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User Topic: Keylogger... to use or not?
♀ 40321
Member # 40321
Frustrated  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ordered a key logger online several weeks ago. It took more than a week to arrive. Now that it's here, I'm feeling guilty & sneaky about installing it on my H's laptop. I'm not super tech savvy, so I'm worried about screwing up his computer. I'm stressing about whether he'll detect it. Wondering how he'd feel if he caught me snooping. He is open with his phone & email passwords, etc. Or am I just to afraid of what I'll find? If it's bad, then what?

DDay was just over 2 years ago but I'm fairly new to SI and don't have access to Investigative Tips forum yet. I'm certain he is not cheating again. There is no evidence of emails, texts or a secret phone, etc. Things having been going well between us. H doesn't talk about his feelings as much as I'd like. Nor does H start conversations about how I'm feeling about triggers, my struggles during R. H seems to prefer to avoid / ignore any A related stuff. However, he's saying & doing almost all the right other things. Yes, almost.

That brings me to why I bought the key logger. I caught him looking at nude photos of a celeb online. He came clean right in the moment. It was not porn, mind you. But, he's done the porn thing before which I've never like and now view it as putting him on slippery slope and disrespectful to me. He apologized, said he was sorry & he loved me. Anyways, a few days before I'd caught him I also noted that he'd cleared his internet history during middle of the day. So hairs on the back of my neck are starting to stand up. Is he back into to the porn craziness? and lying about his online activity. I got the key logger to double check... Am I being too paranoid? Is all this cat & mouse stuff getting inside my head too much? Am I making more out of this than it really is?

Any advise?

BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
♀ 14918
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, install it! What will it hurt?

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1610 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 37797
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, install. I installed one two years past d day. I don't suspect an A just now but I feel better knowing nothing is happening. Also I feel it will keep me from being blindsided again. A win-win for me.

Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my take. A truly remorseful FWS who GETS IT will be shocked to NOT find a keylogger on their computer at anytime after they have cheated.

I'm almost 6 years out from DDay. H got a new phone in Feb this year. I found some random pics of 2 women, they looked like profile pics that you would post on LinkedIn or something like that. He claims he didn't know where they came from, etc. He said "just check the logger, can't you tell where it came from?". Ummm, I don't have a logger on his new phone (in fact, never have had one on his phone). But that's the attitude that my truly remorseful H who GETS IT. He expects me to check up on him, and is surprised when I'm not. He lives his life acting as though I AM logging every one of his actions, and he should live just like that whether I am logging him or not.

So, put the logger on and get the truth. If the WS is truly remorseful and understands the damage they have done, then they won't be upset at all if they found out their trustworthiness was being verified. ;-)

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 32660
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Install it!
I installed keylogger on our home computer about 18 months after DDay# 1. I found out about them here on SI and thought I'd just reassure myself. Well, guess what ?
I found out that nothing had changed and that he had two other email addresses with which he was contacting ow, escorts etc. I even found out about a ow that he has been involved with ( off and on as he puts it) for 37 yrs. I also put a voice activated recorder in his car and found out he had a secret cell phone. I eventually found it in the trunk of his car under the mat.
So if your gut tells you something is not right - go for it.
If he gets angry so what. You wouldn't have to do this if he didn't
cheat in the first place.
Take care.

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ 29514
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Install it. Go with your gut.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3756 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
♀ 38537
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way you're feeling and am not tech savvy, but WH is a computer geek.

What the keylogger did... gave me proof he was trying to take the EA underground, I discovered his secret email account.

Unfortunately, this past week something went wrong and he discovered and removed the keylogger.

Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 8 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 5 month old

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
♂ 19408
Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used a keylogger application on our PC a few years ago and I'm glad I did.

I'd discovered a couple of text messages that led me to the discovery of the affair originally.

After a few weeks of gas-lighting and downplaying her affair, refusing to admit anything other than a "friendship", I downloaded the tracking software on a Monday evening after work. That night I noticed she was on the PC before dinner and afterwards. She offered up that she was looking up a recipe and shopping for a blouse. I was happy she'd thought tell me what she was up to since I couldn't see the screen from the couch.

That night I thought about the keylogger software and felt stupid, guilty even. I also thought that first thing the next morning at work I would log into the website to look at the webtraffic and key strokes the night before.

Next morning I checked the website from work, and BOOM there it was. Two emails to her married OM... She cheerfully described the fish dinner she'd cooked and how good it was, even described the family walk we'd gone on that evening. All this prefaced and signed off with "I love you's" and "baby I miss you's".

So, yeah, install the software and find out the truth. These people are professional liars, compulsive even, and they can and will fool you.

Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO what we are talking about here is not really a key-logger per-se. Its about TRUST thats what we are talking about.

I think that since you have the key-logger you should go ahead and install it. This will let you know what he is doing on his lap top. Of course it will not tell you what he is doing on other computers like his work computer. It wont tell you what he is doing on his cell phone or tablet if he has one of those too.

Install it though. Mostly because it could make you feel better.

The question it seems to me is WHEN should a BS start trusting their WS again?

Remember we all once did trust our WS absolutely. That didnt work out well now did it? Should we trust them at that level again?

Some may argue that we should because its hard to have an intimate relationship with someone you dont trust. Personally I dont agree with this POV. I think its foolish to trust someone that destroyed our life the way our WS did. Whats the saying about *fool me twice*?

If we stay with our WS then its a good thing to wish for and even maybe hope for that we can trust them. But I believe its best to have a plan B should that turn out not so well again.

Trust is important in every relationship I believe. BUT the trust I have is not for my WW. She has proven beyond all doubt that she is not worthy of my trust and there is NO earning that back.

The trust I have is in me. I know that if WW has another LTA I will eventually find out. I am slow at figuring stuff like this out but sooner or later it does come to me. And if that does happen again I trust that I will have the strength and wisdom to deal with it properly.

Install your key logger. But dont trust it. During WWs LTA she discovered that I was sneaking looks at her email. What she did was put things in there that she wanted me to read. And she opened another email account on another computer.

Trust in yourself.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 34791
Member # 34791
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive been wanting to do this, however, you can always tell when they are up to no good! He always back spaces as I walk in his office at home. (Really, like I'm stupid) I swear, I think that internet porn is what started this whole affair thing! Why else, would he have the balls to do what he did? But, I'm still curious with the Keylogger, let me know how it goes!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Georgia
♀ 40330
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You bought it for a reason! I would use it, since you already have it. If it doesn't show that he is up to anything maybe you can breathe a little easier. If not, then you have the truth.

If my WH was a computer user, I would for sure have a keylogger! Heck if I had access to his phone, I would have some kind of spy something or another.

good luck making the decision that is right for you!

DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all for using a keylogger. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Him clearing his search history and making you confront him when he is looking at nude photos online instead of being upfront and coming to you first about it shows good reason for why you shouldn't trust him.

If he knows you are checking up on him and will be, I don't see why he would be so upset about you using a keylogger. Would you be upset about him using one? I'm guessing no, because I'm guessing you aren't hiding anything from him.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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