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Why can't I hate him?

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brokenandconfuse posted 9/6/2013 09:30 AM

I seriously don't know what is wrong with me. H couldn't hardly do anything more to ruin me or our marriage. I don't know if I am numb or if I hate anger so much that I won't let myself feel it? I still have feelings for him even though he is a rotten POS. I should hate him, but I don't. What is wrong with me?
He has done everything outside of beating me to death.

I NEED to let go, but for some reason I can't. Is this what they call the abusive bond?

EvenKeel posted 9/6/2013 09:48 AM

At some level deep inside of you, do you feel that somehow he was entitled to do what he did?

Sometimes our minds can twist the BS all around so it is so contorted: IE "Maybe if I cleaned better, dressed differently, lost weight, [insert whatever], then maybe he would not have done XYZ?"

If we let one ounce of us believe it that BS, then we don't feel entitled to the hate/anger, etc.

None of it is true of course, it is just a headgame.

There are many stages to healing and you have to let yourself go through them all (from denial to pity to rage).

At some point, you need to let yourself know it is ok to be very angry with him and announce to your own self that was not ok that he did all this to you and you do not deserve any of it, etc.

2kidsandadog posted 9/6/2013 10:21 AM

I get this! Don't know if I really have any solid responses except that I was so freakin attached to my ex, (needy, fear of abandonment, anxiety) that I totally accepted shitty behavior and continued to love him through it all; which in turn allowed him to continue treating me like shit.

Just a suggestion. Is there any codependency in your FOO? Codependents tend to overlook shitty behavior because the root of someone's wanting to love becomes way more important.

Don't beat yourself up. It's also possible that the "abusive" bond you mention plays a part.

Phoenix1 posted 9/6/2013 12:27 PM

A lot of it can also be simply the difficulty of breaking a bad habit after a long period of time. I believe that was some of my issue. He was simply in my life so long that he became an easy habit rooted in my every day existence. Suddenly having him gone was like going cold turkey, and it isn't always easy to do that, especially when there was a deep emotional attachment involved.

Give it time. NC and detachment will help tremendously.

sunsetslost posted 9/6/2013 12:37 PM

I'm in the same boat but I'm less than two months out. It's a topic I've brought up numerous times in therapy. I can't figure it out either. I think I'm so full of regret and guilt that I'm still blaming my own actions for hers. I tell myself there were a million ways she could've expressed her unhappiness but she and she alone chose to end it all with an affair. Deep down I know that to be true but my brain works a lot faster than my heart.

sunsetslost posted 9/6/2013 12:41 PM

Examine your actions and maybe you are expressing anger in other, less rage filled ways. For instance I've found myself throwing out dishes and glasses instead of washing them. It's a habit I need to stop or I'll be drinking from the hose outside :). I've also been so hyper focused on my future and moving on that I've thrown a lot of "our" stuff away. Wedding video. Flowers from our wedding. Things she won't miss but I get some satisfaction from.

Abbondad posted 9/6/2013 14:56 PM

I was so freakin attached to my ex, (needy, fear of abandonment, anxiety) that I totally accepted shitty behavior and continued to love him through it all; which in turn allowed him to continue treating me like shit.
Just a suggestion. Is there any codependency in your FOO? Codependents tend to overlook shitty behavior because the root of someone's wanting to love becomes way more important.

^^^^
Same here, Brokenandconfuse...

It is incredibly difficult to break this bond. All that has eased my pain is limited contact. I'm sorry for your pain. You are not alone or "abnormal" in any way.

osxgirl posted 9/6/2013 15:27 PM

Here's something to think about:

It took me awhile, but what really helped me was really looking at him and our relationship, and realizing that I wasn't missing him, the man he really was. I was missing the man I married - the man I thought he was. He was never really that man - he just pretended. He made himself out to be the kind of man I was looking for to make me love him. The man I thought I married never really even existed.

So it was difficult. I still hurt, I still grieved. And it was hard realizing I had been fooled - though I can say, I had known that for years, since he quit pretending to be that man within the first few years we were married. But it wasn't until sometime during the D process that I realized that was what had really happened.

brokenandconfuse posted 9/10/2013 14:39 PM

I think that I do take the blame for him cheating on me and treating me the way he did. I think if I would have tried harder, or given him more attention when our son was born and other things- I know that isn't true. Our son was very sick and he was busy having an affair instead of going with me to the ER visits trying to save our son's life. But I do know at some level I do feel like I did something wrong to cause the affairs.

Ashland13 posted 9/10/2013 15:51 PM

I had this, too! But not anymore.

What happened for me was that he lied so much to me that he messed with my mind and created a haze for me to live in, so that I couldn't pick the truth out of the rumors as they came...all of this he plotted and planned against me.

What helped for me finally, was hearing more and more rumors and being able to discover truths behind them...this led to him being knocked off the pedestal I had him on for so long (20 years) and then the love began to leave and other feelings came pouring in.

Another problem for me was how dependent I used to be on him and the things he did or problems he solved continued to keep my blinders on. As I am less and less codependent on anyone, he continues to fall off the pedestal and phases of emotion are changing for me.

And I think sometimes we BS's go into a fog of our own that takes time to melt around us, as we gather facts and figures and work through the grief and other stages...it is a serious amount of comprehending to do that we can't do all at once and until we syphon through it all, we might have lingering feelings.

OMG, Sunsets, I was eyeballing the dishes that Perv asked for and looking for a place to throw them this week! I hit anger again and though there is fuel in it, there's not much money to buy new stuff, as you say...thank you for the snicker your post gave me about the garden hose...I've worked really hard not to react during the emotions, but I think sometimes a lot is expected of us?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 3:53 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

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