SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

erzulie posted 9/6/2013 22:16 PM

I am so new to all of these thought processes.

I am in California. If I stop paying my mortgage (because I cannot afford it on one income), it will ruin my credit, won't it - and thusly ruin any chance of my buying another, more affordable home?

Do I tell my lender that I am facing divorce, and I need to sell the house? I am luckily not underwater - just about $20k above water at this point.

I feel like such a fool that I don't know the answers to these questions. Funny, how last time I was betrayed, I lost sleep over feeling inadequate and obsessing over the OW. Now, I am just completely consumed with trying to take control of my life and not let everything collapse around me, functionally speaking. I am a very responsible and fiscally fit person by nature ... this whole sordid set of variables has me nauseous.

And I don't want to screw my WH out of anything. I just don't want to depend on him for my livelihood (aka, my happiness) ....

velvetglove posted 9/6/2013 22:50 PM

erzulie,

If you stop paying your mortgage, it will definitely affect your credit negatively and put you in danger of foreclosure, which would really wreak havoc on your credit score.

If you are worried about protecting your credit and you are willing, I would definitely consider selling, especially if you are not underwater. That way you can avoid negative credit ratings and perhaps rent for a bit until you get back on your feet.

I'm sorry you're going through this... it is so stressful.

Nature_Girl posted 9/6/2013 23:05 PM

This solution doesn't work for some people, but it does work for others - roommate(s)?

mandan66 posted 9/6/2013 23:17 PM

erzulie,
How far into the mortgage are you? I just went from 7 yrs. left on a 15 yr. back up to refinancing a 30 yr. Painful, but I had enough equity already in that it was doable, esp. with rates being low. Ends up saving me $500 a month. Check around and find out who can be trusted, and give you idea of actually what you might need to do to keep the house going.

Catwoman posted 9/7/2013 06:41 AM

If he is reasonable and fairly normal, can you agree to put the house on the market and split the proceeds? If so, do that. The market is still pretty good right now.

If he is unreasonable, go ahead and file for divorce and get a temp orders hearing which will likely decide the fate of the marital home.

You do have some control here. I hope for your sake he is reasonable and you can list the house quickly before the market cools.

Cat

StillLivin posted 9/7/2013 10:48 AM

Is he giving you at least half the money for the mortgage? If he isn't, why not?
Depending on the laws in your state, you can probably have the court put it in writing.
The A was his choice. He and his AP are the only willing partners. You may want to look into it.
As for screwing him over or depending on him for your livelihood, you may still be in your own fog...sorry, don't want to offend. I felt the same way, at first. I came to my senses and realized that I'm not the one that screwed him over, he did. I also realized that I was an enabler and still trying to "save" him and letting myself sink.
In our separation agreement, I am getting half for the mortgage, and I'm getting spousal maintenance. I'm only getting it long enough to get my degree. Once I have my degree, it will be up to me to earn my own way after that.
I'm now good with this, whereas, in the beginning, I was so concerned about not taking anything of his.
Good luck!

erzulie posted 9/7/2013 11:41 AM

StillLivin - your story sounds so similar to mine (stats, anyway). Other than the two kids (I have two "furkids").

I believe I am entitled to some support from him so that I can stay in the house, until I finish graduate school. I just am not sure I want any connection to him at all. I almost wish I never had to see him again - like if he died or something. I could just grieve, move forward, pick up the pieces, and go on.

I'm not thinking I would be foolish, saying something like "just take it all!". Part of me is truly curious - because of his indiscretions (which I can prove - including bank accounts used to finance his affairs), is he somehow legally more "at fault" - and therefore, more liable?

I just don't have a clue how that all works.

I don't want him to live the rest of his life paying the price for his horrible mistakes. I want him to be gone from me, too - and grieve, heal, whatever he is capable of (unsure what that is). If he has any chance of a real life, his only chance is to find it with someone else. He's completely destroyed any chance of having that life with me. Forced our hand on the whole thing, really.

cayc posted 9/7/2013 11:52 AM

I just am not sure I want any connection to him at all.

You know, I did this. I did a D where I walked away with my stuff and didn't take anything from him in service of getting away from him and never speaking to him again.

In truth, we would have been fighting over pennies, but ... sometimes I wish I had slowed down and really thought through what I needed. I certainly could have asked for spousal support. I could have asked for a portion of this retirement. I let him take our underwater house ... but even that will rebound in the market at some point. I probably hurt myself financially by doing things the way that I did.

So, just be careful. Don't cut your nose of to spite your face as it were.

erzulie posted 9/7/2013 12:03 PM

Yes, thank you ... no cutting off my nose, I promise.

You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

This quote is the first thing I've laughed outloud at in days. Brilliant.

Must Survive posted 9/7/2013 14:24 PM

erzulie,

Divorce in CA=no fault state. The courts do not care about anything regarding infidelity. Depending on where you are, the market may be slowing down. I would call a realtor that can give you an idea on how the market is doing and what your home could sell for. Figure out the pros and cons. The time/trouble and effort to get your spouse to give $ for mortgage, versus getting out without a ding to your credit is something you should consider.

The roommate idea is good also. I have a friend that rents out rooms and it almost covers her mortgage.