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Abbondad posted 9/6/2013 15:36 PM

Hi, Everyone,

I've been peering into this forum from S/D looking for some hope and inspiration. Loneliness is setting in as my children are leaving for the weekend with my STBXWW.

I miss having a female companion very badly. Before my relationship of almost twelve years, I was in a one-year relationship, and before that, a five-year relationship.

(That brings me all the way back to my late-twenties; before that it was all about school. No significant relationships.)

I am not planning on jumping into any "rebound relationship" or anything like that. But I am looking toward the future. I know I'm just experiencing a bout of self-pity, but I'd really like to hear some stories from those of you who are happily remarried or who have found a life-partner after such devastation.

Just a little "emotional nudge" and hope are needed at this time...

Thanks!

Williesmom posted 9/6/2013 15:42 PM

Abbondad-

I have not remarried or found a life partner. I have been divorced for 5 years.

What have I found? Me. A life that doesn't revolve around the most selfish man ever.
I have found peace, contentment, and joy.

I have taken the shit sandwich that we've all been served and I have added some friends (male and female), 4 dogs, and an awesome job.

It's not the life that I imagined for myselfe, but it is a better life than I ever could have dreamed. I now have control of my own destiny.

Welcome to the NB forum. It's a very cool place with a great support system.

osxgirl posted 9/6/2013 15:47 PM

You'll be fine Abbondad.

This year will be the 6th anniversary for my DH and me.

I won't go into all the stories about my X, but believe me, I had little reason to think I would ever trust someone else again.

But the best thing through all of it... after the D, I went through a period where I dated, and had some really big ups and downs. Eventually, I realized that I shouldn't have been dating at all.

I took about a year or so off after that. I met DH through OLD, but at the time, I was just sort of casually looking, and almost didn't answer him when he contacted me. I had gotten to a point where I was pretty happy on my own.

More than that... although I love him with all my heart, I know that if anything happened and I was on my own again, I'd be ok. I'd get over it, and I would enjoy my life, even if I spent the rest of it without a partner - I don't say "alone", because I would still have family and friends around.

I prefer being with someone, and am happy I met DH. But I would have been good by myself too.

So... don't worry about it. Work on yourself. Figure out what you really like to do, and do it. Enjoy your life.

And eventually, if someone comes along that you would enjoy spending your life with.... it's a great bonus.

7yrsflushed posted 9/6/2013 15:47 PM

Others will be along shortly I am sure but I wanted to chime in and say while I am not looking for a relationship I have met some great women and people in general over the last 3 months. I even have one friend that I hang out with on a consistent basis. She's been divorced for 8 years and "get's it". We were both up front with each other and she knows I am not ready for a relationship but we do enjoy spending time together so we mutually agreed to friendzone each other.

My suggestion would be to get out to some events where people are and just have fun. If you haven't check to see if there are any "meetups" happening in your area that you want to attend. It's a great way to meet people with like interests.

soulsearcher4 posted 9/6/2013 16:43 PM

Do one thing for all of us. Really focus all of your energy on you.

I haven't read (much) of your story, but you have children. They take an incredible amount of energy, especially when you're going through this.

You've been also dealing with (failed) reconciling, S/D, and a veritable mountain of issues that follow. Making sure you and your kids are safe or at least taken care of.

For this weekend (at the very least, really take A LOT more time doing this), find out who you are again. You've changed. A lot. It can only be for the better if you take the time to understand how you've changed.

Also re-discover youself. Interests you've forgotten about or things you wanted to do but never got around to. Spend time with friends and family you hadn't spent much time with recently.

This time is invaluable. Re-center and re-focus yourself. Only if you do the work on yourself will you be happy. Someone can temporarily fill that void, but it is only temporary, and it will set you backwards.

The female companionship and relationships? They'll come. It'll take time but they'll come.

Happiness IS on the other side of S/D. As long as you focus on making yourself happy instead of finding someone to make you happy, you're well on your way.

hoya96 posted 9/6/2013 16:45 PM

I am happily married to a man who I trust completely after my husband blindsided me by leaving me for my best friend. I lost my husband and my best friend in one fell swoop.

Even my IC says she can't believe I am in the place I am. It's been WORK - I did weekly counseling for 2 years, then biweekly for one more. I have read a library of books. I actively engage in self-care (exercise regularly, make time for me). It didn't "just" happen - but it DID happen.

You can be happy and whole again. That's not to say I am entirely healed or I don't still get incredibly stressed or have flashes of anger (especially since ex and the OW have done anything but "move on" from my life) - but I AM doing really well.

Human resiliency is amazing.

Catwoman posted 9/6/2013 17:15 PM

I am happy with my beloved Garage Door Man for he last 3+ years.

But what helped me more than anything was getting involved in an activity I totally love. It was something my ex wouldn't have put himself out for me to do. That, more than any relationship, has been my lifeline.

I am starting my 11th year singing with this professional organization. The time spent rehearsing, practicing at home and performing has been a real blessing.

I recommend you do something for you. Do yo have a neglected hobby? Something you used to enjoy before you got on the dad and career track? If do, now is the time to pursue it.

Cat

Abbondad posted 9/6/2013 17:23 PM

Thank you, everyone.

Yes, yes, and I do and I do and I will...

:-)

I spend time with friends, I play in a band occasionally, I am very busy at work, I exercise, I go to therapy once a week... I am OK in general considering what I've been through and am going through.

But I am lonely, quite simply. I am just going through one of those "I will never meet someone again" phases..." It's helpful to read the "I found love again" stories....

million pieces posted 9/6/2013 19:25 PM

AD, I have met a wonderful man and have been taking things slowly. It is a wonderful relationship, but we are still feeling out how we will join our lives as we both have kids.

But I just have to say, that my 97 yr old grandfather found love this past year when he was put in a nursing home (end stage AVS) last December. 97!!!! He was with my grandmother for over 70 yrs and then she passed 7 years ago. My grandpa and his lady are sooooo freaking sweet, I'll try to post a pic of them

[This message edited by million pieces at 7:29 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Abbondad posted 9/6/2013 19:27 PM

But I just have to say, that my 97 yr old grandfather found love this past year when he was put in a nursing home (end stage AVS) last December. 97!!!! He was with my grandmother for over 70 yrs and then she passed 7 years ago
.

I love it!

million pieces posted 9/6/2013 19:30 PM

yikes, not the best pic

Abbondad posted 9/6/2013 19:32 PM

Thank you! Beautiful. I hope I don't have to wait fifty years, though ;-)

Catwoman posted 9/6/2013 19:41 PM

My GDM attended a series of workshops on "men in transition." He felt it was really helpful. The course focused on finding new balance in a new life, not throwing yourself into work, pills, booze, etc., but learning to accept and embrace the "new normal."

The course was also pretty specific about waiting at least a year to date. I met GDM nearly two years after he separated and nearly 1.5 years after the divorce was final. My divorce had been final nearly 4 years at that point, and I had dated and had had (in retrospect) ill advised relationships.

I attribute the success of our relationship in part to our individual healing and comfort level with being unmarried.

We also held back on becoming intimate, discussed our expectations about the same and reached agreement on our expectations in regards to the relationship. I don't think that happens without a real sense of self and a comfort level with being alone.

His marriage did not experience infidelity, FYI. I think those that believe that only BSes can relate to each other are barking up the wrong tree, I have dated other BSes. I don't think their BS-hood makes one iota of difference in the relationship.

We do not live together, even though he has no children at home and I have one away at college. We see each other nearly very weekend (we are about 25 minutes apart--it was 40 but I moved closer as I downsized last year) and often have dinner together during the week. We do not spend the night when either of us has an offspring in the home. We both believe that to be uncomfortable for the offspring.

I am rambling, but the point is that you can have a successful, enjoyable relationship with another adult without being joined at the hip, living together or spending every waking free minute together. We are both richer for our individual pursuits and passions.

Cat

Sad in AZ posted 9/6/2013 21:12 PM

I just have to say...chill the f@ck out, dude. Seriously. Why look for trouble? Just enjoy being you for once in your life.

I S at 55; D at 56; I'm now 59; I've moved 3 times since I S; I'm now where I think I need to be, looking for a job because the one I moved here for evaporated. Life is good.

There is no script; just enjoy it.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 9:13 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Mandilwen posted 9/6/2013 21:33 PM

I remember that phase of loneliness. I think SI peeps give the best advice, but this "new beginning" phase was the hardest for me because it seemed like it didn't apply to me. I had hobbies, family, friends, work, etc...when i was married. The only thing that changed about my life was I had no partner. I was also used to being alone since he was deployed half our marriage, but it is completely different when you're alone "by court decree" lol!

I did take SI advice to wait at least a year after divorce to "seriously" date. It just seemed logical to me. I know there are many factors to healing, but I could see then that I wouldn't have wanted to date me. Not that I had low self-worth, but my ex still took up head space while I tried to get my footing in my new life.

I just focused on my kids when I had them, and kept plugging away. Around 6 months after, I dated a few guys. I was upfront that I was recently divorced, not looking for anything serious, just dinner and adult conversation. They were great dates because it took off the pressure of trying to impress for long term benefits. Then I started to look at a former acquaintance differently, and we've been together over two years now.

You keep doing your thing, and things will eventually fall into place.

Chrysalis123 posted 9/6/2013 23:01 PM

I am not remarried or with a partner.

What I have is me, and I am very content with my life 5 years after divorce.

At first, after the D, I felt grief at being alone, almost a panic. NOT GOOD because I started dating and feeling all worked up over men that I had no business obsessing over.

Now, I.don't.care....

And I love the feeling of freedom over being OK with me. I am all I need, and I will be happy with me regardless of what happens.

uncertainone posted 9/7/2013 13:19 PM

Happiness doesn't require a partner. It does insist on a partnership with yourself. Work together. We are all the sum of parts. The loner. The companion. The comedian. The comforter. The fighter. The lover. The mourner. The friend. The confidant.

Sadly, some of us have never even met a few of those delicious parts or have exiled them.

There is always someone else for us. Always. There is never someone else to be us.

If you can really truly enjoy yourself and understand clearly the difference between solitude and loneliness you'll be good and know how sure the happy story is.

After all, as Katharine Hepburn brilliant states, "If you need a helping hand, you can alway find one at the end of your arm".

IrishLass518 posted 9/7/2013 19:44 PM

I am another "non dating" member. I too went through the loneliness phase and I recognized that if I just went out and started a relationship I would not be fair to someone else or to myself. I got through the phase. I started to like little aspects of my "alone life". After awhile I liked more and more of the "alone life". Then I really started making life plans and choices for ME. I started taking care of ME. I found that I liked my life more and more. I have goals and ambitions and I enjoy the pursuit through the hard times, they are making me stronger, wiser. I appreciate me now. I am actually thinking about a possible relationship in the future, not because I NEED someone to make me feel better about me but because I WANT to share my life with someone who would appreciate me and I them. However, I have come to realize that if it never happens, I am happy on my own and if it should happen and the relationship fell apart I would be just fine again

persevere posted 9/8/2013 00:23 AM

I'm not quite three years out and I do date, but I'm very mindful of the wise SI advice. I do not plan to lose myself in my partner - I've worked too hard to find me.

9.10.11 posted 9/8/2013 11:15 AM

I'm almost 2 yrs out, 1 yr since the big D was final. I am really happy...but I have to make MYSELF happy. The only person in control of your happiness is you. I focus on the glass being half full, laugh more, smile more, and regret less. I found someone pretty quick that I could live with for the rest of my life...but if she isn't for it I know I can find someone else.

Keep your head up, Abbondad! It gets better!

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