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sunsetslost posted 9/6/2013 13:12 PM

I found a letter today that my WW wrote about a year ago. It began to describe her unhappiness. I realized soon after she told me she had no intention of R the mistakes that I had made in the M. I read the letter and realized that I did exactly zero of what she had asked me to do. I thought that supporting her and providing for her and managing our family was the way to be a good husband. Meanwhile I let my own limitations as a person drive a wedge between us that never got addressed. Don't get me wrong. 50/50/100 is what I know is right. She had her issues as well. Job losses. Depression. But other than that letter she chose to suffer in silence. When things were good they were really good. When things weren't so good I chalked it up to 8 years, we'll get through it eventually. I took her love for granted and she took it to another man. I know I didn't cause her to have an affair. Her choice to blow it all up. The only thing to do now is take these lessons and move on in my life. The next girl that falls for me is going to be a very lucky woman. I now know what it takes to stay in love.
Love and strength to you all.

Phoenix9572 posted 9/6/2013 13:40 PM

Sorry sunsets. I know that must have been a difficult letter to read. You are right we all have a part in the demise of our marriages but they made they choices to go outside. That doesnt fix anything.
Be thankful that you have an idea of what you WW was missing from you so that you can be a better partner in the next relationship. However, My WH and I had a conversation almost a year ago and he told me all the things that he was unhappy about. Some of them were me and my outlook and some were just about my looks. I worked hard at trying to change my perspective and my image. I lost 50 pounds and started to look at things in a better/different light. He said he appreciated all the changes I made. In the end he was unhappy with himself and it didnt matter what I did.
Be happy with who you are and hopefully the rest will fall in place.

Heal&Deal posted 9/6/2013 22:59 PM

The truth is that none of us were perfect partners, and we can all learn and grow through our experiences.

That said, your DDay was so recent, that the emotions are likely still processing. As you work through this, it's possible that your perspective on your M may fluctuate. Recovering from infidelity is quite the process. Are you seeing a counselor? Doing so helped me to get my head around the whole situation.

sartre posted 9/6/2013 23:21 PM

I have those letters as well sunsetslost. In fact I have 3 of them over a 3 year period. Together 6 years rather than your 8. My wife took her love to a lot of different men.

If you are truly at the stage of being ready to take the lessons and move on my hat is off to you, because 13 months later I'm not even halfway there. You are strong.

Just be sure you are not bullshitting yourself like I have many times along this whole process.

[This message edited by sartre at 11:22 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

stronger08 posted 9/7/2013 03:23 AM

The problem we have with dealing with post A divorce is that you cant tell what's fact from fiction. Those letters could have been written in sincerity or they could be a bunch of blame deflecting Bullshit. My XWW wrote me letters, had conversations with me etc. But the bottom line was I could never make her happy. She complained about my long working hours. I took a step down at work from a lucrative paying sales job to a lesser paying operations position. Less hours = less pay. Sure as shit her next complaint was money. At least in my case all of her complaints and my attempt at pleasing her only led to other complaints. I could go on and on but this is the pattern of it all. After awhile I just stopped trying because I was always set up to fail. Now the big kicker here is that during these times it turned out she was either having an PA or an EA with some asshole. At the time I did not know of these. When I finally D her I thought I was dealing with just one A. But as it turns out there were others that I was either too blind to see or she kept them from me. Like a criminal a lot of WS don't get caught their first time out or second, third etc. Truth be told I was handed a big line of shit from the time I met her. So as you can see its difficult to figure out what was sincere and what was just WS blameshifting.

The only way I have been able to survive and move on was to say what's done is done. I cant change the past, but I can certainly change the future. Sure there are millions of so-called experts on how to maintain a good relationship. But fact of the matter is that its not the relationship you maintain. Its the person your with that needs maintaining. We are all different. Some are easy to please, others not so much. And some simply cant be happy no matter what you do. The only option available after D is to learn from your mistakes, grow yourself into a better person, work on yourself and your happiness. Once you get comfortable with being you everything else falls into place. Regret is a no win emotion. Cant change what has happened. But you certainly can learn from it and move forward. And that my brother is all you can do.

SBB posted 9/7/2013 05:04 AM

Hindsight is 20/20 - yes there were things I did that weren't conducive to a happy marriage but its a bit chicken and egg - how can you be connected to someone who is disconnected enough from themselves to embark on an EA/PA or dry drunk slippery slope shit?

You can't.

So whilst I think you and I can take 50% responsibility for problems in the M how much of our part in that is tolerating the bullshit WS pull when in the A mindset and adding to that toxicity ourselves by our own fucked up coping mechanisms?

I wasn't just a good wife because I didn't fuck around - he wasn't just a shit husband because he DID fuck around.

Like Stronger said when they are in an WS mindset (usually happens for quite some time before they technically become WS) everything we do displeases them. We are set up to fail by design to justify what they are thinking of doing or are actually doing ie: betraying themselves.

I had the shittest husband on the planet. He admitted so himself. I didn't cheat during our relationship. I betrayed myself by staying unhappy instead.

sunsetslost posted 9/7/2013 09:47 AM

Thank you for the replies. I am in counseling. Even though I'm only a few months out I have made the decision to move on. She had an exit affair. She wanted out for a long time. We were two broken people who for some reason refused to work on ourselves. Now it's too late for us. She is gone and I don't want her back. We grew apart and we both watched it happen. We pretended things were fine mostly but the fights and resentment got more intense the last year. All I can do is take these lessons and move on. I'll deal with the loss, the sorrow, the regret and the pain the best way I can.

kernel posted 9/7/2013 22:55 PM

((sunsets)) Don't be too hard on yourself. If your WW was considering an affair or in the midst of EA/PA when she wrote that letter, then it's all rationalizing her choice to have an affair. Don't be so quick to believe her analysis of your character - consider the source, you know?

Ashland13 posted 9/8/2013 12:04 PM

This is something that I grapple with often.

The thing that several counselors and several divorced people have helped me realize is that once he went into A mode, there was not one damn thing I could have done to "fix" the problems he claimed I had.

You see, he didn't say that "we" had problems, just me. But he didn't decide to tell me things I did bothered him until he was safely entrenched in the life of OW and had made an exit before letting anyone here know he did. When someone stops communicating, I don't think there's anything the other person can do, but our self esteem takes a hit an A is very powerful, causing us to question. Could I have...should I have...what if I had? and so on. I corrected any "problem" he mentioned, I faced phobias all alone and still he is gone. Long, long gone.

Yes, like you say, sunsets, it was their choice. Now we have our choices to make and I think that your plans for "next time" are good ones.

We have to figure out how to stop beating ourselves up over what they did, so that we can become who we were meant to be. And, FWIW, it makes me feel better to hear that people think if Perv was capable of this to me/us, then OW may not fare any better, when the going gets tough...trying to say that it wasn't only about me and maybe it wasn't only about you. I hope that came out right.

myperfectlife posted 9/8/2013 18:29 PM

In the end he was unhappy with himself and it didnt matter what I did.

I think this also rings true.
I know there were dynamics in my M that didn't help anything and I own those. I have spent a lot of time explaining (defending) to WS that I feel like I was doing all I knew, and all I could. That I had been working on myself for almost 5 years since his EA, and letting go of a lot of my control issues and anger.
In the end, I don't believe that he noticed my changes. I don't think he was working on himself much either.
I had begged him to go to counseling after his EA, telling him that I would not go through that again. He refused. 5 years later, here I am.
It's so heartbreaking looking back and seeing the things we could have, should have done.
I see you've moved on. You can be a good person and a good partner in the future. Only you can figure out how to do that for yourself, and counseling can definitely help.
Good luck.

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