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D-Day #2 and shared info with family

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Supermedic513 posted 9/7/2013 10:14 AM

I guess you could say yesterday was D-Day number 2 for me. When my partner and I broke up and I subsequently confirmed his week long EA/PA while I was out of town working, I did more super-sleuthing. Pulled up phone and text message records and I plugged each unfamiliar number in to Google and Facebook. I came back with a few likely potential OP's. One of the potential OPs was young, like 14 years younger than WS (He's 34) and I didn't want to think that he would hook up with a guy who is barely out of high school (WS was a High School teacher).
Last night, I got the nerve and sent a Facebook message to this OP and we had a conversation which confirmed that while I was out of town teaching, WS used gay sex-cruising app to find random hookup.
I have not seen WS, since middle of June and after uncovering this latest detail felt just as angry, disgusted and used as when I confirmed the other affair in July.

I don't know why but I felt compelled to share this information with his mother and oldest sister. WS lives with his mom and receives much support from oldest sister and I feel like he was painting this rosy picture that everything was MY fault, I have all the problems and that he is a wonderful, great person.

So I copied and pasted the FB messages and emailed them to his mother and sister. I wanted them to see him as the selfish, amoral piece of crap that he is.
His mother replied to me and to sum it up, blamed me, told me I was making this conversation up and to move on.

I truly believe my ex has a personality disorder and was hoping that his mother and sister would encourage him to get in to some intense treatment.

Has anyone else received such disgusting replies when they "outed" the affairs to the WS's family? Is this common?

Broken1Again posted 9/7/2013 10:32 AM

Hi Supermedic, hugs to you. I know what it's like to keep getting hit over the head with more and more and more.

I think what could have happened with mommy dearest is, you and your SO have not seen each other since June and now you're sending stuff to the mom to get them on your side. I think if you wanted them to know what he was doing, you should have called and spoke to them vs just sending them proof of what he's doing. It's like hitting them in the face with a 10lb brick. (it's another ballgame altogether if this was an OPs spouse you were dealing with). But because this is mom, she probably doesn't want to deal with it and your delivery may have not been the best.

I hope I'm not coming across as harsh, because it's not my intention. When we hurt we do things, because we want people to know we were wronged, I've done many a thing, when I think back, I know I should have done it differently. Don't sweat it, you did it, and at the very least, you have now planted something in your WS mother's head that she will have her radar and antennae up about, even if she doesn't let you know it.

Broken6 posted 9/7/2013 10:40 AM

I haven't outer my WS A with his family. My own mom warned me against it. She said not to expect support from them because in the end, blood is thicker than water. I am sorry they treated you that way, and made you out to be the bad one. That is not true. They only try to paint us to be that awful to assuage their own guilt. I read the healing library about it not being our fault. It helped. I am hoping you have family you can lean on, your own family will likely be more supportive of you than WS family. The A was a choice the other person made, and it was not your fault. Hugs and stay strong.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/7/2013 11:25 AM

IMO, the reason most people have issues is BECAUSE of their family, so that means that their families are often just as screwed up as they are. My in-laws, who basically worshipped the ground I walked on for a decade while H and I were happily married (and I was ignorantly a BS) immediately turned on ME on DDay. I didn't tell them about their sons A's, he did. But his parents quickly distanced themselves from me, AND their biological grandchildren that I'm the mother of. How does a person cut out grandchildren that they used to see everyday? I have no idea.

Infidelity is caused by broken people, and broken people are often born by broken people. We really shouldn't expect any better when we contact the FOO of these broken people because of that. My H learned how to compartmentalize from his mother and father, and all of his siblings have learned this as well. Which is why 75% of his siblings are cheaters, and the other 25% are suspected of cheating.

Supermedic513 posted 9/7/2013 13:17 PM

Hello friends,

Thank you for the insightful replies.

I can honestly say that I didn't contact my former SO's family wasn't to get them on my side. I know a phone call would never be returned from them and I wanted them to see the proof in the writing from the Facebook conversation I had with this other person.
I wanted his family to see that the flowery picture he's painting of himself isn't exactly accurate. He can re-write and invent stories to make me in to some horrible, psycho monster but wanted him (and them) to know I have his lying ways pegged.

They're supposed to be his support system and have all at one time or another approached me privately (before the break up) about how he chronically uses people and suffers from untreated bipolar disorder (I think his mental health issues are actually deeper than Bipolar).

The fact that I lived with a sociopath for three years and shared my life with him is certainly a bit distressing.

And you're right, broken people have broken children. He told me some stories of psychological and verbal abuse from his mother who he conveniently lives with now and has taken on so many more of her traits - at least from what I've been subjected to by email, text and 1 screaming phone call from him.

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