And then cry with her over how unfair this all is.
Let her see your pain ttmu.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Whatever it is which speaks to her is the clearest way to convey what you "feel" to her.
For me, to have my struggle acknowledged and validated would be huge, to just be acknowledged and empathized with (not shown how to fix things, or what I could do to make my life better, or excuses made for the triggers or other teeth kicking incidents, not having him be "angry" for me, or even agreeing that life is unjust and not fair, but to be acknowledged), but your BS may need something different.
As a BGF, I can tell you there is no easy solution. It's almost easier to tell you what not to do. But if you're a caring loving husband who's been reading up here, I'm sure you already know those things.
I think what was mentioned earlier about holding her and just being there for her, is perfect. I also think it helps when some of the stresses are removed. Sometimes being a mom, while in so much pain, can be impossible. Maybe telling her to go relax while you get the kids dinner, baths, and put to bed. It's not about her needing to relax. It's more about needing the time alone to think, and work through what's in our head. For us to recover, it's going to be harder than any job we've ever done. And while on the outside it may look like we're lazy, just sleeping, or not wanting to lift a finger to work....the reality is ALL our energy is going into working through this. I'd do whatever I could to make her able to accomplish this without feeling like her other responsibilities are suffering as a result.
I've been down this road two other times, in failed relationships, and I always wished they would help with this part (without me telling them). It's good that you see she's in pain. Be there for her, and keep trying ....
Maybe telling her to go relax while you get the kids dinner, baths, and put to bed
This much I did do... Well, sort of anyway.
I think the biggest struggle for me is thinking of different ways to say I'm sorry and I understand! So much has been going wrong that I'm running out of words. I don't want it to seem like I'm giving canned responses, y'know? I like to think I have a pretty wide vocabulary, but the biggest thesaurus still has a finite number of entries.
I just want her to know I care. I understand that I can't stop the world from turning, I can't protect her from every trigger, that shit happens to everyone.