That said, your DDay was so recent, that the emotions are likely still processing. As you work through this, it's possible that your perspective on your M may fluctuate. Recovering from infidelity is quite the process. Are you seeing a counselor? Doing so helped me to get my head around the whole situation.
If you are truly at the stage of being ready to take the lessons and move on my hat is off to you, because 13 months later I'm not even halfway there. You are strong.
Just be sure you are not bullshitting yourself like I have many times along this whole process.
[This message edited by sartre at 11:22 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
The only way I have been able to survive and move on was to say what's done is done. I cant change the past, but I can certainly change the future. Sure there are millions of so-called experts on how to maintain a good relationship. But fact of the matter is that its not the relationship you maintain. Its the person your with that needs maintaining. We are all different. Some are easy to please, others not so much. And some simply cant be happy no matter what you do. The only option available after D is to learn from your mistakes, grow yourself into a better person, work on yourself and your happiness. Once you get comfortable with being you everything else falls into place. Regret is a no win emotion. Cant change what has happened. But you certainly can learn from it and move forward. And that my brother is all you can do.
So whilst I think you and I can take 50% responsibility for problems in the M how much of our part in that is tolerating the bullshit WS pull when in the A mindset and adding to that toxicity ourselves by our own fucked up coping mechanisms?
I wasn't just a good wife because I didn't fuck around - he wasn't just a shit husband because he DID fuck around.
Like Stronger said when they are in an WS mindset (usually happens for quite some time before they technically become WS) everything we do displeases them. We are set up to fail by design to justify what they are thinking of doing or are actually doing ie: betraying themselves.
I had the shittest husband on the planet. He admitted so himself. I didn't cheat during our relationship. I betrayed myself by staying unhappy instead.
The thing that several counselors and several divorced people have helped me realize is that once he went into A mode, there was not one damn thing I could have done to "fix" the problems he claimed I had.
You see, he didn't say that "we" had problems, just me. But he didn't decide to tell me things I did bothered him until he was safely entrenched in the life of OW and had made an exit before letting anyone here know he did. When someone stops communicating, I don't think there's anything the other person can do, but our self esteem takes a hit an A is very powerful, causing us to question. Could I have...should I have...what if I had? and so on. I corrected any "problem" he mentioned, I faced phobias all alone and still he is gone. Long, long gone.
Yes, like you say, sunsets, it was their choice. Now we have our choices to make and I think that your plans for "next time" are good ones.
We have to figure out how to stop beating ourselves up over what they did, so that we can become who we were meant to be. And, FWIW, it makes me feel better to hear that people think if Perv was capable of this to me/us, then OW may not fare any better, when the going gets tough...trying to say that it wasn't only about me and maybe it wasn't only about you. I hope that came out right.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
In the end he was unhappy with himself and it didnt matter what I did.
I think this also rings true.
I know there were dynamics in my M that didn't help anything and I own those. I have spent a lot of time explaining (defending) to WS that I feel like I was doing all I knew, and all I could. That I had been working on myself for almost 5 years since his EA, and letting go of a lot of my control issues and anger.
In the end, I don't believe that he noticed my changes. I don't think he was working on himself much either.
I had begged him to go to counseling after his EA, telling him that I would not go through that again. He refused. 5 years later, here I am.
It's so heartbreaking looking back and seeing the things we could have, should have done.
I see you've moved on. You can be a good person and a good partner in the future. Only you can figure out how to do that for yourself, and counseling can definitely help.