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Sam793 posted 9/7/2013 01:33 AM

My BW has access to all of my passwords. She's been spending hours before going to sleep looking at my xAP Facebook or unknown to me recently my Facebook emails. I never had my xAP on Facebook so there was nothing to see there. I did correspond with an old college buddy. I still do. I said some pretty nasty things about my BW to him. Things about doing things to delay having our first child. Negative things about my BW and her attitude. It goes on. I made her the person I told my friend about. I couldn't deal with life and was always negative which wore off on her. I made her that way. I've been the opposite the last year after IC and medication since being diagnosed with depression. I don't know who I was. I don't recognize that guy. My BW keeps looking for the negative and I keep looking for the positive. After finding the Facebook messages tonight she told me she's moving out. I can't stress to her enough that I don't think of her that way and have a hard time knowing the guy who did. I'm so hurt that I hurt her.

salty_lt2 posted 9/7/2013 08:26 AM

I get it, Sam, and I understand your pain and frustration.

About 7 months after our DDay #1, my BW decided to reactivate my deleted FB account. It had been inactive since DDay, so I didn't know what the PW was, initally. She figured it out, then proceeded to have her DDay #2 when she found out that I was not only bashing her to another woman, I was clearly having an EA with this OW. Some of what I said was brutal, and I can't un-say or un-write those things. My BW can't un-read those things, either. Your BW won't be able to do that, either.

I'm a different person now, and I do my very best to show my BW and my kids that. It doesn't change the fact that *I* did that, and *I* said that, and she knows it. That was -- and is -- a part of me, and many of her struggles these days are accepting that fact, in spite of my new actions. She goes back every now and then to remind herself of what I did, and sometimes sends herself back down the rabbit hole.

You know what? I can't control that. I can't tell her what to do, or not to do. You can't do that for your BW, either. I love my BW, and it truly pains me to see her anger and sorrow. I know you feel the same. All I can do is be supportive, loving, and try my best to listen to what she needs.

Most importantly, I can only really take care of myself by being a better human being, father, and husband.

The reminders hurt, and I'm so, so sorry. Try to remember that no matter how this turns out, you've got to be a better person and take care of yourself!

Hang in there, Sam- I sen you strength.

Sam793 posted 9/7/2013 08:53 AM

Thank you Salty. Things are exponentially worse now and I would never say a bad thing about my BW to anybody. If I have an issue I tell her not anyone else. I just can't believe anyone let alone me would resort to bashing their BW to other people. She has done so much for me and all the negative I have brought to her life. It's all so hard to deal with. I can't imagine how she feels after living so many years not knowing what I was doing or saying.

sinsof thefather posted 9/7/2013 09:04 AM

Sam, you say you still correspond with this old college buddy. Have you ever, since the end of your A and treatment for your depression, written to him and redressed the version of your wife and marriage that you gave him in those other messages? Or have you let that impression stand?

If you haven't already addressed it with him, it may help and mean something to your wife if you did so now. Maybe tell him exactly what you just wrote to us above. It may help your wife even just a little bit, but even if it doesn't help your wife, it may help you to deal with your conscience about it.

I wish I could offer something more, but as salthy said, once these things are known it's hard to un-know them again.

salty_lt2 posted 9/7/2013 09:15 AM

I can't imagine how she feels after living so many years not knowing what I was doing or saying.

And it's likely that your never will, Sam, and that's going to be very, very frustrating to her, if she continues in R with you.

This brings up an important point, though- this conversation was on your FB account, and your BW didn't know about it. Now she does. This is the equivalent of lying (by omission) to her all of this time- regardless of whether or not you remembered that it was there. This *is* another DDay for her, and she may even feel like she was in false R because you were "hiding" this from her. It's so frustrating and tough for you, and I 100% understand.

If R is still being offered after this discovery, be prepared to cut ties with this friend as he is no longer a friend of the marriage (unless he was telling you that you were crazy for saying that!). As SOF said, this is a chance to address that, but it may also end with "... for that reason, I can no longer maintain contact with you to provide safety for my BW and family." Or something.

I'm still in awe as to how much damage infidelity does to so many people .

Hang in there, Sam.

20WrongsVs1 posted 9/7/2013 09:17 AM

Sam, ICR, because I bashed BH to the APs. Reading one of the worst emails, is how BH found out.

Do you know why you did it? I'm paraphrasing here and I wish I could give credit to the BH who wrote this on SI, but it's like what you say here about making BW the person you told your friend about.

I was in love with the person I was projecting on to my FWW, and she was hating the person she was projecting on to me.
I wasn't that unhappy in our marriage.
To FWWs thinking that was proof that she was being a good W.
On the other hand, she was miserable, and that was proof that I was being a bad H and did not love her.

^^This got me into IC. The further I got into my A's the more I bashed BH, because I think my subconscious was seeking a way to offset the guilt I was suppressing. The bad shit I believed about BH was as false as the rosy light I cast on my APs.

How do I now convince BH that I don't truly view him that way? That is an uphill battle, and I'm afraid I'm not winning.

Sam, I hope you can work things out. Did you tell your college buddy (who you've probably turned into an enemy of the marriage and should therefore cut loose) about your A and retract the wife-bashing?

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 9:18 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

EasyDoesIt posted 9/7/2013 20:59 PM

Treading lightly, BS here, no stop sign.

Thanks to a VAR I heard all the things my then-soon-to-be-ex said about me to his friends. There were some horrible things and most of it wasn't true. I'm no saint, but I certainly wasn't the monster he made me out to be.

I cannot begin to describe the pain of hearing him say those things to people. It literally destroyed my love for him (even more so than the other things he did, and he did some horrible things).

I'm not trying to beat up on you, I just want you to understand that you can't really take those things back after you said them, wrote them, whatever. I agree with whoever suggested that you contact this friend of yours and set the record straight as to what you really think of your wife.

In all honesty, I think you need to reconsider calling that person a friend because they were clearly not a friend to the marriage. I'm twice-divorced; when I hear someone say something bad about their spouse, I try really hard to point out something good (except for here on SI).

As long as you're talking to this person and you haven't tried to remedy what you said/wrote to the person, your wife is going to believe that you're still doing it. He was not only allowing you to disrespect your wife, he was disrespecting her as well by receiving the things you were saying.

I'm not telling you to discontinue talking to the guy, but I think you need to stand up for your wife to the person you disrespected her to.

sad34 posted 9/7/2013 21:44 PM

Your bw I'm sure is beyond devastated. Her world has been ripped apart again. She knew u bashed her to your ap and now she finds out u spoke poorly about her to a college buddy.
She probably wonders if u ever loved her at all?
And now she also knows u tried to delay having your first child. That would cut to her soul.
My advice would b to find something positive that happened during the affair. Find some proof or something that shows u really didn't feel that way.

[This message edited by sad34 at 9:45 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Herkemeyer posted 9/8/2013 02:47 AM

BS here. Sam, what is wrong with song the record straight with your college buddy? Tell him that your perceptions were fueled by your depression and that your wife has many qualities you love. I think it's worse to say "Well I F'd that up too" and then just leave it. Protect your wife. That is an action! Not just the words, I'm sorry about this too.

Sam793 posted 9/8/2013 10:26 AM

Sins- yes I did but not until my BW emailed him and told him everything. I confirmed it all to him and how I was just trying to make myself feel better.

Salty- I agree with you that it's like lying even though I didn't remember doing it. It's lying even more because I was lying on how my BW was really was. If I have to let go of that friend then I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.

20wrongs- I was quick to bash but as time went on I started to avoid talking about my BW if possible. I bashed her to justify what I was doing and to make me feel better about myself. Wrong thing to do. I'm struggling with what I did so much.

Easy- not only did inset the record straight with the friend I also apologized to other people for the A. I told them what my BW was like and how she treated me and how she did not deserve what I did.

Sad- I can't imagine how you feel. Everything I said was self serving and not the truth or my real thoughts. I wish I could find written proof somewhere of praises. It was always verbal. I'm going to search all over until I can find something. I love her way too much to give up on things. Our relationship would have been amazing right now if it wasn't for the A. I worked on my demons and I feel so much better and put her first, think of her during major decisions, and she just generally matters more then life. We have a great family... except for the A. I have never been so committed to something then working on us. The old me woul have given up.

Herk- all set straight. She is wonderful. She even baked cookies to send into work with me. It's all about others with her. My other is her and that's my main focus.

EasyDoesIt posted 9/10/2013 02:00 AM

Good job on trying to do it right even after it seemed so bad. Put one foot in front of the other.

TxsT posted 9/10/2013 08:23 AM

Our relationship would have been amazing right now if it wasn't for the A

Sam.....I was struck by the above statement. In our situation I have to say the opposite is in effect.....our marriage IS amazing right now because of the A. I read hundreds of emails from the AP and my H and thankfully they avoided speaking, at least in writing, about their spouses.

I also agree that this is another huge Dday for your wife. Unfortunately I am at a loss for words as to how to get beyond this one. I think for me it would have been a deal breaker because I got so much shame from my H's A and it is exactly what others thought about me and my abilities to be a wife that I was so afraid of. I would feel, after reading your thoughts, that I just couldn't hold my head up again amongst these people. Of course this is part of my FOO issues and I am working hard to correct this but low/poor self esteem is a huge stumbling block and will take nothing but a shear miracle to overcome. When you are told every day for 18 years of your young life that you are stupider then a sack of nails, you have nothing to add to society......that is a major hurdle.

I guess the only thing I can add is....have you tried to put into words how this new revelation makes your wife feel? Your apologies might hold some weight if you were to put some forethought into her feelings and voice those in your own words.

Good luck.


[This message edited by TxsT at 8:27 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

sad34 posted 9/10/2013 15:33 PM

I would suggest doing what txst said!

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