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When the WS doesn't know that you know

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DCP21 posted 9/6/2013 09:12 AM

I still haven't confronted the WS. Daughter's wedding was just last weekend and I was going to wait until this weekend to confront him. But, I found more evidence this week. I knew WS had registered with sex/ dating/ escort sites, but I didn't believe he had physically done anything yet. However, I decided to create a fake profile and email him. He bit, hook, line and sinker. He is now in the process of trying to set up a meeting with her (ME!). He said that he is very discreet, sounding to me like he sure has done this before. Now I'm even more devastated. Should I show up at the meeting place? Confront him there? Just take pictures? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

EvenKeel posted 9/6/2013 09:30 AM

Blowing my cover too early was a big mistake I made. I thought I had enough evidence and he would confess. Instead he BS'ed his way around it and gaslighted until there was enough doubt in my mind (and I WANTED to beleive him) that I stayed years beyond what I should have.

Like in your case - if you do schedule a meet-up, he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

I could not confront until you know exactly what you want to do and have solid proof. You have a clear advantage now of knowing he is up to something and being able to collect evidence. Once you reveal yourself, he is going to be deleting and erasing all his proof.

PS - Why don't you say in your emails that you are new to this but he sounds like he has experiencing at being discreet and how often has he done this?

Edited - I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I remember all too well how awful that felt!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Camalus posted 9/6/2013 09:33 AM

I was in a very different yet similar situation. I knew but my WW was not aware I knew and I only recently confronted her. The time between discovery and confrontation allowed me to be prepared for the confrontation and keep control. My IC was great help with this as we gamed played it out over several sessions.

If you are prepared, possibly set up a meet using the fake profile. Then ‘stand him up’. When he comes home, very calmly tell him. “I think it is time we discuss how your ….. and how it impacts our marriage going forward.”

If he denies, just say “you and I both know that’s not true.”

If he tries to blame you say “I’m sorry you feel that way but we still need to discuss how your …. Impacts our marriage and how we proceed.”

Try not to start things off with ‘You’, that will make him defensive. Try to start things off with “I feel… then you can shift into his behavior.

Good luck and best wishes.

Broken1Again posted 9/6/2013 09:48 AM

Tirednconfused, I love how you worded your sentences and what to say to the WS. I wish I had done that this morning...A question for you though, why do you think she should stand him up and then ask tell him they need to discuss the impact? Will she be tipping her hand? or just catching him at a time where she knows he's guilty of something because he tried to "rendezvous" with someone...

DCP21 posted 9/6/2013 09:49 AM

EvenKeel, that's what I was thinking. If he does go to meet "her", I think I will just follow and take pics. In my email I did say I was nervous and that it was my first time, and had he done anything like this before? I'm just waiting on the response. Then I'll know. I feel like I should get an Academy Award for my performance the last 6 months. I didn't think I could hold all this in for this long. Thank God for this site, where I've been able to learn a lot from everyone and have had a place to vent. I don't feel so alone.

And Tirednconfused, that's very good advice. I've been gathering ALOT of evidence for 6 months. I'm thinking about IC, but haven't had the guts to go yet. I think I need to do that before the confrontation, if I can keep holding it in.

Stronger4it posted 9/6/2013 09:55 AM

I second what tirednconfused advises. And if you can check out his previous posts, his confrontation with his spouse was great. I think the key was how prepared he was.

Perhaps use this time to gather more evidence? But be careful. He may turn this around and use the fact that you were on the dating site too. He could accuse you of cheating, or worse a "If you like Pina Coladas" sorta thing.

A small (immature) part of me would like to see you toy with him. E.g. Set up a date with him, and then (IRL) offer to accompany him to wherever he says (lies) is going.

Keep posting. I would like to see how this plays out.

Stay strong.

DCP21 posted 9/6/2013 10:12 AM

Well, color me immature too then lol! Sometimes I feel like a cat with a mouse. I'll see a guy on TV cheating, and I'll put a few digs in. WS, of course, doesn't realize I'm really talking about him.

And I never registered on those sites - hell, I'd never even heard of them! He was just kind of careless and I figured out his user name and password.

Part of me wants to just get this over and confront him NOW, but I also would like to get some more info if I could. In my past posts I spoke of his financial infidelity first. I still haven't found where all the money went, and I'm afraid he must keep the secret bank statements at work. If anyone has any ideas on how I could find the missing money, please let me know.

And Tirednconfused, I'll be sure to go back and look at your posts. You seem really insightful and I'm sure they'll help me to prepare.

Camalus posted 9/6/2013 10:34 AM

Posting via blackberry...pardon the typos.

I suggested 'standing him up' for a couple of reasons.

1 proof positive he is activily seeking an encounter

2 catches him in a lie (assuming he will make up some excuse to go out)

3 should have him feeling somewhat blue and rejected when he returns.

Practice is the key. Don't buy into his denials and don't allow him to blameshift. If he tries shifting blame just say "I fully accept one-half the blame for issues in our marriage but YOU made a decision to enter into an afair and YOU must accept responsibility for that action"

Good luck--have your ducks in a row, stay calm, and come out firing.

DCP21 posted 9/6/2013 10:56 AM

Thanks Tirednconfused! Feeling calmer and better able to think. "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming".

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 11:03 AM

Oh I can hardly wait for the follow up on this!!!!! It has me sitting on the edge of my seat. I wouldn't have been able to be so patient but then again my swift actions and clarity at the beginning shocked the hell out of him. Too bad my emotions slowly caught up!


Painfuljourney posted 9/6/2013 11:19 AM

I confronted right away. So you are a saint. I love the idea of you not showing up at first and asking about if he's done that before. Maybe even weed him out. Why he does it? Doesn't his wife provide his needs?

Then yes, meet him at some bar or something for cocktails. Hide you vehicle somehow, park in the adjoining parking lot so he doesn't catch on.

jjct posted 9/6/2013 11:34 AM

he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

This is the frequently heard lie in this scenario.

Examine within yourself why you want to do it this way.
When the WS doesn't know that you know, the longer you can keep this, the more advantage it is to you.
Do you think busting him this way (dramatically) will make him have instant remorse - & then it's going to be all right?

I wonder, don't you "know enough" really?

I foresee having your L's pretty assistant showing up and serving him, while your L discreetly records in the background.

You know you can always suspend the D, right? They take time.
But one thing I do know.
A strong boot suddenly up his ass in that manner will move you more quickly to resolution,'ll see right away if he's capable of remorse & whatever it takes to repair your trust.

I know it sounds sharp, sister, I don't mean to pain you - I am just fed up with the amount of suffering unremorseful WS put on their BS's- and I'd do a lot to help people avoid it.

Happydays posted 9/6/2013 12:39 PM

Just throwing in a random thought.
You too are registered on that / those websites.
How will that play if things go legal?
Plan accordingly.
Call him to a bar in a particular dress code and catch him red handed.
If you are going to confront this way, make sure he doesn't get a chance to say " I knew it was you all this time."

Also video record the meet with date and time stamps for complete control.

demos posted 9/6/2013 12:50 PM

jjct is right. you have enough evidence and catching red handed isn't necessary ..... but there are times when somebody deserves to feel like an ass!

It would be perfect if you had a girlfriend that he didn't know that would be willing to meet him. You could have all kinds of fun with him then.

But don't follow him. Get to the meeting spot before him. Some place open and in public. City park? Find a spot where you can watch an area that you will direct him to but he won't notice you in the distance. And then just have a ball with it.

Text him that you are such and such in the red shirt sitting on the bench accross the pond. Or the woman in the blue shirt sitting in the black car on the other side of the parking lot. See if you can get this ass to approach this other person and introduce himself as the cheating fuck.

Then when he realizes that's not who he thought text again and apologize and say you were just so nervous you had to know if he was real. Tell him you've been watching from a distance and now that you can see he is real you are ready to meet. Then direct him to another part of the park and just let him sit there and wait while you text that it will just be a few more minutes. See how long he will sit there before he leaves.

Then when he finally gets frustrated and realizes this woman isn't going to meet for real text again and say you'll meet him at home.

Of course this will require a pay as you go phone but you can't find a better source of entertainment to spend $50 on.

And it's a great story to tell to a judge or a lawyer when he's giving you crap down the road.

Tesa posted 9/6/2013 13:00 PM

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.

[This message edited by Tesa at 1:02 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Skan posted 9/6/2013 15:00 PM

^^^^ I like this scenario best. Says everything that needs to be said.

Amber13 posted 9/6/2013 15:22 PM

Oh Tesa what an idea that is. If you weren't wanting to stay with him ofcourse! Proper busted!

heartache101 posted 9/6/2013 15:32 PM

Oh I second the attorney serve him up divorce/separation papers oh how darn sweet!! How I would love to be a fly on the wall..

7yrsflushed posted 9/6/2013 15:38 PM

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.
^^^ and what jjct said! Go see a Lawyer with the information you do have actually get the process started on the D then set the meeting and hand him the D papers at the meeting or when he gets back home after the no show. You only get one chance to confront so make sure you hit with with everything you have. Hell you could even have a bag packed for him when he gets back and the locks changed on the house. I wish you the best but if you haven't, go see a L now.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:39 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Sal1995 posted 9/6/2013 15:54 PM

Should I show up at the meeting place? Confront him there?

That would take a high level of calm and control on your part, but if you can do that and keep your emotions in check, that would be a priceless way to let him know that he's been busted.

he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

Let him say what he wants, who cares? If he's going to lie, he's going to lie regardless. But the two of you will know he's full of shit, and that's what counts.

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.

Even better. After a few minutes of him gaslighting you, your process server can walk up to the table and serve him with divorce papers.

You too are registered on that / those websites.
How will that play if things go legal?

Interesting point. But if the only profile you made contact with is your WH's, then your version of events will pass the smell test.

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