust this answer.

mchercheur posted 9/6/2013 12:40 PM

Honestly, it sounds like he has one foot out the door and is trying to get you to push the rest of him out so he doesn't have to make the decision to do it. He's trying to talk his way out. I would open the door wide. If he wants out, let him out. Better that than to find him straying again and go through this all over again.

I 100% agree with this^^^^^

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/6/2013 14:22 PM

That is exactly what I believe my husband is thinking which is why he doesn't want to be with me anymore even though he isn't with the OW either.

Amber13 posted 9/6/2013 16:44 PM

Please look after yourself you are doing such an important job right now and it requires all of your energy. I don't think it's a time for either of you to be making any decisions when there is a baby about to arrive. I know it's so hard, I went through this when I was pregnant and my emotions were all over the place without the added stress. Concentrate on you and your babies and their pure beautiful love. Be strong.

GraceisGood posted 9/6/2013 17:21 PM

So what do I do? I feel like a door mat

Right now, you just need to take care of yourself, and for a time after the birth as well, just focus on yourself and your kids.

Yet, as said above, you always have a choice. You can put things in motion to be able to take care of yourself and your children should he not prove "stable" enough to stick around fully in a way you deserve. Perhaps going back to school, or slowly getting back into the work force, or if already there, gunning for a promotion or a different department that will meet your needs, and so on.

But for now, just take super good care of yourself and little ones.

Grace

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