"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

velvetglove posted 9/7/2013 00:06 AM

I've been lurking on here for some time, and even though I didn't "just" find out, it's my first time talking about myself so I thought I'd post here. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get good info and support from the members as I have seen you give to others.

I'm going to try to get through it, even though it hurts so much. I may come off as jumbled or leave stuff out and I'm sorry if my story is confusing.

Okay, here goes. I met my STBXWH 10 years ago. We both worked at the same place and started dating a few months after meeting... the attraction was that strong. I fell quickly for this man I saw as the epitome of everything I ever wanted and he was so good and loving, I never felt so happy.

Two years later, we got married and I was beyond happy. About six months after we got married, he decided he wanted to quit his job and go to law school, which I supported since I knew he didn't like our work (hotel industry.) I supported him while he went to school and we put off having kids for a few years. It was tough and I had to pull extra shifts, but I thought it was an investment in our future and I was happy to do it. He was often moody and distant during this time, but I chalked that up to extreme stress of school. Little did I know.

He passed the Bar and got a good job shortly afterward. Everything was great and we started talking about having kids, but decided to travel and enjoy our single lives for awhile.

Last year we decided to start trying and were delighted to get pregnant rather quickly. A few months into my pregnancy, the moodiness returned and I didn't know what to think. He just told me he was feeling some ambivalence about being a father. That was news to me! He had been as enthusiastic about it as I had. He assured me he'd come around once the baby was born. Meanwhile, he started working late and going out with his friends more. He said he had to get it out of his system, and I was the idiot who believed him.

Our beautiful DD was born in January and I was so thrilled. Even started acting like his old loving self and I thought things were going to be great. We went home with our baby and I started adjusting to life as a new mom.

Then, without warning, he dropped a bomb on me. He called from work saying he'd be home in a few hours and needed to talk. I was so in the baby fog, I didn't even put it together. He got home and told me calmly, in a matter-of-fact voice that he was leaving us forever. He wanted a divorce and he would would be a generous person and let us have the house.

Shock could not begin to describe it. After a few minutes of wide-eyed staring, I managed to ask if he loved someone else. He wasn't even ashamed to say that he did. He had apparently met someone else in law school and they had carried on an EA for some time, but she broke it off with him just after they graduated to be with a guy she had decided to date seriously. He told me that she was amazing and totally out of his league and that the only reason he didn't leave me then was because he never thought he had a chance with her.

But, in those months that I was pregnant, when he was acting strangely, they reconnected. She had broken up with her boyfriend and they had taken their EA right to a PA. So he decided to commit to her and didn't want to be with me anymore, or our DD. He said he never really wanted kids and I should be happy because I got the baby I always wanted.

Again, I cannot express the shock and devastation I felt and still feel. I couldn't even speak and he took that as permission to go and walked out the door. He filed papers that afternoon. That was in March. I haven't seen him since.

Luckily, I have a great family and moved in with my sister and her family immediately because I needed support so badly and I couldn't stand to be in our marital house. He blocked my phone number and my family's and all of our friends. He's even cut off his own family! The only way I can contact him is through an email account he created just for the purpose of talking to me and through his attorney.

I did manage to get a little bit out of his brother, who seems to be disgusted with his actions. Basically, his new fiance (they're engaged already!) has no idea that he was married and has a daughter. He is keeping her in the dark about who he really is.

WHO THE HELL DOES THIS??? What kind of monster is this man? How did I not know he was capable of doing this to his wife and baby? He basically wants to pretend we never existed! It's disgusting! And the worst part is, I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I suppose I could try to track him down, but his brother (whom he hasn't spoken to since March) thinks he left town with the new fiance to start a new life. I don't blame her at all... she has no idea about the toad she's going to marry. Our divorce will be final in a few months and I'm not fighting it at all. He left everything behind, all our assets except our joint checking account that he drained. Once the divorce is final, I'll sell the house (I still haven't gone back there) and move on with my life. I found a great therapist who's helping me get through all this. It's going to be hard to keep going, but I know I'll make it.

If you read all this, I really appreciate it. This is the first time I've been able to write this out without hysterically crying.

heartache101 posted 9/7/2013 00:22 AM

Wow what an ass!
Well I hope he signs away his parental rights. You sure as heck dont want him in your daughters life!
Can you get him to sign his rights away?
Read here in the healing library. Things are slow on the weekend. But we are here..
I am truly sorry...

pregnantandsad posted 9/7/2013 00:58 AM

This is so awful, I am so sorry. I don't understand these guys walking away from their lives, their wives and children without ever seeming to give them a second thought. My WH has done something similar but at least still wants to see our daughter. I don't know how much interaction he will have with the baby once she is born though.

I am glad you have posted here, I have found so much comfort in this site and hope you find the same.

RidingHealingRd posted 9/7/2013 01:13 AM

That is beyond cruel. I am so sorry for your heartache. You sound like a strong woman who will come out of this even stronger. I am glad that you have a family support system.

Someday may you look back on this nightmare and realize it was a blessing. It freed you from what you now know is an insensitive, self absorbed, useless individual.

(((velvetglove + baby)))

blindsided03 posted 9/7/2013 01:26 AM

I'm so sorry! That's terrible. I can't believe the things that these people on here do. It's amazing how every single one of the people on here has another horrible version of the same story :( I'm so sorry for you and your daughter; I wish that had never happened. Just keep posting and keep reading. You'll heal faster with the help from SI. Enjoy your family and friends. Love them. My STBXH started a lot of crap and I don't have a family. He chased off all of my friends. I have no one to talk to about this, so I come here. It helps, but I'd kill for a hug. You're going to be okay and obviously do way better, but it's terrible that you put him through school and this was the best he could do. I don't think she's "better," or prettier, or nicer than you. The problem is him, and he has a lot of them. What a douche. Mine slept with hookers on Craigslist. Also a douche. We don't have kids, but I found out because of the way he was acting towards me. I noticed a lot of projection going on, so I went snooping. The thing that bothers me most is that if I'd never found it, I'd never know. What if he'd come back with herpes?!?! Screw this. I hate men. I no longer believe there are any good ones out there!! It's like EVERYONE cheats. Why aren't there men out there who feel and act the same as we do?!?! Keep strong, say prayers even if you don't believe in God--it helps to convey your feelings and put them in words, even if no one ever hears them. For me, rationalizing my feelings helps me get over them. Some people need to cry, some people need to join a gym and punch things, and some people, like me, need to overanalyze everything in order for it to make sense. I also recommend using the journal feature on your profile. It'll be a good place to privately vent (or publicly, like mine) and get all of the anger out in a place where no one will find it lying around. A lot of people have been where you are and you can find them here. Hugs and good luck.

emotionalgirl posted 9/7/2013 02:27 AM

Velvet....I am so sorry, your SBXH is frankly a waste of flesh, but that fact does not diminish the love you felt nor the pain you now feel. God bless you and keep you strong through this. Cherish your daughter and take care of yourself.

If there is one thing I have learnt in my life it is that what you put into the world you get back ten fold....karma, she's a bitch and he will get his one day. I can only imagine it may be the day that he realizes how badly he screwd up and decides he wants contact with your daughter ( possibly because the OW cant or wont have children and he suddenly gets the urge to be a father). If it ends up anything like my friends situation, her daughter looked her father in the eye and said " you are not my father, you are a stranger and were just a sperm donor, my mother who loves me taught me never to talk to strangers...,so f**k of! She was 14 at the time. She is 21 now and has still never acknowledged him as a part of her life.

(((( hugs ))))

Betrayed67 posted 9/7/2013 03:02 AM

I am sorry Velvet. My heart goes out to you.

You are a strong woman and I am sure you and your daughter will be fine. Blessings to you.

Thefly559 posted 9/7/2013 05:38 AM

Wow your husband is a jerk ! Not even close to a man! I get really angry when I hear these stories because they are wrong on so many levels . I am so sorry for you and I know your pain well. Take confidence in knowing it will get better you will move on to anger and you will start feeling better with a lot of time . Take care of that precious baby and give that jerk exactly what he wants , you deserve better . Do not believe that generalization that all men are bad that someone posted that is her anger talking , but know that that is not true , when you are ready you will find the right guy . I wish you all the best and lots of luck on your painful journey through this storm !

velvetglove posted 9/7/2013 09:42 AM

Thank you for your kind words, everyone, they mean a lot. I've been lucky that I've gotten so much support from everyone around me.

I'm still struggling with how a person could do this to his family... just walk away and want nothing to do with them, even his infant daughter. My therapist believes that he may be a high-functioning sociopath who is an expert at faking feelings he doesn't have. Basically, he sees people as math problems. If I want person to do X, I need to do why. Everyone around him is a tool to be manipulated so he can get the reactions and behaviors he wants. Looking back, it makes some sense, but it's so hard to believe someone could be capable of having basically NO feelings.

To clarify a few things, he has completely signed off parental rights. He really wants nothing to do with us. The settlement we've reached is that he walks away from everything... all our assets: house, my car, furniture, investment accounts, everything. What he gets in return is no attempts to contact and no child support.

At first I thought of fighting it, but I realized two things: 1) I'm actually coming out very well in the settlement since our property is worth a lot (and he put down all the money on it) and had managed to wrack up a healthy investment account and 2) he is very much capable of making my life miserable if I try to defy him, which I now realize would definitely happen. Truly, he scares me, and I think it's probably better to make a clean break and shut him out of my life forever.

Maybe I'm selling myself short, but I think in some ways I'm luckier than most as I'll be exiting the marriage in a good financial situation. Has anyone made a deal like this? My sister thinks I'm making a "deal with the devil" and thinks I should make it "harder" to leave us. After many months of going through this, I've come to the conclusion that this settlement also protects me from him, in case he changes his mind and wants to be in DD's life. I have my doubts that'll ever happen because that would mean admitting he made a mistake, which, looking back, is not something he has ever really done.

Thank you again for all your kind words. As far as dating goes, I think that's pretty far down the road, and I'm okay with that. I want to focus on my daughter and my life going forward. I'm thinking about going back to school to get a better career and making sure we're secure in our lives whether I remarry some day or not.

Still picking up the pieces emotionally (therapy and antidepressants help a lot.) I hope to be as happy and together as some of you I've seen. Thank you for listening to my story.

anewday78 posted 9/7/2013 10:32 AM

Your therapist is spot-on with her assessment - he is indeed a sociopath. I got two paragraphs into your story and the little voice in my head said, "uhoh, she has a certifiable sociopath on her hands." Your sister, although she means well, cannot give you any worse advice - you need to know that somebody up above is looking out for you, protecting you from this monster by giving you a clean break. The best thing you can do when you have a sociopath in such close proximity is to run. Run far, run fast, and don't stop running until you can run no longer. Take this deal and run, and after the ink dries, look to the heavens and thank whatever benevolent soul that swiftly and quietly helped you escape this monster. I really feel sorry for his poor, unsuspecting fiance. She is doomed. Unfortunately, you CANNOT do anything to warn her - it poses far too many threats to your daughter. He could potentially withdraw his offer and fight for custody.
Run. You will get through this fine once the shock and horror wear off. You're truly walking away the winner as it currently stands.
Good luck to you and I hope for many more blessings for you and your precious daughter.

Morhurt posted 9/7/2013 12:52 PM

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Big hugs ((velvet)).

velvetglove posted 9/7/2013 13:01 PM

anewday78, I agree with you. At first I was outraged that he wanted to deny his daughter's existence, that he was actually capable of just walking away from her. I wanted him to have to acknowledge her by paying child support or something!

But after talking to my lawyer and my therapist, they showed me that it wouldn't help me or my daughter to do that. He was giving me a gift in walking away... more than the house and assets, his absence from my life was the best thing for me now that he has revealed his true colors.

My sister just wants to see him suffer and I used to be there, but I've decided to focus on my future. She's been absolutely amazing and has seen the devastation this situation has caused me so she's just reacting to that anger.

The one thing that is bothering me lately is thinking about how one day my DD will ask me where her daddy is and why he isn't with us. How do I tell her the truth?? Just typing that has brought tears to my eyes. I feel like no matter what I do, she will end up feeling abandoned (because she was.) How can I make this better for her? It's just heartbreaking. Did anyone have to have this conversation? How did it go?

Thanks again for your kind words... I really appreciate you guys.

hard_yards posted 9/7/2013 13:24 PM

Hi velvetglove, I too thought 'sociopath'... it just fits.

I know you're in pain, I know you're hurt, but really, take this settlement offer of his and sign it as fast as you can.

Honey you're only 33... you have your whole life ahead of you. Imagine if you were like many of us here, finding out after 20 years, or 30 years.... in a way, he's given you a gift, you can get away from him now.

As for your darling little one, don't over think what's going to happen in the future. The main thing is that she has a happy and loving childhood, and that's what you can give her.

I'm a firm believer in dealing with the truth where kids are concerned, age appropriate of course. As she grows, and questions arrive, just answer them, kids have a sixth sense and seem to know when they're not getting a straight answer

Hopefully, he'll continue be so selfish and self justified, that you don't ever hear from him again. That would truly be the best thing, as hard as it is to swallow right now.

Yep, sign those docs now, before he and the new girlfriend have a chance to decide they want some of the assets after all.

He will suffer, don't worry about that, he has to live with himself.

You will feel better than you do right now, there's a big future out there for you and your daughter. hugs.

bionicgal posted 9/7/2013 13:30 PM

God, how awful. I am so sorry. And this other woman doesn't even know? Imagine how she will feel if/when she finds out what a crazy person he is. She is not going to feel like he did it because he was so "in love" with her. . .

There is something very obviously wrong with him. I would be glad you found out early enough so that you can have a happy life without him. So sorry!

kansas1968 posted 9/7/2013 14:08 PM

Ugh. What a jerk. You are better off without him, although I know how much it hurts. What about child support. Surely he just doesn't get to walk away from that? Keep posting here. You will find a lot of support on the divorce/separation forum and a lot of good stories on the new beginnings forum.
So, so, sorry and many, many, hugs.

sunsetslost posted 9/7/2013 14:11 PM

I'm so sorry. Cut and run. Work on yourself. You are fortunate. I'm in a better situation than a lot of people here as well. We weren't able to have kids and we have equity in the house (which is on the market). Relatively young. I'm moving on but it's difficult. Crushing sadness and regret. I'm sure I don't have to describe it. They say it gets better with time. I hope they are right. Stay strong.

anewday78 posted 9/7/2013 14:21 PM

What about child support. Surely he just doesn't get to walk away from that?

If he signs off all legal parental rights to the child, legally the child is no longer recognized as his and he is not required to provide support. With that, he no longer has any rights to the child - no phone calls, no visitation, no photos, mail/email, Skype, etc. He is now a stranger - a non-relative. If he ever approached her on the street to even so much as give her a hug or shake her hand, her mother can have him arrested. He is handing over a great deal of assets in addition to that gift - I'd say the benefit of being rid of him fast outweighs any kind of relief child support would provide. Take the lump sum payout and RUN. Who wants to share their innocent baby with a sociopath?

Broken6 posted 9/7/2013 14:47 PM

Hugs from here. Your story is sad and I am so sorry you are having to live it. I agree, someone up above is looking out for you, and though it may not seem so now, in the end, you are far better off without having his toxic presence in your life. He is the epitome of selfish. Do you believe in karma? I hope that it will jump up an bite a huge chunk out of his ass one day. I think it will happen, just a matter of time. In the meantime, take care of you, and your beautiful baby. Thank gosh you have family support, and a therapist. You sound like you are working towards recovery. You are stronger than you know. Your story and how you have handled it, proves this. Hugs, HUGE ones.

cmego posted 9/7/2013 14:58 PM

((((velvetglove))))

As with many others, you were probably handed a blessing in disguise.

Two stories...one, I have a girlfriend who had her exs' parental rights terminated after he abandoned her and their two small boys. She tells her boys the truth, "Your father was not a good person to us. He didn't want to be in our lives, and that is OK. It is best he is out of our life." The boys are now 9 and 11 and thriving. She is just now dating someone after almost 10 years.

Second story, my ex turned out to be gay. I found out that he told AP's that he was divorced, or never married...no mention of children. My therapist also believes he is NPD or Borderline Personality. He is a person that manipulates other people to his advantage. He said the same to me, "Why can't you just be happy? You HAVE the kids!" He also acted very strangely during my pregnancies, especially the second one. I know he didn't really want children. I have primary custody now.

He stays in their life as a...prize. He appears to be a good Dad, to impress other people. It is very strange. He doesn't really connect with his kids.

Post on SI, know that we all have stories how we arrived and can each offer support in our own way.

doggiediva posted 9/7/2013 14:58 PM

((((Hugs))))

What a douchewad your WH is! Talk about being blindsided out of the blue by your WH!

I agree with the others, you are better off having made the exact choices that you made..

I am an older adult living with an NPD STBX WH that is unemployed and has no assets to his own name.I have a meager retirement income coming in and am trying to get healthy enough to go back into the work force..In the meantime I am not sure how to get out of this marriage via D with my pension intact, which is my only income..

When somebody like your WH offers to walk away leaving you with most of the assets / signs off on rights to the children that is your chance to start over and rebuild without having to deal with much of the legal baggage of divorce...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:02 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]