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I hate the person this relationshit has turned me into. I was NOT like this. I used to be so kind hearted and silly. Always saw the good in people, always wanted to lend an ear and help. Now I'm so greedy, sarcastic and plain old mean and I can't help it! I feel like people deserve to be treated like this. When someone does say something nice or helps me out, it catches me off guard... it's like I don't expect people to be nice to me.

I'm such a sour puss now. Always angry, yelling and always on the edge. I'm always anxious, for no reason really?

How can I go back to the way I was? Or most importantly, how can I be THAT person that I know is somewhere in there? I FEEL her but she's being smothered

(((Aria)))

Please cut yourself some slack. Finding out about infidelity and then going through a D, is incredibly hard. I could not divorce my x fast enough. Through out those months, I was stressed to the max, angry, sad, anxious, and in a very dark place. There is this light that appears after the D. Slowly, the dust settles and you get yourself back. Your body isn't at a mach 5 stress level anymore. Calmness returns.

Please be gentle with yourself. Maybe do something nice just for you. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:06 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Yeah, one of the crap things about being drug through the nonsense that is infidelity is that through the roller coaster, the emotions that come out are not necessarily the ones that you most like to see on yourself.

Here's the thing - it gets better. It is slow and a lot of work, but, truly, you can heal. You have endured a lot and the life experience will give you a different perspective, but the authentic core of your personality can return.

Are you in counseling? That can help. Also, finding a productive way the get rid of the anger and hostility can help. Running and journaling helped me, but each person has their own unique niche. There was an SI member who kept a trash dumpster and baseball bat in her garage. Whatever works.

A word of caution - the healing is not linear. There will be set backs, but slowly the set backs will grow further apart. This hell is temporary. There is a a good life out there, and you can certainly be the person you want to be.

Heal&Deal

Your post above made me burst into tears. I try to see the hope and focus on the future but I can't. Not yet. I was so comforted and reassured by your words. Thank you

You are still in the middle of the trauma cycle. All of this is still actively happening to you. What you are feeling is not unusual and doesn't make you a bad person.

Over time, the trauma ends. The active part of it falls behind us. It's at that point that you can actually start processing the rubble, picking through to find the pieces of you that have been ripped away, and discovering things you thought were forever lost to the storm. Then you can rebuild.

But while the winds are whipping around you, your job is to protect yourself, shield yourself, and stay safe. Your psyche is doing that right now. It's ok. It's temporary. I promise you - even as you will be changed in many ways by all of this, you will still be you. ((((ariabook))))

ps - (((((sunset)))))

There was an SI member who kept a trash dumpster and baseball bat in her garage.

This wasn't me, but I have often fantasized about bashing the Owhore's head, though I would not kill her. Just keep her sexy enough as a vegetable.