The early days after discovering a betrayal of this magnitude are an absolute whirl of pain, anger, sadness, and disbelief. That is all perfectly "normal" for where you are. We call this the rollercoaster. It will get better with time, but for now, you need to practice some self-care to get you through this in a healthy way.
Drink plenty of water and eat something, even if you don't feel like it.
Try to get regular sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, please discuss this with your doctor so you can get some assistance. You will not be able to care for yourself or your children if you are not getting sufficient sleep.
Get your body moving in some way - walking, running, riding a bike, going up and down stairs - whatever works for you and your schedule. The endorphins from exercise will help with your emotional state and with relieving some of the stress and anxiety.
Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper lefthand corner of your screen in the yellow box.
Keep posting. There's always someone here for you.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I'm so so sorry you are hurting like this. People who cheat really don't comprehend the devastation of their affair when it's revealed. Read the healing library please
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
It takes a very very emotionally detached person to cheat on their pregnant wife. He needs to figure out why he did this. You can not fix him.
He is not the person you thought he was period.
You do not have to make any decisions today about whether to stay married or not. Take care of you.
Drink tons of water eat well and exercise. I exercised to go to sleep from exhaustion.
Go see a lawyer know your legal rights be prepared.
Go to your doctor and get STD test done. Protect yourself.
Set yourself an appointment with a individual counselor. Also make sure they specialize in infidelity and trauma.
I would ask him to go too marriage counseling. Whether you stay together or not it will help you thru the healing process.
Come here and vent. Try not to have your thoughts on him and the affair every minute of the day.
I am truly sorry you are here at a time that brings a family such joy. But remember it does not have to be the end. You hold all the answers to that question. It is ok whether you stay married or divorce whatever your decision you will get support here.
Whether she succeeds or not is largely up to your WH. Watch his actions, see how he handles this. He needs to write a NC letter (with your input) and send it immediately. It takes a special kind of crazy woman to show up on your doorstep like that, so hopefully he had learned a lot about her. She probably will not give up easily. Make sure he is being transparent with his phone, computer, etc. Block her phone number and e-mail address.
You do not have to make any decisions right now. Take care of yourself and your beautiful son. Get an appointment with your doctor to be checked for STD's and to get some meds to help you sleep--you will probably need them. Also, IC for you and your WH. Post here as often as you need and read the Healing Library. SI has been a life saver for me, I hope it will be for you, too.
Please find a counselor ASAP to help guide you in person through this and assist you with ways to cope (breathing exercises, meditation, etc.). Find a safe friend or family member in whom to confide.
Don't make any decisions now except for things like what to eat for breakfast and when to take a shower. Major decisions should be put off until you are in a more rational, calm frame of mind.
Be mindful of what advice is given to you by family/friends. Although they have the best intentions, they also have their own agenda. You will be surprised what people will say! My older brother, who is the most conservative, "do the right thing"-type of person wants me to divorce my H (6 months ago I found out he had a 2.5 year affair).
The fact that she showed up on your doorstep is a good indication that the affair has ended (she's probably pissed at him). But be aware, he may be inclined to take this underground.
Get a copy of the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair." It will be helpful to BOTH of you.
Make arrangements to see a marriage counselor together. Recovering from an affair is a long process, even in the "best" of circumstances (i.e. two willing parties who are ready to rebuild).
He needs to get his ass on the phone asap, and find an IC. Then the two of you should find a MC. Don't make any decisions right now, just try to breathe. He needs to draft a NC letter with you, and send it *with you there*. Hand over all passwords, all cell phones. Show he is transparent, and that he gets it.
I am so sorry that crazy bi*&h showed up at your house. Hang in there.
So sorry you've found our little club. It's a horrible experience and one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I agree with other posts. He needs to send her a No Contact letter. He needs to state he is never going to contact her again and she is never to contact him, through any medium, ever again.
Because she already showed up on your doorstep, I would make it clear in the letter that if she ever shows up at your house again you will call the police.
Then send the letter via certified mail so she has to sign for it. This will give you proof that she received the letter so if she does ever show up you can prove she was told NOT to.
She's crazy (they all are to some degree) but the 1:00 am thing sounds like maybe she was in an altered state? And I won't even get into the coffee idea...
He also should give you all passwords to any accounts. Access to his phone - 100% transparency. Make him write out a timeline of how this started and what went on right up until two days ago.
Lastly, get yourself to a therapist and get some sleep meds if you can; they *will* help. I'm 7 months out and waited two months before I sought help and wish I had gone the week I found out. I'm on Zoloft and Klonopin now and it has been a huge help with anxiety and sleep.
I could have written your post about the plumber 7 months ago. I was in the exact same state, but I didn't have an 8 month old at home and I can not imagine going through this with a baby. I found I couldn't eat, but I could stomach liquids so my IC suggested I keep Ensure on hand, make smoothies with protein powder added, and drink lots of water.
Big hugs to you. Please keep reading and posting and know you're, unfortunately, not alone.
You do not have to check up on your WH, you just need to know that he is willing for you to do that, if you want to. So transparency and giving passwords, etc. is more about his willingness to allow you to check on him (showing he has nothing to hide), less about you being the insecure wife. Ask for that--insist on it. It helps to build back trust.
You are doing great, keep it up!
But, you did not engage her and that is good, you did not become hysterical, you just took what she gave you and closed the door in her face. That was perfect. Really, the less drama the better--she was looking for drama. She will continue to look for drama, that is why NC is so effective. Do not feed the beast.
What she really wanted was for you to throw your WH out so she could have him and that did not happen either (at least not yet!) I told my FWH on Dday to go be with her if that was what he wanted. He is still here. We have been through a lot of pain and tears and arguments and therapy and HB and. . . .we are still working on it, every day. It is not easy, but if your WH is willing to do the work and you are willing to give the gift of R (an A is a dealbreaker for some and that is ok), then you can make your M work again. It will be the most difficult thing that you ever do, but you will find out a lot about yourself in the process and you will discover strength you never knew you had. I can tell you are strong from your posts so far. You may not believe it right now, but whatever you decide about your WH, you will be fine. Better than fine, you will be fabulous.
he had suggested he needed to meet her to end it
he still wanted to "treat her fairly"
I too told my FWH to leave on DDay and he immediately snapped out of the fog. Similar to hopingforhappy, he told me she was unstable (duh) and he was concerned.
Here's what I said to my FWH when he expressed concern about "ending it properly":
"This woman set out on a mission for your children to lose their Father, for me to lose my Husband and my family as I know it, and our children to grow up in a broken home. She wanted YOU to lose your children and family you idiot! Does that sound like a nice person to you? And if you care one iota about her now, then get the hell out. Go be with her, be happy, you deserve each other."
That seemed to turn the switch to "off" with my FWH's fog.
He then begged me not to throw him out, went NC, and we wrote a NC letter for her together. He totally woke up and realized the intensity of what he had done and risked.
At 7 months we've had our ups and downs but we're both in IC and MC and we're trying to move forward with R. It's not easy. It's still hard to wake up every day and realize this is my life, but he's coming to terms with a lot of FOO issues and I'm hopeful we'll make it.
But you can't R until he is fully aware of how damaging his actions have been to you and your family. He needs to realize he put your marriage and your health at risk. Then he needs to figure out why he was capable of doing this because it had absolutely *nothing* to do with you.
Also, recognize that part of this is that she probably felt so flattered that a married man would risk his marriage and family for HER. That was part of the HIGH for her. Now that he isn't, she wants revenge on him.
Take care of yourself, the nightmares will slowly go away, and another emotion will take its place. Sadness, anger - the post above is correct, it is a rollercoaster. I wish for all of us we never had to take this ride.
Be careful of the OW intentions. What was she trying to accomplish by letting you know? She is selfish -proven by her actions- so I wonder, if your WH wasn't taking action to end the marriage after making her promises and pushing back deadlines, maybe she thought by revealing it to you, that you would end the marriage. That is the OW ultimate goal. Do not make it easy for her. My mom told me, make it hard for both of them, do not hand him over on a silver platter to OW.
Hugs to you, and you are stronger than you know. Ditto the healing library, better than some books I bought. Take care of yourself.
It is very common for new BS's to feel stupid. I understand..I did too. But..why do you feel stupid? You loved and trusted your husband..you *should be* able to trust your husband.
Do not feel foolish because you trusted..he is the fool who betrayed that trust.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm glad to see you posting, honey. How are you doing with the self-care?