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wwyd - friend is an OW!

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HurtButHoping12 posted 9/7/2013 06:49 AM

My friend dropped a bombshell on me yesterday... she is seeing a married man. I was disgusted that after knowing everything that WH and I went through, she went ahead and did this. She was so nonchalant about it, and even happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"

It instantly triggered both WH and I. He walked away, I pumped her for information. Thanks to Facebook, I know the BW's name.

I barely slept last night and it's all I can think about. Should I tell the BW?? Is it even my business to tell her?!

And then I think, OMG what if I tell her and it's not true, etc. But I'm betting it's true. I'm so devastated for the BW and pissed off at my friend for doing this without a care in the world about it.

I just keep thinking that if anyone knew when by WH was cheating, I would have wanted to know! But how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?! They have two really young kids. Ugh!

RockyMtn posted 9/7/2013 07:02 AM

Wow, what a gem of a friend.

I can't believe the insensitivity.

I would tell the BW. I don't think it would be easy, but I would tell. If you're concerned that it isn't true, just tell her what you've been told. That's the best you can do.

I hope your friend gets out of this mess and gets some help. If she does, she won't hold this against you.

Zayda1 posted 9/7/2013 07:04 AM

Wow. Not a true friend.

Please tell the BW. She deserves to know what is happening in her life.

HurtButHoping12 posted 9/7/2013 07:11 AM

At this point, I really don't give a shit if she holds it against me. WH said he is done with her and I pretty much feel the same way. It was a humongous slap in my face, the way she was excitedly talking about "Oh he is trying time leave but he can't right now, he is totally done with her, their marriage has been going down the tubes for a while now" etc. All that wayward drivel that we have ALL heard. She is being such an idiot. I'm appalled.

Sleepless22 posted 9/7/2013 07:31 AM

I would tell the BW but only if you have proof and could do it anonymously. Also, be aware of the backlash that could possibly come your way. They are all going to turn against you and lie through their teeth to throw you under the bus. Thinking of you, are you and your H ready to deal with the triggers and drama that come from this? Are you both strong enough right now? You can distance yourself to protect yourself and your marriage.

That being said my MIL, who is a former BW is doing the same thing right now. She is seeing a married man who's marriage is over blah blah blah. And yes she knows what it has been like because she has been there and knows our situation. When we found out it triggered both WH and I to the point of major setbacks. I have gone both ways in my head and heart on this and in the end we have had to take the course of no action and distance hoping the BW will find out on her own but this is to protect our marriage and children. That may be selfish but the backlash is just drama we can't afford right now with the progress we have made. We basically are having NC with his mother right now. Our situation is different because it is a family member and we have dealt with way too much family drama in our marriage.

Either way, you have to make the decision that you can live with. I would have wanted to know and I told WH that.

At this point, I really don't give a shit if she holds it against me. WH said he is done with her and I pretty much feel the same way. It was a humongous slap in my face, the way she was excitedly talking about "Oh he is trying time leave but he can't right now, he is totally done with her, their marriage has been going down the tubes for a while now" etc. All that wayward drivel that we have ALL heard. She is being such an idiot. I'm appalled.

This is exactly how I felt too but I have SI and she doesn't. She completely believes this and so does your friend.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/7/2013 08:34 AM

how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?!
Gently and kindly. BW deserves to know what is going on. It is so cruel to be left in the dark. She has right to know what is going on in her marriage.

As far as your friend goes, I would suggest dumping her. Throw her under the bus even (tell BW who she is, if you want). People like your "friend" who

happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"
don't deserve to be protected.

I had a friend, a very close friend, of over 25 years that I had to cut loose because of her affair with a married man. It was hard and sad, but I really don't miss her now.

Kelany posted 9/7/2013 08:38 AM

I would absolutely tell the BW. She deserves to know that the marriage she's in is a lie. I couldn't NOT tell her.

And the "friend" would no longer be a friend of mine. I would go NC with her. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life.

I think I can posted 9/7/2013 08:44 AM

I would tell because you do know for sure, straight from the OW's mouth.

lost_in_toronto posted 9/7/2013 08:49 AM

What a horrible position to be in.

So many people knew of my WS's affair, and could have found out who I was and sent me a message. I would have been sad, and angry, but glad that they let me know.

The BS probably knows SOMETHING is wrong, and it's probably driving her crazy trying to figure out what it is. And remember, you will not be the one hurting her or destroying her world - her WH and his OW are.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

HurtButHoping12 posted 9/7/2013 09:11 AM

I spent the morning in bed crying, got up, and sent this message:

Hi, you don't know me, but I have some information that I feel you should know. I have a friend named xxxxxxxx, who informed me last night that she is having an affair with your husband xxxxxxxx. She said he is her "boyfriend" and that your marriage is going down the tubes and he "is going to leave but can't yet". I don't know anything more than those things that she told me. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, if you don't already know. The reason I'm telling you is, my husband cheated on me and left me for another girl and I wish someone would have clued me in, because I had no idea. So I am going to be the one to inform you, if you don't already know. I am so sorry, and so disgusted by my "friend" and her actions.
She is no longer my friend because of this but please don't name me in this if you do confront her. I'm SO sorry

OMG, I am shaking and I bawled as I sent that message. I also blocked my "friend" from facebook and my phone, and WH is sending her a NC text message and why.

My WH has been awesome. He triggered so hard last night, cried on the drive home, we talked last night and he texted me this morning telling me that he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore because he doesn't want people like that in his life. I'm so proud of him and trying not to take my pain out on him.

HurtButHoping12 posted 9/7/2013 09:15 AM

And I've already gotten shit from another friend, accusing me of informing the wife because I'm spiteful that it happened to me. Wow. Nope that's not it at all, I have been agonizing over this since I found out last night. I certainly wasn't all giddy to send that facebook message. So she gets cut out too.

My god, I hate all of this. I hate that I have been crying off and on all morning and my poor kids are looking at me like I'm crazy and upset that I'm upset.

putonahappyface posted 9/7/2013 09:17 AM

This is exactly how I found out; I received a private Facebook MSG from the OW's best friend. She apologized, but said she felt like I should know. Yes it was shocking, & completely destroyed my world, but I thanked her for telling me.

To this day, as awful as it was, my FWH & I owe this woman, as she probably saved him & our M. He had already ended the A, but the guilt & shame were eating him alive. Please, choose your words carefully, but do tell her somehow. Maybe you could say you're very sorry, as you've been in her position, & she deserves to know the truth, etc. Thank you for caring about someone you've never met!

Oh, just went back & saw that you sent the MSG. Good for you! I'm sorry that it's triggering you both, but you absolutely did the right thing! It's not spiteful at all. Hopefully this woman will know to get std tested & all that. She probably sensed things were off, & a hundred other confusing emotions. Now she has the truth & can make informed decisions! Kudos & hugs to you!

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 9:23 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

somanyyears posted 9/7/2013 09:28 AM


..you did the right thing..

..no question about it!

smy

niaveone posted 9/7/2013 09:33 AM

My friend told me about my own false R that I had no idea about. She's who I credit with for DDay#2 and for me getting my bitch boots on and WS finally realizing what he was going to lose by being with that morally bankrupt person.

She had it done to her and she knows how Gawd awful you feel when other's know and you don't. She didn't want to be one of those people and she didn't want to see me trying so hard when he obviously wasn't.

WS was angry at her in the beginning, but I stood my ground as keeping her as a friend and eventually he became ok with it too, knowing we probably wouldn't be together if the affair had continued to the point of when (if ever) he decided to finally tell me.

Having said all that, being the better person is very very hard but something you knew in your heart you had to do. My friend was scared to death she would lose our friendship, but sacrificed it anyway to tell me. That's a truly good person in my eyes.

jjsr posted 9/7/2013 09:37 AM

sounds to me like you need some new friends. Good for you for telling the BS

painpaingoaway posted 9/7/2013 09:47 AM

You were very brave, and without a doubt you did the right thing.

I wish more people in our society would take a stand like you did.

Has the BW responded to you yet?

StillLivin posted 9/7/2013 10:04 AM

You did the right thing. I would definitely want to know.
I know I would tell in a heartbeat.
I have a friend that used to get herself involved with married men.
The last time she did it I told her I would call the wife.
We are still friends, and she has enough self esteem not to let these jerks use her anymore.
And if I ever find out she was doing it again, I would cut her loose and call the poor BS. I've known her for over 20 years. I've watched her kids for a year at a time every time she has deployed.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/7/2013 10:05 AM

You did the right thing. I would be proud to call you my friend!

Cookie7088 posted 9/7/2013 10:18 AM

And I've already gotten shit from another friend, accusing me of informing the wife because I'm spiteful that it happened to me.

Absolutely...spiteful -uhmm, no! You have walked that path and know what it's like! Nothing spiteful!

As well, the audacity of an OW to tell you about her affair is unbelievable!

She gets what she deserves...and never second guess telling the BW. She has a right to know...

And as for the friends who think otherwise of your actions...tell them to "get the steppin!" Those aren't friends!

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 10:18 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Mousse242 posted 9/7/2013 10:24 AM

You did the right thing on all accounts. You told the BW what you know, you cut out the so called friend and cut out the other friend who accused you.

Too many people think that it's not a big deal to cheat, but for the friend/OW to do something like that, knowing what you went through, I just have no words.

And I am sure your other friend knows what you went through as well so shame on her for also trivializing it.

Kudos to your husband for taking an assertive position.

I'm sorry you lost these friendships but, and especially, in the early stages of recovering your marriage you need positive people with morals and boundaries.

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