Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild
9/11 was a bad day for me ever since the date became infamous. I have memories of that date, the horror of hearing the announcement over the loud speaker during my senior year, the panic of trying to reach my family, the terror of not knowing if my sisters got out (they did, just barely)....the day was not a good one. Every year the red alerts on that day and the memorials brought back the memory but as time went by knowing we survived as a family and that as a city we were rebuilding felt good. Then came DDay...I went to work and came home. SO kept asking me what was wrong and I kept saying nothing. He went to the bank and called me to ask if I wanted something, then he asked me again what's wrong and I broke. The confession poured out. He came home and I told him more, and then I panicked and minimized, withheld and lied. The next day more came out, a couple weeks later more and each time I remembered a detail I would tell him. I stopped trying to hide and dug and told him that I was not hiding and any time I remembered any detail I would tell him. He told me not to bother. He knew enough and didn't need anymore details, didn't want them. I told him if he ever did just tell me and I would answer anything, I would write it down, record it...whatever he needed.
Now almost one year later we are no longer a couple and as the day comes closer I feel torn apart again. My birthday was a couple days ago and while I enjoyed it I felt so much tension because this day was so near. I know I am a different person then who I was a year ago, I like myself in a way I didn't before and I am more aware of my actions and what I do and say but there is part of me that is still very damaged and is healing. The wound may scar one day but it is still raw right now. Not sure where this is going I think I just needed to get it out.
[This message edited by Unagie at 5:35 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss