"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sad34 posted 9/5/2013 21:59 PM

Did u ever ask what your WS thought of u during the affair?
This is something I'm having a hard time with:(
I get how they have to rationalize the affair by making the BS look awful
He put me down to her, saying I was a whiner, he couldn't orgasm with me, I was loud, nag and a bitch.
I asked him did u really believe those things? I can't look back at those 4 years with such taint!!!! I need something to hold on to!!!
So he tells me he thought I had a great work ethic, awesome mom, I took care of him when he was sick, I kept a perfect house, I excelled at my job. Then it's like WTF if u actually thought those things why cheat on me.
I say what did u think of OW during the affair, well lets just say she's the exact opposite of me!!! But she ego boosted him and fawned all over him

I want to believe he thought those good things about me and those negative about her but his emails and texts speak a different story. I think since being on antidepressants he sees her for what she was and no longer sees me as that nag, bitch. But how do I move on when every memory of those 4 years is now tainted with his then twisted view of me. I'm probably not even making sense lol.
What does everyone's WS say there feelings and thoughts were for u during the affair.

trebleclef posted 9/5/2013 22:22 PM

When I asked WH if he put me down to MOW, he said no. I asked what she thought of me - and he said she thought I was his high-school sweetheart, that I was a great mom and was very talented. He also said that he never wanted to divorce me, and seemed shocked that I would think he might.

Yeah - I had the same irreconcilable thoughts - so, if I was so great, WHY did you have an affair????
crazy-making.

musiclovingmom posted 9/5/2013 22:57 PM

I did ask. He swears he never directly put me down. He did talk about fights we had. All the evidence I see supports this. He says OW#2 used to put me down and he would get up and leave when she did. I absolutely have no logical explanation for his doing that. It still drives me crazy after almost 13 months.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/5/2013 23:21 PM

Oh yes, I asked. In his "pitiful me state", my H poured out his life to the OW. In the hours and hours of time together and phone calls she encouraged him to tell her all his troubles. She used her poor morals and ministry training to get him to open up to her. I think he was honest at first, but as time went on they convinced each other that our marriage was dead. I think the worst lie he told her was that I did not care about him or our marriage. He told her I had my own life, we were living separate lives and I did not care. That hurts. He told everyone else how great I am, but to her, he told her I was a uncaring, cold wife.

They tell each other crap to perpetuate the fantasy. Especially in a EA/PA, they need the attachment and the only way to get outside the marriage emotionally is to tell the big lies about the BS. He had to convince himself I was a failure so he could keep his special girl whore OW in his intimate compartment. I am sure she was happy to hear it, but the lies were for him.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:22 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

TICKED OFF posted 9/5/2013 23:37 PM

My h sold me down the river so badly making me out to look like a bi polar crazed lunatic bitch just to justify his bi-weekly blow jobs with the whore.

But it bit him in the ass because she turned it against him when she went on her two years fatal attraction meltdown that eventually led to 5 false police reports, police investigations, CA hearings, and 3 court appearances. His love of his life slut even ended up dragging his ass into the mix when she filed a false felony police report on him. All of course were thrown out due to her being the real lunatic.

So as it stands, I never had to ask anything because ow had it written down in all of her insane police reports saying that my h told her I was dangerous due to my lunacy. What a fucking joke she made out of him.

At one CA hearing she brought up the fact that my h had told her many things about me. Unfortunately the City Attorney would not let her speak any further. Boy would I have loved to have heard all those bull shit lies and made up stories.

HardenMyHeart posted 9/6/2013 00:02 AM

What does everyone's WS say there feelings and thoughts were for u during the affair.

My FWW thought, what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. You have to remember, many WS's compartmentalize their feelings in such a way that they really are not thinking much about their BS.

But she ego boosted him and fawned all over him

For some WS's, the affair is more about making them feel good about themselves. The emotional need for external validation (admiration) is often a strong motivation for having an affair; especially if a WS is convinced they are no longer getting this from their BS.

So sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

5454real posted 9/6/2013 00:06 AM

"We didn't have a strong marriage" is all she will admit to. Told him she loved him. When he told her she was the one that got away, should have married her, that was all it took.

He started having sex with her when she was 12 or 13. He was 17 or 18.

CSA sucks. The aftereffects are mind boggling.

PollyA posted 9/6/2013 00:51 AM

The OP in my case were about 75 random anonymous men. My H says that it was easy to hook up cause the gay sites were free. OK.

So, I was never a consideration. That's good AND bad!

EZ24get posted 9/6/2013 02:12 AM

((sad34))

The way that I made any sense of how I was treated, and therefore likely spoken of in the same dis-regard, is that, due to the lack of self-respecton the part of WH,(..not to mention OW,...), I simply became the true friend...really loved him and was the reflection of who he wanted to be but, was yet to ... I reminded him that he was not living his fullest potential, knowing who he truly is.
I became the projected 'fire' he was trying to avoid having to hold his own feet to...so to speak...

OW, was the insta-gratification... She got to be the projection of all the good and grand that he knew, and wanted, himself to be...

a.k.a The Bullshitter...as, he too, was for her.

Sad really. The chosen way to be better, became the corner-cutting, half-assed path that, ultimately, left me the one leveled, while, amongst other things, ego's were stroked with such telling lies.
I was actually told, by the OW who, by the way, was fronting friendship my way AND living with us due to her own marriage having just introduced her to betrayal,..that I, was an " asshole for breaking WH heart "

...yeah... because I adored him so,...

Hopefully I have made some sort of sense, in trying to give what I have come to grips with,..at least in this particular shittle of the whole storm.

StepAside posted 9/6/2013 07:28 AM

I didn't have to ask, I saw enough of the texts/emails to know that there was a script he used over and over, how and when he ‘thought’ of me: He was the victim of a marriage gone bad, poor muffin, and the OW's were treated to his various perceived injustices hurled at him by his nasty controlling and unstable wife (hang on, I have to wipe away this single tear of sympathy) and so his LTA revolved around me really. Their plans for the future, their hookups in the afternoon at the cheap motels…on the park bench (yes in a public place)…in the back seat of the family station wagon in a parking lot, in our house. I wonder if ditchpig ever figured out that while she tried to valiantly to 'help' him with his issues (gosh, all the effort that went into the fellatio-therapy she enthusiastically provided) couldn’t even help take his mind off of me during the act…I asked him once if it was all about getting his dick sucked, his response was along the lines of “I didn’t like to *look* at her….you’ve seen what she looks like.

/insert short rant
yeah f*cker I know what she looked like in various stages of undress and poses and how she looked with your c*ck in her mouth. F*cking awesome.
/end rant

Now he concedes that it was a f*cked up perception and twisting of reality seen through his "shit coloured glasses", that it really was a big old f*ck you intended to 'show me' So I can see that many WS's really do compartmentalize and they two lives do not cross...not in our case though. Not sure how special that is.

Jane get me off this crazy train.

tushnurse posted 9/6/2013 07:48 AM

Yes I did ask.
I was told that he never talked bad about me to her, which I felt was BS since during I couldn't do one damn thing right. I mean he would tell me I was a horrible housekeeper, and a bad mom because I fed the kids hamburger helper for dinner after working an 11 hour day....

I'm not sure what he said, and after the initial dday conversation abou this I thought it didn't really matter, they were both so F'd up in their heads they had to justify what they were doing on whatever level they could.

The thing that really really really pissed me off, and made me go kinda crazy was the fact that he had talked to her about OUR children, and had even shown her pictures of OUR children. Lets just say I had a true Momma Bear Moment.

Now I know none of it mattered really. Who cares what that lying cheating worthless hag thought of me. I am awesome, was awesome, and will always be awesome, and she has to be jealous of what an awesome life I have.
(btw it took about a year for met to get to this point).

hopingforhappy posted 9/6/2013 08:23 AM

FWH insisted that he never talked about me at all, despite OW's constant questions about me. He still hasn't been able to explain how she knew so much about me (I have seen the e-mails). She must be psychic (I do know that she is psycho!)

catlover50 posted 9/6/2013 08:51 AM

My H did not pretend to be emotionally involved with his "crazy one" and apparently neither did she. They talked about work mostly and she needed a shitload of mentoring, poor thing. All he will admit to is that at the beginning he let her assume he was unhappily married, although never spoke of me, his family or his M. When I pressed him on the exact conversations, he just said that he assumed that a woman would assume a man who would sleep with her was unhappily married (you would now, wouldn't you--in truth he considered himself very happily married!!). He didn't even know where her husband was when he would go to her house, when her divorce was final, who her friends were, anything.

As she got crazier and would weep when he would leave after only a quick screw he did admit that he would lie and say that he wished he didn't have to go. That's it.

As the crazy grew he had to tell her in no uncertain terms that he loved me and his family and would never leave. She tried to claim that she left her H for him and he shot that down too.

They basically never talked emotions or even mentioned the sex out loud.

Weird, huh? That he would risk everything for that? Yeah.

ETA; she knew me, knew me and our family. No secrets there. And I'm awesome (if I do say so myself!) I don't think even she thought she could compare. He certainly didn't; knew he was "affairing down" the whole time.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:53 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 9/6/2013 09:13 AM

I have a great example of this exact thing to show just how much of what they say to AP is complete bull compared to what really is going on.

Our kids have folded their own clothes since they were about 7 years old. It's a nice small chore that they could do early on to help contribute to the household. No big deal.

One night while I was sorting the finished laundry, H asked is his clothes for work were washed yet. I told him I did all the laundry, and his clothes weren't in there. He is annoyed at me because his clothes were on the floor on his side of the bed and I didn't walk around the bed to get them. (His side of the bed was farthest from the door and laundry hamper, I have no reason to walk to that side of the room ever.) Anyway, I let him know that I am happy to do his laundry and take care of things around the house, but he has to put his clothes in the hamper. Not a big deal.

He gets online later that night and emails his quazi-EA that night and just blows a gasket! He is telling her how awful I am, how I'm controlling and lazy and don't do any housework. He says that "she's so lazy, she actually makes our kids fold their own clothes, what kind of a mother does that?" and goes on to say "F*#* HER!!!" about me. Wow, all because he didn't put his own clothes in the hamper on laundry day.

He didn't say ANY of that stuff to me, he didn't even seem that annoyed when we were talking about it. I never raised my voice, neither did he, but the way he talked to his AP, you would think that I chased him around the house with a bullhorn screaming at him about it.

They vilify us to the AP to make them feel more justified in what they are doing. They also vilify us to gain sympathy from AP and so AP wants to "make it all better" in whatever way they think AP will (sex).

Weird thing about the above mentioned scene.... H and I NEVER disagreed or had words with each other about anything before DDay, so this was the heaviest "argument" we had ever had, so I remembered it vividly. I also got to read H's email to AP almost a year later and knew exactly what he was talking about because that night stuck out in my head, even though it was just a conversation and nothing more between us. And H has loaded the kids with MANY chores since then in an effort to "teach them how to be responsible"... I guess that means I can whine to someone about it and let them into my pants? Of course not, but you get my point.

RyeBread posted 9/6/2013 09:16 AM

I never asked. In my mind I have come to accept that STBXWW must of thought the worst of me. Matter of fact I knew she was unhappy. I did everything I could to make her happy. I just couldn't do enough I guess.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 9:20 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

SecondHelping posted 9/6/2013 10:27 AM

He swears he never directly put me down. He did talk about fights we had. All the evidence I see supports this. He says OW#2 used to put me down . It still drives me crazy after almost 13 months.

This is what I'm led to believe too.

hopefullromantic posted 9/6/2013 10:56 AM

My H insisted he never said anything bad about me to her and would actually defend me to her. He had his own personal slant on interactions between us though, which she would use to try and manipulate him against me. That eventually helped him to start to see her differently.

What I do know is that during the period of false R, when I still didn't know the full extent of the A, or that it was still going on, he made some of his ugliest comments to me. He later denied they were true, but I believe they were his truth at the time, because of his guilt.

tearingaway posted 9/6/2013 13:59 PM

WW says that she didn't think poorly of me or speak badly about me to mOM.

When I talked with mOM, he told me that my WW said that I worked too many hours and that I wasn't there for her (which was simply not true). Of course, he was right there to help her through that difficulty.

My WW told me that she loved me during her A and that her love never diminished. Of course, it's all absolute crap! An A is anti-love for one's BS. Others will disagree, but the WS does not love the BS while he/she is boinking the AP.

I am always skeptical to hear stories of the WS speaking so highly of the BS to the AP. I think the WS says what he or she needs to say to get into somebody else's pants. When D-Day comes around, the story told to the BS is crafted to fit the WS's needs at that moment in time.

Razor posted 9/6/2013 14:05 PM

IMO this is a no-win question. You can not trust the answer and there is no way to check to see if the answer is true or not.

Of course our WS will lie. In their head they will have the most noble of motives for lying. *they dont want to hurt you*

If not hurting us was truly important then they would not have had the LTA in the first place.

Believe actions not words. Was cheating on you the act of a loving person? Or was it an act of the opposite?

IMO this question is pointless. We already know the answer. And all we will get from our WS are lies.

mchercheur posted 9/6/2013 14:14 PM

For months leading up to WH's PA, he complained about me to OW---daily reported to her that I was "angry at him again."

Maybe I had a good reason to be angry----like that he was NEVER home, & I felt like a single working parent.

What also really gets me is how , after Dday, he told anyone who would listen ( his friends/family) a long list of my faults (I did not keep the house like a magazine, I didn't wear makeup enough, etc.) which "drove him to go elsewhere."
To this day, I don't want to be around any of those people.