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blindsided03 posted 9/7/2013 00:38 AM

So, during a non-divorce related phone call, someone innocently asked me, "So, what if you had some emergency, who would you call?" And I know he didn't mean anything by it, but the point is that I have no one. I dont have parents, or siblings, who care about me. I've been overseas for so many years that they don't even miss me when I'm gone. I know he wasn't trying to make me sad, but all I could think was, "How could you remind me about this?? I just lost my family to a divorce!!" I know he didn't mean anything by it, and as someone who has never been married or divorced, there's not much he could have done to understand how it feels. Granted, I'm still pretty pissed. I told him I was a little upset by the comment and he followed it up with, "What if your stove exploded tomorrow and got your face again?" knowing full well that I am very traumatized by getting blown up in a gas explosion in the Caribbean. Fortunately, I have minimal scarring thanks to Retin-A, but the trauma of the fire still kills me. I don't get why he'd say that when I said I'm upset. Am I crazy to be reminded of STBXH's abusive tendencies??? What are the chances that this was really innocent?? I know I can't hold other people responsible for STBXH's actions, but I was really hurt by the first comment, then the second. The first one was apparently his way of trying to say, "You can call me," but I didn't get that from it. He's foreign, so I try to excuse the language barrier, but it's not easy when someone else has been burning me this way on purpose for months. I hate divorce, I hate being in this situation, and I wish none of this had ever happened. I Wish he hadn't taken away all of my friends and I had someone to talk to.

Nature_Girl posted 9/7/2013 01:49 AM

Oh Honey, what a painful reminder of how alone you are! (((HUGS))))

But you know what? That guy was right. You need to figure the emergency contact thing out. I exited my abusive marriage friendless and with no relatives in the area. I had to ask people who were strangers to me, or nearly so, if they would please be my emergency contacts for me & my kids. It was SO AWKWARD!!! I had to go door to door in my neighborhood and introduce myself to people I'd been living side-by-side with for years. Yet we didn't know each other because of the abuse & isolation. It was so embarrassing, yet everyone responded very well. Totally understood, very accepting, offered to help. It was necessary for me & the kids to know our neighbors & be known by them in case of emergency.

It's a hard slap in the face when you realize you're totally freaking alone thanks to abuse & resulting isolation. It's so hard to break out of the conditioning and reach out to people.

Every single woman needs to have emergency contacts. Ignore the hurtful parts of what that man said to you & take action to take care of this aspect of starting your life over, okay?

blindsided03 posted 9/7/2013 02:19 AM

Thank you, Nature Girl!! I guess I do have to do that! I never thought I'd be here, alone, but here I am. I guess I'll have to try the neighbor thing. I just never thought I'd have an abusive marriage because I came out of an abusive home (naive, right?). I thought I'd see the signs. And, I would have, if they'd been there before we got married. Mine waited til after the papers were signed to go crazy. I hate him. I hate this. I hate that I married him. I hate that he wasn't a real man. I hate that I lost 2yrs of my life. I know it could have been worse, but I still want to punch him in the face. I'm sure he's out sleeping with CL hookers and taking bong rips in his car. Awesome. Thanks for your help, though. I think it helps to know that other people lived through this isolation. I've been alone before, and it's okay, but I used to be able to turn to my friends. Now, I still have them, but we aren't close anymore. I can't talk to them about these things. I ask about them and their lives, but they don't ask about me. Our conversations revolve around them and no one ever once asked me, "Hey, are you okay?" They all want the juicy details, but no one wants to hear if I'm sad, or lonely, or need someone to come over. Not that they could, after all, since I'm in this city alone and don't know anyone other than stbxh's drug dealer and my downstairs neighbor, who is indubitably on cocaine (long story). It's not going to be easy. I just wish I had a friend, or the money for IC, or family that didn't suck. Maybe someday. Thanks for listening. I'm glad you lived through your ordeal. It's nice to know that there is a way to fix this. I needed to hear that.

Nature_Girl posted 9/7/2013 02:39 AM

When I realized how alone I was it was frightening. I channeled that fear and anger into action. I had some really pretty "this is me" cards printed out with my name, my kids names, phone number, etc., and handed them out to neighbors, church people, school people, people I met who seemed friendly. I keep some on me at all times. That way when I meet someone I have something to give them to remember me by. It helps me stay focused on my goal of rebuilding my life. I keep them on my kitchen counter so I see them all the time. I give them to the kids to give to their friends to pass along to their moms.

I am NOT going to let STBX ruin my life. I'm not. I'm going to rebuild my life, I'm going to be a good example & role model to my kids. I have goals. My progress is slow, but I'm getting there. What are your goals? Do you have to stay in your city? Is there a library nearby that might have good self-help books you could check out for free? Are there any support groups you could join? Are you open to the idea of attending a church or other spiritual group? Have you thought about registering at meetup.com? Have you thought about volunteering in your community? These are all ways to meet people, to get you out of any stagnation, to change your routine & invite a new dynamic into your life.

What do you think?

blindsided03 posted 9/15/2013 22:30 PM

Thanks, NatureGirl. I looked at meet up.com and it seems like a nice site. I've been dying for female companionship since all i seem to be able to find are d-bag men who want to move in where stbxh moved out. then, they all get offended when i'm telling them i need to clean up my D. It sucks always having pressure from the opposite sex!! I just want to be free and not have drama while i heal. my aunt and uncle came to town and took me to a church with a lot of young people, so that helped a lot. I guess i could start going, but there are a lot of really nice, really good-looking guys there and i'm scared to fall for one of them quite yet! I just feel like i need some space, but no one gets it right now. I just wish that he'd die of AIDS from his prostitutes. Or get herpes. here's hoping.