Go to the upper left-hand corner to the Library. There are tons of articles there, and a list of abbreviations and their meanings.
There will be others to give you advice; I just wanted to give you a hug to let you know you have been heard and to send you to the Library so being on this forum is not so frustrating for you.
Here are the abbreviations; hope that helps.
Many of us here have suffered through numerous breaks in "no contact". Just drives a stake through your heart. He is cake eating. I'm so sorry hon but you can't "nice" him back into the marriage.
Look up the 180 under the healing library and start thinking about "you". I would see an attorney and begin the process. You can stop it at any time, but it shows him you are not going to put up with his shit.
Does his tramping girlfriend have a spouse/boyfriend? If so, contact that person immediately and out her sorry ass. Don't tell your husband that you are going to do this, just do it. Heads will roll then!
Secondly, I am really sorry. But all of us have been there in one way or another. Honestly, I would say if he felt like continuing to do this after you found out that he doesn't really love you the way he should to deserve you to stay with him. It is your choice and only you know the truth about your relationship but I wish you the best and hope you find peace in whatever you do decide.
D-Day - July 12, 2013
You need to do a few things to protect you, and you kids though.
1. See a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and how things would play out should you go down the road to D.
2. Get STD tested. You don't know what he has been exposed to at this point, and need to protect your health. If you are letting him stay in your home, and having sex, then DEMAND he get tested as well, or he gloves up any time that you are intimate.
3. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Seems obvious, but can be very difficult for a person who has just been thrown into this shitstorm. If you are having trouble with these things, talk to your Dr, and get a little pharmaceutical assistance.
It's really up to you at this point how this goes. You get to say if you want him or not. You also get to lay down the terms of what he needs to do if he is staying. The first of which is to establish and maintain NC (no Contact) with the OW (other woman). Nothing fancy, just it's over, I'm working things out with my wife, my family is my priority, please do not contact me again.
Next you need to let her partner/spouse know what's going on if she has one. A's (affairs) thrive in secrecy, and blowing the secret wide open helps to stop things.
Be prepared for him to break NC, many WS's (wayward spouses) do. It often takes something very drastic on the BS's (betrayed spouses) part to really wake them up. You cannot nice him back into the marriage. This does not work. Ask any of us.
I also want you to know that no matter his excuses, this has ZERO to do with you. He didn't do this because you weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or fun enough. This is all on him, he is broken, and had crappy boundaries, and coping skills. He has to fix that. You can't fix it for him.
Deep breaths, and know that you will survive this, no matter the outcome, you will be smarter, stronger, and a better mom for it.
If he's having a problem deciding if he wants to stay or go, and has one foot out the door, boot him the rest of the way out and make the decision for him. A marriage consists of two people, not three. If he can't grasp that simple fact, then tell him he can go sofa-surf until he either pulls his head out of his ass or he finds his own apartment.
You do not have to put up with this shit. As a matter of fact, you should not. You are not option B, you are the prize. (((more hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
FTG: Fuck That Guy/Girl
Ask him to prove it. Not with just words, but with actions that back up those words.
Transparency: Total access to his phone, computer, etc...ALL passwords.
Accountability: Be where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there. Grocery store? Bring a receipt home. Stop to get gas? Receipt. Delayed at work? Take a picture of the clock at work. Answer his phone no matter what. Even if he can't talk, he can answer and just let you listen. etc....
Remorse: Show remorse by getting to the root of his issues with a qualified professional. Be available for you. Support you. Be patient with you.
Truth: He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he needs to tell you the truth. No candy coating, no hem hawing, no beating around the bush. The truth will hurt, but lies will kill whatever chances he has of earning any of your trust back. How can you even think of forgiving him one day if you don't know what you're forgiving him for??
This is just a few of the things he can do toSHOW you and prove to you that he's committed to repairing the marriage.
It takes time, even if he does everything right. Trust can be broken in an instant, but takes a long time to rebuild, and can be set back to zero in the blink of an eye. The longer he proves he is trustworthy, the closer you'll get to actually trusting him (although you may never regain "blind trust" again).
You don't have to make any decisions right now. It's okay to let him know what you need, what you demand, in order to consider allowing him to try to reconcile the marriage.
*don't worry about the abbreviations. It took me a while and I'm an old fart. You'll pick it up . If you're ever confused about something, just ask. Someone will always be willing to explain it or help you out.
[This message edited by unfound at 6:17 PM, September 6th (Friday)]