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s+++forbrains posted 9/6/2013 11:36 AM

I think I have come to realize the reason I want nothing to do with his family is that his relationship with his mother hurt me like an affair. I am not saying anything physical happened, but her needs came before mine for 20 years and her husband allowed it. They went through a tragedy early in their marriage that caused his dad to blame himself for his own father's death. In reflection, my father-in-law took care of himself and his wife and left his father to fend for himself and he died. I think this forever impacted my in-laws and their relationships with others. My father-in-law cannot take care of many things for his wife so first her dad did, then as soon as he died my husband was supposed to. This left me to take care of our children, our home, buy the groceries, pay the bills, working full-time, etc. His mom has never worked full-time, I have since I was in high school. Does anyone else feel this way toward their in-laws?? They try to blame my husband's affair on the fact my father left me when I was young. Hmm.... yeah, no! I have NEVER in any way been unfaithful to my spouse. My mother and step-father are wonderful. They got married when I was a teenager and I have always had a positive role model of men in him, or at least since I was a child. My in-laws take multiple "trip of a lifetime" each year, then cry to my husband they can't afford Christmas gifts of $25 for their grandchildren (less than 10)... They have way fewer grandkids than my parents, my parents take trips only to see their children and once a year to a neighboring state for a weekend with friends. My parents are "givers" and his are only "takers" and I really don't want them in my life... He says I hate them, I don't hate them, but I have NOTHING left to give them!! Does anyone else have to deal with toxic in-laws??

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 11:45 AM

I deal with them on a weekly basis. Well it isn't THEM.....I love my MIL. The problem is my FIL. He is at the base of so many of my husbands Foo issues. He is controlling, narcissistic and the Instigator for so much shit in our marriage. We feel totally not in control of our destinies anymore thanks to this extremely selfish man. I also hate him for his continued selfishness. I loath him and what he stands for. I loath the way he treated my mother in law....indifference is as painful as mental abuse. I now avoid them as often as possible because my anger just boils over when we interact. Being that both my inlays are in their 90's I am hoping to have only 10 more years of hell. Until he is gone we will not be free.


[This message edited by TxsT at 11:55 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Ashland13 posted 9/6/2013 11:50 AM

Oh yes, you should hear some of the things my in laws have told me since the affair came to light. One that I'm currently trying to process is about the ones I call "the Snubbers", because the group in general-a big one-is trying to include me in their life still, which at face value is kind. So I would put aside my panic and attend to try to maintain the relationship and so my daughter didn't have to miss an event. Well, some of them actually get up and leave if I appear, so I won't go to the main gatherings anymore-the pain was more than I could bear, esp. given who the Snubbers are-DD's godmother is one and we have a long history where I supported her when no else did-I guess that doesn't matter now.

Well, the others tell me that I should not let them get me down and I should attend if they are not present, but I don't want crumbs! I want to be accepted wholeheartedly or how can I go?

And...they tell me that I should step up! I should put myself aside! I am hurting the group!


I'm sorry for your difficult time, for to me it sounds like there are many un-dealt with family issues that are being carried into the present and hurting people and relationships. That's happening in my "original family" and the inlaws, because people in each group would rather live in denial.

Blaming your WH's affair on anything else beside what he did seems not unusual to me, for it's probably easier than putting blame on him and having to uncover the real reasons...they can continue to live in denial this way, rather than deal with reality.

And again, I'm sorry. It doesn't make any part of the whole thing easier or more peaceful. It does make me put a lot more space there and I find I don't contact them very often...then they whine more, but what can they expect?

s+++forbrains posted 9/6/2013 12:19 PM

TxsT-- I can so relate to thinking we will not be "free" until they are gone.
Ashland13-- people leave?? WTH!! We did not go to a family reunion on his side this summer, I would have gone if his parents had not been there because the extended family is wonderful and very loving. When I was struggling with cancer last year the extended family was truly supportive and I will always be thankful for that. His parents-- yeah, nothing at all from them, not even a "thinking of you note." I have a co-worker whose spouse is fighting cancer. As a team we are constantly looking for ways to help them out. Isn't that how you treat people? Look for ways to help others instead of constantly expecting help from others??

TxsT posted 9/6/2013 18:52 PM

My good friend who has helped me through this huge mountain of crap asks me often.....didn't you take your Texas wrought iron frying pan with you to CDN???? haven't you introduce it to your FIL yet???

I just laugh


Holly-Isis posted 9/6/2013 19:22 PM

Read up on emotional incest. I have seen behavior just like this in MrH and his mother. For instance, I first noticed it when we went to the family reunion. We were getting ready for a formal dinner. She saw I had black hose on, so she went and changed her hose to black. She saw me put my hair up, she put her hair up.

It usually happens with moms who are single or have emotionally unavailable husbands. They turn to their sons for the emotional attention. The sons aren't made to bond with their mothers like that, they're made to bond with their partners.

So they tend to act out sexually. MrH started using porn at a young age. All of his relationships began with a pushy female that decided there was a relationship, even the xOws. I'm the only one he ever had to pursue.

He's created boundaries with his mom and even sees some of the things she does. He just hasn't dealt with the issues that stem from it head on and it still is damaging to our M. When she visited recently he was cooking breakfast and she said, "Oh no, I'll help you cook breakfast." He told her, "No, if I need help my wife will help me." Then they brought back lunch and an order of fries were missing. She insisted she would share with him. He told her his wife would be the only one he shared fries with. It seems petty, but if you've ever been in those dynamics, you know it's needed. We still have problems because those intimacy issues emotional incest creates haven't been dealt with, so we just can't connect emotionally. He's in much that I wouldn't dare use the term emotional incest, just speak of the warped attachment she has and how she tries to compete with me.

cliffside posted 9/6/2013 19:52 PM

My parents are "givers" and his are only "takers" and I really don't want them in my life... He says I hate them, I don't hate them, but I have NOTHING left to give them!! Does anyone else have to deal with toxic in-laws??

That is exactly my situation. And my MIL has always been so controlling and awful, now that I know the truth about his childhood I worry that if I do see her I will beat the crap out of her. Oh and she wore a long white chiffon dress to our wedding. THAT wasn't creepy to people at all.

Broken6 posted 9/6/2013 20:41 PM

You are not alone. I call mine the outlaws, it seems more appropriate. They don't know about the A. My WH doesn't want to tell them, and my own mother warned me that even if they know, not to expect any support there. Blood is thicker than water. We have always had a rocky relationship dating back to when we had our first child, their first grandchild. My mother-out-law was so rude, she came to be at house to help with the baby but ended up picking fights with my husband so I left and got a hotel room. It was Christmas eve. I told my husband I would only come back after that witch left. The relationship has been tepid at best since then. I am Ok with it. I don't need toxic people like that in my life. It is their loss. You sound very strong, I hope you won't let them get to you. If you have your own family for support, lean on them. F the outlaws.

mchercheur posted 9/6/2013 20:46 PM

Have not spoken to my MIL for the past 2 yrs. after she made the following comments to me:
1.” Honey, what do you expect him to do, grovel?”
2. “Honey, I blame you --you drove him to it”
3.” Honey, your children will never forgive you for betraying them if you don't take him back” (how have I betrayed them? I am not the one who was unfaithful---WH admits this one is wrong)
4.” Well honey, if you had kept the house cleaner & worn makeup more, this wouldn't have happened.” (I have 4 children & work outside of the home, & have no help from her, her son, or any family member, because my family lives far away----not that that matters, even if I were a lady of leisure without kids, how dare she try to blame me for the atrocious thing her son did!)
5. “Honey, if you don't take him back, there will be 20 women lined up at the door for him”
6. “Honey, it was just 1 little mistake.”
7. “Get over it honey”
8. (During the first few months after D day, during which he would not stop contact with OW--- I would not take him back until he did.) “Honey, he HAS to go out for lunch with OW alone, they work together” (WH has never gone out for lunch alone with any other woman he has ever worked with)
BTW, WH's mother is an unremorseful OW & cheater herself, can you tell?

stillsad1970 posted 9/7/2013 11:44 AM

My MIL is a selfish piece of shit FIL as well but not as much, only slightly less. Heres what mine said about WH affair "just put on some lipstick it'll make you feel better".WTF?
And to our 14 yr old son,her grandson, "Don't you want your dad to be happy?"WH left for OW but snapped out of it after 2weeks. Supper long story but all is better than great now. Inlaws are pissed and cant figure out why I wont be around them fir an family functions.i truly hate them but truly grateful I can be a nasty condiscending bitch to them AND wh is ok with it.

StillLivin posted 9/7/2013 11:50 AM

I am so so sorry. I'm sorry to read about all of these awful in laws.
All of my in laws have been nothing but supportive to me and the boys.
His favorite sister was the one that first started calling the OW Shrek because she looks like....wait for it....yep...Shrek.
It seriously hurts my heart that after the pain of the A itself that anyone is going through awfulness with in laws.
Hugs to all of you! Again, so sorry!

stillsad1970 posted 9/7/2013 11:53 AM

Long story short. They asked us to sell our house and move into the cottage, giving them the equity of our home to them so they wouldnt lose the cottage. I agreed only so family wouldnt lose it. I had a break down thats when H started A. Oh we all lived under one roof while new cottage was being built, on same propert. 9 months still not done. I tool my $ from house back bought a condo. 6 weeks later WH realized the selfish damaged they and he caused and now we are in IC and MC. Now they are going to have to sell ,and WH doesnt care. He realized how controlling his parents are and that he fucked up with A and allowing his parents to almost destroy his marriage.
I am so proud of him for all his hard work and realizing, what I knew the whole time, that his parents are selfish selfish people.
Sorry so long but needed the backdrop to my post before this one.

emotionalgirl posted 9/7/2013 13:13 PM

My MIL was an alcoholic who once told me she would rather see her son dead than married to me! My WH brothers and sisters are constantly fighting and frankly make me insane. I thought that if WH and I loved each other enough that I could live with the crazy asses in my life. Since WH EA I have days that I wonder what I was thinking marrying into this mess

MammaMia posted 9/7/2013 19:56 PM

My in-laws never accepted me because I am not an American. They just tolerated me. They ignored our children while they did all they could for their daughter's kids. Yes, they sent Xmas gifts and cards with $10 in them, but not once did they call to talk to my children. They thought that by sending a stupid card and a small monetary gift they did their duty as grandparents.

A few years ago, when they went to a nursing home, SIL created a collage with family pictures. Most of the pictures are of her family, one of my children only, and one of my H. NOT A SINGLE ONE of mine. Does that tell you anything????

After they died H brought some of his parents' things back including the collage with the pictures. That's when he noticed I was not in any of them and he apologized. Too late....he always made excuses for them and now after they died he will admit to that.

The final blow was when they came to our house the week of our older son's high school graduation, and they opted to leave 2 days before the actual graduation giving us the stupid excuse that they had plans with their friends. That's when I wrote them off 100% and told H so. So did our sons. Our younger son doesn't even know his grandmother's name. That goes to show you the "warm relationship" between H's parents and our sons. ( sarcasm here)

I learned from this and I made a point to have a good relationship with my daughters-in-law. My older son's wife and I enjoy and good relationship. Early on I made the decision that however much I may not approve of who they marry, I will make a point to be civil, and even force myself to like them.If one of our sons ever has an A and I find out, I'll kick his a$$ regardless of how old e may be, and I will side with the DIL. Period.

s+++forbrains posted 9/9/2013 08:30 AM

I do think it is emotional incest what my mil did to my husband. She used to threaten to commit suicide if she didn't get what she wanted. This happened MANY times!! I see my spouse having problems with appropriate relationships with our kids and I continually call him on it. He "pouts" a lot with them and I look at him and just say "stop pouting and grow up!" Our children are in their first serious relationships and I am constantly reminding him that they are in good relationships and he has to back off. I know it burns my in-laws that our oldest is dating someone that is really close to multiple members of my family. I did tell our oldest this weekend about some of the things her grandmother did to the kids when they were younger. I want my kids to understand that their grandparents are not healthy and that they need to have appropriate boundaries to protect themselves.

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