Hmmm. . . I guess that is a good strategy---providing all kinds of reasons (excuses?) for their infidelity. I think perhaps my ex wrote the book on it. Trial lawyer that is was, he could make a very convincing argument, saying things like,
"YOU are controlling, impossible to please, never want to have sex, spend too much money, never want to travel or leave the kids, don't wear enough make-up and think your work is more important than mine."
And there's some truth in all of that--which is always why those kinds of statements make us think that were the CAUSE of their cheating behavior. But then I remember:
1. he told me a week after our wedding that one of his old girlfriends (who was invited, by him) told him ours was the only wedding she ever went to where the groom was prettier than the bride;
2. When I got home from the hospital after having our first child he made the unilateral decision to leave his salaried job with the county and go into private practice. No salary, no benefits, no security which put all the pressure on me to keep my job which had all of those things.
3. That private practice allowed him total and complete free time to screw any and everybody he wanted. Plus I never had any idea how much money he made. The money he accused me of spending paid the bills that my job didn't cover.
4. I neglected doing things for myself or buying things for myself so my girls could have what they needed. Plus I was busy going to grad school which he has pushed me to do.
His first AP (that I knew about) wore enough make-up for five women, had a fake tan, fake breasts, fake nails and barely graduated from high school.
5. The first time we separated he told me on our 14th wedding anniversary. Then he asked me to go with him to help him find an apartment.
6. Even after repeated phone calls to our home, some of which were answered by our daughters, about his cheating and many other suspicious behaviors, and even when I said--"hey--I get it--you want out, just say so," he refused to admit to doing anything wrong, said people were just "out to hurt him because of his position" and said he did not want to file for divorce. The worst of this went on for TWO years. When I finally caught him I kicked him out and the divorce was final 60 days later.
Did I so some things wrong? Probably, but everything I did was usually in response to the way he treated me or our girls, which I tolerated for far too long, thinking he was just "damaged" by a bad FOO and that he eventually would come around.
That's 25 years of my life I'll never get back. Hell, people get less time for murder or bank robbery. Whatever he says or thinks I did or whatever I might have actually done is nothing compared to what he did to me and our family.