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caring4me posted 9/7/2013 13:15 PM

Does anyone have any suggestions for getting past some triggers? I know there are things that set me off and I try to avoid them. But what bothers me the most is that they bring me completely down for days, where I am rethinking everything that has been said and done since his affair. I hate being all negative, but he was the one person I ever fully trusted and so it hurts so much, even when it is a tiny inconsideration on his part.

Any ideas on how to NOT dwell on it all for days? I know I cannot avoid all the triggers but I need to get over that hurdle faster in my opinion.

1ost0ne posted 9/7/2013 16:58 PM

There are several posts in General and Reconcilation about triggers and what some people have done. For some of the triggers, it's been effective to reinact them for yourself to "own" them.

The 180 process should also help you on not dwelling on everything for days. Other than that, find an activity with friends. Get out.

caring4me posted 9/8/2013 13:22 PM

Thanks for the response, I will try to find some of the other threads.

Here is how things go now. Something sets me off-this time it was him doing something I had told him bothered me because there is no accountability. And he was very apologetic, but had already insisted he did nothing wrong, I was overreacting, etc etc. So I was pissed off. Next day I only talked to him when he said something (like asking about dinner). So he then gets mad at me for not talking to him barely at all that day. And it led to a fight. And we still aren't talking.

I guess whenever triggers occur, I rehash everything-and since I have done it a million times I find other pieces of it to latch onto. Like was pointed out in our argument, it ends up not being about the trigger but the whole affair. And I will admit, it does. I hold grudges and don't feel he understands how badly he hurt me (although he insists he does...and also that I don't care how much he hurts too).

He is a classic example of saying the "right things" until he doesn't get his way (me getting over it for example) then he gets nasty again. We just keep going round and round and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Ashland13 posted 9/8/2013 13:42 PM

Something I do with the triggers is evaluate and then change the way my mind thinks when a trigger comes.

I'll try to give an example and not be my usual long winded self.

This past winter, I went to hear my father in concert. He neglected to tell me that the heart of the show was love songs. At the beginning, I sat drenched in tears and mascara, with hugs from strangers to comfort me. No one spoke as the music continued and my tears continued, no questions were asked, but I got mad at myself while I sat there.

I was mad because I realized that by giving in to a trigger, I was letting Perv ruin even more of my life than he already has. He's ruined the past already, for I can't get those days back, but to let him ruin the rest of my days is, in a way, my own choice. All of this came to mind as I sat and listened to the holiday and love songs.

So...a few songs later, something occurred to me. Why did life have to still be about that man? It finally dawned on me, how much of my life was about that man, who threw me away without even looking back up the hill when he drove off in the middle of the night.

So...two boxes of tissues and some hand squeezes later, I started to ask myself, what's the problem here? He's not here, nothing bad happened today, so get hold of yourself. I began to ask myself about the songs and to listen to the other parts, the instruments and not so much the words. During this time, I asked myself what other kinds of love are in the world? My daughter, my parents, siblings and so on...it was really hard and it didn't erase his image from my mind, but what it did was let me think of my love for other people. By the time the show was over, I was thinking of all the people who still love me and have done acts of kindness in his absence.

It really, really helped and I was able to only sniffle when I got to congratulate my father for his music.

There are some other anti-trigger ideas I've worked on if you want to "hear" them, for this is a daily journey for me.

One of the first things a counselor told me that you are already doing, is to recognize.

Jen posted 9/8/2013 13:59 PM

I don't know when your D-day was I am assuming it was recent.

That being said, time. It's going to take time. The triggers are gonna come fast & furious for awhile. They are gonna come out of the blue, they are gonna come over the weirdest/simple things. Let them come, feel them, work them out, get down to the root of the trigger.

I know that probably sounds like the opposite advise you were hoping for. It's important for later though. Right now you need to confront the triggers and let them confront you. Don't let them HAVE you, but learn from them, try to figure out the message. I think triggers are our subconscious way of talking to us. SO listen and feel and remember.

When your ready, and only you will know when this is, take the trigger and make it yours. Change the memory, meaning, feeling behind it. It get's easier I swear and the answers ect become more clear.

(((hugs)))