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I don't know what I want

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Girlietoo posted 9/6/2013 20:29 PM

Background- WH and I are in R. I agreed to give myself one year prior to making any decisions about my future. The truth is, I love my husband. Very much. The thought of being without him breaks my heart. Not to mention we have children and I very much want to keep our family together.

I know my WH is remorseful and very much wants to stay together. I have used a variety of spying methods and lets just say I'm very confident that he is not in contact with his AP and hasn't been since the day before DDay.

My problem is that my WH isn't giving me what I need to feel loved and secure. He tells me he loves me and all the usual stuff. Says he is sorry, cry occasionally. He goes to MC with me. But I feel like I need extra rigt now. A lot extra.

We are rarely intimate now, he says because I cry when he touches me (that's true I do have mind movies and this results in crying), yet I still want some HB time!! He spends time in the evening downstairs watching TV, no longer texting his AP, but it triggers me none the less. He has very little patience for me "going down the rabbit hole" as he says.

I really and truly want to R with my husband. But I am so lonely, so insecure, so...everything. And I want to talk to him about it but I don't even know what to say without sounding like a needy wife. Btw- I have a strong aversion to appearing needy and/or desperate. But I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Any advice on what I can say/do to express how I am feeling and let my WH know, without it sounding like a threat, that he is losing me and unless he steps up the end of the one year waiting period won't have a happy ending?

Keepcalm posted 9/6/2013 23:06 PM

I am also having a difficult time reconnecting with my husband. In MC he has been told that he needs to "woo me", as if we are dating. He doesn't, he treats me as he always has. He either doesn't care or is incapable of stepping up his game.
I have been hurt so badly, it is almost like I need him to prove his love again.
Is this how you are feeling?

AFrayedKnot posted 9/7/2013 06:18 AM

I have a strong aversion to appearing needy and/or desperate.

I hated being needy too. I was needy for years but never expressed it. I just waited for her to magically know what I wanted or needed. I just got more and more resentful that she wasn't giving me what I needed to the point of feeling:

He (she) either doesn't care or is incapable of stepping up his (her) game.

I had to realize that she was not a mind reader. I had to express in specific detail what my expectations were. A great book that helps get this started is "5 Love Languages"

Its OK to ask for what you want. Don't sell yourself short. If he is really remorseful and really wants to stay together he probably appreciate knowing what it is going to take

brokensmile322 posted 9/7/2013 06:33 AM

Are you in IC at all, girlie?

I, too, was struggling. My WH seemed to be doing what he could, but you know he just did not get it on the level I needed him to.

IC helped me a lot.

I also starting touching my WH alot outside of the bedroom. Are you able to do that with him?

Hold hands, hug, stroke his cheek or his hair, rub his back, touch his bum?

We had a big disconnect. I found that doing small things did start to open doors for the bigger things. Just a thought.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:33 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

AML04 posted 9/7/2013 06:56 AM

I know what you mean about needing more. If my H had never had an A I would live the husband he is now! He listens when I talk and answers any questions I have however, he doesn't really TALK to me, you know? About the hard stuff. He accepts responsibility but at the same time it's like he can't believe he did it and if he doesn't talk about it, he doesn't have to feel it.
We both had breakdowns last night. All my frustrations came bubbling up and I was a broken, sobbing mess. He saw that and I think really saw for the first time how bad he hurt me. Hopefully it sparks something.

As for telling him what you need, have you tried using the "It makes me feel ___, when you do ____"? Sometimes we have to spell it out unfortunately.

Girlietoo posted 9/7/2013 08:31 AM

Exactly- all of these things. I absolutely expected him to read my mind which is why I am working hard at telling him what I need, but it almost feels like I'm begging him to love me, or show his love for me, more specifically. I want him to do these things because he wants to, not because I nag him until he does :(

I absolutely want him to woo me again. I want him to show me that he realizes that I have given him a gift of reconciliation. I am taking a huge risk by staying with him and I want him to show me that my trust has not been misplaced.

When I do try to tell me specifically what I need- like when I'm triggering about kissing and he says "I'm kissing you" and I want him to stay "kissing her was awkward and uncomfortable and nothing at all like the way I kiss you, the woman I love" he gets upset and says "nothing I do is right, I always miss the mark". Then I start to think that I'm asking too much and I will never get what I need out of this relationship.

I was in IC and stopped going, mostly because it is very difficult for me to express my deep feelings. I've spent my life relying on no one because no one is reliable (FOO issues) and with my WH I thought I found the one person in the world who would never hurt me.

Tell me truthfully, am I asking too much? Should I be happy with the knowledge that he loves me, wants to be with me and is remorseful and ashamed of his behaviour? I hate feeling so damn needy.

After I found out and had a near total mental collapse, he told me that he is shocked at how "fragile" aka weak that I actually am. He expected me to be angry and kick him out and instead I was devastated and needed him to be with me in order to breathe. I fear him continuing to see me as a fragile, needy person. But truth- I am.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 8:34 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

soconfusednow posted 9/7/2013 09:22 AM

A great book that helps get this started is "5 Love Languages"

After reading that I realized my husband was showing me love. I just didn't see it because we were expressing it in different ways. Now he even does things that aren't natural for him. If it's awkward he'll make a reference to the fact that it's my love language. I'm making an effort to meet his desired love language also. The best days are when we both go out of our comfort zone to please each other.

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