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Sam793 posted 9/7/2013 03:41 AM

I find about half the time I come on here to vent. I have a poor support network. I don't have any good friends. My family is disgusted with me and doesn't want to bring up my white elephant except for a few minutes here and there. I speak with my BWs family who seem to be the people I talk to the most about it but again they need to support their own and I'm the one that betrayed their daughter. My IC lets me vent but sometimes goes off in a direction that makes me feel I have no clue what just happened. I feel I'm left to deal with everything myself. It's overwhelming. I've made the decision to work so hard at our M. It's something I should have done a long time ago. There are days I want to throw in the towel but keep focusing on a positive outcome. It's hard being alone coping with all of this. Thank you for listening.

devasted30 posted 9/7/2013 04:39 AM

Hi Sam
I am a BW and don't really know how to comfort you but I know what your spouse is going through and you can't really imagine it. I know you think you have an idea, but trust me, you don't have a clue.
First off - have you been completely honest with her?
Have you told her everything. I just found out some stuff yesterday - 8 months after my WS came home - 8 months into's been TT all these 8 months. Everytime, I feel like I am back down in the black hole and can't see any light at all.
I am dying inside all over again.
Please if you truly want this R to work, tell her EVERYTHING. No matter how much it will hurt her I can assure you it will hurt her even more if she finds out later because it becomes a two-fold thing - the truth that hurts and the fact that you have continued to lie. Even stuff the you might have omitted - for some reason WH don't think they need to tell if they haven't been asked a "direct question".
Tell her everything - rip the bandaid off. I know you're trying to spare her the additional heartbreak and suffering, but believe it from someone who knows. Finding out later is so much worse.
In order to rebuild your house you must strip it down to the bare beams - you cannot use any of the old material because it is need to start from scratch. It will cost a lot more, but with luck it will be a much better house than you had before.
If you have remorse - show it.
If you are sorry - keep telling her. We cannot hear that enough. When she triggers do what you need to do - sometimes she needs space but sometimes she needs to be held and told how sorry you are and how much you love her and how you will make this right for her someday someway.
Do not close down. Always, always, always be there for her. Show her the most patience you have ever shown anybody in your life. Bring her gifts - stupid things - chocolate bars, a rose anything to show her that she really is the most important thing in your life. Big things too - just anything to show her that you are constantly thinking of her and want to be with her.
Hopefully, you are in NC with OW. If not - make sure you do that.
There is a good book called, How to help your spouse heal from your affair. It's in the Healing Library - read it - commit it to memory. There are so many truths in it and it might help you deal with some of the stuff you two are going through.
I know you are hurting too. My husband is hurting and going through so much, but at this point in time, I DON'T CARE. He did this - he ruined our marriage - destroyed my image of who I thought he was. You have no idea how hard that is to accept and recognize....I have no clue who this man is. I would have preferred that he had killed me - I'd rather be dead than be going through this.
I don't know if this helps, but I'm sure there are others who can shed some light on how to help your BS and yourself.
Good Luck.
Be kind to everyone you meet - after all, what might be in their life that you don't know about. Everybody hurts in some way.

Sam793 posted 9/7/2013 08:13 AM

I understand I don't know but it is worse then I feel and that's really bad. I have told her everything. There is nothing left. I have been NC for almost a year and it would have been longer if my BW hasn't made me contact her. I was done on D Day. My focus is my BW and our kids. That's all that matters to me. As for being kind to everyone I meet its kind if hard when every day I deal with people breaking the law and lying to me. It's so stressful.

devasted30 posted 9/7/2013 11:19 AM

Hi Sam
Keep at it. If I can get this far through all the hurt, pain, shame and humiliation so can you.
Everyone tells me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Me - I'm looking up from so far down and still can't see the light. But, I'm still looking up.
Time. Time. Time.
Keep writing and posting. Maybe a lot of us can't understand your pain but crazy as it sounds your post helped me this morning.
If love is there then there is a chance.

Clarrissa posted 9/8/2013 20:04 PM

Hello Sam. Another WS here and I know what you're going through. I too made the stupid ass choice to cheat. I too ripped my BSs world apart so I too struggled with how to help him heal and fix myself. I know it's a lot of work to not only fix ourselves but help our BS heal and repair the damage we did but that's one of the consequences of our choice.

I hope you've done or are doing the things devasted listed, especially the NC with the OW and the completely coming clean. Another thing is complete transparency. I know it's almost instinct/reflex to omit things to save our BS more pain but it's the lies (even of omission) that really do the most damage.

I also know the frustration of not knowing what to do, especially when a trigger hits.

As for being alone to deal with this... well, you're not. You have 40000+ members here to help you. Some farther along, some about the same place, some behind you and on both sides: WS who have BTDT and BS to help you understand what yours is going through at each stage.

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