Yeah - I had the same irreconcilable thoughts - so, if I was so great, WHY did you have an affair????
They tell each other crap to perpetuate the fantasy. Especially in a EA/PA, they need the attachment and the only way to get outside the marriage emotionally is to tell the big lies about the BS. He had to convince himself I was a failure so he could keep his special girl whore OW in his intimate compartment. I am sure she was happy to hear it, but the lies were for him.
[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:22 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
But it bit him in the ass because she turned it against him when she went on her two years fatal attraction meltdown that eventually led to 5 false police reports, police investigations, CA hearings, and 3 court appearances. His love of his life slut even ended up dragging his ass into the mix when she filed a false felony police report on him. All of course were thrown out due to her being the real lunatic.
So as it stands, I never had to ask anything because ow had it written down in all of her insane police reports saying that my h told her I was dangerous due to my lunacy. What a fucking joke she made out of him.
At one CA hearing she brought up the fact that my h had told her many things about me. Unfortunately the City Attorney would not let her speak any further. Boy would I have loved to have heard all those bull shit lies and made up stories.
What does everyone's WS say there feelings and thoughts were for u during the affair.
My FWW thought, what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. You have to remember, many WS's compartmentalize their feelings in such a way that they really are not thinking much about their BS.
But she ego boosted him and fawned all over him
So sorry for what you are going through.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
He started having sex with her when she was 12 or 13. He was 17 or 18.
CSA sucks. The aftereffects are mind boggling.
So, I was never a consideration. That's good AND bad!
The way that I made any sense of how I was treated, and therefore likely spoken of in the same dis-regard, is that, due to the lack of self-respecton the part of WH,(..not to mention OW,...), I simply became the true friend...really loved him and was the reflection of who he wanted to be but, was yet to ... I reminded him that he was not living his fullest potential, knowing who he truly is.
I became the projected 'fire' he was trying to avoid having to hold his own feet to...so to speak...
OW, was the insta-gratification... She got to be the projection of all the good and grand that he knew, and wanted, himself to be...
a.k.a The Bullshitter...as, he too, was for her.
Sad really. The chosen way to be better, became the corner-cutting, half-assed path that, ultimately, left me the one leveled, while, amongst other things, ego's were stroked with such telling lies.
I was actually told, by the OW who, by the way, was fronting friendship my way AND living with us due to her own marriage having just introduced her to betrayal,..that I, was an " asshole for breaking WH heart "
...yeah... because I adored him so,...
Hopefully I have made some sort of sense, in trying to give what I have come to grips with,..at least in this particular shittle of the whole storm.
BW~ me 38
CH~ he 39
20 years on 12/12/12
2 kiddos~ 16&19
/insert short rant
yeah f*cker I know what she looked like in various stages of undress and poses and how she looked with your c*ck in her mouth. F*cking awesome.
Now he concedes that it was a f*cked up perception and twisting of reality seen through his "shit coloured glasses", that it really was a big old f*ck you intended to 'show me' So I can see that many WS's really do compartmentalize and they two lives do not cross...not in our case though. Not sure how special that is.
Jane get me off this crazy train.
I'm not sure what he said, and after the initial dday conversation abou this I thought it didn't really matter, they were both so F'd up in their heads they had to justify what they were doing on whatever level they could.
The thing that really really really pissed me off, and made me go kinda crazy was the fact that he had talked to her about OUR children, and had even shown her pictures of OUR children. Lets just say I had a true Momma Bear Moment.
Now I know none of it mattered really. Who cares what that lying cheating worthless hag thought of me. I am awesome, was awesome, and will always be awesome, and she has to be jealous of what an awesome life I have.
(btw it took about a year for met to get to this point).
As she got crazier and would weep when he would leave after only a quick screw he did admit that he would lie and say that he wished he didn't have to go. That's it.
As the crazy grew he had to tell her in no uncertain terms that he loved me and his family and would never leave. She tried to claim that she left her H for him and he shot that down too.
They basically never talked emotions or even mentioned the sex out loud.
Weird, huh? That he would risk everything for that? Yeah.
ETA; she knew me, knew me and our family. No secrets there. And I'm awesome (if I do say so myself!) I don't think even she thought she could compare. He certainly didn't; knew he was "affairing down" the whole time.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:53 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
Our kids have folded their own clothes since they were about 7 years old. It's a nice small chore that they could do early on to help contribute to the household. No big deal.
One night while I was sorting the finished laundry, H asked is his clothes for work were washed yet. I told him I did all the laundry, and his clothes weren't in there. He is annoyed at me because his clothes were on the floor on his side of the bed and I didn't walk around the bed to get them. (His side of the bed was farthest from the door and laundry hamper, I have no reason to walk to that side of the room ever.) Anyway, I let him know that I am happy to do his laundry and take care of things around the house, but he has to put his clothes in the hamper. Not a big deal.
He gets online later that night and emails his quazi-EA that night and just blows a gasket! He is telling her how awful I am, how I'm controlling and lazy and don't do any housework. He says that "she's so lazy, she actually makes our kids fold their own clothes, what kind of a mother does that?" and goes on to say "F*#* HER!!!" about me. Wow, all because he didn't put his own clothes in the hamper on laundry day.
He didn't say ANY of that stuff to me, he didn't even seem that annoyed when we were talking about it. I never raised my voice, neither did he, but the way he talked to his AP, you would think that I chased him around the house with a bullhorn screaming at him about it.
They vilify us to the AP to make them feel more justified in what they are doing. They also vilify us to gain sympathy from AP and so AP wants to "make it all better" in whatever way they think AP will (sex).
Weird thing about the above mentioned scene.... H and I NEVER disagreed or had words with each other about anything before DDay, so this was the heaviest "argument" we had ever had, so I remembered it vividly. I also got to read H's email to AP almost a year later and knew exactly what he was talking about because that night stuck out in my head, even though it was just a conversation and nothing more between us. And H has loaded the kids with MANY chores since then in an effort to "teach them how to be responsible"... I guess that means I can whine to someone about it and let them into my pants? Of course not, but you get my point.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 9:20 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
He swears he never directly put me down. He did talk about fights we had. All the evidence I see supports this. He says OW#2 used to put me down . It still drives me crazy after almost 13 months.
This is what I'm led to believe too.
What I do know is that during the period of false R, when I still didn't know the full extent of the A, or that it was still going on, he made some of his ugliest comments to me. He later denied they were true, but I believe they were his truth at the time, because of his guilt.
When I talked with mOM, he told me that my WW said that I worked too many hours and that I wasn't there for her (which was simply not true). Of course, he was right there to help her through that difficulty.
My WW told me that she loved me during her A and that her love never diminished. Of course, it's all absolute crap! An A is anti-love for one's BS. Others will disagree, but the WS does not love the BS while he/she is boinking the AP.
I am always skeptical to hear stories of the WS speaking so highly of the BS to the AP. I think the WS says what he or she needs to say to get into somebody else's pants. When D-Day comes around, the story told to the BS is crafted to fit the WS's needs at that moment in time.
Of course our WS will lie. In their head they will have the most noble of motives for lying. *they dont want to hurt you*
If not hurting us was truly important then they would not have had the LTA in the first place.
Believe actions not words. Was cheating on you the act of a loving person? Or was it an act of the opposite?
IMO this question is pointless. We already know the answer. And all we will get from our WS are lies.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Maybe I had a good reason to be angry----like that he was NEVER home, & I felt like a single working parent.
What also really gets me is how , after Dday, he told anyone who would listen ( his friends/family) a long list of my faults (I did not keep the house like a magazine, I didn't wear makeup enough, etc.) which "drove him to go elsewhere."
To this day, I don't want to be around any of those people.