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homewrecked2011 posted 9/6/2013 07:58 AM

I am starting to see how my XH affair got started.

I work with a guy. He always sits with me at break (only one table in break room). He has started telling me what he doesn't like about his wife.

Sigh,,,,

IF I were an immature person - or flawed like many waywards, this would probably develop into an affair. 2 people sharing what they DON"T like about their spouses -- while the spouses are at home or working thinking there are some issues that need to be resolved, but unaware this sharing of personal information is going on.

Thank God I am emotionally an adult and I told this guy he needs to talk to his wife about his disappointments so that they can be fixed and maybe their marriage can survive. I think the flawed person doesn't see anything wrong with sharing this info, believes their spouse doesn't care, and is ready to "try on" new relationships to see what is working before they break up with their current spouse because these immature/selfish people don't want to be alone.

I realized after the conversation yesterday what everyone on here has told me over and over regarding my XWH> It really has NOTHING to do with me. He is broken, just like the married man talking to me at break.

This revelation made me feel better, hope it helps someone else out there...

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Ellephantastic posted 9/6/2013 08:00 AM

Feel so sorry for that man's wife, poor woman!

2oldforthis posted 9/6/2013 08:42 AM

I think people think that having that type of conversation is so innocent. But it is the start.

I have a female friend who worked in an office with a guy. They started to talk about their S with each other. Then the guy would say to her that he would never treat her like that, blah, blah, blah. Well of course in time he feel in love with her. He announced it to her and to his wife. My friend claims to be in shock about this and tells her husband. She is crying. Ends up quiting her job. It puts a hugh stain in their marriage.

My point, come on, didn't you see those blurred lines. I think no because like so many others she was likeing the attention.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 8:43 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 08:54 AM

2OLD....well stated. I have come to the same conclusion. And I don't even think my husband gets it yet but he will. He has already told me he had no idea what an EA was when I brought it up. That shocked me to death. I have always been so much more grounded then him and have seen EA's around me all my life. That's why I never left him alone at parties......very sad that the world is a mine field most days we just don't connect the dots until it is too late.

Homewrecked....good on you for speaking up. I too can't stand any sign of weakness coming from people anymore. I say the exact same thing you do and in a very direct way. I think it is the directness and my passion behind it that lets them know on no uncertain terms I know what I am talking about. I can sense infidelity now and do not tolerate it in any form.

T

cuppacoffee posted 9/6/2013 09:02 AM

i totally agree.

they go out and fish until they find someone who agrees with their side of the story and then bam they are so in love because the person "gets them and gives them attention."

The shit gets real when they start leaving dirty socks on the ground and the ugly parts they tried to hide shine through.

Because obviously the problem you are having with your spouse can be fixed by talking to someone else instead to spouse. SMH

I just don't get why people can't be grown ups sometimes. Like seriously fools.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/6/2013 16:11 PM

Sometimes I think the affair ends after a couple of years because they realize the only thing they had in common was how "awful" they were treated at home. Then, they have the same issues with this partner, never realizing that they are the ones so broken...

I don't mean to generalize, I totally think this is the deal with my XWH, and I could have forgiven him the affair, but not the horrid way he has treated me since. Moving on,,,,,

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:12 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

womaninflux posted 9/6/2013 16:26 PM

I'm pretty sure my SAWH's POA (person of addiction) just wanted to pretend he was a hot piece of single ass in the city. He said she never wanted to hear about his family life. Said she "didn't want to be a home wrecker" yet when he finally, 7 weeks after DD, ended it, cried and said she felt like she had wasted 2.5 years on him. Only an immature idiot has a mind that thinks like this. And obviously, my SAWH is also immature. I think he thinks like a 10 year old boy.

Reality posted 9/6/2013 17:03 PM

they go out and fish until they find someone who agrees with their side of the story and then bam they are so in love because the person "gets them and gives them attention."

Wow, Cup, exactly. Well said.

I think one thing that tweaked my WH's ego hugely during this past DD was the OW(s) siding with me once they, well, learned of my existence. Once they knew he was married, he tried to play it that I was controlling and spinning the truth to make him look bad. Watching the main OW rip into him over his priorities and lack of character saved my sanity for several days afterwards. The other OW(s) refused to even speak to him. Subtle vindication in the situation, but still, it helped. All the women were nice women who talked about how they were unhappy in how imbalanced their lives currently were, immersed in on-line communities and games to the exclusion of other parts of their lives. It was sad. I felt sad for them. Despite us being similar ages, they sounded... young and lost.

In the end, WH sought them out because of that, took advantage of it, played his odious alter ego, and came off looking exactly as immature, self serving, and shallow as he behaved.

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 17:06 PM

Very good thread. It is sad that we just dont like to own up to our own shit. Sad, very sad.

T

RidingHealingRd posted 9/6/2013 22:51 PM

I would say that he is testing the waters and priming for an affair....just another asshole.

tulie posted 9/17/2013 17:15 PM

This thread hit home. I'm going through a divorce now. Got married in July 2012 after dating nearly 4 years. I found out I was pregnant 2 months later.

Apparently, my STBXH decided to turn to his coworker ab our relationship...who incidentally got ordained to serve as our WEDDING OFFICIANT. Yup. The woman married us. She was also my friend...who I turned to about things from time to time, as girlfriends do. Well, I guess she wasn't happy with her (now ex) H and cheated with my H. She left her EX for my H, and he left me when I was 5mo pregnant after months of gaslighting me.

None of it makes sense. We were newlyweds. They are now together in another state. I moved to be close to family and have my baby (now nearly 4-months old). He was outed by a friend and has the nerve to be angry with me. It's all sad and sickening.

I don't know how someone you love so much could do something so terrible. Now he is a father-figure her 2 kids and my son is fatherless. He is openly still with her and they seem "happy."

I am over wanting my STBX back, but I wonder ...could this awful abomination of a relationship last? I don't want my baby around this awful woman. I know they are "broken," Homewrecked, but it doesn't make me feel better right now.

He also says he is "sorry," but is he really as long as he is with her?

Simple posted 9/17/2013 18:01 PM

My mother said it right: "The other woman is so wonderful until she started acting like a wife."

Spelljean posted 9/17/2013 19:04 PM

I agree with the "until she starts acting like a wife" (or husband)

That I think, is where it falls apart and a WS discovers that the grass isn't really greener.

It was where my WH and OW started to fall apart. OW was sure to inject enough compliments in the mix though, so he would stay interested. But even that didn't last long.

OW talks of love like she's 15. WH eats it up feels like a "real man" in front of her. Until she kept getting angry he hadn't left me yet, and told him to "man up." That didn't sit well with him.

I pulled away, moved out and am now living quietly in the distance. And he keeps reaching out to me now. No peeps from me at all.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/18/2013 15:46 PM

Tulie,,,,

I think my XWH is selfish and immmature. As long as he wanted me more than anyone else, we were together. Then, when someone else paid attention to him,,,off he went. Now I hear OW is cheating on him and he doesn't know it. He, too tries to be a good dad to her kids, not ours...

LeopoldB posted 9/18/2013 16:31 PM

I work with a guy. He always sits with me at break (only one table in break room). He has started telling me what he doesn't like about his wife.

I believe that when WS's divorce and move in together, they invariably buy and then sit staring mutely at that same break room table. It represents all they have in common and how little they got in trade for their lost marriages.