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Cheated on less than on a month after wedding

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clesu posted 9/6/2013 09:37 AM

After dating for about 3 1/2 years my best friend and I got married August 3rd. Well on Wednesday night I could tell something was wrong. She had the face that I've grown to know as being the 'something is wrong' look. After pleading with her to fess up to what was bothering her she dropped the bomb on me. The week before when she was supposedly going to meet up with one of her best friends from college, she was actually driving two hours to meet up with some guy she had met during her bachelorette party. She ended up spending the night with this guy and drove to her friend's house the next day. I've never felt the wind knocked out of me like this in my life. To make matters worse she had told me about this guy when she got back from her bachelorette party. She described him as a total creep that stole her phone and put his number into it. He even texted her about a week after and she told me all about it. I trusted her, I didn't see anything wrong. She's a beautiful woman and I've had to deal with random guys hitting on her and such as long as we've been dating. She tried telling me that she never got to have her 'me' time because she was in a long relationship before her and I got together without a lot of time in between. I'm at a loss, I honestly don't even know where to begin. I skipped work yesterday and just drove around for a long time without the slightest idea of what to do. I love her, I think I always will, but how do I get past this, and ever trust her again?

Broken1Again posted 9/6/2013 09:43 AM

Deep sigh (from me)...why do people do this stuff? I don't know. I don't know the answer for you, I'm in a bad place right now and don't want to project my stuff on you. I do want you to know that I read your post, and I'm here in the trench with you and you will soon find other trench buddies as well.

What I can say is don't make any rash decisions just yet. You have just been given this information you are allowed to take your time to digest it and feel it. No rush.

ItWasHisBoss23 posted 9/6/2013 09:52 AM

I think you should weigh your options.

For one, she obviously felt remorseful to the point you could tell something was wrong with her. And second, she admitted it to you before you had to find out on your own. I would say I would appreciate those things about the situation.

In my situation, my husband was doing stuff for over a year and every day acting like nothing was wrong and making me believe we were "in love" while every day he was involved with another woman via email and sometimes physically, both before and after marriage.

Nobody can tell you what to do except you because only you will know the truth about your relationship.

I have watched a lot of youtube vidoes about infidelity and reconciliation afterwards that may help you decide if you can move on and rebuild trust.

MJane posted 9/6/2013 09:53 AM

So sorry to hear your story - am new to this too. I don't get how your wife so soon after you wed could do this but then I can't get how my husband cheated on me just before I gave birth to our much longed for baby....what i am learning is maybe I won't ever "get" it as it isn't logical or even part of your DNA but it is vital that they get it and you are convinced they have before moving forward. I'm in roller-coaster state - one minute want to leave and the next stay - am taking all the good advice here not to take any rash decisions but also to take the care I need to of myself...take care

clesu posted 9/6/2013 09:58 AM

Thanks. I'm really glad I found this forum. I've been going over what happened in my head again and again, but actually seeing it written out felt different. I was reading some of the other posts and it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in the trench, but incredibly sad that this is seemingly such a common occurrence. I have one good friend who's wife cheated on him a couple years ago and I talked to him yesterday. He was the only one I knew that I thought could possibly relate. While he did have some helpful things to say, I think his complete shock further compounded my own and I could feel the knife twisting even more. To make matters worse, today is her birthday and we're supposed to go out with all of her friends tonight. How the hell am I supposed to do that? I just want to leave but I have things planned this weekend that I can't skip out on, some with her, some without. How do I navigate this without basically telling everyone around us?

myownmaster posted 9/6/2013 11:00 AM

She fucked another guy and she went way out of her way to do it(not a drunken ONS) and it was only a month into your marriage...You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Fuck her bday if you want. You are not obligated to be anywhere near her if you don't want to be. You are no more honorable standing side by side with your cheating wife than you are telling her to fuck off. Do whatever you want to do.

So what is she saying and doing? Does she want to stay in this marriage. Is she claiming it's a one time thing? Is she willing to do anything to repair the damage she's created (IC, MC, full transparency, etc.?).

To be honest, this early in a marriage and with no kids...I'd seriously consider the fact that there are MANY women out there who wouldn't do what you wife did...just saying. But either way, stand up for yourself and don't let this be rugswept.

ItWasHisBoss23 posted 9/6/2013 11:19 AM

I went through a phase where I wanted everyone to know that my WH did what he did because I felt I wanted him to pay for it. I have only told a couple of really close friends and decided not to get a lot of people involved mostly to save myself from the embarrassment.

If you don't want people to know then you don't have to tell them. You can just say that you can't make it. She needs to respect if you are not ready to do certain things because your emotional health should matter.

I made the mistake of going to his family things and softball games before I was even close to ready and everyone could tell something wasn't right. I would be pressured to pretend I was okay if he put his arm around me or wanted to kiss me or something. It made me bitter towards him that he could act okay and I wasn't.

Only do what you are okay with.

kannan posted 9/6/2013 11:22 AM

One month into marriage, she drove two hours and banged someone.

Consider yourself lucky man. There is plenty of fish out side.

Regarding her Bday, you owe a cheater nothing.

k9lover1 posted 9/6/2013 11:29 AM

My guess is that you are both young and maybe she is not ready to be tied down and faithful at this time in her life.

frankier posted 9/6/2013 11:33 AM

Clesu, sorry to hear your story. I cannot fathom the pain you must feel.
Your wife has shown you some incredible lack of boundary and restraint. I am not sure if it is an age related issue, but I know it is for sure a character issue. Citing the lack of "me" time as (one of) the justification seems very childish and immature. She has shown you who she really is. Believe her. No kids and just married empowers you more than a situation with kids, assets, lives, etc. After you work through the initial shock, please consider carefully if you want to stay married with this woman. People do change, but not that often and not by much.

[This message edited by frankier at 11:34 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Skan posted 9/6/2013 11:36 AM

Welcome. I'm sorry that you had the reason to find this forum, but I am pleased that you did, so that you can talk and we can try to help you.

First off, please take my advice and do not go tonight. In all honesty, I would have her call everyone to cancel because of a personal family emergency which is god's own truth. I don't think that there is any way in hell that you can fake your way through this, this early in your journey. And to hold yourself bound to do so, is cruel to yourself. Heck man, you're still in shock! You wouldn't ask someone who has just been hit by a bus to go out and run a mile, broken leg and all. You should not try.

Next, breathe. You can take all the time you need and want to figure out what you want and need to do. This is YOUR time to think. Don't let anyone tell you that you HAVE to move faster than you can. We are all going to offer opinions to you, based on our own experiences, long and short, but in the end, you need to do what is right for yourself.

Please take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. These are all articles from people who have walked the path that you have walked. Take advantage of our experience because in several ways, we all have very common feelings, thoughts, and reactions. So do the W (waywards, in your case, your WW Wayward Wife).

I absolutely hate to say this, but you and your WW must get on the phone, if not today, then Monday, and schedule a complete STD/HIV panel. You must. She screwed a man who is likely screwing a lot of other women as well. Even if she tells you that they used a condom. Even if she tells you that it was completely protected sex, get the tests run and schedule the follow-up tests. Protected sex isn't, especially if they kissed each other or went down on each other. All a condom means is that she likely won't get pregnant. Nothing else. And you must insist that her results be told to you directly by the doctor or given to you on the doctor's form. You cannot trust her to tell you the truth about the results because liars lie. I am so very sorry, however each and every one of us has had to make this phone call. And sad to say, doctor's offices are quite experienced in handling this type of call.

Again, welcome. Keep posting. Vent. We're all here for you.

toomanyregrets posted 9/6/2013 11:57 AM

Well now you know that your WW is NOT your best friend.

It should be all "US" time.

With only a month since the wedding, maybe you could have it annuled.

Sounds like the only reason your WW had a wedding was to have her own personal prom.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 11:58 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

clesu posted 9/6/2013 12:04 PM

We're both 25, so yes young indeed. In the back of my mind I've always considered this perhaps too young to get married, but ironically it was her that was always putting the pressure on me to buy the ring. After we were engaged it didn't take long for it to really sink in. But for me I wasn't nervous or worried, I was excited, because I honestly knew this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Shit, I even quit my old job and moved 7 hours so she could get her dream job.

She's told me that she was worried if she tried to do her own thing for a couple years there'd be no way I'd still be around waiting for her. That surely some other girl would scoop me up because I'm the 'Perfect Guy'.

Just as many of you have said, the product of this infidelity is her absolute immaturity. I realize this, I just guess I had fooled myself into believing that we were happy to the point that she'd understand what she had, and be grateful for it. Not throw it all away.

Just as I need time to absorb all of this and figure out what my next move is, she's said she needs time to know for sure what she truly wants. I've already contacted a couples therapist who specializes in infidelity, and my wife has said she'll go. But do I wait until then or do I give her the ultimatum now? I want to work on this believe it or not and I'm afraid if I lay down the law too harshly it's just going to push her further into the abyss.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 9/6/2013 12:39 PM

A month after your wedding, she has already shown you what she wants and it's to not be married. I'm sorry to be blunt, but when someone's shows you who they really are, believe them.

The lies started, if not well beforehand, with her claiming this guy 'stole her phone and entered his number'... Seriously, does that make any sense? And if it were true and she thought he was a creep, why keep his number?

She needs to own her shit fully before R should even be considered. She needs to confront her own ugliness & brokenness that she used to allow herself to cheat after 30 days married. You should have still been in the honeymoon stage where you both can't get enough of each other.

So sorry you are here. Time for her to prove she us worthy of you and this marriage.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 9/6/2013 12:57 PM

Early in our journey I asked my H what his vows meant to him? His answer was "I guess that I was taking a partner for life."

I put it in simpler terms - at a very simple and basic level, taking vows/marriage/being exclusive means you give up the right to date other people.

We were married 21 yes when we began this journey. 30 days? Ask your WW (wayward wife) what her vows meant to her. Then look closely at what she has done and how that definition lines up. 30 days is such a sad statement of her character. If she truly wants R, and you truly believe she is capable of becoming a better person, then IC for her should come first. She needs to be proactive in finding her authentic self.

OK now posted 9/6/2013 12:59 PM

she's said she needs time to know for sure what she truly wants.

Right now she isn't sure she wants to be married to you and this, in her warped way of thinking, gives her the right to cheat. You may endure all this pain and paper over the cracks in this short marriage, but in the end she will leave, or at least repeat her adultery.

In any event you will never be able to trust her again. She is actively looking for a replacement for you and apparently fucking all the candidates to boot.

Save yourself a lot of misery and let her go. It will do wonders for your self-esteem and show her that you won't be disrespected. If you reconcile out of a fear of being alone and the emotional attachment you feel for your WW, I fear there is more heartache down the road.

As others have said she is not your best friend and you have little worth as a partner in her eyes.

demos posted 9/6/2013 13:01 PM

Less than a month in and she already has kicked your feeling to the side for her own desires. A month in a bride should be living the dream and thinking nothing but about her new husband and making their life together. Affairs happen 3, 7, 15, years into a marriage when marriage become hard. Not a month in!

I don't know if I'm making sense but 13 years into our marriage my wife had an affair. Not that it makes it any easier but on some level I get it. Doesn't make it right but I get it. Kids, mortgage, life ..... I don't want to say marriage can get boring but maybe just routine ... dull. Some guy comes around tells her she's amazing and it lights a spark. It doesn't make it right but I get it.

But 1 month in??? That I don't get. What is she going to be like 3 years in? 13 years in?

She needs some IC quick!

[This message edited by demos at 1:04 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

cliffside posted 9/6/2013 13:01 PM

So sorry this has happened to you and so soon after your wedding.
I'm coming up on my 12 year wedding anniversary and have two young children. I have to be brutally honest with you. As someone who has been betrayed and is in R, if this had happened that soon after my wedding I would be getting it annulled as soon as humanly possible.

The work and stress of Reconciliation is hard. Think about how your marriage will be - one month of "honeymoon" followed by months, if not years, of therapy and trying to reconcile. As someone 7 months out I can tell you that a person capable of infidelity is broken and it takes a LOT of work to figure it out and give them the coping mechanisms needed to keep them from doing it again.

I really think you need to consider that since you don't have all of the complications that come into play after years of marriage, you should cut your losses now. And if you do, know that NO ONE would blame you for doing that.

And I say this in particular because of this:

She's told me that she was worried if she tried to do her own thing for a couple years there'd be no way I'd still be around waiting for her. That surely some other girl would scoop me up because I'm the 'Perfect Guy'.

Wow. She knew she wasn't ready for marriage and didn't talk about it with you and give you the option to wait or leave? She didn't give you the option to make an informed decision about your life and future? That is incredibly immature and incredibly unfair. Ask yourself this. If she had told you "I'm not ready for this marriage, I still need to sow my oats." What would you have done? Stayed and waited or moved on?

And then this:

she's said she needs time to know for sure what she truly wants.

One month into marriage, after *she* cheats on you, *she* needs time to figure out what *she* truly wants?

As many have said on here before, she's showing you exactly who she is and what she's capable of - believe it. You're young and deserve so much more than that.

Please take care of yourself and know that we're all here to help - no matter what you decide.

Warninglight posted 9/6/2013 13:10 PM

You owe her one thing:

An annulment. A man she met at her bachelorette party? Does she mean male stripper?

Continue with this marriage and you will be back here with "She cheated on me again, we are getting divorced and I will owe $1000 a month in alimony and $1200 a month in child support.

clesu posted 9/6/2013 13:23 PM

He wasn't a male stripper, just some random guy at the pool. Not that it makes anything better. The creepy part is I saw a picture of him and he looks just like me.

I appreciate everything you've all said. You've given plenty of insight and a lot to consider. I don't know if I want to call it quits just yet even though a lot of me says I should. That doesn't mean I'm going to just sweep this under the rug and forget about it. If I can't get a 100% commitment from her to immediately start therapy both on her own and with us as a couple I'm done.

Does it really make me naive holding on to the slimmest of hope that this was a once in a lifetime mistake?

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