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Stupid triggers

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Crescita posted 9/6/2013 00:01 AM

Yesterday SO went to a female friend's home to fix her mom's computer. Didn't get home til 7:30 and showered straight away. Ok fine he let me know where he was and when he left. Tonight he has class, 5 minutes away. Class runs til 9 but he is usually home sooner. Texts at 9:40 saying he will be home late. Not when or why. Tiggering like crazy. Now it is 10 and he says he is on his way.

I don't think he is cheating, I just don't like it.

gardenparty posted 9/6/2013 08:08 AM

Sucks eh. Sounds stupid but when I trigger bad over something like this I clean my house. It's either clean or sit there imagining all kinds of horrible stuff so cleaning is by far the better of the 2 options for me. Do you have something that you can do to get your mind off it?

SeanFLA posted 9/6/2013 08:12 AM

I think you should have a non-threatening conversation about your feelings with him. I'm assuming he knows quite a bit about your past. Just make sure you don't direct any kind of suspicion-threatening blame towards him...KWIM? Remember that people who have not been through this generally don't understand how things can run away in your head.

jennie160 posted 9/6/2013 08:54 AM

That would make me trigger too. I would try to casually ask him why his class went later. Something like "You guys must have a really intense project/test coming up? Is there anything I can help you with?" and see what his response is.

I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it yet, but if you keep having these triggers I would have the sit down talk that SeanFLA suggested.

Crescita posted 9/6/2013 11:30 AM

Well we did have a little talk when he got home, new teacher, too enthusiastic and ran late. Fears allayed. I just have a hard time adjusting to a break in routine. He was actually a little giddy that I was jealous. Apparently that is new for him. I told him I found it disconcerting that I wasn’t more secure. My mind shouldn’t go there. He understood, but we are going to have to work on the schedule communication thing. He tends to take for granted that people know his schedule as well as he does. I get routine, but I don’t get his syllabus.

little turtle posted 9/6/2013 12:10 PM

I went through some similar things with SO. For example, sometimes he works until 10pm. I expect him to be home by 10:15-10:20, 10:30 at the latest! There are times where he strolls in at 10:45 or 11... It's always something innocent - he stopped by his parents, work took longer to close, stopped to get food, whatever. Sometimes he'll text me when he's leaving work so I'll have a better idea when to expect him. Anyway, he's still almost always late, but my mind has completely stopped "going there."

I'm working on lowering my timing expectations and he's working on communicating more often.

I'm glad you guys talked about it right away. Keep talking about things and working through triggers together. He won't know if you don't tell him.

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