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17 year anniversary next week:(

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Bikingguy posted 9/6/2013 13:38 PM

Just shy of 8 months post d day and not sure how to celebrate

About a month or so WW asked if I even wanted to celebrate and then I was up for it. Since then I have become much more depressed and don't really with to do anything. We talked about getting out of town for the weekend but right now it must seems like too much work trying to find sitters for the kids and our dog.

Work stress for me is at an all time high. Worst it has been in 17 years. I have been getting stomach aches similar to ones caused by the A, and have lost all mojo. This depression easily moves into home life. We have had a rough week of not really communicating well.

So I hate my job (am sitting at McD's for a long lunch), and don't really enjoy being home. For the record WW has become a different person after d day and is fighting hard to help me and us heal. I just am still trying to process this.

Sorry, I realize I am just rambling and don't really have a point. Just not in a good place right now.

Andthencraigslis posted 9/6/2013 14:01 PM

So sorry, have you thought about seeing your doctor for some anxiety/depression meds? Could help take the edge off for you. Take care of yourself.

Razor posted 9/6/2013 14:15 PM

Anniversaries are always hard for me. Because for the life of me I dont know what I am celebrating?

Anniversary of WHAT? Of a day when WW put on a big white dress and made promises she would not keep. I dont see the point in celebrating that.

After DDay I asked WW to set up a new ceremony for us to renew our vows. She thought this a great idea but never followed thru. I guess it was too much trouble.

Personally I always get depressed on anniversary dates. And trust me Hallmark does NOT make a card for our situation. I know. Ive looked.

What I do is to try and placate WW on anniversaries. She for some reason unfathomed by me she wants to celebrate them. I try and go along and make the best I can of it hoping that the date will pass quickly.

The date will come and it will pass. You will get through it. There will be allot of conflicting emotions you feel and it will be a hard time. But you will get thru it and be ok.

Bikingguy posted 9/6/2013 14:42 PM


I am real close to making an appointment with DR. But I think I will visit with IC first. Being a non drinker most meds do a number on.


Thanks. I think I might take the day and go on a really long bike ride - by myself, and use the massage coupon WW gave me for my birthday. We only have one soccer game early and the rest of the day is wide open.

LosferWords posted 9/6/2013 14:45 PM

Bikingguy - You aren't rambling at all. I can really identify with how you feel.

Like you, my wife had a 15 year affair. I could have written something very similar to this post when I was about 9 months past d-day. I was 1,800 miles away from my family, working for an "indefinite" period of time, putting in six to seven 12-hour shifts a week. Our company had stress counselors on site, due to the stress of the job, and I was dealing with all of this on top of still trying to process the affair. The date that got me during that time wasn't an anniversary, it was my birthday.

A lot of times special dates, like birthdays, holidays, and especially anniversaries can be a really rough time when dealing with depression and pain from the affair, and it can be magnified through daily stress in what would normally be our ordinary lives.

A couple of months after my work trip, I really had to reach out and get some help for my depression. Please keep an eye on that. Try to treat yourself to as much as you can... whether it's a bike ride on your lunch, or a hoagy at your favorite sandwich shop... whatever makes you happy. If none of that works, there is no shame in seeking medical attention. That's what I had to do.

Regarding the anniversary - deal with that however you want to, and however you feel like. Be open and honest with your wife about how you feel about it now, versus a few months ago. There's also the option of going out and recognizing your anniversary, versus celebrating it. If you already have plans for a nice meal or something with your wife, you can always use that time to talk, reflect, and well, have a good meal.

Just wanted throw a couple ideas out there, but most of all I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel at this stage of your healing. I know that it sucks. I know that it hurts. You will get through it. Hang in there.

Take care.

ETA: Looks like I cross posted with you. Wanted to let you know that I tried IC first, and that was a great deal of help to me. I ended up going on meds anyway, but the tools I learned in IC have helped me a great deal ever since going off the meds. Good luck.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 2:56 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Bikingguy posted 9/14/2013 00:41 AM

Well so much for an all day bike ride to take my mind off this. Small case of hemorrhoids..
If there is such a thing!

The hits just keep coming

stronger08 posted 9/14/2013 03:37 AM

Dude, everything you are listing was/is a direct result of your WW A. I'm not saying that she is responsible for the shitty work conditions. But what she has done is weaken you to a point that you don't have the capability to handle any other stresses that come your way. There is a domino effect that infidelity introduces in ones life. And your feeling that effect now. Your health symptoms are all stress related illnesses. Also your diminished ability at work also stems for the original malady of infidelity. Don't take this lightly as it could an extremely dangerous environment for you. Aside from the serious health issues that will result, your career and professional reputation will go down the toilet along with it. I strongly urge you to seek out professional help. Both mentally and physically. To me it sounds like your depression is getting the better of you. And you most likely are suffering from PTSD as well. Your not the first guy to go down this road. In fact I did as well. I developed severe bleeding ulcers which led to internal bleeding. At the time I thought I had the flu as my resistance was at an all time low. When I passed out from loss of blood on a public transportation system is when I found out the seriousness of what infidelity had done to me. I spent a week in the hospital after having emergency surgery to repair a silver dollar sized hole in my stomach lining.

The first thing they asked me in the hospital was if I was going through any personal problems of late. Naturally I lied and said no because I was too embarrassed to go into what the issues were. It was soon after that I found SI and started to realize that what I was going through was textbook BS syndrome. I was depressed, lost a ton of weight, was not eating much if any, started drinking too much etc. And my work was suffering along with my health. My productivity was near zero as I could not concentrate on the tasks at hand. And trust me it was noticed from the higher ups. A member here at the time took me under her wing. She explained to me that everything I was experiencing was directly related to my XWW infidelity. As a newbie I did not understand the far reaching tentacles that infidelity actually has. She encouraged me to seek out IC and to attend to my physical as well. She also suggested that I speak to my boss and/or HR and explain my situation.

I finally took her advice and started to reclaim my life. I was very surprised at my employers support after I told them about what was going on. They told me that they had noticed my decline and were very happy that I decided to explain my sudden decrease in my work performance. I was referred to an employee assistance program they had and they actually set me up with and paid for my first 3 IC sessions. They insisted I take a couple of week off to get myself together. Again I was surprised that they did not even take away any of my accrued vacation days either. All in all it was a very life saving experience for me. But the first thing I had to do was realize everything that was going on had one single catalyst. And that was my WW A. Things became much better for me after I took back control of my health and my mental stability. I see very many parallels between both of our experiences. I want to urge you like I was urged by another SI member to not only see what's going on. But to take the initiative and make things better for yourself. As for you anniversary, I personally would not celebrate it if your not feeling up to it. Your WW needs to understand that her A created much collateral damage. Not only to herself, but to everyone around her. And this is just another consequence of her behaviors. Don't mask or hide your feelings towards her. Its very counter productive towards R IMHO. I wish you peace and good health my friend.

DeadMumWalking posted 9/14/2013 05:37 AM


I'm so sorry for your pain, and I completely understand.

I 'celebrated' my 20th anni (first after dday) by photocopying 20 copies of my marriage certificate and then spent the next few hours tearing each one into zillions of tiny pieces. While getting drunk, of course. And crying.

Be gentle with yourself.


inca posted 9/14/2013 10:05 AM

Hi Bikingguy,

I am 19 months out and have had two anniversaries to celebrate and guess what? I don't anymore. My 15 year anniversary just came and went and Nothing was said other than I am sorry.

However you feel about that day is totally normal and you get to decide what that day is like.

I agree with the others that you sound like you should check in about meds, no shame there. If it were your child, or mom, or good friend, wouldn't you suggest the same?

Take care.

Bikingguy posted 9/14/2013 10:12 AM

Lol. I just realized the T shirt I grabbed for today (anniversary) is from Florida vacation to Kennedy space center. The t shirt says "I need my space". Honest it was not on purpose.

FYI. We have told no one, except for one or two here. WW just posted on social media about our anniversary. She admitted to making big mistakes and very happy we are still together. This is a big step on her part

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