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"Betraying" the AP

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Trying33 posted 9/6/2013 10:47 AM

Whilst I was in the A, my AP and I were implicit in the fact that no matter what, we would never involve one another's families in the mess that we'd put ourselves in i.e. the LTA that we tried to finish several times but ended up resuming several times..

During our numerous fights, arguments, "lovers tiffs", it was a forgone conclusion we'd never "betray" each other. It was unspoken but we both fully understood that should there be a situation where either of us were contacted by the OBS, we would deny everything to "protect" everyone involved.

How I felt I could never betray my AP whilst all along betraying my BH is something I need to understand and dig deeper.

On D-day 1, his BW told AP she was going to tell my BH. AP apparently told her she shouldn't meddle in other people marriages and to focus on her own. He allegedly told her under no circumstance should she contact my BH. At the time I saw it as caring but after SI I understand he was saving his own ass (or was he?)

On D-day 2 (final D-day) BW contacted me and told me to stop talking to her husband otherwise she will tell my BH. My response to her was she should, I was too much of a coward to do it myself. I wanted it all out in the open and wanted her to do my dirty work for me. That day AP said he's so tired of it all he doesn't care anymore who finds out, he just wants all the turmoil to stop. We didn't speak from that moment.

I should add that I knew his BW would call me because he told me. He also told me exactly HOW I should answer her questions and basically wanted me to gaslight her to save his own ass. As it happened she never asked me any questions just told me to stay away which I agreed to, nevertheless, I remember at the time, wanting to fully protect him and not fuck up his family life. I felt sorry for him and felt like the reason he was so unhappy.

I was fully expecting them to tell my BH and was bracing myself for it, even wanting it to happen.. but it never did. A few weeks later, after so much pent up emotion, I broke down and confessed everything (or as much as my H could handle)to my H.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say in this post but it's probably more of a support to those who have to tell the OBS and an acknowledgement that as right as it is, it's also something that can be extremely hard for some.

floridaredman posted 9/6/2013 10:59 AM

Deceit is deceitful even to those who are deceiving

JustDesserts posted 9/6/2013 12:12 PM

My xAp and I "pledged" to never compromise eachother's safety or discretion. I kept my pledge. I'm such an honorable cheater! She did, too, right up until she threw me under the bus when her BS keylogged her secret mail accounts.

Despite having moved on from me to a whole host of other AP's, I was the one she ratted out to her BS when caught. Poor me. I didn't know it at the time, and it took some time to figure this out - but she did me a huge favor.

Let's see: two cheating, lying, broken souls make a pact to preserve their cheating, lying, broken & selfish secret world. Sounds rational and reasonable!

The day my charade ended due to her "betraying" me was the day I could finally start to see what I had so sadly, selfishly and stupidly lost sight of: that I could search this planet 24/7/365...forever...and never find a woman, wife, lover, and friend better than the one I was, and still am, married to.


Alyssamd24 posted 9/6/2013 13:04 PM


It's so funny that you've posted this because this is my life right now....I was going to start a new thread but since you have already posted about it here goes:

As some of you know, I confronted my XAP s BW yesterday and then actually felt bad about "betraying" my AP. Like you and many others, I also promised my AP that I would never betray him and tell his wife the truth. But because of what it would mean to my own BH if I did tell her, I broke that promise to the AP. I knew it was what I needed to do to fix my M and to help me become the person I want to be...the emotionally stable one who is putting my husband first finally, rather than the XAP.

Even though I told the BW I still wondered if that was the right move and felt bad for breaking my promise to my AP. I actually was concerned for him and felt awful for the turmoil I had caused. But I should also mention that I was angry with him for lying to me about telling his BW, and couldn't believe he would do that.

So this morning I had a meeting with my boss about everything that has been happening. I resigned my position, because otherwise she was going to fire me and she didn't want to do that. My DD has also been asked to leave the program because of my actions.

I also found out that my XAP and his BW had spoken to the pastor (the preschool is in a church) and told him I was lying and was blackmailing him. So he is denying every thing and his BW is actually buying into it.

And I am now realizing (finally) what a low life, piece of shit my XAP truly is. He is to much of a coward to come clean to his wife and admit what he did and she is foolish enough to believe it. I am beyond angry at myself for ever believing anything he ever said to me and can't believe I was such a naive idiot.

In the end though, I am the one who is going to come out of this situation a better person. I am working on fixing my M and gaining my H trust back. I am trying desperately to become the person I used to be.
He, on the other hand, is continuing to deny any wrong doing and is lying to his BW.

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 1:08 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Trying33 posted 9/6/2013 15:59 PM

Alyssa.. it was your thread that started these trail of thoughts that prompted this thread.

Your situation turned nasty and you had no choice but to "betray" your AP. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. In many way's you're lucky (and I use that term loosely) because at least you got to see first hand how much of a dick your xAP is by denying everything and making you look like a crazy obsessed stalker.

It never really got ugly with AP and myself. We stopped because it couldn't go on any longer and there was too much pride on both sides to re-start the A thankfully. One day we were talking and saying I love yous, next day we just stopped and haven't spoken since.

I wonder if women in affairs tend to not want to betray their AP's more than men due to the emotional attachment? I also wonder if it's different in LTA's where a real emotional attachment and care has formed. A full knowledge of the workings of that person and how a disclosure will exactly unravel.

Somehow, by my xAP never contacting my BH always made me think maybe he did care after all. We never broke the pact. Then I realise I'm going into fantasy thinking again and I just change my trail of thoughts.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/6/2013 16:01 PM

Ugh. Thanks for posting this Trying. This is something I very much need to dig into as well, because it's an active impediment to R.

So my whole post here is probably a t/j, sorry, but I don't know how else to respond than to relate my own situation.

I protected AP2 bigtime, but threw AP1 under the bus. AP1 told me his wife busted him; after DDay BH and I saw AP1 was still active on AshleyMadison, so when I emailed OBS1 after DDay and AP1 called me screaming obscenities and threats, AP1 admitted he'd lied to me. After his BW *really* found out, AP1 painted me as the predatory OW...which strains credulity since we met on AM! But OBS1 seems to have bought his story. Anyway...I guess finding out AP1 lied to me made it easier to "betray" him.

How I felt I could never betray my AP whilst all along betraying my BH is something I need to understand and dig deeper.

Ditto. I even broke NC to warn AP2 that BH was planning to out him. I'm still deeply confused and conflicted about all this. So much damage, so little time; one hour of IC a week is expense enough.

Alyssamd24 posted 9/6/2013 16:24 PM

I thought that was the reason behind this post but didn't want to assume. I am glad you posted it though cuz it gave me a chance to vent.

I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this right now. I know I need to get to a point of indifference toward my xap, but right now I am hurt and angry.
Like JD said, its a ridiculous notion that two lying cheating people make a pact to preserve their world of lies,and I realize this, but am still struggling.

I now realize that everyone was right when they said xap was an asshole...but for some reason I kept believing that he actually was a good guy and he really cared about me....just reading that makes me ashamed and sick to my stomach. I don't know when I became so naive and think that anything he said held any truth. I can't believe how stupid I was for actually feeling guilty about betraying him, while he was at the school telling lies about me and denying anything ever happened.

I am now so glad that I did decide to tell his BW the truth, even if she is too foolish to believe it. Even though it ended up biting me in the ass in the end, I am proud of myself that I got to the point where I was done protecting my xap and was ready to betray him.

Now I just need to get past this ridiculous amount of anger and hurt so I can move past it and refocus on my BH and our the hell do I do that?

JustDesserts posted 9/6/2013 19:35 PM

I wonder if women in affairs tend to not want to betray their AP's more than men due to the emotional attachment? I also wonder if it's different in LTA's where a real emotional attachment and care has formed.

Um, Trying, in my case: Nope & nope.

I was the emotionally invested one. And in the end xAP's paltry and feigned emotional ante allowed her to walk away from our lurrvv with nary a backward glance.

Meanwhile, back at Foggy Acres Ranch, I pined away and went into acute kibble withdrawal, confused how she could turn off emotion and matter how damaged, delusional, and dirty...with the flip of a switch.

Result? One damaged male ego (I was the guy every girl I dated wanted to marry, after all). Disbelief. Anger. And hurt at getting played (a first).

Processing that big heaping plate of shit flavored karmic kibble? Priceless!

And I thank, primarily, those here on SI for help, experience, and guidance on this blind spot and scab I kept picking.

Letting go of being let go has, I'm ashamed to say, resonated with a half life far longer and grander than the pathetic little lurrvv cupcake me and my xAP whipped up would suggest.

Yup. It has. But, yup, I am feeling much better as I process and heal by putting my energies on me, and my BS.


Happeningtome posted 9/7/2013 12:50 PM

Just thought I would add my experience on this topic, as it was a little different than the others.

I found out after DDay that I was actually OW #5 to FOM. I think he was getting to a point where his various A's were becoming a bit too 'common knowledge' in our small town, so he orchestrated getting 'caught' and decided to pin all his wayward activities on me, hoping he could escape with one big DDay. FOM's BW kept in contact with my BH every time she uncovered more and more things "I" had done. Except FOM was not being truthful with her - he just thought he would throw all of his crap on me. Once I was able to prove to my BH that FOM was lying (plus, my BH was informed of all the other OW by FOM's friends), my BH confronted FOM's BW with the truth. She turned around and begged my BH to stop contacting her(?). At that point, my WH decided to go NC with FOM's BW. I was already NC with FOM, and any lingering 'fog' I may have had promptly lifted. I understood getting thrown under the bus for MY actions, but being held responsible for all of his A crap? FTG. FTG anyway. Why did it surprise me that liars lie? I knew who he was all along, but I chose to not see it. But I certainly didn't feel like I was betraying him after that point.

Trying33 posted 9/7/2013 13:22 PM

How I felt I could never betray my AP whilst all along

betraying my BH is something I need to understand and dig deeper.

Ditto. I even broke NC to warn AP2 that BH was planning to out him. I'm still deeply confused and conflicted about all this

I been thinking about this and for me I think it was about the power I allowed AP to have over me and the relationship. He was dominant in the relationship and I wanted to please him. I would never betray him because that would mean he would "hate" me and I never wanted that to happen. It was all about "keeping" him happy and interested I suppose.

During the same time, it was easy to take advantage of my H's trusting nature. I abused his trust and kindness to live two simultaneous lives. Also, it was compartmentalising to the max. I wasn't hurting anyone; I was fulfilling my wifely duties; my H didn't really care what I got up to as long as I cared for him and the kids; what I did in my spare time was up to me as long as it didn't impact on anyone else.. and the justifications went on and on AND I truly believed all of them. AP used to say it was freaky how I could flip so easily from one life to the next.

In my head I wasn't really "betraying" my H. I had checked out of our marriage. My shell remained where I continued with my daily responsibilities perfectly (as a way to compensate for my other life). I was doing everything my H asked of me and he didn't care about the emotional stuff anyway.

I also wonder if there was a safety net in my H. That in actual fact I know him well enough to know he would never break up his family even if it did come out his wife was a cheat.

In the end the A was a massive cry for help. Towards the end I wanted him to know. When I eventually told him it was part of a hysterical episode whereby I needed him to recognise the state of our marriage.. needed him to see that it was so bad that I have been going outside the boundaries of our marriage for emotional comfort. he never saw anything wrong.. it was always me and my attitude and my negativity etc.

I think that's why I sometimes get so low, even now while things are good, because my cry for help has just been dismissed and still isn't talked about.

BrokenRoad posted 9/7/2013 13:57 PM

It's hard at first because to "make it okay" we tell ourselves that we aren't cheaters, we just are with the wrong person. So it stands to reason that we'd want to be "faithful" to the AP.

However, (and im not sure where you are on this path), at this point if you want to change, and become a person you can be proud of, then you need to be more honest about things, especially with yourself.

Remember your priorities. If you want to save this marriage, then you have to untwist your thinking, and go after what you want. Be the best "new you" that you can be from here on out.

Feelings will fade, but the thing you need to focus on is who do you want to be?

IAteTheApple posted 9/7/2013 16:13 PM

Trying, since day one I have seen so much of my story and me in what you write. Thanks for being a few steps ahead of me. I'm pulling for you.

Trying33 posted 9/8/2013 02:10 AM


It's hard at first because to "make it okay" we tell ourselves that we aren't cheaters, we just are with the wrong person. So it stands to reason that we'd want to be "faithful" to the AP.

Yes ^^^^ this exactly.

Feelings will fade, but the thing you need to focus on is who do you want to be?

Here's my biggest problem and concern. When I look at FWW's and FWH's, they often post about the disgust and inner loathing they feel. They can't believe they did what they did. They want to move away from "that" person and can't recognise the person that had the affair. They talk about how they "cringe" when they think of the affair and ultimately wish it never happened.

I don't feel like that.

I often catch myself getting nostalgic about the A and I don't know why. Almost like it was a time in my life that needed to happen to get me back on track and make me realise what's important. It happened to show me that it is NOT greener on the other side and it is NOT a solution to my M problems. I've learnt all this by having the A and meeting AP and going through it has confirmed that there's no easy way out. I have to WORK at my M however hard it is.

I don't know if this is still foggy thinking or if I'm still withdrawing. I just don't know. What I do know is it's not helpful for R as a I'm not fully letting go. I feel so sad about this and frustrated that I can't just fully move on. In my heart and mind, AP came into my life for a reason and now he's gone and that's ok.

I'm not pining over AP, neither do I have any intention in the world to ever speak to him again but for some reason I am not allowing myself to let go of 2 and half years of my life and admit it was all absolutely pointless and a waste of time. It had to have meant something at the time?

Is this totally fucked up? I'm 9 months out of D-day. Is it still early? Am I still grieving loss of the A? Why don't I feel disgust or self loathing? is this rationalising? Romanticising? why? It obviously is serving a purpose.

When people tell me "untwist your thinking" and "be honest with yourself", what does that mean? I don't even know what that means. As far as I'm concerned, I AM being honest. As I sit in here and write, I'm sitting with a perplexed frown on my face.

It's a total mind fuck.

Not blameshifting or anything, but the fact that I can't talk about my feelings to my H is totally not helping.


You are at the hardest part right now but nothing will happen until you sever all ties with AP. It's hard and it's a withdrawal but you can't even think of moving forward until you stop using him to make you feel better. SI posters are the best to help with withdrawal, such a support system that's hard to find IRL.

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