(((Coz))) You're obviously working really hard at this and trying to be clear eyed, which speaks so well for you. But you're still taking too much responsibility on yourself.
The first step is realizing/figuring out who you married. Really seeing them; not just what you want to see, not just who you thought they were, not just who you trusted them to be, but THEM.
It's like establishing a baseline. In my observations, that shock, that immediate pain and disconnect we all feel when a DD hits is a natural step for reestablishing that very thing: "Who is this person?" It's a terribly hard step, but vitally important.
After that, after we move past the confusion of who the person standing in front of us is (THIS MAY TAKE SOME TIME) we've done our part in the trust process.
Literally, everything else is up to them. They have to earn the trust. They have to establish themselves as people that can be trusted, that should be trusted.
Part of this whole process is learning what people choose for themselves, for both the WS and BS. Does your WH choose to be someone you can trust? That's what you should be asking yourself, Coz.
[This message edited by Reality at 5:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)]