[This message edited by TxsT at 11:55 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Well, the others tell me that I should not let them get me down and I should attend if they are not present, but I don't want crumbs! I want to be accepted wholeheartedly or how can I go?
And...they tell me that I should step up! I should put myself aside! I am hurting the group!
I'm sorry for your difficult time, for to me it sounds like there are many un-dealt with family issues that are being carried into the present and hurting people and relationships. That's happening in my "original family" and the inlaws, because people in each group would rather live in denial.
Blaming your WH's affair on anything else beside what he did seems not unusual to me, for it's probably easier than putting blame on him and having to uncover the real reasons...they can continue to live in denial this way, rather than deal with reality.
And again, I'm sorry. It doesn't make any part of the whole thing easier or more peaceful. It does make me put a lot more space there and I find I don't contact them very often...then they whine more, but what can they expect?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I just laugh
It usually happens with moms who are single or have emotionally unavailable husbands. They turn to their sons for the emotional attention. The sons aren't made to bond with their mothers like that, they're made to bond with their partners.
So they tend to act out sexually. MrH started using porn at a young age. All of his relationships began with a pushy female that decided there was a relationship, even the xOws. I'm the only one he ever had to pursue.
He's created boundaries with his mom and even sees some of the things she does. He just hasn't dealt with the issues that stem from it head on and it still is damaging to our M. When she visited recently he was cooking breakfast and she said, "Oh no, I'll help you cook breakfast." He told her, "No, if I need help my wife will help me." Then they brought back lunch and an order of fries were missing. She insisted she would share with him. He told her his wife would be the only one he shared fries with. It seems petty, but if you've ever been in those dynamics, you know it's needed. We still have problems because those intimacy issues emotional incest creates haven't been dealt with, so we just can't connect emotionally. He's in denial...so much that I wouldn't dare use the term emotional incest, just speak of the warped attachment she has and how she tries to compete with me.
My parents are "givers" and his are only "takers" and I really don't want them in my life... He says I hate them, I don't hate them, but I have NOTHING left to give them!! Does anyone else have to deal with toxic in-laws??
That is exactly my situation. And my MIL has always been so controlling and awful, now that I know the truth about his childhood I worry that if I do see her I will beat the crap out of her. Oh and she wore a long white chiffon dress to our wedding. THAT wasn't creepy to people at all.
A few years ago, when they went to a nursing home, SIL created a collage with family pictures. Most of the pictures are of her family, one of my children only, and one of my H. NOT A SINGLE ONE of mine. Does that tell you anything????
After they died H brought some of his parents' things back including the collage with the pictures. That's when he noticed I was not in any of them and he apologized. Too late....he always made excuses for them and now after they died he will admit to that.
The final blow was when they came to our house the week of our older son's high school graduation, and they opted to leave 2 days before the actual graduation giving us the stupid excuse that they had plans with their friends. That's when I wrote them off 100% and told H so. So did our sons. Our younger son doesn't even know his grandmother's name. That goes to show you the "warm relationship" between H's parents and our sons. ( sarcasm here)
I learned from this and I made a point to have a good relationship with my daughters-in-law. My older son's wife and I enjoy and good relationship. Early on I made the decision that however much I may not approve of who they marry, I will make a point to be civil, and even force myself to like them.If one of our sons ever has an A and I find out, I'll kick his a$$ regardless of how old e may be, and I will side with the DIL. Period.